Goddesses Never Age: The Secret Prescription for Radiance, Vitality, and Well-Being (42 page)

As Shirley MacLaine has said, “I don’t think you go out of style when you’re living in the present most of the time.” Don’t be embarrassed about developing a style that’s right for you right
now—and asking someone to help you if that’s what you need. Agelessness means being daring and courageous, so take some chances. I know this can be hard to do because we live in a shaming culture, but don’t give in to other people’s limited ideas about how you should dress or style your hair. If you want to keep your hair long, go for it. If you want to dye it purple, don’t let anyone stop you. If you’re a bold lipstick kind of woman, choose a shade that can be seen across a room. Do you love stilettos? Find yourself a pair that’s five inches high, and develop the muscles in your feet and ankles so that you can wear them proudly and skillfully—at least for an hour or so. And if you want to get your eyes done or have a facelift, go for that too. That is how an ageless goddess owns her beauty—no shaming, no apologies.

And if you don’t know who you are in terms of your personal style, use adornment to help you figure it out. Push yourself out of your comfort zone and see how it feels to own a new way of doing your makeup (or going without), a new way of dressing (or merely tweaking the way you have always dressed), or a new way of styling your hair.

Is your appearance highly valued in your line of business? If so, I encourage you to invest in hiring a personal stylist. A good one will help you own your beauty rather than try to pressure you to dress a certain way because “everyone’s wearing this now.” It’s completely worth the money to find clothing that works for you and makes you feel beautiful and confident. Some women just have the gift of personal style, but for those of us who don’t, a hired advisor—or a good friend who has the gift—is a marvelous thing. When you work in the public eye, it’s especially important to let go of any fear of asking for help in this area. That said, if someone tells you that you shouldn’t wear something, but it feels right when you put it on and you like how it looks, don’t take her advice.

Do you have self-nurturing beauty rituals? I don’t wear a lot of makeup on a typical day, but I do get a blowout at a salon every Friday. It’s a beauty ritual that says, “Bring on the weekend!” and makes me feel like a goddess. I mentioned the benefits of massage earlier, and it can be a marvelous beauty ritual too. So can facials, manicures, and pedicures. If you don’t have a lot
of money, do it yourself at home or with your daughters, granddaughters, or girlfriends. Go to a spa or a beauty school. I like the new Shellac manicures done with UV light that last for a couple of weeks. Something as small as having lovely nails, or glowing skin after a facial, can boost your confidence too. It can be fun to choose outrageous colors or match them to an outfit that flatters you. If you don’t want color, you can get a manicure and get clear polish or no nail polish at all, and enjoy the sensation of warm paraffin on your hands and a hand massage.

If the very idea of self-nurturing beauty rituals feels uncomfortable for you, think about why that is. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be pampered and owning the fact that you are a beautiful, ageless goddess.

One very specific way to “own” your beauty is to invest in glamour or boudoir photography. The photographers who specialize in these services are often women who genuinely want to help other women reclaim their confidence in their attractiveness. A good photographer will do her best to put you at ease so you don’t look stiff and uncomfortable and will adjust lighting, props, and your positioning to make you look great. She can help you come up with flattering poses, but if you do an Internet search, you can find plenty of ideas too. Having a good music soundtrack during a photo session and friends to make you laugh also really helps. When you’re relaxed, it’s easier to own your beauty and prevent any negative self-talk about not being attractive. Let go and feel like a gorgeous goddess posing for the camera. Also, a photographer told me to have someone make you laugh, or to think of something funny, just before the shutter is snapped. The best photographs capture your genuine emotion. There’s a huge difference between a forced smile and a genuine one.

Even if you’re sticking to snapshots rather than professional photos, keep in mind that a few tricks can enhance what you look like. Remember the Hollywood actress tip of paying attention to lighting: natural lighting or soft, full-spectrum lighting indoors is very flattering. The light at dusk is so forgiving that photographers sometimes call this part of the day “the magic hour.” In the days before cosmetic surgery, Botox, fillers, and collagen boosters, Hollywood actresses like Bette Davis insisted
on having control over who set up the lighting for a movie—or even for a personal appearance. Davis could even tell when one of the many lightbulbs on a movie set had popped because she was meticulous about how she looked on camera. You don’t have to go as far as hiring a lighting designer to follow you around, but you can be more conscious about lighting and how you appear in photographs and video.

