Gilliflowers (35 page)

On the way home I quizzed Shane about why Jak was so well in with Leo and

Mike. They usually got through more subs than a well-known chain of sandwich shops. He said and I quote: ‘Jak is an instinctive scene player. He’s an excellent sub and Leo believes he has the potential to become a good Dom in his turn.’ I muttered about him being a complete twat into the bargain, which earned me a slap to the thigh.

My slumbering love God has awakened. I can hear him moving around. I’d better head for the kitchen and start dinner. I’m not cooking anything, not in this heat. I’ve got some tiger prawns and smoked salmon in the fridge. I’ll chuck them into a salad and serve it with some crusty bread. Ciao for now!

The last few days have been hot and hard. Yep, beta Daddy is home safe sound and as horny as hell. I’m thinking of having a cat flap fitted to my back door so I can nip out to the shops while he’s busy banging away. I know I’m a rude, crude houseboy, but you wouldn’t want me any other way, unlike Dick, who wants me every way and then some.

Actually his homecoming on Monday was chilly to begin with. He was a bit later than expected. He let slip it was because he’d picked up a hitchhiker and had detoured to drop him at his required destination. Shane didn’t approve for reasons of health and safety. I didn’t approve because the hitchhiker was male. My green-eyed monster put in an appearance and interrogated Dick. It demanded to know how old the hitchhiker had been, legal age or jailbait? Was he good looking, better looking than me, was that why Dick had picked him up? Had he offered anything in return for a ride, a ride for a ride perhaps? The houseboy was warned to keep his unfounded jealousy under lock and key, or else.

Shane is working overtime tonight. He’s been doing it a lot lately. The downturn in the housing market has brought concerns, though he insists it’s nothing he can’t handle. He doesn’t discuss it with me, but I heard him telling Dick about a major project he’s had to mothball. It was for luxury flats. Putting the project on ice meant laying off a bunch of workers, something he doesn’t take lightly. He’ll come home tired and inclined to be demanding and critical. It’s executive stress so I try to understand and make allowances, as does Dick. We’ll watch our p’s and q’s and make sure our manner is properly deferential and soothing.

My mood has dipped. I don’t know why. Perhaps because I called my mother

earlier today and Kelly answered the phone. I asked to speak to mum and she asked who was calling. If she meant it as a joke it didn’t work. It put my back up. Mum had a few words, but said she was busy and she’d call me later. I don’t think she wanted to chat with Kelly wigging in. I haven’t seen her for two weeks, or heard much from her at all. Frank has been on a fortnight’s holiday, so I haven’t been going over on a Friday as I usually do. I felt threatened in some way when Kelly answered the phone.

Sidelined I suppose. I think mum might have preferred me to be a girl. I think most women want at least one daughter.

What I need is a walk out to the Rose and Crown for some quiet ponder time, but it isn’t the same without my lovely Stella for company. I could ponder at home, but let’s face it - a cup of tea or can of coke doesn’t cut the mustard when it comes to pondering companions. I’ve been an alcohol free houseboy for almost four months now and am no more resigned to it. Fuck the fact I’ve had fewer episodes. It could be coincidence, and anyway it hasn’t stopped them altogether, as proved by the Halifax incident.

August as a month engenders mixed feelings in me. It’s a bridge between all too brief summer and the long fall into winter. It’s imbued with an air of something ready to leave and something waiting to come.

As I write, dear diary, it’s the last day of the month and for once I feel no sense of sadness at the prospect of summer slipping away. I’ll be glad to put this August behind me. It’s been tempestuous from day one for this houseboy with IEM putting in several appearances.

Let me begin with an account of Dick’s birthday, which falls on the first of August. I usually look forward to pampering him and doing something nice, but on the day I woke up feeling fatigued, headachy and irritable. The plans I’d made for the day lost their polish seeming a chore rather than a pleasure. Even at six in the morning the sun was beaming and the garden was filled with birdsong, which should have lifted me, but didn’t.

I lurched out of bed and stumbled to the bathroom to water the trouser pup. I felt like I had a hangover without having had the fun beforehand. It wasn’t the first time it had happened and of late it seemed to be happening more frequently. I had no idea why. I wanted to go back to bed and curl up under the sheet with my eyes shut, but work beckoned. I rinsed my face with copious amounts of cold water, trying to rinse myself brighter, and then headed downstairs.

