Gnome On The Range (17 page)

“I think you have enough testosterone to make it out alive.” My mouth twitched.

Ty popped the trunk of his rental car. He’d insisted on driving as his car was unfamiliar to anyone who might consider following me and doing me harm. It was pale blue, two doors and small enough to fit in the bed of Ty’s pickup truck. It was a clown car and he had to practically fold himself in half to fit behind the wheel. Its only saving grace was a remarkably large trunk. Ty was a big man and he needed room. Lots and lots of room the rental could not provide. I could imagine him standing on the curb waiting for the mailman to arrive with his insurance check just to be rid of his pint-sized rental. Images of the boys waiting for the ice cream truck came to mind.

I started digging through the boxes Goldie packed for me.

“What the hell?” Ty asked as he picked up a rubber dildo from the box. The tip of it jiggled like the Colonel’s Jell-O. “What on earth do you guys do at a bachelorette party?” he snapped.

“What do you guys do at a bachelor party?” I countered.

Ty’s eyes lost focus as he most likely imagined strippers, porn and lots of liquor. “Never mind. Please explain.” He couldn’t figure out where to hold the dildo, his hands shifting from the shaft to the balls to the tip.

I took it from him. His face looked as if he’d swallowed a bitter pill. “I believe that’s the All American Whopper Dong and friends.”

Ty shuffled through the box. Inside were at least ten dildos, all identical. He mumbled something I couldn’t catch, but I did hear the words ‘women’ and ‘insane.’ I decided to let it go. We weren’t even through the door yet.

“You’re here!” A woman—from the looks of her—the bride, squealed. She weaved her way down the walkway, most likely very tipsy. Although, if I wore the black patent stilettos she had on I’d be weaving around, stone cold sober. She wore a white tank top that showed off her youthful breasts. I’d bet my paycheck they’d been medically enhanced. Somehow she wore a jean skirt that was as big as a Band-Aid and kept everything legally covered. I’m not sure what would happen if she sat down.

Her hair was long, straight and dark. A little poof in the back gave it lift that only came from a half can of hairspray. On her head was a plastic diamond tiara in the shape of the word BRIDE. To accompany this she wore a Miss America sash that read ‘Bride To Be.’

“I can’t believe the surprise! I thought it was next month! I’m sooooo excited!” She even came up and hugged me. Yup, drunk. She smelled of rum and something fruity. “OMG, we’re going to play with dildos! That’s great because it matches the party’s theme!” I had a pretty good idea what that was. “We’ve got a penis cake and penis shaped ice in our drinks. This is going to be amazing!” She grabbed the dildo from me and ran back up the walk. As she entered the house I heard more screams than a ninth grade sleepover.

We grabbed the boxes and headed inside.

The front door opened onto a family room with two tan couches, a wide screen TV and a fake plant. White walls and bare floors. Probably recently moved in. I quickly counted heads. Nine women of various ages were drinking wine from the box on the coffee table and eating chips and salsa, gabbing like sorority sisters. They ogled the dildo as if it were the Lost Buddha from the Ancient Empire. They sat on the couches, squeezed in like peas in a pod, with one or two ladies on chairs probably pulled in from the kitchen.

All heads swiveled to us and it became as quiet as church on Sunday.

No one looked at me. I could have been naked twirling batons of fire. No one would have noticed. They were all looking at Ty. Like a piece of meat. Okay, I now knew what Ty had been saying when he told me Dex had looked at me that way. These ladies would eat him alive if I wasn’t there.

I actually thought I heard Ty gulp. With a shaky smile he said, “Ladies.”

“This is Ty,” I replied by way of introduction.

“A stripper! I didn’t know Goldilocks did that!” A bridesmaid I recognized from the store squealed with delight. I figured this one was Dingbat.

Ty took a step back.

“No, he’s not a stripper,” I clarified.

They took in his faded, well worn jeans and how they hugged his really nice ass. They admired his button-down gray shirt and how it showed off his broad shoulders. It was rolled up at the forearms to reveal tanned and toned muscles. His hair was still cut short and he was clean shaven. I could even smell the soap he used. I don’t blame them the ogling, or taking him for a stripper. He was a man at a bachelorette party, and he’d come with me, the woman who ran the adult store. And of course, he was hot.

A chorus of “Hellooo, Ty” rang out.

