Going Solo (New Song) (19 page)

She got up. "I am going to write a letter to Carson and then I am calling a taxi. I am going to New York."

"A letter?" Delores shook her head. "Wait until he gets home and you both discuss it."

"No." Alice frowned. "Carson will convince me to stay. I won't want to leave him, Delores. I have to leave now while I have the strength. Please understand."

Delores did not move a muscle. She sat and watched her quietly as she wrote the letter and then she watched as she put on her clothes and went to get her battered handbag from the corner and stuffed all her documents in there. It was then that she spoke.

"Go with God, Alice, and for Carson and Mia's sake, don't you come back till you are better."

Alice nodded mutely, tears amassing behind her eyelids. She didn't even look back when she was in the taxi. She cried all the way to the airport. It was a wonder that the front desk person understood her when she was trying to get a flight. Her plane took off at three. She hoped that a change of scenery would give her a new perspective. Instead, she found that she missed Carson more than ever. It were as if she had lost a limb, and in order to cope, she had to block out thoughts of him and her life in Jamaica.

Summer 2010

"There you are." Carson said, coming out of the office and walking toward her. "Where's Friya?"

"She actually came to ask you if she could come and see me," Alice said, sighing. "So I guess my coming here today was providential. We had a good talk."

Carson nodded. "Good."

He leaned on the car beside her. "You look so pensive." He turned his brown eyes on her and gave her one of his long, searching looks.

"I was thinking about the first time I left Jamaica." Alice folded her arms. "I walked out that December feeling as if I was finally free."

Carson said wryly, "That Christmas sucked. I think I cried like a baby that year."

"You did?" Alice looked at him, appalled. "I made you miserable. I was always whining, and I cried at the drop of a hat. At least you should have been happy that I wasn't around."

"I'll never be happy when you are not around. I missed you so badly," Carson said clenching his hand, "that I practically started sleeping here. I worked some mad hours too. That day when you left, I saw a lavender negligee in a storefront. It was light and pretty. I pictured you in it and I bought it. I was coming home to give it to you. I wanted you to wear it for me."

"Oh no," Alice whispered. "Sorry."

Carson nodded. "I know. We both had to grow but now you are here."

"I am leaving in a week," Alice said softly. "Seven days."

Carson did not say anything.

"Say something." Alice prodded him.

Carson shrugged. "I never want to hold you back or interfere with what you think is right for you. If you and I, us, our marriage is not right for you, then I won't be in your way."

Alice closed her eyes and then opened them again. He touched her hair and then ran his fingers across her cheek. "You realize that next January you'll be thirty years old?"

"Yes," Alice said. "I know I am getting older."

He smiled. "I met you when you were ten, a wide-eyed girl with a solemn expression who always stuck out like a sore thumb in our grungy, ugly neighborhood. My girl forever." He raised her hand and kissed her knuckles one by one. "Time is not waiting on us, Alice. I can't wait ten more years for you."

He released her hand, "I am going to get Mia. She should be filthy by now. I think she was helping to re-spray a car."

Alice nodded at his retreating back.

*****

Alice looked through the car window at the beautiful morning before her. She had woken up hoping that it would be an absolutely foul day or that she would have a sudden and terrible bout of flu and she wouldn't have to go to church with Carson and Mia.  However here she was—hale and hearty. The day was mocking her with its clear, blue, cloudless skies and gentle breeze—perfect beach day or church day. Church would be packed, and to top it all off, it was Communion Day.

Alice only realized that after Mia came out in her white dress, shoes and ribbons. Women wore white for communion service at Cedar Hill Church. She had put on red. Maybe she was subconsciously being the scarlet woman.

Carson kept glancing at her and patting her leg reassuringly, but she was not buying it. There was no reassurance here. She was walking into the lion's den.

When Carson parked in the parking lot, which seemed to have been extended, she glanced at the church—its cut stone exterior and its colorful glass windows. The big red oval door was opened wide. Alice extended her gaze to the church hall and the pastors’ offices, the place of her defilement and then swung her eyes back to the church.

Carson was sitting silently in the car beside her. "I don't want you to be late for Sabbath school, Mia," he said, looking back at Mia.

Mia opened the door and got out of the car. "See you later," she said to Alice happily.

Alice nodded mutely and watched as she walked rapidly toward the back of the church, where the children’s division was.

"Cedar Hill Church," Alice said softly. "The church with the red door."

"Lovely place," Carson said, "with lovely people. You won't feel uncomfortable here."

"How can you say that?" Alice asked, "I hate this place, and these people are so judgmental."

"You hated what happened to you at this place by a very sick man," Carson said, holding her hands. "He is no longer here. The people here know that you were away for ten years. They will have questions because naturally we are curious people. You don't have to answer them."

Alice sighed and reluctantly got out of the car with Carson.

When they headed up the walkway, Carson had his hand in the small of her back; it gave her some assurance. An usher greeted them at the door. On hearing that she was Carson's wife, he actually hugged her warmly.

Not bad so far.
She thought. When they stood at the entrance of the church, Alice was expecting a sea of condemning eyes, but all she got were polite nods and smiles when they passed by.

She breathed a sigh of relief when she sat down beside Carson in the middle of a pew beside Ian and Ruby. Inside of the church looked the same. There were fresh cut flower bouquets at the top of the podium that added a splash of color to the white decor. The service was surprisingly soothing. She had expected to be thinking about the past, seeing old curious faces and being the center of censorious attention.

