Gratitude & Kindness (14 page)

Appendix 2 - The
Plan

To Enhance Gratitude and Kindness and Crush Entitlement

Please take a look at all your notes in the margins and your answers in Chapters 1–8, and take your time, over a number of days or weeks, to fill in the details of your PLAN.

Part I: Pre-planning the PLAN

Here are the
Top Six Family Values
that are important to
me/us right now:

Here are the
Top Six Gratitude Benefits
that are important to
me/us right now:

Here are the
Top Six Misguided Efforts
that are important to
me/us to change right now:

Here are the
Top Six Entitlement Qualities
I see in my home
that I/we want to focus on crushing:

Part II: Planning the PLAN

Considering your answers to all your Top Sixes and considering all you have read in Chapters 1–8, let’s problem solve step-by-step how you want to implement your goals and knowledge into positive action:

Part III: Troubleshooting the PLAN

A.
Securing backup:
List the family members / caregivers with whom you would like to share your gratitude and kindness goals and visions. Choose parts of your PLAN and passages from Chapters 1–8 that you think will help your support team to understand where you’re coming from, and then talk about it. Here is my backup:

B. Predicting roadblocks:
Things
within myself
that I will have to be aware of in order to successfully implement the PLAN (my old habits, my busy schedule; my tendency to feel guilty when I say no, etc.), and solutions for each potential roadblock:

C. Predicting roadblocks:
Those
within our
family
environment that I will have to be aware of in order to successfully implement the PLAN (family members who will not actively cooperate in the PLAN; family traditions that do not support the PLAN; special events that may not support the PLAN, etc.), and solutions for each potential roadblock:

D. How I will stay on track:
Structural aides that will help keep me focused on the PLAN (where I will post the Family Values; where I will place reminders to myself about doing my positive modeling behavior; when I will structure the family’s gratitude meetings or gratitude journaling; when we will negotiate and discuss the Family Currency, etc.).

E. Who to call / what do to for support:
This is for me/us when beginning the changes or maintaining the changes becomes challenging (keeping up my personal stress management plan of exercising through the week; journaling; speaking with members of my parenting group; having like-minded family and friends on speed dial to call for encouragement if I run out of steam, etc.).

Appendix 3 - Family Gratitude Dialogue

Expressing gratitude and appreciation for family members will help to strengthen family bonds and ward off feelings of entitlement. As we have said all along, we need to express gratitude by doing it (physical action), writing it (gratitude journaling), and speaking it (gratitude dialogue). A gratitude dialogue can be a powerful way of creating a family atmosphere where parents can model their gratitude and appreciation for each other.

Try this Gratitude Dialogue SCRIPT with your children or spouse:

Three Steps:

Practice Gratitude Dialogue Exercise:

Appendix 4 - The True Meaning of ‘Yes’

Read this every time your gut tells you
that “yes” might not be the answer
you want to give.

What damage is really caused when we give in to our children’s whining, negotiating, flattery, demands, or anger? Entitlement is fostered when we allow emotional manipulation—whether it be demands, threats, misbehavior, or “buttering up”—to trigger our emotional underbellies.

If a child has become entitled, the child only ever wants—in a seemingly never-ending fashion. There is always something new, something better…and the emotional (
not to mention financial
) cost of having an entitled child or teen is astronomical.

When you say “yes” (when you want to say “no”), a couple of things happen:

• Your child is manipulating you to get what they want, and while the power of persuasion is useful in adult business relationships, effective adult persuasion has rational thought and good information as fuel—not whining.
  
• Rewarding inappropriate persuasion techniques sets our children up for failure in the world outside of your family. A child that will not accept a “no” for an answer is asserting his or her right to have whatever they want. This makes it clear that they can get away with anything and have anything—which is destructive for a child or teen.
  

When you say “yes” to your child without a solid framework about why they have earned the “yes”—how it makes sense in the family currency—you are giving him or her permission to be entitled. You are letting them know that it is okay to believe that “yes” is the rule, their right, and what they should expect. When our children reach adulthood, if someone else has not enlightened them to the fact that “yes” needs to be earned, the rest of the world will not find their expectations as charming. Our children will struggle on every level—at college, with relationships, and at work.

We know that when a child hears a “yes” when they have not earned it, or when they have cheated or manipulated a “yes” out of us in a fashion that does not make sense in terms of our family values, they feel less happy, proud, and fulfilled, on average, with the “yes.” Think of how much better an A used to feel in school when we worked our butts off for it than when we gave a half-hearted effort and seemed to luck into high marks. When we work for something, and when our payoff feels valid and fair and right, it feels better. We feel better about ourselves, and better about our environment.

This is the true meaning of saying “yes” too often. The more we say “yes” to buying them candy, toys, clothes, or other items they covet every time we are at the market, the more they will believe that it is normal. They will expect it each and every time, growing in entitlement and feeling worse about themselves (maybe even feeling like a cheater) and worse about us (maybe that we are weak or easily foiled) on each occasion. When a child that has become used to an entitled way of life does not get what they want, they are confused, upset, and unable to cope.

Let’s work to make “yes” an obtainable goal for our children to reach, give them clarity regarding what it takes to receive a “yes,” and help them to feel proud and worthy when they hear one.

Appendix 5 - Crush Entitlement—20 Random Acts of Kindness

You Can Do These as a Family

Ideas:

1. Make a care pack for the homeless. Simple toiletries can be very helpful—shampoo, soap, deodorant—AND add an inspirational note or a poem to the package.
   
2. Donate used books to the library.
   
3. Pay for the meal or coffee for the person behind you in line.
   
4. Do a household chore for someone.
   
5. Adopt a family at your child’s school to help with school supplies, food, and warm clothing.
   
6. Prepare a box lunch for your child’s teacher.
   
7. Write a “thank you” note to your mail carrier.
   
8. Volunteer at the food bank.
   
9. Buy dessert for a stranger.
   
10. Return grocery carts.
    
11. Write a “thank you” note to your police or fire department.
    
12. Share inspirational quotes with friends and family members
    once a week.
    
13. Let someone go in front of you in line.
    
14. Share a snack with classmates or co-workers.
    
15. Say “good morning” to people.
    
16. Say “I love you” to someone.
    
17. Put a coin in an expired meter.
    
18. Offer to babysit for a new mom or a single mother.
    
19. Give up complaining for 21 days.
    
20. Sincerely compliment someone every day.