Gone (32 page)

“Because they will think it was my fault.”

His hand maintains its smoothing glide. “That’s crazy they won’t.”

“They will. It will drag up what happened in London, everyone will know I am the girl who causes trouble and then my family will be branded again.”

“That’s not true. Is this because of what those people called you on Facebook after that party?”

“No, it’s about everything I’ve ever been called. They will find out everything I’ve ever done.” My voice has risen to the point of shattering.

“This is ridiculous, you must be in shock. You’ve got to go to the police.”

I give my head another firm shake. “No. He didn’t even hurt me tonight, not really.” I know I am not being truthful. I just don’t want to go to the police. If I go to the police then everyone will find out about me and then I know I will never be able to stay in this town. And I know I will not be able to stay with Josh. Not ever.

“You’re telling me he didn’t hurt you tonight?” He slides the shirt off my shoulder exposing the long red welt.

“It could have been worse.”

In a flash he is up off the couch. “It could have been worse? That’s all you have to say? For fucks sake, Rebecca, he could have raped you. Another few minutes and it would have been done. It could have been so much worse.”

“He didn’t touch me, Josh.” My mouth can’t form his full name. The letters have got stuck on their way out of my mouth.

“Of course he did, Bex. Your bloody jeans were undone.”

Objectively I make myself scan back through those moments on the sand. It feels like I am watching them on a movie screen. Shaking my head I reach for Joshua. “He didn’t touch me, I promise, you stopped him.” It feels strange that I am assuring him and making him promises but he looks like he is being devoured from the inside out.

Joshua starts to pace the room, his frustration seething, and his torment painfully clear. I feel a strange detachment from the situation. With a humourless laugh I realise why I’m not feeling it. The sad truth is that I expect nothing less for myself, trouble follows me everywhere, which makes me realise that it is not technically following me but rather that I am the trouble itself.

Oblivious to my inner epiphany Josh turns on me, his body rigid as he fights with himself. “Do you know what the worst bit is?”

“There is a worse bit?”

Joshua’s green eyes storm like the sea as he holds himself in check. “The worst bit is, I still want you, even now. Even though I’ve seen that happen to you, I still want you. I still want every bit of you to belong to me.”

Hot fast tears start to slide down his cheek as he hangs his head in shame.

Slowly, ignoring the pain in my aching legs and stiff arms I get up from the sofa and walk towards him. “Josh look at me.” He does, his face wet and flushed. With tentative fingers I reach for him and press my body against his. “Will you help me wash it away, like you did the sand that one day?”

His face crinkles into a frown.

“If you wash it away then they won’t be able to prove anything.”

“Just help me get rid of it.” And with that I start to unbutton the rest of the shirt. Once it has dropped to the floor Josh sweeps his eyes over me as he takes in the bruises over my body. Lifting me up into his arms and carrying me to the shower he flicks on scalding hot water, strips off his own clothes and we stand together under the steaming jets. Desperately I cling onto my saving grace, until at last I begin to feel real again.

THREE DAYS TO GO

Bridge Cottage

St Agnes

Cornwall

24th August 2013

Dear E,

Was I being naïve? Stupid? Was I fooling myself into thinking that I could belong anywhere? I can’t stay here now can I?

Josh must know that I can’t stay. My parents will soon know that our conversation we had yesterday where I tried to convince them that I could be a different girl, and they begged me to stay and be happy was just make-believe.

I’ve never wanted to talk to you more than I do this morning. I will never regret more than I do right now that you are no longer here with me.

It’s my fault that you aren’t here. It’s my fault that your family have to miss you every day. Dan may be a beast but his words were right, I am a killer. As soon as Josh finds out I will lose him forever just like I lost you.  Maybe that’s all I deserve.

Every day I wish I could turn back the clock. Wherever you are, do you wish it too?

Always missing you.

B.

xx

Rebecca

Breakfast

I wake and glance at the form next to me. It’s not Josh. Josh walked me in the front door just like he promised my dad he would. He walked me up the stairs, pulled back the cover on the bed and then tucked me in.

“Stay with me.” I begged as he edged the duvet under my aching body.

“I can’t. I’ve got to do something. I will be back okay, get some sleep.” With his words he kissed me on the lips and walked away towards the door, determination set in his shoulder but his feet dragging against the floor.

“
Joshua, don’t do anything. Please.” I pleaded with him to stay. I didn’t want Josh to get hurt because of me. Enough people have been hurt over me. Everyone I know gets hurt one way or the other.

He turned and smiled at me. “I’ll be back before you wake up, my angel.” I watched the door swing shut behind him a smile on my lips as sleep over took me and I went under wondering why he had suddenly started calling me angel.

I woke two hours later screaming the place down as all thoughts of angels had left me and all I could remember was darkness, vile hands on me and the words “A person who kills people.” As cold sweat clung to my skin, and my heart crashed in my chest a small body crept into my bed. Emily. Smoothing my hair like Josh did hours earlier she wrapped her tiny arms around me and I went to sleep comforted by the presence of my baby sister holding me tight.

“You’re awake,” she says, blue eyes sharp and alert.

“Yep.” I try and stretch but there is not a single part of my body that does not scream out in resentful agony. I wince with the movement and Emily watches my face.

“What happened?”

“What do you mean?”

“Bex you are covered in bruises. Josh isn’t here, and you cried in your sleep the whole night.”

