Gratitude & Kindness (8 page)

Gratitude Tip
Be careful not to confuse teaching your child the value of hard work, earning, and money, with bribing them to do chores. If they will not do it for the sake of contributing to the family, there is very little lesson involved.

Avoiding the Landmines of Bad Precedents

The same study that we conducted between 2012 and 2013 revealed a few other interesting facts about our survey group. There are bad precedents running rife in North American homes, contributing to the increasing number of entitled children:

• Parents reported using rewards and bribes as a method of controlling their children, or making them do things that they did not want to do (homework, sports, piano practice, chores).
  
• Parents also reported that it is easier and quicker to just do something for their child instead of making the child do it for themselves. For instance, a parent said, “I’m not patient. I can’t stand waiting five minutes for my six-year-old, who is struggling to tidy the covers on the bed. I’d rather just tidy it myself.”
  
• Parents reported that they sometimes make parenting decisions according to whether their child will be happy with them or whether they will like or love them.
  
• Parents reported wanting to be the favorite parent, sometimes giving-in to demands or saying “yes” because of an unspoken competition with their spouse (or ex-spouse) to be their child’s favorite.
  
• Parents reported that they often responded to guilt-inducing thoughts of their own making, for example,
  “If I say no, Junior may never get over it,” or guilt-inducing comments from their children, such as, “Everyone else gets to go to the party, and now I’ll be excluded forever because you won’t let me go.”
  

What we know is that children who are parented according to the buddy-like style tend to be unhappy, with an inflated sense of self-importance. This is the opposite of good self-esteem. Parents seem to know that these precedents exist and, at some point, end up feeling powerless to change the negative patterns.

So the damage is done. These bad precedents result in selfish thinking, an inability to take personal responsibility, difficulty establishing personal identity, and incompetence in daily skills, as well as personal and self-care skills. In other words, these childr
en become seriously disabled and they become unable adults.

It is time to draw the line. If your behavior is harming your child’s future, you need to take responsibility now for the precedents in your home. There is always time to make a positive change.

Okay, so what is to be done to prevent and correct the entitle-mania? Let’s take a look at solutions that will focus on
kindness boosters
and
gratitude boosters
.

Reality Blast
Overindulged children with too many material items often fail to learn the skill of knowing what is enough. Because they always want, want, want, they are never fulfilled and are in a perpetual state of feeling empty and unsatisfied.

How to Foster Kindness and Gratitude: Part 1
– With a Focus on Appreciation

For the most part, parents do not enjoy cleaning the bathroom or cutting the lawn, and they do not get a monetary reward or special treat for doing it, either.

Communicating to our children why we do unexciting home maintenance—get up extra-early to drive them to hockey practice, or make them peanut butter sandwiches cut diagonally without crusts—
helps them to learn to appreciate our efforts. This is the start of planting the seeds for our children being able to appreciate what not just us, but what others also do for them.

It is okay and, in fact, highly beneficial to make it clear that we sacrifice time, energy, money, and other resources:

• To make a happy healthy environment for our family
  
• To demonstrate our love and caring
  
• To show appreciation for other family members
  
• Most of all, to show respect for each other
  

Setting the tone and parameters around why you do what you do, and what is expected of all family members as a normal contribution to the family and home, and doing so without guilt, anger, or negative emotions attached is not easy. But it is a worthwhile and achievable goal.

Examples of acceptable sharing:

• “I have decided to rearrange my golf game so I can come to watch your performance. I am excited to come watch you.”
  
• “I could go for a pedicure today and would like to, but today it is more important to me to help you with your school project. Let’s dig in and get it done.”
  

How often should we share with our children what we do for them?

This is a difficult one to define because it will be different in each family. The answer is, that it is beneficial to make regular statements, keeping in mind that over use will lead to our children tuning us out. We also want to avoid the risks of inducing unnecessary guilt.

When you share your efforts with your children, make sure your words are:

• Free of complaint. Do not say: “I always cut my workout short so I can pick you up, and all I get from you is a bad attitude.”
  
• Free of guilt. Do not say: “I never get to spend any time with my friends because I have to take care of you.”
  
• Free of ang
  er and frustration. Do not say: “I’m sick of making your lunches when you don’t even thank me.”
  
• Free of absolutes: I/you…never/always
  

The 20-Second Sound Bite Rule

At all costs, avoid the mini-lecture: this is a recipe for a BIG power struggle. Children in our office tell us that lengthy verbal diatribes from their parents lead them to feel angry, and that they are less likely to listen to the message, more likely to do the opposite of what their parent wants. They are also more likely to feel guilty by the end of the lecture. Most of our appreciation-increasing thoughts can be shared in a
20 second sound bite.
Think about one idea at a time, and choose your words well so you talk less rather than more. After 20 seconds, stop speaking.

Also remember to practice what we call
mindful appreciation:
notice what your children do for you.

• “You didn’t have to bring me a clean towel when I asked for it, but I appreciate that you did.”
  
• “You introduced me to your new friend, and I appreciate that. I want you to know that I noticed that you took the time to show respect by introducing me. Thanks, buddy.”
  
• “Thanks for taking the time to add sparkles and all these details on the birthday card you made for me. I appreciate how much care you put into it for me.”
  

How to Foster Kindness and Gratitude: Part 2
– With a Focus on ‘NO’

Say “no” to your children. It is hard, but remember, there is such a thing as a positive “no”. You may avoid using it at times, associating the word “no” with anger, frustration, and guilt. Perhaps this is how it was used when you were a child. We know that you can say “no” in a supportive and loving way. Make sure your voice tone is even, your facial expression is calm, and anger is not in play when you say “no.” It will help your children to listen and respect you better.