As befits a celebration breakfast I set the dining room table, putting my card and gift by Dick’s place. Mindful of the trouble I’d gotten into last year for spending too much money I’d exercised restraint and settled on more modest gifts this year. I bought him a good quality sketching set containing pencils and pastels for doing monochrome and sepia style work. I also bought a box of his favourite liquorice allsorts and some bright patterned acoustic guitar picks. Not quite as exciting as the car drive experience I’d given him last year, which he’d loved. We’d all had a wonderful day out on the strength of it.

I fretfully fingered the gift packaging for a few moments as I wondered what Shane would give him. He’d been secretive about it, tapping his nose when I quizzed him by way of telling me to keep mine out. Whatever it was I’d bet it was something better than pencils, picks and sweets. Taking a deep breath I sternly reminded myself I wasn’t in competition with Shane and got on with breakfast preps.

Shane’s gift was awesome. He’d taken a leaf from Dick’s book and gone for special jewellery, but not of the sex toy variety. This was something more than fun fetish wear. It was a commissioned piece, a handmade silver slave bracelet. Leo had put him onto a silversmith who specialised in creating pieces for BDSM disciples. It was simple and discreet enough to be worn every day if Dick wanted to. What set it apart and made it unique was a kind of flat charm attachment, a roll of silver bonded to the bracelet and impressed on the underside with Shane’s fingerprint. Dick’s initials were engraved on the front part.

Dick expressed delight at my gifts and I believe he genuinely liked them, but he clearly adored the bracelet. Of course he did. It was a beautiful gift and a beautiful gesture, a clear sign of the deep love Shane felt for him. Whenever he wore it he would be reminded of that love, feel Shane’s touch on his skin. I thought he was going to cry when Shane slipped it on his wrist. The kiss of thanks he gave him was edged with passion.

Envy sensitised every nerve in my body. I smiled and admired and then quickly left the room ‘to see to breakfast’ but really to hide the jealous insecurity pricking my eyes. IEM stepped up to the bar bringing resentment with him. My birthday had been horrible without so much as a glass of fizzy wine to give it a romantic glow. IEM

conveniently forgot I’d been the one who fucked it up.

I managed to compose myself enough to serve a pleasant meal of sautéed mushrooms on toast followed by Greek yoghurt and fresh summer fruits, a mix of sweet black cherries, lush red strawberries and sharp raspberries. I also put out toasted brioche bread and preserves.

I had little appetite, but I forced myself to partake. I sat half listening to them talk, while watching the play of sunshine on silver as Dick moved his arm. Maybe the silver circlet was Shane’s way of making up for the lack of a wedding ring, a way of not only marking Dick’s birthday, but their forthcoming anniversary? It was approaching almost a year since their Civil Partnership.

A thought occurred. Penny was perhaps entitled to her anger against me. If not for me they might have had a more elaborate ceremony with an exchange of gold bands in front of family and friends instead of what she had called a shabby hole in the wall affair.

“Gilli.”

I jumped as Dick touched my arm.

“Something on your mind? You were miles away there.”

“I’m fine.” I sat up a little straighter, trying to shake off the lethargy that seemed intent on overwhelming me.

Shane made comment. “You’ve barely spoken a word this morning.”

“I thought that’s how you liked me, seen, but not heard.”

“Don’t be cheeky! What are you brooding about?”

Dick cut in. “Are you fretting about this evening?”

“No.” My irritation began to creep to the fore. “I’m just a bit tired.”

“How can you be tired when you’ve just got up?”

“I haven’t
just
got up, Shane. I’ve been up since six and in case you haven’t noticed I’ve been busy.” Irritation turned to rudeness. “Is it a crime to be quiet now?

You complain if I talk too much and now you’re complaining because I’m not talking enough. There’s no fucking pleasing you sometimes.”

I found myself staring down the barrel of a loaded finger.

“Do you speak to me like that, Gillibran?”

“No.” I averted my eyes from his. “I’m sorry.”

“If this is you building up a strop about this evening then you can stop it right now.”

“I’m not building up to anything. I’m just,” I shrugged, repeating lamely, “a bit tired.”

