Good Girl (Playroom) (43 page)

Mr. Kline- Auggie- for him I grow up, turn into a woman. This moment irrevocably changes me. 

Lightning flashes down my spine and hits my body in an epic pulse. Pressure mounts in a split-second, only to crest and release in a torrent of pure ecstasy. “Ahhh…” I scream in torment.

“Willow, thank you,” Auggie professes as his
eager mouth seeks my lips. We harshly, aggressively kiss as Auggie grunts and sputters the cries of his release into my open mouth. I silently thank my sister for the shots. Auggie is so far into me that if I weren’t on birth control, a hard thought would’ve knocked me up. Pulse after pulse of his release floods my insides. The force so powerful that my body eagerly sucks it all up in anticipation for a conception that is impossible.

I limply lay on Auggie’
s chest as he continues to move inside me- drawing out his pleasure. Every few seconds my body quivers with an aftershock- I understood the theory of mini-orgasms firing inside your body, but never have I experienced the sensation. The earth shattering orgasm created tiny fissures of pleasure that flow indefinitely throughout my body. Every quiver, shudder, and pulse Auggie suffers, transfers the movement into me. I cry out in ecstasy as every single wave of his body strikes pleasure to my nerves.

Moments later I groan in pain as I rise off the Beast. I grit my teeth against the throbbing ache between my trembling thighs.

“Stay with me tonight,” Auggie whispers in the dark of his bedroom- months ago, this was our bedroom.

“I’m not ready for that, Auggie. I’m not there yet. This was reality for me, but that’s too real for what’s going on in our lives.”
I pull his t-shirt over my head and avoid his insistent gaze.

“Okay,” Auggie
murmurs so quietly I can barely make out the word.

I close my eyes, and when I open them, I look up and meet Auggie’
s unflinching, green stare. “I’m not running, Auggie- honest. I loved what we just did. But I’m not ready to share a bed and all the implications that go along with it.”

“Okay,” he repeats a bit stronger, but the pain in his voice is evident.

“Truth?” I ask him.

“Always,” his reply is instantaneous.

“I’d love to lie in this bed with you, have you hold me, and talk until we fall asleep in each other’s arms. I’m not going to run anymore, from you, or anyone else, or my problems. I’m scared to go there with you, Auggie…”

“I
do understand, Willow,” Auggie softly murmurs, cutting off my flow of words.

“I wasn’t finished,” I chiding
ly chastise Auggie, but I smile to soften the blow. “Ya gotta stop that shit, Auggie. I’m not running anymore. If I were to stay here with you, I’d be running from my problems. I want to be a better person. I don’t want to be a coward.” I take a fortifying breath. “I’m going to tell Devon goodbye.”

Auggie’
s startled gasp is the last thing I hear as I run- run towards my fears, to conquer and overcome them.

~Chapter Forty-Three~

I take a deep breath of the crisp four a.m. air and turn the doorknob. Here goes nothing…

The Masons look up at me as a unit with tear-stained cheeks- one with hope-fi
lled eyes. Malcolm gently smiles and gestures for me to join them. My feet drag as I walk across the carpeted living room. I don’t know if I can get through this.

“Kids, say your goodbye and give us adults some privacy,” Malcolm orders Weston and Rae. He tacks on a, “Please,” to soften the command.

I stare at the floor as I hear their sobs.
I can’t do this
plays on repeat as the kids cry. Devon has been their rock since long before their mother died. Last night their hero died as well. They will never glance at Devon with that level of veneration as before. They are sobbing for the same reasons I’m silently crying- the Devon we knew is dead... he never really existed at all.

I can’
t do this… I can’t say goodbye!

“Get well and come home to us,” Kieren mutter
s and chokes on a sob. “We need you, bro.”
Fuck
. My body shudders from the sound of the brothers saying their goodbyes. My knees grow weak and try to give out as my best friends say their
I love you
s.

