God's Little Freak (8 page)

It i
s the beginning of the New Year and a new school. Kevin is fit already and excited about the new athletics season. He feels better prepared for it than ever before. He also manages to get rather excited about the new school. He is after all rid of the primary school and all the drama that happened there. Over New Year, Kevin had a couple of beers and likes it a lot! The idea of growing up appeals to him and he knows that he will make a lot of new friends in high school.

The first day of school is exciting. Everything is new and he likes the change. “Everyone seems
so much bigger,” he thinks. There are so many hot boys around, especially the older ones, but he also forces himself to look at girls. He notices that his feelings towards boys are not as strong as before, but for the girls he still feels nothing. He hopes that if he would just meet the right girl, it will change. The matrics are under the impression that they are running the school and boss everyone around. Kevin goes along with it without making a fuss. Others are a bit annoyed by it.

On the first weekend, a
thletics is fantastic! He sets up a new record for hurdles at the school event. He will continue to participate against other schools as usual. He is more hopeful to do well this year than before. All the hard work is paying off.

Schoolwork is schoolwork. It has to be done and he goes
through the motions as he did before. All the teachers are great and there aren’t any idiots like Mr Van Kerken.  Their approach is different and Kevin feels that they are treated more like adults than kids and he likes that. He sometimes wonders how Michael is doing, but quickly puts that out of his mind.

One Friday morning, Kevin wakes
up and he hears his father crying. He has never seen his father cry before and is highly upset about it. “What’s happening? Why is father crying?” he asks.

“
Opa Gunter passed away last night,” his mother says.

“Oh no!”
Kevin says and also feels the tears coming. Although he is really sad, he can’t seem to cry. He holds his father and doesn’t know what to say. His father has lost both his parents now. “Thank you,” his father says, “you must get ready for school.”

At school Kevin cannot concentrate. He loves
Opa Gunter and now he is gone. He still remembers what he told him about keeping an open mind and Kevin wonders how well he is doing that. “How would I know if I have an open mind?” he wonders. After school, he hears that the funeral will be on Wednesday. He can remember the funeral of his grandmother. She was ill for many years, so he didn’t know her that well and when she passed away most people felt that it was kind of a relief. It is completely different with his grandfather.

A few days later a
t the funeral, Kevin is walking around with a lump in his throat. He hates seeing his father and uncle so emotional, because they are actually two very strong men. “It must be the hardest thing to lose a parent,“ he thinks. He doesn’t want to lose his parents. Kevin is surprised to see Brendan and his family there. Technically, Opa Gunter is not family of Aunt Sally, but they came anyway because they knew him.

Brendan is in matric now
. Neither of them wants to talk about anything sexual. Kevin is finally on the same page with Brendan regarding the issue. Kevin notices that Brendan is a bit aloof and acts odd. He moves around slower than usual as if he is in slow motion. If Kevin asks him something, Brendan stares at him as if he looks into the distance and keeps quiet. When Kevin asks him again, Brendan doesn’t recall what he just asked him. Brendan would also begin a sentence and then speak softer and softer until he says nothing, but doesn’t complete the sentence. Kevin doesn’t think too much of it. He is glad to see Brendan again.

The funeral
is beautiful and quite festive. Although it is a sad time for everyone, the pastor has a great sermon for such a time. At the graveyard, everyone is quiet and the mood sombre. Kevin gets emotional to see the coffin go down into that hole, but doesn’t cry. He doesn’t really listen to anything the pastor says. He replays the memories of him and Opa Gunter. Seeing the coffin go into the grave is so final. His thoughts are interrupted when the brass band starts playing and six men grab a shovel and start filling up the grave. The thought of his grandfather lying down there is so unnerving as he realizes the literal meaning of six feet under. He never got what was meant by that before.

That Saturday, Kevin
goes to Dundee with the school team for athletics. He manages to maintain focus and when he runs, he thinks of nothing else. He wins the hurdle event again, but doesn’t break the record as he wanted to do. He was 0.2 seconds too slow, which maybe doesn’t sound that much, but is a massive gap. He is determined to break the record the following week at their next inter-school event.