“You were on the computer too late last night, it doesn’t do you any good. Have a nap after we’ve gone to work, and stay off the computer today. In fact it’s off limits for the entire weekend.”

I was saved from having to reply by the ringing of the phone in the hall. I got up to answer it seeing as neither of them was stampeding towards it. It was my mother.

She was calling to say she was having a day out with Kelly. They were going shopping, so wouldn’t be home for my visit. She hoped I didn’t mind. I was short with her, issuing a curt reminder that I’d told her I wouldn’t be going anyway, as it was Dick’s birthday and we were having people round. She apologised and said she’d forgotten. She then asked me to convey birthday wishes to Dick and added, ‘see you next week, love.’ I hung up without saying goodbye.

“Who was it?” Shane came into the hall.

“My mother.”

“You sounded sharp. Why?”

“She’s like you, she prefers other people’s company to mine.”

He rolled his eyes, but didn’t ask for details and I didn’t offer any. He was moving into work mode and anxious to be on his way. “I’ll see you later, Gilli. Have a nap and try to cheer up for God’s sake. I don’t want to come home to find you still scowling, is that clear?”

“Maybe you’d prefer to come home and not find me at all.” I strode towards the stairs.

It was his turn to be sharp. “I haven’t got time for one of your attention seeking tantrums, boy.”

“You never have time for me, not real time.” I ran upstairs and into the bedroom.

He didn’t follow. I heard the murmur of voices in the hall as he took his leave of Dick and then the opening and closing of the front door followed by his car pulling off the drive. I lay down on the bed, curling on my side, tucking a pillow under my head.

Dick’s feet sounded on the stairs. He walked into the room and came over to me, touching a hand to my hair.

“What’s going on, Gilli? Have you had a row with your mother?”

I shrugged. “She called to tell me to sod off. She doesn’t want me around anymore.”

“Did she say that?” He looked shocked.

“Not in so many words, but it’s what she meant.”

“What did she say in so many words?”

“She wanted to put me off visiting today. She’d forgotten I wasn’t going anyway.

She’s got a stepdaughter to go shopping with now. She doesn’t need me.”

The look of shock returned. “I didn’t know you had a stepsister, how come you never told us? Really, Gilli, you do play things close to your chest at times.”

“Nothing to tell. She’s no relation to me at all, or to mum. I’ve never met her.

She’s no real relation to Frank either. She’s the daughter of his first wife. He hasn’t seen her since she was a kid. She got in touch with him last Christmas. Mum seems to have hit it off with her.”

“You’re her son. No one can replace you. Don’t start reading between lines that aren’t there.” He rubbed my arm. The movement caused light to glint on the bracelet on his wrist.

I touched a finger to the cool metal. “It’s beautiful.” I gazed at him, allowing envy to make use of my tongue. “I bet Shane won’t ever give me anything like it.”

“He presented you with a collar last year.”

“It’s not the same and besides it wasn’t only him who gave it me, it was both of you. It’s a play collar, not a love token like your bracelet.”

Dick frowned. “We’re not going down that path, Gilli. It’s just a piece of jewellery.”

“No it isn’t.” I couldn’t stop myself. “He’ll never feel for me what he feels for you. You’re his ‘one’ his soul mate and I’ll never match up or catch up. If you die I’ll never come close to filling your space. I’m always second best, to Shane, my mother, and you too. You don’t love me as much as you love Shane, do you?”

“I’m not listening to this silly self-pitying nonsense. I’m going to work.”

The devil was in me. I couldn’t stop pushing. “I got water and a good hiding for my birthday, but you get silver and champagne.”

“Try and work on improving your mood or you’ll be getting a hiding on my birthday as well.” He picked his jacket up off the bed, folding it over his arm. “If you’re tired have a sleep. Don’t worry about everything being perfect this evening.

It’s just a few friends, there’s no pressure.”

“Easy for you to say. You won’t be the one at everyone’s beck and call or the one standing sober while everyone else has a good time. It’s fucking ridiculous.”

“Put the brakes on, Gilli, before you run into bother.”

“I’m not playing waiter all evening.” I sat up, flinging the pillow aside. “I’ll set everything up, but then I’m going out. I’m not watching everyone knock back champagne if I can’t have one. I’m certainly not serving bubbly to that arse hole Jak all night.”