“Girl, he’s gonna be fine,” Malcolm gently murmurs near my ear as he grips my arm so I don’t topple to the ground. “
You’re gonna be fine, too,” he stresses. I jerkily nod my head because I can’t speak. I can’t get my eyes to open, either. The only sound I hear is the pounding of my heart filling my ears. The thump-thump is deafening.

I swear at myself. I’d promised that I wouldn’t turn into a girl. I wouldn’t bawl like a baby, plead and beg that this is just a nightmare that I’ll wake up from. Wake up to Devon’s soft breathing fluttering the hair at t
he nape of my neck. I’ll feel Devon’s arms around my waist as he nuzzles his face deeper into my hair. Wake from the nightmare and all would be right with the world- a world where an
I love you
can conquer anything. A world where that
I love you
doesn’t weaken you like the twisting of a knife to the heart.

A tentative touch to my cheek has my eyes flashing open to meet Devon’s watery blue gaze.
“Willow,” he hoarsely breathes.

All good intentions dissolve the moment I look at him.

Fuck, I would’ve let Devon ruin me and asked for more just to have him in my life. If this goodbye doesn’t kill me, eventually Devon will be the very death of me. I’d give my life to be near him.

Since I didn’t pull away, Malcolm releases my arm and
stands next to a silently sobbing Kieren. Strong hands that tremble with weakness slide around my waist and tenderly glide up my back, pulling me into his warm embrace.

A so
b is torn from my chest when Devon’s scent hits me, the warm softness of his chest against my cheek, the feel of his hands cupping my body, the sound of his ragged breath in my ear. I tremble in Devon’s arms, stars bursting behind my eyes, warning that a faint is on the horizon.

“Why didn’t you come see me before I left?” Not an accusation
, it comes out jagged and pained. “I waited. I know I don’t deserve it, but I wanted my turn to speak while you listened.”

“I couldn’t do it,” I grit out. My hand
s find their way to Devon’s back to clutch him closer- I try to meld our bodies as one. I know what it feels like to be one with Devon. I weep when I realize I will never experience that life-changing sensation again.

“I couldn’t listen to
words from your drug-addled mind. They would’ve haunted me for a lifetime. What you’ve already said and done will never leave me. What I’ve seen will forever be a part of me. I couldn’t add any more to it and survive.”

“I deserve that. I…
Willow, nothing of what I’ve done was about you. You need to know that at least. I loved you with all of my heart- I love you more now, I think. It was all about me- all of it,” he grinds out and shakes me.

“I want those words, but from a sober mind.
When I said they would haunt me. I’d meant that when you come home you’ll have a different set of words that will differ from the excuses you would’ve given me. I don’t want to spend a lifetime analyzing the difference, and wondering which were the real Devon’s words. I think Rehab will be best for you, Devon. You need to work this shit out.”

“What I’ve done was unforgivable. I feel like I’m living in a nightmare. When I see myself, this is not who I see. I… Oh my God,” he sobs and clutches me. “What have I done?” 

I find myself being the strong one again, holding Devon from tumbling to the floor. He clings to me, sobbing my name, sobbing all the heinous acts he’s done in the past few months. Many of the things are a revelation- I hadn’t known most of them and I don’t know if I can shoulder their burden. I’m impressed that he’s still alive. What he did with Essie and Bethany was mild in comparison. He confesses to me as if I am a Catholic Priest.

His father left the room after he admitted the second felony- no doubt a conflict of interests, as his boss and the police Chief, but mostly, as a father. No one should know the dark acts their child commits
while chasing their next high.

“I don’t expect your forgiveness and I don’t want it until I earn it. Don’t forgive me, Willow. The look you gave me in your bedroom- the look of disappointment, but you still helped me by giving me water- that look made me say yes
to rehab and actually mean it.”

“Don’t be a coward for once, Devon. Do the ri
ght thing. Don’t be weak,” I harshly order. Devon needs harsh to put a fire under his ass. I can even read a strung-out Devon.

