God's Little Freak (9 page)

A little more than a year later, Kevin
is sitting at the office of the psychologist again. He thinks that they have made great progress. His pain associated with Brendan’s death is gone. He understands now that when one has depression and it spirals out of control, parts of the brain begin to shut down. One of the brain’s functions is to conserve energy. So, if one has depression, this leads one to become irrational and illogical. Therefore, subjects requiring logic like math and science will see a decline in performance. The brain then interprets this poor performance as a signal that it cannot perform logical functions and shuts science and math abilities down, because it needs to conserve energy. Eventually the brain has shut down so many functions that it erroneously comes to a conclusion that there is no point to function anymore. As a short cut taken by the brain, the idea of termination or death is the last and only remaining option. The brain doesn’t realize that in termination, it terminates itself too. Hence, depression is irrational thinking.

In short, Brendan didn’t make the choice of killing himself. His brain did so by coming to a mistaken conclusion, because it wasn’t functioning correctly anymore due to his illness. Once a person reaches a p
oint where termination appears to be the last remaining solution, there is very little even a trained psychiatrist or psychologist can do.

His other concern was that he felt he should have done something. Brendan was his friend and there were things that were shared only between the two of them.
Brendan didn’t give a warning, didn’t say a word about his plans or send a message. Kevin had no idea the problem was so serious. The psychologist told him that when people are seriously set on committing suicide, they usually don’t give anyone a warning, because then someone would try and stop them. He now knows that he was not responsible in any way. This brings peace and great comfort to Kevin.

He
now understands everything about self-esteem and that he had put too much pressure on himself to perform well and figure out how the world works. He doesn’t have any pressure from his parents to perform, so it can only come from himself.

He
is annoyed that once again he didn’t do as well as he wanted in athletics, although he won all his races except the last one. “The last one was the only one that mattered!” he said and he was frustrated that no one seemed to get it. If he had won that one, he would have gone to the South African championship, but he came second. Second place is as good as last on provincial level.

He
cooperates well and is willing to talk about everything that the psychologist asks him. Until now, he didn’t bother to bring up the sexuality issue, because that is such a small problem in reality that he doesn’t think it’s worth mentioning. The stuff that the psychologist suggested they talk about is far more important.

Today the psychologist has an important session. She
feels that she and Kevin know each other pretty well and that there is a lot of trust and rapport between them, so she asks, “How do you feel about sexual matters?”

Kevin crosses his arms, looks away and says
, “What do you mean how do I feel about sexual matters?” The psychologist notes the two defensive behaviours in his body language and repeating the question which indicates the same.

“Have you ever kissed a girl?” she ask
s. “No,” he replies, ”but I do have a girlfriend.”

“OK
,” she says and continues to ask more questions around the same line. Eventually she says, “OK, time’s up. I’ll see you next week.”

Kevin usually feels that he has
more to discuss with her, but is pretty happy to hear that his time is up.

That weekend he i
s watching a movie at his new girlfriend’s house as they often do. Her parents like him a lot, because he is always polite and has good manners. He does well at school and other activities. They think that he is overall a well-rounded decent boy who comes from a good family.

Her name
is Karen and she does athletics with him, though she is a sprinter, not a hurdler. She is a knock-out girl and in perfect shape, long legs and a beautiful smile. All the boys like her. He knew that if she was his girlfriend, all the other girls would back off, because they knew they couldn’t compete. That’s why he went for her. He likes her because she is great company and he feels comfortable around her. She doesn’t giggle all the time like some of the other girls, which is a great plus. She is a bit more mature than the other girls. They’ve been together for almost two months.

It’s later in the year and already getting cooler and he notices
that she is sitting ever closer to him. Actually, she is already against him, but doesn’t think about it too much. He is concentrating on the movie, the Da Vinci Code. He read about Da Vinci and his art and inventions before. Da Vinci was a brilliant explorer, but a complicated man, like the movie they are watching.

All of a sudden she s
its up straight, turns around and kisses him. Kevin is shocked! He wasn’t expecting this! He didn’t think girls can get horny at all. They always blame boys for everything that happens. “How can girls get horny?” he wonders. “They don’t even have a willy!” She is kissing him very gently and the only other one he ever kissed was Michael, who was a hard kisser, full of passion. “She kisses somewhat silly,” he thinks. And it does nothing for him. With Michael it felt as if he would explode, but with Karen it is like kissing his sister, or his mother or Aunt Sally! Except, with tongue! He hates it. He thinks of all of that while she is kissing him and he tries to kiss her back, but can’t get into it – as excited - like with Michael. With Michael it felt as if a force inside him took over and went crazy, but with her this force is dead.  His willy isn’t even hard and his whole body feels nothing, except awkwardness. It’s a dreadful feeling! He doesn’t know how to pretend that he likes this. His mind is racing.

Then, while moving about
, she takes his hand and puts it on her boob. When Kevin squeezes it a bit, he is freaked out! “A chest should be hard and strong, but this is soft and squishy like flubber,” he thinks. How can anyone like this? It’s dreadful! He doesn’t know what to do next. He wants to run away, but she is getting on top of him and he can’t move. “O dear God, please help me!” he thinks! Shortly after that, his phone rings. He pushes Karen aside and jumps up to answer the phone.  It is his mother who wants to find out if she should come and get him, or whether Karen’s mother is going to bring him home. “Eh, you can come and get me right now,” he tells her. “See ya,” and he hangs up.

“I’m sorry but my mother says she is going to come and get me now, because I have
to go home immediately,” he tells Karen. “Oh damn, and we were only getting started,” she says.

