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Authors: Ph.D Harville Hendrix
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THE IMAGO DIALOGUE
OF ALL THE exercises in Imago Relationship Therapy, we now regard the Imago Dialogue as being the most effective tool for healing a ruptured connection. This technique is described
in chapter 9, and involves three separate steps: mirroring, validation, and empathy. Early in our work with the Imago Dialogue, we viewed it as an effective way to deepen communication. Eventually, we discovered that its power goes far beyond communication and can result in profound healing and growth for both partners. Ultimately, it transforms their perceptions of each other and that transforms the relationship.
in chapter 9, and involves three separate steps: mirroring, validation, and empathy. Early in our work with the Imago Dialogue, we viewed it as an effective way to deepen communication. Eventually, we discovered that its power goes far beyond communication and can result in profound healing and growth for both partners. Ultimately, it transforms their perceptions of each other and that transforms the relationship.
In addition to the benefits of the Imago Dialogue as outlined in the previous edition of
Getting the Love You Want
, I’d like to focus here on how and why it is so effective at creating safety and connection. Mirroring, the first step, is designed to help each of you understand what the other is saying. It involves listening to your partner’s comments, restating them without altering their meaning, and then asking for confirmation that you “got it.” Mirroring is elementary in the dual meaning of the word: It is both simple and basic.
Getting the Love You Want
, I’d like to focus here on how and why it is so effective at creating safety and connection. Mirroring, the first step, is designed to help each of you understand what the other is saying. It involves listening to your partner’s comments, restating them without altering their meaning, and then asking for confirmation that you “got it.” Mirroring is elementary in the dual meaning of the word: It is both simple and basic.
Mirroring alone is a potent tool for creating an I-Thou relationship. To mirror your partner you have to turn down the volume on your own thoughts so that you can listen attentively; you have to switch the channel from “me” to “you.” With this shift in focus, you are telling your partner, in effect: “I am no longer the sole person in the universe. I am acknowledging your separate existence. Your thoughts are important to me.”
Second, the exercise requires you to be an
accurate
mirror of your partner. You can’t be like a fun house mirror and twist your partner’s thoughts, leave out important details, or embellish them with your own. If you commit one of these common errors, your partner is to coach you until you get it right: “You got part of it right, but you left out what I said about my feelings.” Asking for confirmation is humbling and tedious, but it’s the best way to know if you truly understand what your partner is saying.
accurate
mirror of your partner. You can’t be like a fun house mirror and twist your partner’s thoughts, leave out important details, or embellish them with your own. If you commit one of these common errors, your partner is to coach you until you get it right: “You got part of it right, but you left out what I said about my feelings.” Asking for confirmation is humbling and tedious, but it’s the best way to know if you truly understand what your partner is saying.
Just as important, asking for confirmation empowers your partner. He or she gets to persist until you interpret the
message correctly. Very few of us had this latitude as young children. Whether or not we were understood was dependent on the mood and presence of mind of the adults around us. They could diminish what we had to say, ignore it, counter with their own views, or shame us for even daring to express it. Sadly, many people perpetuate this pattern in their daily conversations with their partners.
message correctly. Very few of us had this latitude as young children. Whether or not we were understood was dependent on the mood and presence of mind of the adults around us. They could diminish what we had to say, ignore it, counter with their own views, or shame us for even daring to express it. Sadly, many people perpetuate this pattern in their daily conversations with their partners.
Mirroring stops this destructive pattern in its tracks. When you mirror each other, you both get to experience what it is like to have someone pay close attention to you, understand exactly what you have to say, and honor your uniqueness. But mirroring goes deeper than that. Unbeknownst to you, your old brain, your unconscious mind, pays close attention as you work your way through this exercise. Having no sense of time and unable to make a clear distinction between individuals, your unconscious mind perceives the attention and respect you are receiving as coming from a caretaker, not just from your present-day intimate partner, and vice versa. As a result, a few repair stitches are made in the ruptured connections you both experienced in childhood.
