Gold in the Fire and Light in the Storm (11 page)

“Yes, Dad.” She cleared her throat, her hands twisting together in her lap. “Please reconsider going to the talent show. It’s not really going to church.”

“Didn’t you tell me there was a service before the show?”

“Yes, but you can come late.”

“Humph. I vowed I wouldn’t set foot in that church after your mother died.”

Darcy tossed her napkin on the table and straightened in her chair, preparing to do battle. “Why, Dad? You never told me why.”

“Because it is none—” He clamped his mouth down on the last part of the sentence and glared at her. Then, with a deep breath, he continued. “God let me down. For years I was a good Christian who went to church every Sunday. All I asked of the Lord was to heal Nancy, to give my wife back to me. That didn’t happen, so I stopped going.”

“You can’t bargain with God. He knows what’s best, and sometimes we just have to accept what He plans for us rather than what we plan for ourselves.”

“Is that what you really feel?”

A calm settled over Darcy, and for the first time she realized the true meaning of giving herself totally to the Lord, with no strings attached. “Yes. I know how important control is to you, but we can’t control everything.”

Her father splayed his hand over his heart. “I know that. These past few months have clearly shown me my limitations.”

“Make your grandson happy. Come hear him sing. We don’t have a big family. We need to stick together.”

“Do you really feel that way?”

She nodded.

“Then why were you gone for ten years? That’s not sticking together, child.”

“I was wrong.”

Her father shoved his chair back and stood. “No, you were angry at me and I think you still are.”

Darcy came to her feet, not wanting to give her father a height advantage. Every part of her rang with her anger. “Yes, I was—I still am.”

“Why?”

That one word sent the tension in the room skyrocketing. “Because you’re the reason Mother killed herself.”

Her father’s eyes widened, then fury chased away his surprise and settled over his features. “How dare you say that! I loved your mother very much.”

“Then why were you two always fighting? Why did she spend most of her days in her room, sleeping or crying, that last year? Why didn’t you help her?”

He clenched his hands at his sides. “Because she wouldn’t take her medication and refused to see the doctor. No matter how much I pleaded, I couldn’t get her to do anything to help herself. People have to want to help themselves or nothing you do will matter.” He covered the short space between them. “Why do you think I turned to the Lord? I couldn’t help her. I thought maybe He could. He didn’t.”

A vision of her mother the last time she’d seen her flashed into her mind. “I found her, Dad, that morning, lying on her bed as though she were asleep, peaceful, except she wouldn’t wake up. That’s when I found the bottle of her medication by her nightstand, completely empty. I knew then that she’d taken the whole prescription at once. You never said a word to me about it. You just locked yourself in your office and worked. I
needed
you.” Her whole body shook with her intense emotions, with the pain of remembering, with the image that plagued her to this day.

“Not the way I was after your mother died. I wasn’t
good for anyone. I lost the woman I loved and I blamed God. But mostly I blamed myself. I should have been able to do something.”

“So instead, you turned away from me
and
God.”

“Don’t you see, Darcy, I was never any good at words. I couldn’t explain how I was feeling, let alone explain anything to you.”

“How about a simple, ‘I love you, Darcy.’ That’s all I needed. That’s all I ever needed to hear from you.”
And never did
, she thought, tension gripping her stomach.

“I do.”

“You have a funny way of showing it. You can’t even say the words now.” Her true feelings, bottled up for years, spewed forward, and while a part of Darcy was taken by surprise, another part was not at all surprised. She was learning to say what she felt. He started to speak, and she cut him off, continuing. “You always demanded I do everything perfectly. I have a news flash for you, Dad, people aren’t perfect. But I tried my best. And I always felt I let you down. If you must know, that’s the real reason I stayed away for ten years. I couldn’t stand to see the disappointment in your eyes one more time. I had all I could handle with trying to keep my marriage together with a man who was as demanding and controlling as you were. Never again.”

Her father took several steps back, a sheen to his eyes. “Why didn’t you say something before now?”

“Don’t you dare turn everything back on me. I shouldn’t have had to say anything. You’re my father.
You should love me without putting conditions on that love. You should love the Lord the same way.” The force of her anger prodded her toward the door of the dining room. She needed to get out of here, the air hot and suffocating, her lungs tight with each breath.