The main prayer was heartfelt and it had shades of the Serenity Prayer:
Help us Lord to accept the things that we cannot change, courage to change the things we can, and your wisdom to know the difference. Help us not to continue living in the past but to reconcile with those who have hurt us so that we can move forward with You in peace.

It was such a good prayer that Alice was reluctant to get off her knees. She had felt it. She needed the serenity. She had come to Jamaica to find it, and here at this place, the unexpected was happening. She felt herself letting go.

Dinner at the James' was actually fun. They were very warm and they all went out of their way to make Alice feel welcome. Apparently, they had also invited the other band members. They were all there, except for Logan and Melody, who had gone to a different church.

Somehow, having the band members there made Alice feel even more at home. The adults went to the back porch after eating. Mia and her friend, Sancia, were watching a children's program on television.

"It was lovely having you at church today, Alice," Bobby said, "I hope Cedar Hill will be your church home."

"I er..." Alice looked at Carson first and then swallowed, "I am leaving in four days."

"So when will you be back?" Ian asked. He was looking out at the view but he snapped his head around quickly.

"I don't know," she said faintly.

All of them were looking at her now, except Carson. He had heard it all before and she figured he was resigned to her leaving.

"Why did you leave in the first place?" Jayce asked. Alice knew that he would be the one to ask the question that was on the forefront of all their minds.

She sighed. Maybe she owed them some sort of explanation. They had stepped in and each in their own way had helped Carson with Mia. They were a very tight-knit group. Carson had not breathed a word to them about what happened to her after all these years. She was sure that it was a burden for him to keep it from his friends.

"I was raped…" she said simply, "by Pastor Keen when I worked for him in the church office. Mia was the result. I never got the chance to really deal with the rape, much less having a baby for my rapist, so I left. I resented Mia and I couldn't turn on the motherly feelings of love everybody expected me to have."

You could hear a pin drop when she said it.

Ruby had her hand over heart. Her mouth was wide open and Alice knew she had no idea that it was.

Jayce was the first one to speak. "You mean Mia is not Carson's..."

"She is," Carson said, a warning tone in his voice.

Bobby was so agitated that he had gotten up. "Pastor Keen? Our Pastor Keen?"

Tears were in Ruby's eyes. "I am so sorry, Alice. I take back every bad thing I have ever thought or said about you."

Alice chuckled. "Thank you, I guess."

"Now, I understand," Aaron said in relief. "I just didn't get why you even considered suicide that time when you were pregnant."

They all had a lot to digest. Everyone was silent for a while.

"Are you ever going to tell Mia?" Jayce asked after a while.

"Not until she is an adult," Carson said sternly, "and neither should any of you."

"You don't need to tell us that." Aaron looked pained. "What do you take us for, insensitive dimwits?"

"That's exactly why he didn't tell us," Ian said grumpily. "He didn't trust us."

"It was Alice's story to tell." Carson shrugged.

Ian was about to argue but he was silenced by a fierce look from Ruby.

They left soon after that. When Alice was about to get into the car, she got hugs from everybody including a teary Ruby who clung to her. "I wish you wouldn't go."

"You mean stay here at Pastor Bob's place?" Alice asked, deliberately misunderstanding Ruby.

Ruby chuckled. "I mean stay here with us, in Jamaica. I would love if we were friends."

Alice squeezed Ruby's hands. She didn't have anything to say. Besides, Mia was looking at them from the back seat.

Chapter Nineteen

Thursday came with the stealth of a thief. Alice had barely slept a wink the night before. She was thinking about leaving. Carson had not made it any easier on her because he had not slept either. He had tossed and turned and was generally restless. At times, he clutched her so hard that she knew she had bruises to show for it but she did not have the heart to wrestle herself from his tight grip.

She got up and sat on the balcony outside the room. The sun had not risen yet. Her flight was at ten, so she had five hours before she had to say goodbye to Mia and Carson.

Was she up to it though? She put her feet on the balcony railing and wriggled her toes. She needed a pedicure. That would be the first thing that she would do when she got off the plane. She would go to Sonia's and get a pedicure and then she would pick up Candy from Marsha's and reacquaint herself with her cat.

After that, she would go to Joss' Cafe around the corner from where she lived and buy some scones. He had the best-melt-in-your-mouth butter scones. She would then visit the shop, even though it would be night, and stand in the store and savor the satisfaction of knowing that she had built it into a viable venture with her own sweat and tears.

And then what?

Then life would go on as it had before—lonely and meaningless. Each day would feel as if she was walking in molasses because her heart was here in Jamaica.

She got up from her chair and almost walked into Carson. He had been standing behind her but she had not noticed.

He did not say a word to her. He just picked her up effortlessly and carried her to bed. They made love slowly with a hint of desperation that had them both crying when it was over.

"What time is your flight?" Carson asked hoarsely.

"Ten." Alice responded. She had her head buried in his neck and she could scarcely breathe but she did not want to move. She wished she could stay there forever.

"I have something for you." Carson got up and took out a square shaped box. It was wrapped in burgundy with a little bow on the top. Alice took it from him and was about to open it.

"No," Carson said huskily, "only open it when you decide to come back home permanently." He kissed her softly. "Don't wait for ten more years, Alice."

He headed for the shower and closed the bathroom door. He wanted to be alone. She was still holding the box with a far away look on her face when he came out of the shower.