Going Nowhere (26 page)

I
’ve learned over the last few weeks that I am stronger than I think, and I can live without Jase. That I can be this Marisol on my own.

We still haven’t talked.

Emily hasn’t mentioned him to me and for that I’m thankful. My new boss, Frank, is hilarious. After my meeting with him we sat around and talked for a while, he was an easy guy to be around and I could see why Em liked him so much.

Not to say he d
oesn’t bust my proverbial balls when he needs to. After busting my ass on the first draft of my article, I was pretty proud to show him. Imagine my surprise when he threw it back at me demanding the real article. Confusion would be too tame of a word to describe what I felt in that moment. He told me that no one gets away with perfection on the first try. Perfection is something we strive for, getting closer with every attempt, while never actually achieving.

So I went back and wrote again, stripping away the fine touches and cliché little anecdotes I added to make what I was writing sound smart and hip. Instead I was brutally honest.

I bled my soul on paper.

Frank’s response was “better.” Emily said never to expect a pat on the head from Frank; he believes he has no business congratulating us. If we need his approval then we should go back and rewrite something that we
know
is fucking fantastic.

I’m starting to think Frank is a short, fat Italian Buddha.

“How’s the next one coming?” Emily asks from across me. We were at “our” table at the Starbucks we first met at. Call me a sap, but being near Shenanigan’s makes me feel closer to Jase even though I haven’t been able to bring myself to go inside.

“It’s going.” I said, keeping my eyes on the blinking cursor. Emily turns my computer towards her
, sees that I’ve written nothing and huffs at me.

“Why is this document blank, Mari?” She asks. I shrug, keeping my eyes on my coffee. She grabs my coffee forcing my eyes on hers.

“What do you want, Em?” I sigh, beyond tired.

“When are you going to talk to him?” She asks. I hear a screeching laugh and look over to where Mikey is giggling with another little boy, coloring on some painted chalkboard on the wall.

“I’m not the one avoiding.” I said quietly, still watching Mikey. God, sometimes it hurts to look at him. Other times it’s like I can’t look away. My eyes burn and I blink them, trying to fight the emotion.

“Mari
-” She begins again.

I can’t talk about this in public.

I hold up my hand, stopping her and call out to Mikey. He comes running over to us and throws himself into my arms. Snuggling him to me, I turn to Emily. She looks at me with a sad smile.

“Come on, let’s go back to your house. I can’t talk about this here.”

We climb into her car and as we pull away I stare at Shenanigan’s.

A
fter Mikey went to bed, I’m curled up with Em watching
The Office.
I snuggle deeper inside Jason’s hoodie and catch a whiff of his scent. God, I’m pathetic.

“Ok, I think it’s time for the grand gesture.” She said.

I pull back, sniffling and rubbing my tears and snot on Jason’s hoodie. Emily eyed me with disgust. I haven’t washed it and probably still wouldn’t as long as it smelled like him. What a freak.

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“Come on! Are you really that lame of a romantic? The grand gesture! It’s in every romance book and movie. When you do something big to show the other person you love them and you’re sorry!”

“Why do I have to do the grand gesture? Why can’t he?” I bitched. Yes, I was annoying myself too.

“Ugh! Stop. You’re doing it and I’m going to help you. Think of it this way. If you’re the one doing the grand gesture then you can hold it over his head forever.” She leered.

“You are fucked up.” I state
matter of fact.

“Yes, this I know.” She agreed and then was quiet, letting me think this through.

I missed him and I was ready to fight for us. Although not hearing from him in two weeks made me a little nervous at how he would receive it. “How do I know he even still wants to work things out with me?”

“You’re kidding right?” She asked skeptically. I shook my head. “Mari, he calls me everyday for updates on you. I literally have to spend hours on the phone talking to him about you and listening to him talk about you. He is pathetic. It’s like you stole his balls or something.” I snorted out a laugh, but felt a lot better.

“Ok.” I said.

“Ok?” She asked questionably.

“Yes, ok, I’ll do it. The grand gesture.” I smiled. Emily whooped and pounced on me. “Ow!” I yelped when her knee made contact with my bladder.

“Ok! She said ok! The grand gesture!” She yelled. And of course this woke up Mikey, who came shuffling into the living room in his Spiderman pajamas and slippers.

He took one look at his mom tackling me and said, “What are you guys doing?”

“The grand gesture, son! She said ok!” Emily crowed, running over to pick up Mikey and swing him around. He squealed.

“What’s a grand gesture?” He asked, still laughing at his mom’s antics.

“It’s going to get Uncle Jason back!” She squealed and then Mikey was whooping about grand gestures. I sat on the couch laughing at them both. I felt better than I had in weeks. They fell on the floor, gasping for breath and then Emily looked over at me. “Jason’s coming home party is the day after tomorrow. We gotta plan.” I nodded, scared, but willing to do whatever it takes. I’m done running.