“Yeah, it’s a real pity
,” he adds.

Karen continues,
“I had to do something. Usually, I have to fight guys off, but you just took too damn long and I wasn’t going to wait anymore. It’s my first time to make a move on a guy.”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m glad you did; didn’t
really know what to do,” he says.

“Have you never
kissed a girl before?” she asks.

“Eh, n
ot really,” he replies.

“Oh, that’s so sweet! I thought you’ve done that many times before. You’re very goo
d for your first time,” she says.

“Eh, yeah, thanks. You too
,” Kevin says. He was trying his best to hide his discomfort, constantly moving his arms about.

It has
never occurred to him before that she’s a really hot chick and that she probably has a lot of experience with other boys. And boys would obviously try their luck with her. “How stupid could I be?” he thinks.

So
on his mother arrives. He says good-bye to Karen and her parents. “Are you all-right? You look a bit pale,” her mother says.

Kevin i
s stuttering: “Eh, yeah, I’m fine,” he says. He looks at Karen who is smiling, so he smiles too and rushes to get into the car. He is so relieved to get the hell out of there!

“How
was the movie?” his mother asks. He has completely forgotten about the movie. “Oh, it was stupid,” he replies.

As he replays what just happened, he th
inks, “Oh, my god! I had my first kiss, with a girl that is…” He wonders if he should tell his mother or not. He is definitely not as excited as his brother was. How could Marcus enjoy something like that? He thinks about her boobs again and shivers.

That ev
ening he can’t sleep due to his traumatic ordeal. What is he going to do? If he stays with Karen, the same thing will happen again and he doesn’t want that. He can’t dump her after their first kiss, because that would be suspicious. Most of all he is thinking of Michael and how natural it felt. It was so easy and so much more enjoyable. He has a hard chest! At times he couldn’t keep his hands off of him, yet with Karen he isn’t that keen to touch her again. He wonders how Michael is doing. It has been nearly two years. “Is he happy?” he wonders.

Fo
r a brief moment, Kevin wonders why he dumped Michael and then remembers. He is in a lot of trouble. How could he become straight if he can’t stand boobs? How much has really changed for him after all his efforts? And is it worth it? Did it help his relationship with God? Certainly not. He is still praying every night asking God to change him and it feels as if God doesn’t hear him, as if he is praying to the ceiling. He doesn’t hear God’s voice anymore, that’s for sure. He only has memories of that and even that is fading. Maybe he should talk to the psychologist about the sexuality thing. She helped him with Brendan and other issues; maybe she can help with this.

That Monda
y at second break, Kevin notices that some of the girls are talking about him about the weekend with Karen. Are girls talking about this? Like boys do? He knows boys often talked about sexual stuff with girls, but thought that girls are different. They act as if they are so anti-sex. Then he remembers that women generally love to gossip, especially in Vryheid, so naturally they will gossip about everything. It occurs to him that now he has a reason to dump Karen. She presented it on a plate! Brilliant!

After rugby pra
ctice that afternoon, he goes to Karen to dump her. He tells her that he doesn’t like the fact that she would tell the whole world about their kiss over the weekend and that he thinks that they are over.

At first she defends
herself, saying that she wants to share something special like that with her friends and doesn’t see a reason for her not to tell anyone. Everyone does it.

“Well, I’m not everyone. I’m sorry but this is how I feel
,” he says.

When she starts
to cry, he feels down himself, because it wasn’t his intention, but he must have hurt her. He is a bit surprised and taken aback that she feels something for him, because he doesn’t feel the same way. Could it be so different? He likes her a lot, yes, but there is something missing and he can’t put his finger on it. He did enjoy being with Karen. In fact, there is not one thing negative he can say about her. Luckily she doesn’t cry for too long, because it made him feel uncomfortable. He leaves soon afterwards.

That evening he
tries to understand his situation. He has feelings for her otherwise he wouldn’t be interested in her. Whatever they had, did mean something and he wonders how it would be at school seeing her, when things are different. Maybe, he is changing to a straight guy after all, because his relationship with Karen does mean something to him.

On
Wednesday he goes to see his psychologist again. The atmosphere is a bit different than usual. Kevin can feel it. They start to chat about this and that, and then she asks Kevin, “Can you remember any sexual event when you were younger?”

Kevin moves around in his chair, grip
s his hands together and says, “No, none.”

She continues
, “It appears to me from what I have assessed that you may have been molested when you were a young child and with the onset of puberty and consequent sexual awakening, you are reacting to that event which is in your subconscious. This may well be the original cause of your depression.”

“But I don’t remember anything about it. I don’t think
this is true at all,” Kevin says.

“You won’t remember, because it is in your subconscious. People often suppress bad experiences in their childhood and are not aware of it o
n a conscious level,” she replies.

“This doesn’t make any sense. I can remember almost everything from kindergarten. I remember all my friends
’ names. My memory is brilliant, that’s why I do so well in history and geography. I hear or read a fact once, and I just remember it. Dates, names, anything…” Kevin explains.

“I know this is hard for you to accept, but this is what I’ve been trained for and this is my assessment. We’ll have to start working on that
,” she continues.

Kevin i
s getting highly upset about this. He raises his voice, “This is bullshit! There is nothing wrong with me or my family and I definitely wasn’t molested. How do you come up with this shit?”

The psychologist remains
perfectly calm, “I’ve observed you over more than a year now and this is evident from my point of view. The fact that you become resistant and angry is further evidence.”