Snatching up her purse from the kitchen counter, she hurried from the house, aware of Lizzy’s stunned expression as she’d flown through the kitchen. She hopped into the truck, intending to pick Sean up at the barn instead of waiting for him. Her hand trembled so badly, she had a hard time fitting the key into the ignition. When she accomplished that task, instead of starting the engine she just sat in the truck, staring out the windshield at the pasture where several mares grazed.

I’m as guilty as my father for putting conditions on my faith in the Lord
, she thought. That realization struck her with the force of a hurricane, doubling her over. She rested her forehead against the steering wheel, thinking back to the times she had avoided going to church or praying because she had felt God wasn’t listening to her. At the first sign of trouble she had turned away, just as her father had.

Dear Heavenly Father, please forgive me for all those years I thought I knew what was best. Help me to see Your way for me.

Sean swung the door open and climbed into the cab. “I’m all done. Let’s go.” He paused for a few seconds. “Mom, are you all right?”

Darcy lifted her head and focused on the most precious
thing in her life. “I’m fine. I was just thinking, that’s all.” She would not cry. She would not fall apart in front of her son. With seesawing emotions, she asked, “Are you all right with Grandpa not coming to hear you sing?”

He shrugged. “I guess so. Maybe he’ll change his mind.”

“Don’t count on it, hon,” she said, her hands clamping the steering wheel.

Finally Darcy started the truck and headed toward Crystal’s house. After picking her up, they all made their way toward Sweetwater Community Church.

Crystal beamed. “Joshua came by and talked to Mom about a therapy dog for me. Isn’t that great! I should be getting one soon.”

“Then I can help you teach it some tricks,” Sean said.

“Honey, I think therapy dogs are already trained,” Darcy said, turning into the parking lot at the church.

“Yeah. Joshua said that if I drop a pencil, the dog can pick it up. That’s so neat!”

“Way better than sitting or rolling over.” Sean shifted on the seat. “I hope we’re still here when you get your dog.”

After parking along the sidewalk that led to the entrance, Darcy slid from the truck and came around to get Crystal out. Thankfully the child was small for her twelve years, so Darcy managed to lift her from the truck alone. But as she opened the door, Joshua walked up behind her.

“I’ll get Crystal for you.” He swung the wheelchair from the back and positioned it on the sidewalk.

Seeing him lifted Darcy’s spirits. “Thanks. What are you doing here?”

“Myself and a few of the other firefighters at my station are the guest speakers today.”

After Joshua placed Crystal in her wheelchair, Sean leaped from the truck. “I’ll take her inside. Devotional starts in a few minutes. I don’t want to be late.”

Darcy stood next to Joshua, watching her son take care of Crystal. Her heart swelled with pride at how caring Sean was. Why couldn’t her father see how important the talent show was to Sean?

“What’s wrong, Darcy?”

She tilted her head to the side, looking into Joshua’s beautiful blue eyes. “Nothing.”

“Darcy, I’m getting pretty good at reading your moods and I’ve got the feeling something isn’t right. Don’t make me drag it out of you. I have to be ready to entertain the kids in twenty minutes.”

He gave her a grin that sent her heart pounding. She said, “Dad and I had a big argument today. Sean asked him to come to the talent show on Friday evening and Dad said no. I couldn’t—” Her emotions clogged her throat. She swallowed hard. “I finally told my father what I’d been carrying around for years.” Tears misted her eyes, making Joshua’s image blurry. “Do you know I can’t remember my father ever telling me he loved me?” One tear escaped and rolled down her face.

Joshua brushed his thumb across her cheek, the touch so soft and gentle that her tears increased. Seeing them,
he drew her against his rock-hard chest, his hand stroking the length of her back.

“I’m so sorry, Darcy. That can’t be easy.”

She cried against him, feeling the strong beat of his heart beneath her ear, soothing her, while his caress eased the disappointment she’d experienced all those years and was reliving now through Sean. For a brief moment she felt cherished by another, worthy of someone’s attention.

Leaning back, she saw the wetness of her tears staining his shirt. She touched the damp place over his heart. “I didn’t mean to cry like that.”

“I know.” He smoothed a stray strand of her hair behind her ear, then cupped her chin, compelling her to look him in the eye.

