Going Back (19 page)

Being accompanied by partners is something to consider as well. Garry Adams has seen groups with and without and he believes it is up to the veteran and their partner to decide, but he made this observation:

Partners can be a big help in coming back to Viet Nam for some of the fellows, especially the ones who are a bit wobbly about things. Their partners generally tend to stabilise them. But then again you can get occasions, which I have seen, where the partners can be absolutely destructive. The boys want to go out and have a drink in a bar, or have a wander around with their mates and they are more or less shackled into their hotel rooms and not allowed to go. I have heard more than one or two decent old shouting matches in the corridors of hotels just purely because of that. So it can be double-edged, but I would say that 85 per cent of the partners who come back here are excellent, and then you get the other 15 per cent that should never have come. They should have just let them [their partners] come on their own. And if they come they should just shut up and let the fellers go to places like Long Tan and Nui Dat and enjoy themselves; just touch base there rather than [say], ‘Aw, what are we doing here? How long are we going to be here? Where are the toilets? What did we come to this place for?'
³⁸

Women will also need to accept rudimentary conditions and toilets, but Gail Campling, who accompanied her husband Steve on a pilgrimage in 2002, offered this insight on the benefits of travelling with partners:

It was a wonderful experience for me as I appreciated more what our troops went through. I would recommend partners go as well, but I could understand some veterans would find it even more confronting with their partners present. They may not want their partners to see them distressed or disturbed. I am sure Steve appreciated me being there, mainly to hear and see first-hand some of what he experienced. I don't think he could possibly relate to me the emotions and experiences had I decided not to go. Going with the veteran provides love and support as well when they are confronted with their ‘ghosts'; someone to lean on that isn't as affected (in the same way) as those around them [other vets].
³⁹

The mateship experienced on the 2005 trip by the 5 RAR group was a special element that all the men commented on. As Paul Greenhalgh remarked, ‘What a wonderful group we had. I mean, it was just magic. I didn't really know what to expect from them all. But we had no show ponies, no loud people. It just worked smoothly.'
⁴⁰

Garry Adams points out that the 5 RAR group were also fortunate in that their area at Nui Dat is accessible, and this made for smooth sailing:

They have seen what they want to see and we are probably lucky in some ways that the 5 RAR area is easy to get into and probably easier than some of the others. We couldn't go back to 8 RAR's area in Nui Dat or 3 RAR's area because it is just off limits [
D 445 Battalion
military garrison]. And the areas that the first tour fought in or served in were all reasonably close in to the Task Force base and so in that sense it was easier for them to get around and have a look at things.
⁴¹

However, it won't all be plain sailing. There will be times during a visit when the locals can get to you, especially the hawkers and beggars who push themselves upon Westerners. Regardless of season, weather or terrain they will hound, harass and follow the tourist to the ends of the earth. They will even follow your tourist bus from one site to another, waving their products at you as they drive along. The best strategy is to just grin and bear it and give a polite ‘no thank you' (preferably in Vietnamese), and never enter into argument about price or other purchases you may have made—you will lose every time! Hawkers and beggars are right in your personal space from the moment you step out onto the footpath in any major town in Viet Nam, but it is part and parcel of touring in much of Asia. To stop and buy or simply haggle is akin to opening a jar of honey on a picnic; you will be hit with a swarm of T-shirt sellers, dodgy watch purveyors and the occasional pick-pocket. So buyer beware.

Veteran Derrill De Heer has returned to Viet Nam several times, and would enthusiastically urge other veterans to consider making the return visit. However, he would encourage them to read up on the country beforehand, and ‘make an effort to understand the culture, religions, history. It's rich and it's great.'
⁴²

As a final word, he added:

But before you do, decide what you are going back for. You will not find the past. The population of the country is 80 million. There have been 40 million born since the war ended, and their young are not interested in their history, so don't expect them to be interested in you. Go to enjoy, don't go and be sorry for the past, move on, make it a positive experience for yourself.
⁴³

The trick cyclist's (psychologist's) view

Robyn Nolan is married to Viet Nam veteran and author Peter Nolan,
⁴⁴
whose brother also served in South Viet Nam with the SAS. Robyn holds a Masters degree in clinical psychology, and began working with veterans in 1981 when she was doing her internship at the Veterans' Administration Hospital in Washington, DC. At that time veterans were quite young, and research was only just beginning on the subject of PTSD. Robyn dealt with Australian Viet Nam veterans from 1989 until she retired in 2005, and as a guesstimate has seen and worked with several hundred veterans during that time.

I asked Robyn for her professional perspective on the possible reactions the veteran may experience on returning to Viet Nam, and she offered these observations.

Well, when anyone goes back to a place that was important to them at any time, they have all sorts of reactions, from very enjoyable reactions—nostalgia and remembering the good times—but as well as that, remembering the bad times perhaps, that they might have had there. So it will just trigger memories and it depends on each veteran and each veteran's experiences in Viet Nam as to how they will react to the situation.

A lot of veterans have reported to me that they have found it a very healing experience, although they became distressed. Most said that they
did
become distressed at some point during their visit. Some felt annoyed at the way that the current Vietnamese talk about the war: in terms of them winning the war and the Americans and Australians losing the war. Although the veterans say they understand that, but at times, if they had been involved in a battle where friends were lost, then they found that very difficult. But others felt compassion towards the Vietnamese and in fact I know that some have actually taken on projects in Viet Nam to assist the Vietnamese. Others say they are surprised that Viet Nam has recovered from the war; many are surprised that there is very little left of where they might have been and that they have actually had trouble finding those places. They have looked for places of which they had memories.