Say a
“modified no”
to your children. If you want to allow them a treat, let them know that they can have a small ice cream, but not a large, or one topping instead of two.

Say a
“yes/no” combo:
If they ask for two small toys from the dollar store (even though you can clearly afford the $2), you say, “Yes, you may have one but not two. You have the opportunity to make a decision about which toy is more important to you.”

Say “yes” (well…it is actually a
“qualified no”
): “Yes you can
go out once your room is clean.” The no is implied: no clean room
= no going out.

Teach your children how to deal with disappointment.*
24
When things do not go their way, cue your children to make a conscious decision of how to handle their anger, sadness, and resentment:

• Thinking
  how bad it is that they have been disappointed, how unfair their life is, how much other people are unkind, etc., and…
  
• Behaving
  in an upset manner by crying excessively, slamming doors, using poor language, and stomping loudly or…
  
• Bouncing
  back from the disappointment through thinking resilient thoughts, such as: “I don’t like this, but I can handle it.”or: “I’m mad
  that Mom said no, but I’m not going to let it ruin my day.” And…
  
• Doing
  things that help them cope, like listening to music, reading, playing with the family pet, or engaging in other activities they find enjoyable.
  

Reality Blast
Our children do not have to like what we say or what our decisions are. They need some adversity and disappointment to thrive. We do not need to feel guilty about saying “no”or having rules. If our rules are fair, and we explain them beforehand, make sure our children understand them, and teach them the skills they need to follow the rules, we have done our job.

How to Foster Kindness and Gratitude: Part 3
– With a Focus on Empathy

Practice couch empathy: when sitting on the couch watching a movie with your child, ask them how the character in the movie may feel. Mute the sound and play a quick and fun game of “guess what the character is thinking”—this can help promote empathy in children.

Use photos of facial expressions and have your children guess the emotion depicted. There are many charts and images like this available for free online. Flashcard emotions for very young children (aged two to three) can go a long way in encouraging empathy, which we know ends up being both a
kindness booster
and a
gratitude booster
.

Kind children, rated as altruistic and empathic towards other children, usually have at least one parent who deliberately models helping others. The most crucial years are between the ages of two and four, when children are learning what is socially acceptable and what is not. Let your children know that the cookies your family is baking for their teachers represent a little extra effort to recognize and thank them for their staying up late to grade book reports and write up report cards. Make the efforts of others obvious through talking about them.

Wave a “thank you” to drivers that stop for you when you are
walking at the crosswalk, or those who let you in to a lane of traffic, and say, “That driver didn’t have to do that. She might have been in a hurry to get somewhere but did something nice for us by stopping/letting us in. Very cool.”

How to Foster Kindness and Gratitude: Part 4
– With an Emphasis on Responsibility

We all want kind, capable, and responsible children. Here are some ideas on how to nurture responsibility:

• If you want your children to understand the value of things, take them to work. Show your child what you have to do in an hour, then go to the grocery store with the amount of money you earned in that hour. Let them know that you worked hard to earn the money, so you choose to spend it wisely.
  
• Implement a system that allows your children to experience age-appropriate natural consequences of their actions. If there is dirty laundry on the floor of your 12-year-old’s room and not in the wash basket, do not wash it. If your eight-year-old carelessly breaks something, she needs to replace it. If your 15-year-old loses a library book, he has to pay for it. These are real consequences.
  
• Teach your child
  that when we depend on others too much to have our needs or wants met, we are vulnerable to poor outcomes. Feelings such as helplessness, frustration, anger, and sadness kick in if others let us down. We can end up with thoughts such as, “Life is not fair.” But if we can help ourselves and solve our own problems, asking for help only when we need it, we become empowered and are much more in control of our own happiness.
  
• Encourage recognizing others who might be part of your child’s successes whenever it is appropriate to do so. If your child wins the spelling bee, help him identify and thank everyone that allowed him to experience this achievement. He can send gratitude notes to these people for added effect.
  

How to Foster Kindness and Gratitude: Part 5
– With an Emphasis on Modeling

Again here are some thoughts we want to share with you about what you do rather than what you say.

• Casually demonstrate to your child ways in which you are fulfilled and your needs are met. Show them that you have an abundance of greatness in your life. This may include existing activities, friends, community, comforts, and other things that give us pleasure.
  
• Avoid talking about, or engaging in, activities that are focused on wants. For example, do not mention to your pre-teen that you cannot wait to go shopping at the mall to pass the time because you have been bored all day. Instead, frame the experience in a gracious, giving manner—I want to go shopping to get your father that steak he really enjoys.
  
• While you are shopping with your child, regularly purchase one extra can of soup for the food bank, one extra pair of socks for the homeless shelter, or one extra bag of dog food for the humane society, and have them help choose the items and drop them off with you.
  
• Try to avoid making “obtaining things I want” an activity or sport in front of your children. Try not to let them see you cruising online stores for objects of desire, and don’t take them window shopping for material goods you’d like to own.
  
• Talk about occasional indulgences (purchasing that expensive pair of boots) by modeling your balanced thought process: “I am buying one pair of well-made boots instead of three lesser-quality boots so they will last me many years,” or, “I have saved my money and have taken care of all the family’s needs first, so I have made a decision to purchase these boots because I can afford it.”
  
• Avoid acts of covetousness when your children are within earshot: “I would love to have their home”; “I wish we had a nicer car”; “Wouldn’t it be nice to have that trip to Europe”; “I wish I had a nicer boss…”.
  

Gratitude Action
Teach your children the difference between a NEED (if I do not have it, I may die) and a WANT (if I do not have it, my life will keep going). A $100 designer t-shirt is a want; a piece of clothing to cover up a naked body in winter is a need.