“
I have a confession to make.” Devon humorlessly laughs when he realizes how ridiculous that sounds, considering the shit he just confessed. “I listened to your conversation with Robin. I needed to hear you say that I’m acting like my mother. I needed that punch to the gut. You’re right and you’re amazing. Don’t ever forget who you are. Don’t ever let anyone change you.”

Devon
pauses, as if at a loss for words. We’ve said all we need to say. I have to end this before I beg Devon not to leave, beg him not to leave
me
. I love him and myself enough to admit that we’re better apart than together. Even if Devon comes home sober- two recovering substance abusers shouldn’t cohabitate. Devon tried to warn me when he said, ‘if one of us falls, we’ll take the other one down with us.’ I remember thinking ‘it’d be a fun ride down.’ I was so wrong. Seeing Devon at his worst made me realize there is no fun, no pride in being an addict.

“I guess this is goodbye,” I whimper and pr
ess my face into the crook of Devon’s neck, deeply inhaling one last hit of his intoxicating scent.

“No, never goodbye, Willow,” Devon
objects.

“Yes, it’s goodbye. The man standing before me won’t be the one that returns
. Whether or not you’re sober, it won’t be this version of you. In sixty days… neither of us will be the same version of ourselves.”

“Fair enough,” Devon
agrees. “I guess this is goodbye, then. I know I’ll never be your boyfriend again, but I’ll earn the title best friend back. I promise you this, Willow.”

“No, you can never be my best fr
iend again, Devon- never,” I harshly admit.

“What?” Devon
cries, crestfallen. He tries to pull from my embrace, but I won’t allow it. I tightly cling to him, never wanting to let him go.

“Friends come and go, and change as we change. There is a group of people who never change, no matter what you do, how you act, or even hurt them. You’ve hurt me so much, yet I crawled out of another man’s arms to say goodbye to you. Devon, I guess that makes us family now. You have to love your family, but you don’t have to like them.”

I take one last inhale of Devon’s musky vanilla scent. I can’t draw enough into my lungs to last a lifetime, because I’ll never get enough of his intoxicating, comforting scent. The warmth I feel when I’m in Devon’s arms will never be enough. But right now, Devon isn’t enough for Devon. He has to learn to forgive himself, and then to love himself, before he can heal and try to love anyone else.

I don’t say goodbye. I kiss Devon’
s throat and he shudders in my arms.

Seconds later I find myself on the floor, rough carpeting biting into my palms as my keening echoes around
the Masons’ living room. I feel so cold without him- empty. I’ll never be warm again. How do I draw air into my lungs if it’s not flavored in Devon’s scent? How do you stop your heart from bleeding you dry?

“
It’s okay, go back to your rooms,” Kieren chokes out. “Willow will be okay. I promise I’ll make her okay… Spanky… spanky… spanky…” Kieren repeats my nickname, trying to get me to respond. Arms slide under my knees and around my shoulders. Kieren picks me up and sets me on his lap on the same sofa I used to sit at with Devon- kiss Devon… cuddle… talk… play… and laugh…

Devon…

“I guess you don’t realize how much you love someone until they’re gone,” I sniffle. “Clover, my sister, must feel dead inside. Devon will only be two-thousand miles away, but Sam is dead- gone forever, never to resurface. I thought it hurt then, this is so much worse,” I hoarsely breathe out.

“I’d never been a day without him. I’d never slept in my room alone
since Devon came back from the academy. When he didn’t come home, I knew something was wrong. Willow, I spent three solid days and nights looking for him. I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want you to feel the terror I felt. I get it. The only reason I’m not going insane is because I have two kids in there who are shattered. I have to stay strong for my dad. I know everyone always thought I was the fuck-up, who tossed his life away by becoming a mechanic instead of playing college football. Officer Devon was our saint and I could never compete with that. Not once did I resent my brother. But right now… what I feel is pretty close to hate, pretty close to how I feel about my mom.”