After several years of using this exercise, we discovered that the listening partner can magnify the healing effect of mirroring by asking this question: “Do you have more to say about that?” Or, simply, “Is there more about that?” It’s a wonderful feeling to have your partner’s full attention and to be asked to reveal even more about what you are thinking and feeling. Very few of us had caretakers who expressed much curiosity about our inner world. We were most visible to them when we excelled or when we caused trouble. Our partner’s keen interest in our thoughts helps repair those feelings of neglect from long ago. This, in turn, makes us feel much safer in our partner’s presence, and we begin to discover parts of ourselves that have been hidden since childhood. We become more whole.
The second part of the Imago Dialogue, validation, continues the reparation process. Once you have listened to your partner
and fully understood what they have to say, you then strive to see how their thoughts make sense to
them.
You do not have to agree with your partner. You need to see them as they
are,
not as you wish them to be. Many people spend much of their time trying to get their partners to think the same way they do—this is a common obstacle to restoring connection—but it is important that you affirm the logic of your partner’s thinking—to see your partner as an “other” and no longer an extension of yourself: “You are not crazy. From all that I’m learning about you, I can see why you think that way.” Many of us had parents who could not transcend their own worldviews. If we didn’t agree with them or heed their advice, they ignored us or implied that we were stupid, misguided, rebellious, disrespectful, or crazy. The fact that two quite different points of view could be equally valid—especially opposing views between a parent and child—was beyond their comprehension. Validation establishes the fact that there are two realities; both are correct.
and fully understood what they have to say, you then strive to see how their thoughts make sense to
them.
You do not have to agree with your partner. You need to see them as they
are,
not as you wish them to be. Many people spend much of their time trying to get their partners to think the same way they do—this is a common obstacle to restoring connection—but it is important that you affirm the logic of your partner’s thinking—to see your partner as an “other” and no longer an extension of yourself: “You are not crazy. From all that I’m learning about you, I can see why you think that way.” Many of us had parents who could not transcend their own worldviews. If we didn’t agree with them or heed their advice, they ignored us or implied that we were stupid, misguided, rebellious, disrespectful, or crazy. The fact that two quite different points of view could be equally valid—especially opposing views between a parent and child—was beyond their comprehension. Validation establishes the fact that there are two realities; both are correct.
Empathy is the final step in the Imago Dialogue. Once you have been reassured that you received your partner’s messages exactly as they were intended, you strive to understand the feelings behind them: “Now that I really listen to you and understand what you’re saying, I’m wondering if you might feel threatened.” Or “Wow! I think I understand how much your new job means to you. You must be feeling thrilled!” The word “empathy” comes from the German term “
Einfuhlung
,” which means “to feel as one with.” When you and your partner are empathic with each other, you are as emotionally close as two people can be. As the poet Rumi said: “Out beyond ideas of wrong doing and right doing, there is a field. I will meet you there.”
Einfuhlung
,” which means “to feel as one with.” When you and your partner are empathic with each other, you are as emotionally close as two people can be. As the poet Rumi said: “Out beyond ideas of wrong doing and right doing, there is a field. I will meet you there.”
“Love heals all” is a well known sentiment. And it can. It can even heal the deepest emotional wound of all—the ruptured connection between you and your parents. But it needs to be a specific kind of love. It needs to be a mature, patient love that is free of manipulation and distortion, and it needs to take place
within the context of an intimate relationship. Receiving empathy from a friend may be very moving, but it does not reach all the way down into your psyche. In order to heal the wounds of the past, you need to receive love from a person whom your unconscious mind has merged with your childhood caregivers.
within the context of an intimate relationship. Receiving empathy from a friend may be very moving, but it does not reach all the way down into your psyche. In order to heal the wounds of the past, you need to receive love from a person whom your unconscious mind has merged with your childhood caregivers.
WALKING THE WALK
WHEN HELEN AND I first contemplated writing a book about love relationships over twenty years ago, we saw it as text without exercises. We would explain the principles of creating a lasting, intimate bond, but we would not provide any explicit instructions. Today, we are glad that we changed our minds and decided to write a “how to” book. We’ve learned that people can understand all the principles we’ve just outlined and still have a troubled relationship if they don’t do the exercises.