His soft expression threatened to bring on more tears. This man before her was special, someone who cared deeply for others, someone she actually might be able to love—She halted the train of her thoughts, not wanting to delve any more into her turbulent emotions, which had taken a beating that morning.

His intense gaze robbed her of thought. It held hers bound to him for a timeless moment. His other hand came up to fit along her jawline. Cradling her face, he leaned toward her.

J
oshua brushed his lips across hers. Darcy’s heart stopped beating for a split second, then began to hammer against her rib cage. As he settled his mouth over hers, she became lost in the sensations she hadn’t ever experienced. As though Joshua realized where they were, he pulled back, his hands still cupping Darcy’s face. Half veiled, his blue eyes smoldered. Reluctantly he slid his fingers away and stepped back.

Darcy sucked in a deep, calming breath, held it for a few seconds, then slowly released it between pursed lips. Joshua’s kiss rocked her to her core as if he had laid claim to her. Every sensible part of her screamed that she should escape before she lost herself to him. There were so many reasons it would never work between them.

One corner of his mouth hitched in a lopsided grin. “I’d better get inside before they send out a search party. See you later.”

Darcy didn’t say anything, her mind swirling with all the sensations that he’d provoked in her. The one overriding thought was that she was in over her head.

“I’m so tickled to see you and Joshua together. My only regret is that I didn’t get you two together,” Jesse said, approaching from behind.

Darcy glanced over her shoulder at her friend and noticed the calculating gleam in her eyes. “You can stop right there. There is no ‘Joshua and me.’ Period. End of story, Jesse Bradshaw.”

“Why don’t you two come over to dinner next week?”

Darcy laughed. “No way. I know about your little dinner parties. I will not be a part of one of your matchmaking schemes.”

Jesse shrugged. “What’s there to match? It looked to me like you were doing pretty well on your own.” She tilted her head. “Why
isn’t
there a Joshua and Darcy?”

Fluttering her hand in the air, Darcy frowned. “Because—because—it wouldn’t work.”

“You’re perfect for each other. You’re much better for Joshua than Carol ever was.”

“Did you get those two together?”

“They are not one of my failures, Darcy O’Brien. I’ll have you know my record is quite good.”

Darcy headed around her truck to the driver’s side. “Well, don’t get any ideas. Joshua is a friend who has taken an interest in Sean.”

“Ah, a smart man. Going through your son to get past your defenses.”

Darcy wrenched open the truck door. “What you see is what you get. I have no defenses.” She climbed into the truck and started the engine.

Jesse opened the passenger door and poked her head into the cab. “You forget I was your best friend in high school and stood by you when your mother died. You have defenses to keep people from knowing the real you.”

“Good day, Jesse.”

Jesse closed the door, a knowing look on her face. As Darcy drove away, she tapped the steering wheel, nervous energy surging through her. She didn’t have defenses. She didn’t spill her life story to a stranger, but—who was she kidding? She knew perfectly well she was afraid to let anyone get too close, especially after her father’s and Clay’s rejections. She just couldn’t deal with it a third time.

“Mom, do I look all right?” Sean asked, coming to a halt in front of her in the church’s rec hall at the end of Vacation Bible School on Friday evening. He thrust back his shoulders and stood as tall as he could.

Darcy took in his black slacks and white short-sleeved shirt, his combed hair and clean face. “You will knock them dead.”

“You think?”

“I know.”

“See you after the show.”

As Sean raced over to a group of boys standing near the stage, Joshua weaved his way through the crowd to
ward her. Darcy also saw Jesse coming from the opposite direction. She’d better warn Joshua that Jesse was up to her usual tricks. Darcy stepped forward to greet him with a smile.

“Before Jesse arrives, I must warn you that—”

Joshua chuckled. “You don’t have to. I’ve already been subjected to twenty questions about us.”

“She just doesn’t understand there is no ‘us.’”

“No, she’s tenacious and honing in on us as we speak.” He grinned. “It’s good to see you, Jesse. Is Nate ready for the big talent show?”

“If Bingo will cooperate. He taught him to jump through a hoop, which usually works until something catches his eye and he runs off.”

“Sean’s trying to catch up with Nate on the dog tricks, but Lady isn’t cooperating. We’d better get a seat. I want to sit up front.”