It was time to fight.

With help from Declan the plan was to basically crash his party at Shenanigan’s. Was I scared? Um, yes. Yes, I was.

I picked a song that said everything I wanted to and everything I couldn’t. It summed up our entire journey that began in this bar. Declan and the guys learned the song in record time, and I was so fucking thankful for them.

I dressed in the exact same outfit I wore the day we met, Emily’s suggestion.
This took some convincing on her part, I really didn’t want the first time he saw me in over a month to be in ratty sweats. According to her, he fell in love with me like this so what did I care? She also worked out a picture slideshow of our months together with the help of Declan again. They hacked Jason’s computer and got all the pictures from there and I gave them the one’s I had. It was going to be epically cheesy, but Emily said that’s what a grand gesture was. I was out voted so I let her handle everything.

Now I was hiding backstage at Shenanigan’s while the Blake was introducing “a dear friend who wants to share something with someone special.” I felt like I was going to vomit everywhere, Exorcist style. Then it was my cue and I walked out on stage and everyone stopped talking. I almost wet myself having everyone’s undivided attention. The only saving grace was that the lights were so bright I couldn’t really see anything.

Squinting I put a hand over my eyes until I spotted Emily who gave me a thumbs up and pointed. Following the direction she was pointing in I locked on eyes on a pair of green one’s I missed desperately. He looked terrible, which made me both happy and sad. 

He was
also supremely surprised considering the size of his eyes at the moment. I gave him a small smile and shrugged. He began to shove his way to the front, but Emily grabbed his arm and whispered something in his ear. Whatever she said stopped him and he closed his eyes taking a deep breath before opening up those peepers I loved so much and smiled back at me. To say that I didn’t have a handle on my emotions was putting it lightly. Clearing my throat I looked over at Declan who gave me a thumbs up. I walked up to the microphone and opened my mouth.

“When I first came into this bar it was out of fear. I was running from the inevitable. Something that seems to be a habit of mine.” I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, trying to control my voice. “It was in this bar that I met my best friend
, who I came to love more than anything. I don’t know if you’ll ever realize how much you helped me. I was lost. I didn’t know who I was and I certainly didn’t know if I was someone that not only
you
could love, but someone I could love.

But you proved me wrong time and again and eventually I stopped running and gave into you. I was helpless against
you. You made me feel like I was who I was supposed to be when I was with you. You taught me that it was ok to be scared and that feelings weren’t something to hoard to yourself. Making yourself vulnerable to someone wasn’t weak, but the bravest thing anyone can do.” I took another slow breath, trying to strengthen my shaky voice.

“Any
way I guess what I’m trying to say is that, I’m ready to fight for myself. I’m ready to fight for you, if you’re willing to fight with me. I’m stupid in love with you, Bartender.” I whispered this last part and couldn’t help the couple tears that fell from my eyes.

I turned and nodded to Trent who slapped out the countdown on his drumsticks
, then opened my mouth and sang to him. I chose to sing
Arms
by Christina Perri. Girl had a way with words that just seemed to reflect everything I’ve ever felt. I hope Jason was listening to the lyrics. I kept my eyes on him the whole time.

His expression didn’t give anything away, but all you had to do was look into his eyes to see what he was feeling. Love and acceptance
were blazing back at me and I couldn’t stop smiling.

Emily was crying hysterically next to him and I tried not to laugh at her. When the song was over, the guys gave me a huge group hug and Declan
whispered, “Go get him,” and gave me a slap on the ass.

I punched his shoulder as I made my way off stage. All his friends were there and smiling at me. They parted for me as I weaved my way over to him. He was still standing there staring at me. Emily was still standing next to him sobbing
uncontrollably. And Mikey, my Little Man, was standing next to his uncle picking his nose. The love I had for the Scott family was incredible; I only hoped they would have me. The minute I was in touching distance, Jason grabbed me into such a tight hug that I couldn’t breathe, but I didn’t care.

It felt too good to be back in his arms.

Leaning back he took my mouth in a desperate kiss. Finally, after realizing where we were he leaned back and rested his forehead against mine.

“I can’t do that ever again, Crazy. Never again.” He sighed against me.

“Me neither.” I whispered back.

“I’m so fucking sorry. So sorry. I’m such a coward when it comes to you, baby. I kept things from you because I was scared that if I
said anything, you would leave me, but in the end keeping things from you is what drove you away. I’m so sorry.” He repeated. I reached up and put my hands on either side of his face and forced his head up to look at me.

“Stop. It’s my fault to
o. I know we’re both going to continue to fuck up, but I’m willing to fight for us if you are.”

“Baby, I’m coming out swinging.” He breathed
, eyes bright with emotion.

“Good.” I kissed him again, sinking back into his arms. “I love you, Bartender.”