He pointed his thumb at me like the Fonz. “She’s my girlfriend.”

So now I’m his girlfriend. The ladies looked at me, sizing me up. Was I worthy of a hunk like Ty? Some of the mean looks the women gave me said no.

“Hi, ladies!” I said brightly. “Let’s get started.” I slid the box of dildos in front of me. “If you each will take one and pass the rest around, great. No, there’s enough for everyone. Tonight you’re going to learn how to give your man the blow job of his dreams.”

Ty coughed. I looked at him and I swore he choked on spit.

I dug back in the box. “Oh, here, the plastic plates are for you to suction cup your—”

“Cock!” one woman shouted out.

“Dick!” Another.

“Man part.” Another.

I laughed. “—whatever-you-want-to-call-it to. You want to keep your hands free. It’s all about the mouth.”

I should have been mortified I was talking like this in front of Ty. I wasn’t because I knew the more I talked on the subject of dildos and BJ’s and mouths, the more embarrassed he was going to be. And I thought that was hilarious. Goldie would be mighty proud.

The ladies shouted out while they were laughing, wielding their rubber phalluses like swords. This was a typical reaction to this activity. No chance of getting their full attention. I didn’t take it personally. I just let it go. It reminded me of Zach’s kindergarten class and trying to get them to glue cotton balls on Santa’s beard during craft time. Half the Santa’s went home with cotton ball pants.

I demonstrated how to do the suction cupping.

“Here, can you hold this for me?” I passed Ty the cock on the plate. He looked at it, the tip jiggling back and forth. Goldie didn’t pack the little guys, she went for the eight inchers.

“Uh, sure.” Ty started to look panicked. His expression was a cross between extreme embarrassment and intestinal cramping.

“Ty, come sit next to me,” a woman who looked a lot like the bride, but thirty years older and wearing a longer skirt, purred.

Between the ladies ogling him, the super-sized man part on a dinner plate and the cat calls, I wasn’t sure what was worse for him. “Ladies, leave Ty alone,” I scold gently.

 “Now, don’t worry, all of the dildos have been washed and sanitized.” I grabbed for the condoms at the bottom of the box. “So, if you can each take one of these, I’m going to show you how to roll a condom on just using your mouth.”

The ladies hurriedly passed the foil packages around then heard several thwaps where the rubber smacked the plates.

“If you’re at the coffee table, you can just stick them on there instead.” Some ladies ran with this idea.

I ripped open a foil packet and pulled out the condom, then held my hand out to Ty to get my plate back for the demonstration. I looked at him and smiled. He winced back.

I sat down on the arm of the couch. “Stick the condom, all rolled up on the tip like this. Good. Just like that.” I paused and waited through the sexual banter, laughing and talking until almost everyone had finished. “Now, you’ll use your mouth and tongue to slowly unroll the condom as you move down your man’s penis. Like this.”

I leaned forward to demonstrate.

“I’m out of here,” Ty said as my mouth was almost on the dildo. He was halfway out the door before I got the plate onto the coffee table.

“Ladies, you try it. I’ll be right back.”

I walked out onto the front porch and heard the ladies laughing and chatting behind me.

“I thought you didn’t want me left alone just in case someone…you know.” I tucked a stray curl behind my ear.

Ty stood on the front walk, stuffed his hands in his jeans pockets. “Sweetheart, no man is going to come to a bachelorette party to hurt you. After what I saw in there, he’d kill himself first.”

“So where are you going to go?”

“There’s a ballgame on somewhere.” He looked at his watch. “How much time do you need?”

“Mmm, can’t say for sure.”

We both heard a woman shouting, “My man’s gonna get some tonight!”

“Right. Just call me when you’re done.”

***

It was late when we pulled into Ty’s driveway. I wasn’t the least bit tired even though it was after eleven. I was hyper-aware of him sitting next to me, his body only inches from mine. A tiny car sure came in handy at times like this. It was easy to brush up against each other. Which happened a few times on the way home. It had been accidental the first time, but the second, I had to admit I faked it and leaned in. I couldn’t help myself. I needed body-to-body contact. A girl’s got to fake it every once in awhile. Although I hoped I wouldn’t have to fake it much—or ever again—with Ty.

“Let me help you get these boxes into your garage.”

“Is that a euphemism for something?” I asked, coyly.