Darcy led the way toward the front near the stage. Joshua’s nearness made her spine tingle, and she was glad Jesse couldn’t read minds. She would have a hard time denying that Joshua was no more than a friend if Jesse knew what she was thinking, feeling.

“Where’s your dad, Darcy? I thought he would be here tonight since Sean was performing.” Jesse sat on one side of Darcy while Joshua took the chair on the other side.

“He had other plans.”

Joshua slid his hand over hers and held it between them. His reassuring touch chipped away at those defenses that Jesse declared she had.

The murmur of people’s voices quieted. Darcy looked about, wondering why everyone had stopped talking—the show wasn’t supposed to start for another ten minutes. Her gaze lit upon her father, with Lizzy next to him, striding toward her. An uncomfortable expression settled over his features. Stunned, Darcy scooted down so her father and Lizzy could sit by her.

The silence in the rec hall ended, and everyone seemed to be talking at once, greeting her father, waving at him. His uneasy expression evolved into a smile.

Her father slid into the chair next to Joshua, leaned over and said, “A guy can change his mind, too. That’s not just for women.”

“I’m glad you changed your mind. Sean will be thrilled to see you in the audience.”

“He’s the reason I’m here—him and you and Lizzy.”

Her father threw the housekeeper an unreadable look that caused Darcy to wonder what had happened between them. She’d thought it strange that Lizzy said she would have to come later, that she still had something she needed to do. Lizzy had assured Sean, however, that she would be here in time to see him sing. Darcy studied the pair for a moment. She’d always thought Lizzy had a soft spot for her father, but Dad had seemed so immerse in his guilt and anger that Darcy hadn’t believed her father had picked up on the signals from Lizzy.

Jesse leaned close and whispered into her ear, “It’s about time those two got together.”

Darcy chuckled. “They’re not together—yet. And I
agree. Dad needs someone to temper him and Lizzy would be perfect for the job.”

“Maybe I should invite both you and Joshua and your dad and Lizzy to dinner.”

Darcy’s laughter filled the silence that had descended with the opening of the curtains on the stage. She blushed and whispered, “That would send my father running for the hills. You’d better leave well enough alone. Lizzy is more than capable of pursuing it from here.”

“If you say so.”

Joshua squeezed her hand, drawing her attention toward him. “I heard my name mentioned and a dinner party.”

“Don’t worry. I discouraged Jesse from going ahead with those plans.”

He blew out a relieved breath and wiped some imaginary sweat from his brow. “Boy, that’s a load off my mind.”

Reverend Collins came out onto the stage and announced the first act: Nate Bradshaw and his dog, Bingo. Jesse clapped and whistled. The mutt lasted through two tricks before he took off, spotting something behind the curtain. Nate ran after him, and a laughing reverend stepped onto the stage.

The next act was Crystal and Sean. Her son wheeled the young girl out onto the stage and stood next to her. They sang “Amazing Grace,” Darcy’s favorite, and she was proud. The blending of Sean’s and Crystal’s voices
was sweet and moving. Darcy glanced at her father during her son’s performance and saw tears in his eyes. A lump formed in her throat, threatening her own tears.

When the pair were through, Darcy jumped to her feet and clapped. Her father, Joshua, and Lizzy joined her, followed by others in the audience.

The rest of the talent show sped by in a blur. Darcy was aware of Joshua next to her, aware of his every move as if they were connected. He no longer held her hand, but her skin tingled where he had touched her. Their comfortable camaraderie was shifting, evolving into something full of mystery and…hope. Startled by the direction her thoughts were going, Darcy pushed them away.

At the end she rose.

“Dad, thank you for coming. Did you see Sean’s face light up when he saw you?”

“Yes. Did you hear him sing that song? I didn’t know he was so talented.”

“I think back home he should join the children’s choir. I don’t know where he got the ability to sing like an angel. It certainly wasn’t from me.”

“Your mother could sing like that.”

At the mention of her mother, Darcy widened her eyes. Her father had rarely talked about her mother after her death. “That’s right. I remember she used to be in the choir here.”

“Yes, well—” her father shuffled around, glancing at the floor “—I guess it skipped a generation.”

“Shamus, I need to make sure the refreshments are
set up correctly. Will you help me?” Lizzy asked, already heading toward the kitchen off the rec hall.

“See you later.”

“Will wonders never cease? Not only is my father stepping into a kitchen, but he’s going to
help
in one.”