Once I was having some old slides scanned and made into digital files, and I found a picture of me on my honeymoon. I was stunned by the beautiful young woman smiling into the camera—I mean, really stunned. Back then I thought I was too fat and not all that attractive. I had been ignorant enough about my worth to have asked the man I married what he thought about my weight. His reply? “You could stand to lose five pounds.” I weighed 125 pounds, a weight I most likely will never come close to again. It’s amazing to me that I feel more attractive and happy now than I ever did back them. What a relief! Have you had a similar experience of having your insecurities solidified by the people around you? It’s so common! That’s why I want you to take the following pledge. Raise your right hand and say the following aloud: “I promise to never, ever, ever doubt my own attractiveness and worth again. And I will never again ask anyone what he or she thinks about my weight, or whether he or she thinks I look fat in an outfit.” If you’ve gained weight, what’s important is whether it’s healthy weight for you, not whether it makes you look different than you did in your 20s.
Of course
you look different! You’re an ageless beauty now. Own it without apology.

MY EDUCATION IN THE ART OF ADORNMENT

Years ago, I did a lecture at the famous Chautauqua Institution that was carried on NPR. A couple of television producers in Chicago heard the lecture and wanted to put me on a show, but said they needed to see photos of me first. As they put it, “We had to find out what you look like. Television is, after all, a visual medium.”

Thus began my education in the art of makeup, clothing, and appearance—and all the tricks of looking better. Until then, I
had never even had a professional manicure or pedicure, let alone professionally done hair, makeup, or styling. It never occurred to me that my nails could be seen on television. I do a lot of public speaking and appearances now, and over the years I’ve become well aware that “the medium is the message,” so I take a lot of care with my clothing and appearance. Once that’s taken care of, then I can forget about how I look and just deliver my message. But I know that the two are inextricably linked. And instead of resenting that I have to dress up and make up for the camera, I accept this as part of my work and I take pleasure in it.

For much of my life, I paid no attention to my looks. My natural love of clothing and beauty was deep-sixed by my medical training. I couldn’t even see myself as an attractive woman on any level. Luckily, when I needed to do something about my appearance and style, I attracted a lot of help, especially from gay men! A while back, while speaking in the Cape Cod area, I stopped into a local hair salon in Provincetown. A hairdresser told me, straight out, “Honey, your hair is doing nothing for you.” He suggested that with my fine hair and facial features, I needed something called an “A-line bob.” Who knew? Clearly, he did. He gave me the best haircut I had ever had. Another time, when I had to buy an outfit for a big TV appearance, Joseph, a sales clerk at a Boston boutique, put me in a dressing room and began to bring in outfits, many of which were way out of my comfort zone. The stilettos in particular were a stretch. When he saw my uncertainty about wearing an item that was blatantly sexy, he told me to “get used to it.” Another time, when I was visiting a friend in Boca Raton, Florida, I went into a high-end department store with her and tried on a designer black dress and heels. She told me I looked fabulous, but I couldn’t see it. I was afraid that my friends and family would make fun of me for daring to wear anything that stylish or sexy. We often don’t see ourselves in our finest light, so we need others who can reflect our beauty back to us and remind us we’re gorgeous goddesses.

That said, some of our closest associates will actually work to keep us down when we begin to upgrade our looks, because they feel threatened by our beauty in a dominator culture where women are supposed to compete with each other in the realm of
physical appearance. This is known as the “crabs in a bucket” syndrome. When one crab starts climbing over the top of the bucket, the others will drag it back down. If you’re in a bucket with a bunch of crabs dragging you back down, get a new bucket. If you, like the old me, are worried about what your friends will say when you suddenly start to look better, that’s a sure sign that you need a friend upgrade. We all need what I refer to as a “placenta of support”—women and men who uplift and nourish our expression of our best selves. Without that, it’s hard to reject the cultural idea that we’ll never be adequately pretty, and that we’re always lacking somehow.

