Going Nowhere (2 page)

The first day I managed to convince myself this was a vacation. That it was temporary. And I know that it
is
temporary, but now, on day five, it feels pretty damn permanent.

And isolating. And hopeless.

Most of all it feels overwhelming. So much so that while sitting in my parents guest room-I’m not allowed to change anything which at the same time perpetuates the whole “this is a vacation,” but also is horribly not comforting-watching Zombieland, I find myself wishing for a zombie apocalypse. At least then, a job would be the last thing on my mind or really anyone’s mind so...bonus.

The isolation, I think, is what is going to crack me first. Maybe I’m being dramatic, but I feel like I’m on an island. Not voluntarily here either. The horrible Captain Suckass Economy on the ship Recession has marooned me here.

All I know is that I’ve spent the last two hours locked in the “Guest Room”, searching for jobs. Looking anywhere but here. Surprisingly, that includes Wyoming, Iowa, and the Dakota twins. Most of them include some form of correctional position, which obviously speaks highly of the opportunities there. I suppose boredom wouldn’t be so bad if both my parents didn’t work full time jobs.

I’ve been avoiding the bar I went to, mostly out of fear. I didn’t want to see that bartender man again.
Thankfully, my phone rang interrupting my thoughts.

I saw my sister’s name flashing on the screen and answered, “Hi.”

“Hellooooooo! How’s it going?” She sounded way too chipper. I’ve never been more aware of other people’s happiness than I am now.

“How do you think?” I mumbled, shoving my computer away from me and flopping down on my back.

“Stop! It is not that bad!” She said laughing.

“Yes it is.”

“Mari, so many people have to move home after graduating. You aren’t the only one.” I rolled my eyes at this.

“I realize that, doesn’t make it any easier.”

“I know. I know this is really hard for you. You’ve always been so independent and you’ve worked so hard. And I know that you’re thinking you’re a failure, but you’re not.” I let the tears that I’ve been holding for the past two weeks come.

“I feel all of those things. I just miss my old life. I miss my friends and my city. I even miss school. I’m looking for jobs everyday and it’s so freaking hard because I don’t know what I’m qualified for. All I have is retail experience and a paper that says I’m better than working in a fast food chain, but I have to be honest, am I really? It’s just so hard. They don’t prepare you for this. I knew it was going to be difficult, but moving home has isolated me from all my friends. I have no escape and no one to talk to. It just sucks so bad.”

“Mari, you’ll make new friends…” She began but stopped when I let out a frustrated growl.

Even though I miss
ed my friends, I didn’t answer any of their phone calls. All they offered was great news from their lives which, and I know this makes me a terrible person, only makes me begrudge them. Or worse, they try to spoon-feed me this “it gets better speech” that my sister was currently shoveling down my throat.

“Kayla, I appreciate the understanding and the ear, but I just can’t talk about it anymore. “

“Ok, well I’m here if you need to talk. I’ve got class all day Monday and Wednesday, but any other time I’ll have my phone if you need me.”

“Thanks Kayla, I’ll talk to you later.”

“Later!”

I hit “end” on my phone and stared at my reflection on the glassy screen. “Ugh!!” I slammed my phone back down on the nautical themed bedspread and stared up at the popcorn ceiling. Why is it called popcorn anyways, looks nothing like popcorn, none that I’ve seen.

Stop it, Marisol!

I could feel the frustration filling me up like a well. I kicked my legs up and down on the bed to try and get rid of the energy. Is this really the highlight of my day?

I looked over at the clock sitting on the nightstand. It wasn’t even noon yet! I’ve put it off long enough. If I wanted to go any kind of place that was beyond the five-mile radius that I’ve confined myself, I had to go get my license. The last thing I needed was a ticket, which I couldn’t afford. I looked at the clock once more. There was no way that the bartender I met was there. Way too early.

I jumped out of bed and got dressed, well my kind of dressed. I haven’t been able to bring myself to put on anything other than sweatpants and an oversized t-shirt in days. I brushed my teeth, trying to avoid the mirror. I could literally feel the weight adding up on my stomach, hips and thighs.

Well at least I have a reason to leave the house. Disgusted with my life and myself in general, I throw my toothbrush at my reflection, spraying toothpaste water all over the mirror. I grabbed a towel and wiped it down because I did not want to hear my mother freaking out over that. Flicking off the traitorous light, I head outside to my car.

The trip to the bar was quick, one song quick. The parking lot was pretty empty as I headed into the bar, which now that I’m not in a daze of anxiety and resignation, was called Shenanigan’s. Walking in I saw that it was empty except for a waitress sitting in one of the booths, texting on her phone. I made my way over to her, cringing at the annoying clack-clack my flip-flops made. 

“Hi!” I squeaked out, immediately clearing my throat so I didn’t sound like a twelve year old. She didn’t look up from her phone when she answered me.

“Can I help you?” She asked, popping her gum.

I was getting a little ticked off because as far as she knew I could be a very important person wanting to spend a ton of money. Granted maybe they didn’t have many people in here around noon wanting to get loaded, but hey the world gets more depressing every day so who knows?

I glared at her peroxided head, refusing to answer until she looked at me. Finally as if sensing my glare, and maybe she could because I turned it on high, she finally deigned to look up and immediately widened her eyes. Yeah, I realize I look like a bag lady
from Home Alone. I took a deep breath and tried not to let my bad attitude translate into speech.

“Yeah, hi, I was in here a little while ago and I forgot my license, I was wondering if maybe you still had it?”