“You’ve been hanging around Goldie too much. It means, I have to work tomorrow and I can’t have adult sex toys in my car at the station.”

“Right,” I replied, mollified. Hunh. Shot down. He must still be grumpy from the bachelorette party ogling. I wanted him to kiss me, to
touch
me!

We both hefted a box to my garage, trudging across the Colonel’s front yard. The air was cool, a slight breeze made the leaves rustle in the ash tree above our heads. Ty waited patiently as I glumly punched in the code to the door opener. The single bulb popped on, giving us just enough light to dump them unceremoniously in a free spot. “I guess I don’t have to be as careful as you, or as I usually am. With the boys away—”

One second I was talking, the next Ty’s hands were on my shoulders pushing me roughly against the side of my car. His mouth was on mine before I could even make an umph. Huh, rough was a major turn-on. Who knew?

I could feel every inch of Ty’s body pressed into mine. A knee nudged my legs apart and he was even closer. I could feel the muscled slab of chest against my breasts, his hips against my stomach. Hello! I could feel something else against my stomach and it wasn’t made out of rubber, nor did it have suction cups.

His tongue plunged into my mouth, his hands moved to my hair.

I was pinned. There was nowhere for me to go. Not that I was complaining. Why would I want to go anywhere except to my bed?
With Ty
.

“This,” he shifted his hips, pressing his man part, his cock, his dick, up against all the right places, “is just the beginning of what I want to do to you.”

Ty started kissing my neck, nibbling at my ear all the while telling me all the things he was going to do to me, with me. Thank God he held me up or I would have melted into a puddle on the concrete floor. I felt the ache, the need for him…
everywhere
. Who knew he could be so creative?

“You can do that with a chair?” I asked. Wow.

“Uh huh.” He whispered more.

“On my knees?” I gasped.

And more.

“With your tongue?”

“Mmm hmm.” I could feel him smile into my neck.

“Okay,” I replied breathlessly, before I pulled his mouth back to mine. Yes! I was ready. My body was more than ready. I could hear an orgasm calling my name. Maybe more than one! A chorus of orgasms singing in my ears.

The timed light on the garage door opener clicked off. Darkness.

We progressed from there, right against my Jeep. Ty’s hands were on the buttons of my shirt, his fingers fumbling slowly with one button at a time. My hands slipped around his waist and down to his butt while we kissed.

Briiingg
.

No! Not Ty’s cell! We ignored it, his mouth too busy locked to mine to answer it.

Briiingg
.

“Shit,” Ty said, our foreheads touching, breaths mingling, his hands on the second button down on my shirt, or was that the third?

He pulled his cell from his pocket, leaned back. “Hi, Dad.”

I gently pushed him off and gave him some room. I didn’t need his hands on me while he talked to his dad. Being interrupted by a parent was close to the best libido killer ever. Even in your thirties with two kids.

“What?” he yelled. I couldn’t see his face, but from the tone, it didn’t sound good. “Where?” He listened. “When?” More listening. “Shit.”

He ended the call. “You’re not going to believe this. Morty’s turned up.”

I had a really bad feeling about this. “Let me guess, he’s dead?”

He nodded. “Someone dumped him on my parents’ ranch.”

“What do you mean dumped him?”

“You really want to know?”

I nodded.

“Someone put a bullet in his brain, chopped him up and fed him to my parents’ pigs.”

“Holy crap.”

“I need to go to my parents but I can’t leave you here all alone knowing there’s a lunatic that chops up bodies on the loose. You’re spending the night at Goldie and Paul’s.”

I wasn’t very interested in being alone with a lunatic on the loose either. The thought of being alone gave me the willies. “No problem.”

“Pack a bag and I’ll follow you over there.”

I rang Goldie and told her I was coming. While I packed a small bag, I listened as Ty called in to work to get the day off. It was a haul to get to Pony, close to two hours, and he’d have to deal with the police in the morning.

Any interest we might have had in sex had been killed off, just like Morty. It definitely wasn’t the right time for the two of us. We’d both given it the old ‘college try’ but something always seemed to get in the way. Dead bodies, homicidal maniacs, gnomes with sperm inside.

Ty followed me the short distance to Goldie’s in his rental car. All was quiet and dark. Goldie was at the front door waiting for me, the porch light on. She wore a thick robe. Her hair was mussed.