That afternoon he
goes home with Andrew, his neighbour. When he walks into the house, he feels immediately that something is wrong. “Kevin, come here quickly, we want to talk to you,” his father says. Kevin knows something is wrong because they didn’t even ask how it went with his hurdles today. He sits down in the living room with both his parents, one on either side of him. “Kevin, there is no easy way of saying this: Brendan died last night,” his father says. “What? But he was still fine on Wednesday,” Kevin says. Immediately, there is a surge of feeling that pushes up in his body. He feels tears in his eyes, but doesn’t cry. His is short of breath and has a lump in his throat. His mother hugs him and says, “We know you two got along quite well.” Kevin holds his mother and thinks, “In a way, Brendan was probably one of my best friends and now he is gone, too.” Kevin begins to cry when he thinks about it. His chest has that heavy feeling again and he feels it pushing upwards as if it is being pushed out of his eyes and nose. Kevin wants to speak, but cannot stop crying. The floodgates are open. He calms himself down and then asks, “What happened? Was it a car accident?”

“
No, he committed suicide,” his mother says. “No, no, no, this can’t be true. Brendan is gone!” he cries. He holds his mother tight and his whole body is shaking as he is crying. After a while, he collects himself again and asks how it happened. “He hanged himself,” his father says. “Sorry, Kevin.”

“But why? This was so unnecessary. Oh Brendan!” he cries and starts sobbing all over again. “Kevin, I know this must be terribly difficult for you. I lost my father just a week ago, so please feel free to speak to me. We can help each other and work through this together,” his father says. His mother adds, “Strong people show emotion, because they are not scared of what others might think, so if you feel sad and want to cry, you should.”

After what seems like an eternity, Kevin stops crying and collects
himself and they talk about Brendan. “He was so gifted and was doing well at school - everything really. He had a great future ahead of him. It’s all so, so sad,” his mother says. His father remembers that Brendan was rather quiet and not as outgoing as any of his children. They all wonder what prompted him to take such drastic action.

“
He left a short note saying that he was sorry. He loves everyone but doesn’t feel like living anymore. Why would he do something like that?” his mother asks.

Kevin freezes up and
stares straight ahead of him. He thinks, “I know why, but I won’t say a word. I might be the only person in the world who knows his secret! I won’t say a word. If Brendan wanted people to know, he would have said something.”

The following Friday Kevin
and his parents drive to Vanderbijlpark for Brendan’s funeral. Marcus and Klara didn’t want to go to another funeral, but Kevin feels he has to go. It is the first time that he travels alone with his parents and although he likes it, he wishes the conditions were different. He thinks all the way about Brendan and what they have shared. A part of him understands Brendan’s pain. On some level he knows that if he doesn’t do anything, he will end up the same way. He wonders if Brendan ever found anyone to love before he died. If he didn’t, that’s probably the saddest of all. “At least I experienced love with Michael, but sadly that too had to come to an end. Michael is now the only one who knows about me,” Kevin thinks. Kevin didn’t speak to Michael again after their break-up.

At the funeral,
the mood is all gloomy. Aunt Sally is crying non-stop and it’s difficult for anyone to talk to her. It’s tough for Kevin to see her like that. She seems completely broken and appears as if she is not aware of anything around her. Uncle Brian isn’t crying but one can see in his eyes that he had been crying before. “No one should bury their child. I’m deeply sorry,” Kevin’s father says and hugs him. Kevin never saw his father hug another man before, but it’s appropriate. Kevin also tells them that he is sorry about it. He doesn’t know what else to say. He looks at Emily. She only stares at all the people. “How hard it must be for her! She is all alone now,” Kevin thinks.

After the church service, Kevin
is adamant that he would step forward first when they begin to close the grave. He found that with his grandfather it gave him a feeling of closure, like all is done. However, they didn’t close the grave. Kevin enquired about that and someone said that gravediggers would come later and close the grave. Kevin doesn’t like that. He has a need to close the grave, like a final farewell.  He asks his father why they didn’t close the grave like with Opa Gunter? His father says that closing the grave by family members isn’t a tradition with everyone.

On
their way back, Kevin vows to himself never to go the route that Brendan did. It was most dreadful to see his family and he will never feel the same about Aunt Sally again. He can’t do that to his own family. He would rather suck it up and suffer, than hurting his family. He thinks that if Brendan knew the consequences, he might have done something else. “How bad must things get before taking such action? He must have felt so alone,” is all that Kevin can think of. He sometimes thought it would be better for everyone if he was dead, but now he knows different. Suicide is off the table. He hopes for some changes in his life so that he won’t go the same route as Brendan.