I think there has been a healing process for some in that they have [previously] avoided dealing with or thinking about Viet Nam. Others have dealt with it in a superficial way by mostly thinking about the good times, I guess, and trying not to think about anything that was difficult for them. To them, Viet Nam is as it was then, and when they return, actually confronting the reality of the situation as it is now, I think that changes them. And it also makes them recognise the reality of where they are now and how far they have journeyed.
⁴⁵

On a visit back to Viet Nam in 2002, I was arrested along with tour leader Garry Adams and 3 RAR (second tour) veteran Bob McDonnell, and incarcerated in a holding room in the police station just south of where the battles of Coral and Balmoral were fought. This was somewhat ironic, as Garry Adams was visiting the spot to assist the local People's District Committee to locate a mass grave at the Fire Support Base Coral battle site. It was an administrative mix-up in permits for sensitive sites, but the local police officer was adamant in holding us miscreants for an afternoon, and out of mobile telephone range of Ho Chi Minh City. Eventually, just before dusk, the problem was sorted out and we returned safely to Saigon. However, upon returning to Australia I suffered horrific nightmares for fourteen days and was concerned that one might become reality, so I sought medical help. After being referred to the Vietnam Veterans Counselling Service I was referred to a psychiatrist who diagnosed PTSD, and then referred to Robyn for counselling. Consequently I have come to realise what impact events can have on veterans and how they can be treated.

For the benefit of other veterans, I asked Robyn what type of counselling and preventive measures they could undertake to make their journey less traumatic. She replied:

Of course there are lots of veterans who had problems almost immediately after returning from Viet Nam, for reasons that we know about. The Viet Nam War being a war that wasn't accepted by a lot of Australians made it different. So there were those difficulties. But for a lot of those veterans who haven't let themselves think about what happened, [returning to Viet Nam has] probably brought back a lot of those memories and they have been in a situation where they can confront the memories, and as I said before, accept the reality of how long ago it was and how the [Vietnamese] people have recovered.
⁴⁶

Because we are all different in our psychological makeup, it therefore follows that we all have different reactions to various stressors in our lives. Robyn Nolan tackled this issue when asked to describe how we would expect to react:

We
are
different, but similar as well. People have lots of different experiences in Viet Nam to begin with. We know from the research that just being involved in any war is traumatic for everybody. Having to kill people: that is something that you had to be trained to do, because that is not something that we normally do, and [today] there is a lot of research that looks at those sorts of issues and tries to prepare people for those kinds of things. In the Viet Nam era, there was none of that, and people were sent to Viet Nam. Some people were highly trained people who had been in the military for quite some time and were expecting what they were going to run into. Others, as you know, were called up and given a lesser amount of training and sent to Viet Nam.
⁴⁷

Many National Servicemen that I've spoken to weren't aware that they could have avoided going to South Viet Nam if they wanted to. But they believe the main reason they went was because their group—the group that they were called up with and trained with—were going, and they didn't
not
want to go with them; probably an extreme example of peer pressure in a macho environment. Robyn Nolan agreed, but added: ‘Yes, but what tended to be more the experience that I confronted was that it was more a case of not wanting to be
excluded.
'
⁴⁸

Robyn outlined other reasons veterans can experience a whole range of reactions on returning to Viet Nam.

Everybody had a different role; I guess if you were in a battalion everybody had similar roles and different experiences. They came into the Army with different backgrounds, and we know that people whose backgrounds were very difficult for them—perhaps they had problem childhoods, and I certainly saw people who did have that—then they probably had less opportunity to get away from those sorts of situations. They wouldn't have had that support that other people might have had. Having said that though, we do know from the research that post traumatic stress disorder can strike anybody, and it doesn't matter who you are, basically. It has a lot to do with your experiences and how you were supported during and after the event. It is a very complicated matter and not everybody who went to Viet Nam has post traumatic stress disorder anyway.
⁴⁹

Robyn's observations hit the nail on the head, and also address what seems to be a public perception that because a veteran served in South Viet Nam, they are automatically— and as colourfully described by one American Army psychologist I met in California in 1987—‘fucked in the haid'. The Appendix discusses PTSD in detail and is designed to give the veteran a brief and uncomplicated look at what the disorder is and how to deal with the problem.

Robyn expanded a little on PTSD:

Many veterans probably have elements of post traumatic experience, but not necessarily the full-blown disorder. Many don't even know that they have got the disorder. They just accept that they get the memories, flashbacks, nightmares, and problem times that they have had; that is just the way that it is and [they] haven't bothered to do anything about it. I have spoken to a couple of colleagues about this, and we do know that some people without any symptoms go off to Viet Nam and then return with quite bad clinical symptoms; [in these cases it can] look like they just got it [PTSD], but they didn't, they already
had
the problem but they were just not dealing with it very well.

Having said that, I don't know whether there is any research or if anyone has carried out any research on people returning from visiting a battleground, but my own experience has been that most of the veterans that I have seen have probably been in therapy anyway before they went, so they are a bit better prepared and found it a healing experience. So I guess it might have to do with how well prepared you are and who you go with.
⁵⁰

On a personal note, I did feel the need to speak with a clinical psychologist and answer some basic questions about preparing to return to Viet Nam before I actually went. I asked Robyn whether it was helpful for veterans, if they did decide to go back, to return with their spouse or partner. Her view was:

It depends on the veteran. Some veterans are very group-oriented and have maintained contact with their former mates in the Service and I think enjoy going as a group that they served with in Viet Nam and they therefore had similar experiences in Viet Nam. So it makes sense for them to go back to Viet Nam and to different places where they had served, and they could have a joint memory of what happened, and support each other.