“Lizzy has a way about her.” Joshua scanned the room. “I see Sean wheeling Crystal to Tanya. He’s following your father into the kitchen now.”

“I’m jealous. Us short people miss out on so much.”

“I’m glad to see your dad here. Do you think he will start attending again?”

“This morning I would have said no. Tonight I have to say I don’t know. My dad used to be predictable. Not now.” Darcy remembered the tears in her father’s eyes when Sean sang, and wondered about them. Had the words of the song spoken to her father on a spiritual level as they had to her?

“Maybe your conversation with him opened his eyes.”

“Maybe,” Darcy said, deciding she would have to pursue that with her father later.

Darcy entered the office at the back of the house and found her father standing at the large window that overlooked one of the pastures. Several mares grazed with their colts and fillies not far from them. The sun paved the green grass with its golden rays and the fields were dotted with multicolored wildflowers gently swaying in the breeze.

Looking out the window with her father, Darcy
couldn’t help but think that the sight before her was God’s work at its best. Beautiful. Serene. She’d forgotten how much she loved the farm—or rather, had forced herself to forget.

“Dad, we’re just about ready to leave for the charity auction at the church. You still going with us?”

Never taking his eyes off the scene out the window, he answered, “I told Sean I would.”

Relief trembled through Darcy. Her father had been acting strangely lately and she wasn’t sure anymore what to expect from him. “Are you riding with Lizzy?”

“Yep. Joshua still coming by to pick you and Sean up?”

“Yep.”

Silence descended between them, not the awkward kind of the past but a tranquil one. Again Darcy was surprised by that thought. In her mind tranquility and Shamrock Stables had never gone together before.

“Joshua’s a good man. Sean really likes him.” Her father shifted to look at her.

“Yes, he is, and your point being?”

He chuckled. “You’re getting quite good at getting to the crux of what you want to say.”

“I learned from the master.”

“I’m glad you think I taught you something.” Sadness darkened his eyes.

“I’ve always thought you taught me a lot. Everything I know about horses and farming is from you.”

“But that’s where it stops?”

“No, Dad. You were the one who taught me about the power of God.”

“Until I stopped going to church.” His hand lying on the windowpane fisted. “I was wrong, Darcy. I never should have, and do you know who made me realize that?”

Throat jammed with emotions, Darcy could only shake her head.

“Your son when he sang ‘Amazing Grace.’ I realized I was that wretched soul in the song. I’ve been going through life lost and blind. When Sean finished singing, I felt a peace over me that I hadn’t felt in years—since before your mother’s death.”

“God works in amazing ways,” Darcy said in a choked voice, her own reaction to the song swamping her with intense feelings. She, too, had turned away from the Lord in many ways—until she had come home.

Her father clasped her upper arms. “Exactly. I forgot that. I forgot the Lord is in control, not me, that He does care about us and is there for us. I have let my anger at your mother get in the way of our relationship as father and daughter. I love you, Darcy. Please don’t ever think otherwise.”

The roughened edge to her father’s voice brought tears to her eyes. “Dad” was all she could say. Every other word was whisked from her mind.

He drew her into his embrace and gave her a fierce hug. “I haven’t been the father I should have been. I was too tough on you because I wanted you to be ready
to run this farm when I died. There was so much to teach you and you were all I had. I…” His voice faded into the quiet.

When Darcy pulled back to stare into his face, tears streamed down her face and she didn’t care. For once she wanted to show what she was feeling in her heart.

“I was wrong, Darcy.”

She’d never heard him admit that, and to hear him say it twice in one day stunned her.

“I won’t make that mistake with Sean. I hope you’ll let him come visit every summer. I hope you’ll come, too. One day—” he motioned toward the window “—all this will be yours and Sean’s. If you ever care to move back here, there will always be a home for you two.”

“Dad, I don’t know if—”

“Shh, you don’t have to say anything. I understand why you stay away. Lizzy and I have been talking about it, and I can’t blame you.”

“Lizzy and you?” She shouldn’t be surprised by that comment because she had seen them together quite a bit since his heart attack. Once the week before, Lizzy had been sitting at the dining room table eating her breakfast and conversing with her father. The second she had entered the room, though, the housekeeper had risen and scurried into the kitchen.