She huffed and got out of the booth, I followed her to the bar.  She pulled out a plastic bin and I noticed there were quite a few people’s licenses in there. She tossed the bin at me and immediately went back to texting on her phone.

What customer service
, I snorted.

I pulled it closer to me, trying to ignore how insecure I was feeling. There really is nothing worse than looking a hot mess and having to interact with someone who is better looking then you. I then immediately got pissed at myself, who gives a flying bird shit Marisol?! Get your license and get out of here.

I was flipping through them when I heard the kitchen door open. Texting waitress immediately stood up and I saw the universal move that announced a good-looking male was in the room. Out of the corner of my eye I saw her suck in her stomach, roll her shoulders back so the ladies stood at attention, and the subtle sticking out of the butt.

I rolled my eyes and continued to flip through licenses. Seriously?! How many people leave their license? Maybe Shenanigan’s is running an identity theft ring where they steal people’s licenses. I snorted. Ridiculous.

“Seems your mood improved since the last time you were here.” Holy hell that voice: deep, sexy, I’m-probably-amazing-at-phone-sex voice and froze. I recognized that voice.

I don’t even think I breathed. Goddammit! I yelled at myself, would it have killed you to at least wash your face today Mari? How about putting on a damn bra?! I blew out a breath and looked up at him.

“Hello, Bartender” I murmured. Damn he was hot. How had I not noticed this before? I mean, yeah, his hands were sexy. All long fingered and capable, but how in the world could I have not seen his beautiful face.

Bright green eyes stared at me, crinkled in amusement so I could see those damn adorable laugh lines, under black eyebrows. His black hair was a little on the longish side, but styled so it didn’t make him look like a bum. He was tall, at least a
couple inches over six feet, and broad shouldered. Currently he was leaning against the wall with his much admired hands tucked into his front pockets smirking at me. I stared as he unleashed his model pose on me. Would wonders never cease? I was never going outside again looking like this.

“Hello, Crazy Customer.” I amused him, I could tell. I’m not crazy, jerk wad. I’m having a crisis. Where the hell was my stupid license? “I didn’t think I’d see you again.” He continued and I could literally feel texting waitress glaring at me.

“Yes I’m sure that kept you awake at night. Where or where did that psychotic, over-sharer go?” I mumbled. I swear if I didn’t find- “Hey!” I yelled as he grabbed the bin of identities away from me. “Give that back, turd!”

He froze for a second, completely not expecting me to yell or call him a turd I guess. Then he burst out laughing. Laughing so hard he bent forward grabbing his stomach and tipping over the bin with all my preciouses falling on the floor. I felt a little like Gollum in that moment.

“Ugh now look what you did, this is going to take forever!” I crossed my arms petulantly. I knew that I was living up to my given moniker by him, but I couldn’t help it, he brought this out of me. He wiped his eyes and sucked in a deep breath.

“You’re not going to find your license in there.”

“Oh really? And why is that?” I glared. One side of his mouth kicked up and he reached into his back pocket, pulling out his wallet. My eyes widened and I sucked in a breath. “It’s in your wallet?”

“Yep.” He smiled as he pulled it out and showed me.

“Why?”

“Because I wanted to make sure that I was the one to give it to you?” He smiled again, this time a little bit of a blush tinged his cheeks. Goddammit, he was adorable.

“Are you for real?” I was shocked.

I mean hello, look at me, and I don’t mean just physically, I mean in every aspect of my life I was a mess. He just laughed again and nodded.

“Listen I don’t know what you are expecting, but as you have correctly noticed, I am a bit crazy right now and while I’m sure that this is probably the most flattering thing to ever happen to me and you’re probably crazy for doing it, I really don’t want anything else complicating my life right now.” I looked over at the waitress chick that was looking at me like she would like nothing more than to kick my ass. I turned back to Bartender who was looking at me a little shocked. “Sorry.” I mumbled.

I felt horrible: one because he looked like I grew another head and two because he hasn’t confirmed or denied what I said. Way to jump to conclusions, Mari, you can go die now. “I’ll just go.” And practically ran out of the car. Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit I chanted as I frantically searched for my keys.

I had just unlocked my car when I heard him yell my name. I froze, my heart beating out of my chest. I glared up at the sky, expressing my displeasure with the game the Big Guy was playing with my life and turned around.

“Marisol! Wait up!” He called jogging up to me, coming to a stop really close to me. Backing up a little, I bumped into my car.

“Listen, I’m sorry I jumped to conclusions. Can I just get my license and go die somewhere alone?” I said miserably, avoiding eye contact.

“Stop for a second. I wasn’t trying to ask you out.” And then he laughed and I swear I died a thousand deaths. Of course Marisol, of course he wasn’t asking you out, I mean look at him!

“Whoa wait, I can actually read that thought process on your face. That’s not it at all, I mean you’re very, you know, you’re-“ He stuttered at me. I held up a hand to stop the pity compliment.

“What do you want, Bartender?” I barked, staring him down now. Anger does wonders for nerves.

“My name’s Jason.” He practically growled at me. A stupid, sexy, frustrated growl that made my lower half tighten. I sigh and waved a hand, telling him to continue.

“I know this is going to be sound weird and presumptuous, but my sister needs someone to help out with my nephew during the week. She has to start traveling for her job and his dad’s out of the picture. I would help, but I work full time and even though I help out while I can, it’s not enough. I can’t be there all the time.”