At the end of t
he first term, Kevin’s report isn’t as impressive as usual. He has a 25% drop in Maths and 20% in science. All the other subjects are more or less the same. It concerns his parents a bit. They know it was a bit of a tough term for him and aren’t hard on him at all. In addition to that, his hopes for athletics didn’t pan out as he had planned either.

Kevin’s f
ather has difficulty accepting what has happened to Brendan. He had a sister who committed suicide and decided to do some research about it. He discovers that depression, often the cause of suicide, is an illness that is hereditary, or runs in families. His children therefore have a double chance of that, because depression appears in both his own and his wife’s family. Near the end of the holidays, he tells Kevin’s mother to take him to the doctor just to make sure.

At the
doctor, Kevin’s mother explains why they are there. Kevin is in no mood for going to the doctor. He hates doctors and hardly ever gets ill. He doesn’t like the smell of the doctor’s office. He goes along just to humour his parents. He doesn’t want to cause more drama.

“How
do you sleep?” the doctor asks him.

“Not that well actually. I have trouble falling asleep, wake up often during the night and when I wake up, I’m still tired.
Sometimes I wake up with a headache and generally have more headaches recently,” Kevin replies.

His mother adds
, “He used to wake up very early when he was younger.”

“Are you anxious or fearful w
ithout reason?” the doctor asks.

“No, I’m not scared of anything,
” Kevin snaps back quickly.

“OK, but do you feel more nervous in situations where before you would f
eel confident?” the doctor asks again.

Kevin didn’t
notice being nervous before and has to think about the question first and then replies, “A bit.”

“He’s also not as happy as he used to be and we don’t hear him laughing as much as before
,” his mother adds.

“I see. Well, the reduction of cognitive abilities, diminished sleeping quality, elevated levels of
anxiety, nervousness and tension and overall lopsided emotional expression leads me to the conclusion that he is suffering from major depression,“ the doctor says.

Kevin wonders
what the hell the doctor is talking about when his mother says, “So he has depression? What can we do about that?”

“I’ll prescribe a light anti-depressant and recommend that you go and see a psychologist. I have a card of a brilliant lady here somewhere
,” the doctor says.

“Great
,” Kevin thinks. “Depression and taking pills; the same as Brendan. I’m also a freak.” He thinks that he’ll tell Brendan about it and then remembers that he can’t.

Kevin
isn’t happy at all about going to a psychologist. He doesn’t know what a psychologist is and thinks that it is someone that freaks go to. That evening his parents take some time to explain to him that there is nothing wrong with going to a psychologist. His father says that just as the body gets ill sometimes, like flu, the mind can get ill with depression. There is nothing to be ashamed about. Kevin agrees to go and see what it is all about, but he won’t tell anyone.

The psychologist i
s near his school, so after school he goes to her office. When she opens the door, he thinks that she seems quite nice actually. He expected someone who looks a bit freakish. Also, she is on time and he doesn’t have to wait endlessly like when they are at the doctor.

In session, she asks
all kinds of strange questions. He keeps wondering what the correct answer to the question is and finds it really difficult. She asks questions about his birth and what kind of baby he was, what baby illnesses he had and so on. “How the hell am I supposed to know that?” he wonders. At the end she says that not all problems can be fixed in one day and that he should give her a chance to help him. It will take several weeks and says that he will have an appointment at the same time every week for eight weeks. She tells him to go home and think about what makes him feel nervous and what he generally feels he needs to talk about.

Kevin
knows that he has to do to something, or else he would go the same way as Brendan. After leaving the psychologist, he walks home thinking that it isn’t as bad as he thought and he feels somewhat better talking to her. Once again he has hope. He also finds it interesting that his appointment with the psychologist is at the same time as his catechism classes were the year before. That ended in disappointment, but he is sure that this time he is in good hands.

H
e also feels more and more pressure from his school mates and various girls to have a girlfriend. He is from the same gene pool as his Casanova brother, so he is hugely attractive and liked by many. He is talented in many ways, does well in a number of extramural activities and impresses everyone with his massive general knowledge of just about anything. He often withdraws himself from everyone which gives the impression that he is a bit shy, although he isn’t.  Many girls like the fact that he is attractive, yet without the arrogance that some of the other hot guys have. He knows that he has to get a girlfriend, or else people might suspect something. But who? He still finds himself staring at other boys, wondering how big their packages are, although thankfully, it is much less than before. He now makes a deliberate attempt to look around. There are some girls with whom he is great friends, but he doesn’t want anything more from them. It just doesn’t feel right somehow.