Helen’s research in the field of epistemology, the science of “how we know what we know,” helps explain why. There are two different types of knowing: “Separate Knowing” and “Connected Knowing.” Here’s an illustration of the differences between the two. You have a “separate” or intellectual knowing of an apple if you can recognize a picture of the fruit, understand that it contains the seeds of the plant, or talk about its health benefits. You have a “connected” or more
experiential
knowing of an apple when you hold one in your hand, feel the waxy texture of the skin, smell it, and taste it. Separate knowing is abstract. Connected knowing is concrete. Combining these two ways of knowing can give you a more comprehensive level of understanding. You learn about the apple
and
you taste it.
experiential
knowing of an apple when you hold one in your hand, feel the waxy texture of the skin, smell it, and taste it. Separate knowing is abstract. Connected knowing is concrete. Combining these two ways of knowing can give you a more comprehensive level of understanding. You learn about the apple
and
you taste it.
The Holding exercise that I described earlier fosters
connected
knowing. Intellectually, you may accept the fact that creating a safe connection with your partner helps heal the ruptured connection that you had with your parents. It makes
sense, especially when you factor in your old brain’s tendency to blur the boundaries between people. But when you actually lie in your partner’s arms and tell your life story, you begin to react to your partner as if he or she were indeed merged with your caregivers. Then you begin to
experience
the actual healing process. You feel more loving toward your partner. You feel less anguished about your past. Healing is no longer an intellectual concept; it’s a spine-tingling experience.
connected
knowing. Intellectually, you may accept the fact that creating a safe connection with your partner helps heal the ruptured connection that you had with your parents. It makes
sense, especially when you factor in your old brain’s tendency to blur the boundaries between people. But when you actually lie in your partner’s arms and tell your life story, you begin to react to your partner as if he or she were indeed merged with your caregivers. Then you begin to
experience
the actual healing process. You feel more loving toward your partner. You feel less anguished about your past. Healing is no longer an intellectual concept; it’s a spine-tingling experience.
Helen was the first one to realize that she and I had not integrated our intellectual understanding of relationships with our daily behavior. We were great at teaching the concepts of Imago Relationship Therapy, and we could work wonders with other couples, but we were not reaping all its benefits in our own marriage. When we followed our own advice and stopped all criticism of each other, and then began spending more time practicing the Imago exercises, especially the Imago Dialogue, we were able to connect with each other on a much more intimate level. We were talking the talk
and
walking the walk.
and
walking the walk.
THE ESSENCE OF A CONSCIOUS PARTNERSHIP
IF HELEN AND I were to take all the insights we’ve gained about love relationships in the past thirty years and reduce them to their essence, we would summarize them in the following five sentences:
1.
Accept the reality that your partner is not you.
Accept the reality that your partner is not you.
2.
Be an
advocate
for your partner’s separate reality and potential.
Be an
advocate
for your partner’s separate reality and potential.
3.
Make your relationship a sacred space by removing all negativity.
Make your relationship a sacred space by removing all negativity.
4.
Always honor your partner’s boundaries.
Always honor your partner’s boundaries.
5.
Practice the Imago Dialogue until it becomes second nature and you can interact spontaneously once again.
Practice the Imago Dialogue until it becomes second nature and you can interact spontaneously once again.
Eventually, you will not have to “work” on your relationship anymore. The changes will become stable. You will have rewired your brain so that your new way of relating is far more comfortable to you than your old way. You will begin living in a different reality—the reality of sustained connection. You will look for ways to spend more time together, not less. You will begin to experience your differences of opinion as creative tension, as an opportunity to move beyond your isolated points of view. Your desire for sameness will disappear, and you will begin to revel in your partner’s “otherness.” If you happen to slip back into negativity, the pain will be acute. “Why on earth did we do that?” But the moment typically passes, and you will find it easy to get back on track and restore the sacred nature of your relationship. Your relationship will have become self-sustaining, self-organizing, and self-healing.
One reason that this relationship will feel so “right” to you is that it allows you to participate in one of the fundamental facts about the universe. Much of nature has a “dyadic” or two-part structure. According to quantum physics, each particle that comes into being is paired with another particle. Furthermore, each particle is both a point and a wave depending upon how it is viewed, which is why some physicists now refer to particles as “wavicles.” Sexual reproduction in the majority of species we know involves two entities; Noah included one of each on the ark. Our DNA splits into two and then generates the missing half. Our cells divide into two. Anthropologists tell us that in the creation stories in most cultures, people are first introduced as a couple, not as separate individuals. Physiologists tell us that our brains are complementary—right and left brain. Our language is binary: up and down, black and white, etc. Our blood circulates in oscillation between the right and left sides of our body.