“It wasn’t Josh.” I blurt the words, completely ruining any further lie I could have told. Still no harm in trying. “I fell over on the dance floor.”

Emily raises an eyebrow and moves Joshua’s shirt which I am still wearing out of the way. The red mark is still there, still vibrant and still an angry reminder of what nearly happened.

“I’m going to get Mum.” She starts to move and I grab her back.

“Please don’t.”

“You need Mum.”

“What for?” I hear mum’s voice as she walks into the room. “There you are. I’ve been looking for you. It’s been years since you two slept in the same room.”

It’s been a year and a half. A year and a half since my counsellor said my parents should stop it because that way I may break the protective bond I felt for Emily.

Mum’s smile falters as she sees me. “What happened to you?” Her mouth is open and her hands automatically shake as she takes in my appearance. Her colour fades to a strange shade of pale.

“Nothing, Mum, it’s nothing.”

She shakes her head in response. Moving towards my dressing table she grabs a small mirror and brings it over to me. “Nothing?”

I almost don’t want to look but with more bravery then I feel on the inside I take the mirror in my hand and glance at myself. My lips are doubled in size, my eyes and right cheek are stained black, and there is a red streak along my neck where I guess my halter neck top was yanked. I don’t know what to say, or feel, or do. I continue to watch my deformed face in the mirror as I wait for someone else to take control for me.

“Emily, go and get dressed then find your father and tell him we need milk, bread and something for lunch from the shops. Preferably shops far away.”

“But?” Emily looks at me, fear written across her face. It kills me to see it there when I always promised she would never feel fear again.

I nod my head at her encouragingly. “It’s okay, Em, take Dad out, Mum is going to look after me.”

Emily listens to me like she always does and moves swiftly from under the cover on the bed where she has been keeping me warm all night. I feel the absence of her warmth straight away and a shiver runs along my skin.

“Well done, Em,” Mum calls after her. “But you should have called me in the night. I am Bex’s Mum.”

Emily gives a small nod of her head and walks out the door allowing it to close softly behind her.

Mum walks towards me her colour coming back and then some. “What happened and don’t lie. I want to know the truth.”

I open my mouth ready to construct a lie, but search as I might, I can’t find one in my soul. “There was a guy.” I stop. Already the images are barraging inside my mind, the objectivity I felt last night is long gone and this time I don’t have Joshua to hide behind. I don’t even know where he is, he never came back like he said he would.
Where is he?

Mum’s voice pulls me away from this new line of thought. “
Yes Rebecca.”

My full name on her lips sounds strange. “Can you call me Bex, I don’t think I like Rebecca anymore.”

There is a single beat of silence as she registers my request.

“Why’s that, Bex?”

“Because bad things happen to her.” Then, finally, the tidal wave hits me and I can’t fight the tears I couldn’t find last night in Joshua’s studio.

Two hours later the front door slams and I lift my head from my mums lap. “That’s Dad.”

“Yeah probably.”

“Are you going to tell him?”

“I think
we
should.” She smiles at me encouragingly.

“I can’t. I can’t do that to him again.”

“Reb-, Bex. Why are you always so keen to protect everyone else but never yourself?” This isn’t the first time she has said this over the last couple of hours. Mum was furious when I told her that I had showered off any evidence that my body may have contained. I told her that despite Joshua’s insistence, I didn’t think that without Dan actually completing his task there would have been any DNA, and in the grand scheme of things I’d rather go without the DNA than live through the full ordeal.

“
I don’t understand how on the one hand you can break a porcelain sink with a girls head because she hurt your sister but you can’t stand up for yourself,” she continues.

“Mum I already told you, he was too strong.” I have been through every gory detail with my mum until she was satisfied I was not hiding something darker from her. I know that I got off very lightly and I know it’s thanks to Joshua searching for me across the beach that this is the case.

“No but you could have protected your honour, told everyone what he had done to you. This is what we should have made you do the other week when those people were spreading lies about you”.”

“Mum.” I stop speaking because the door to my room opens and Faye walks in.

“Sorry to interrupt,” she starts to say but stops when she sees me. I seem to be having that effect a lot. “Oh my god, Bex.” Faye starts to cry which also seems to be happening a lot.

“Faye, don’t.”
I hold my hand up to stop her.

“Shit.” She brushes her hands quickly across her face trying to remove the tears.

“Where is Josh, Faye? He said he would come back?”

“That’s why I am here,” she wipes her hand along her nose. “He was arrested this morning. Aggravated assault, or some crap like that.”

“On?” I don’t really need to ask.

“Dan.”

Oh shit, what have I done? Dan should be the one with the police not Joshua. If I had done what he asked and gone to the police then Dan would have been arrested and Joshua would not have taken the law into his own hands.

Not only have I been unable to protect myself, I have failed at protecting Joshua as well.

“They need you to corroborate his story otherwise the charge is going to stick.” Fays adds.

“I can’t. I washed it all away.”

“At least just tell them, they will only have to see you to know.”

“I can’t.”

“Why, Bex? What are you so scared of?”

I bite my lip as I think of all the very many things I am scared of. Leaving, loving, wanting, needing, failing.

“I’m scared of everyone knowing the person I am.” My breathing starts to hitch. “I’m scared of Joshua knowing what sort of person I am.” A sob wrenches from my chest. “But more than that I am scared of being the person I think I am.”

Mum leaps forward and grabs my face in her hands. “You are not. Stop saying things like that.”

“Mum you don’t even know half of the stuff I have done.”