When I saw myself in my designer suit and stilettos on camera after that first PBS television show was taped, I realized that the outfit Joseph had chosen for me made me look not just serious and professional but stylish and even sexy too. I had to admit that the look worked for delivering my message. For years, I’d seen myself as a frumpy doctor, so the idea that I could be attractive in a daring way yet still be taken seriously was liberating. I had taken an important step toward becoming an ageless goddess.

I have had to learn to own my beauty and not feel awkward and insecure when I have to present myself in public or have a photo taken. The professional photo shoot for the cover of this book took an entire day, a clothing stylist, an amazing photographer and studio, and a skilled makeup artist. And I had a ball doing it. Why? Because I know how all that magic in magazines happens, and I enjoy being part of it. I arrived at the studio with wet hair and no makeup, had fun all day changing outfits and smiling for the camera, feeling confident and happy, and ended by hugging all the wonderful people involved.

Have you been afraid to step into new shoes—literally—or style your hair differently? When was the last time you let yourself take chances with fashion, hair, or makeup? Give up the absurd expectation of perfection when it comes to your looks and have fun with adorning yourself. Claim your beauty, enhance it, and enjoy it. When you do, everyone benefits. And there are many healthy, natural, easy ways to do it that may not cost you a cent!

SECRETS FOR LOOKING FABULOUS AT ANY AGE

You don’t have to invest a lot of money in clothes, hair, and makeup to feel good in your body if you expand your ideas about what constitutes beauty. What’s most important is to feel beautiful, even if you don’t match up with someone else’s limited ideas about what’s attractive. Remember, your ageless years are the time to give up for good your addiction to pleasing other people and focus instead on pleasing yourself. There are many simple things you can do to look better and boost your confidence in your beauty.

Ageless Hair

With hormonal changes, hair can change texture and color. You can use dye, wigs, extensions, and chemical or natural curlers or straighteners to change your hair if you don’t like it, or you can come to love the way your hair looks and feels now. If your hair is breaking off easily, or not growing past a certain length, it could be that you’re under a lot of stress or not eating and sleeping well. It could also be that your hair can’t handle the amount of punishment it’s taking. Consider taking a break from the chemicals and hairstyles that put stress on your hair follicles. You can also enhance your personal style with hats, scarves, or a radical short haircut. I always find that look really stunning!

If you’re losing your hair, it may be because you have a hormonal imbalance, particularly one brought about by thyroid imbalance, too much sugar and insulin, and a lack of iodine. When you have too much dihydrotestosterone, or DHT, in your system (which results from a combination of too much insulin and too much estrogen), you may experience male pattern baldness and even some darker, heavier hair on your upper lip and chin. Very often, the problem is sugar in the diet, along with iodine deficiency. The hair follicles on the head have a receptor for testosterone, and when there is too much sugar in your system and not enough iodine, you end up with metabolites that fit in those receptors and shut down the testosterone-sensitive hair follicles. On your head, too much testosterone shuts down hair growth.
But on your face, the opposite is true. I have seen iodine supplementation restore hair—not to mention energy, breast health, and thyroid health—in many.

Shoe Beauty

For me, beautiful shoes are key to feeling good about how I look. High heels make a woman’s legs appear longer, and the right pair can be incredibly sexy. In the Broadway show
Kinky Boots,
there’s a whole song about how “sex is in the heel.” Llorraine Neithardt of the radio show
Venus Unplugged
designs shoes as an offering to Aphrodite (you can see some of her designs at
www.shoefineart.com
). Her glamorous shoe designs were used in the movie
P.S. I Love You.
They capture the aesthetic of sexy shoes.

I am quite new to the allure of shoes, having been born with very wide feet and a condition called metatarsus adductus, in which the fronts of my feet turned in. When I was a child, they thought I had clubbed feet. However, cool shoes are now available in wider sizes than ever before, and the Internet has made it easier than ever to find shoes in a variety of sizes. For the first time in my life, I can actually find shoes that fit.