A recent discovery in astronomy gives us another example of the dyadic nature of the universe, one that is especially appropriate for our view of love relationships. We now know that
most stars in the sky are not solitary stars like our sun. Most of them have a “companion star.” The two stars are attracted to each other by a strong gravitational force but are kept from collapsing into each other by an opposing centrifugal force. Helen and I like to think of two people in a conscious love relationship as companion stars. Each person is a unique individual ablaze with potential. One is just as important as the other, and each has a unique and equally valid view of the universe. Yet, together, they form a greater whole, kept connected by the pull of mutual love and respect. They mirror the interconnected universe.
most stars in the sky are not solitary stars like our sun. Most of them have a “companion star.” The two stars are attracted to each other by a strong gravitational force but are kept from collapsing into each other by an opposing centrifugal force. Helen and I like to think of two people in a conscious love relationship as companion stars. Each person is a unique individual ablaze with potential. One is just as important as the other, and each has a unique and equally valid view of the universe. Yet, together, they form a greater whole, kept connected by the pull of mutual love and respect. They mirror the interconnected universe.
New Jersey, July 2007
by Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt
IN THE INTRODUCTION to the first edition of this book written in 1988, I reported that
Getting the Love You Want
was born out of the dissolution of my first marriage, a breakup that compelled me to explore the mysteries of love relationships. In this introduction, written thirteen years later, I am happy to report a very different reality. Helen LaKelly Hunt and I have been married for nineteen years, and relying on the ideas described in this book, we have achieved its promise of “passionate friendship.” As we have been pleased to discover, being in a close and loving relationship is far easier than being in a strained or distant one. These days, our life together is surprisingly peaceful. But, paradoxically, it also resonates with a new energy, an energy fueled by our close connection. Even our middle-aged bodies feel more alive!
Getting the Love You Want
was born out of the dissolution of my first marriage, a breakup that compelled me to explore the mysteries of love relationships. In this introduction, written thirteen years later, I am happy to report a very different reality. Helen LaKelly Hunt and I have been married for nineteen years, and relying on the ideas described in this book, we have achieved its promise of “passionate friendship.” As we have been pleased to discover, being in a close and loving relationship is far easier than being in a strained or distant one. These days, our life together is surprisingly peaceful. But, paradoxically, it also resonates with a new energy, an energy fueled by our close connection. Even our middle-aged bodies feel more alive!
In addition to having a passionate friendship, Helen and I also have what we call a “passionate partnership” because we are allies in our professional lives as well. Indeed, Helen has influenced my work from our very first date. We began to court each other in 1977, two years after my divorce. Helen was completing her master’s degree in counseling, and I was a professor at the Perkins School of Theology. On our first night
out together, I remember telling her that I wanted to leave Perkins and move on to something else, but I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do. I talked about some options I was considering, which included an in-depth exploration of the psychology of the couple. I wanted to know why couples were having such a difficult time staying together and why they were so devastated when their relationship fell apart. Nothing that I had read in the professional literature seemed to give an adequate explanation. Helen was drawn to this possibility above all the others I mentioned and encouraged me to share my half-formed ideas with her. Fifteen minutes into our conversation she said, “The way you’re talking about the centrality of relationships brings to my mind the ‘I-Thou’ of Martin Buber.” Then she quoted a passage from Fyodor Dostoyevsky that she had committed to memory as a young woman: “The man who desires to see the living God face-to-face does not seek God in the empty firmament of his mind, but in human love.” “No, no,” I said, failing to see the obvious connection between my thinking and Buber’s philosophy of relationship or Dostoyevsky’s spirituality, “I don’t think my thoughts have much to do with either one of them.”
out together, I remember telling her that I wanted to leave Perkins and move on to something else, but I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do. I talked about some options I was considering, which included an in-depth exploration of the psychology of the couple. I wanted to know why couples were having such a difficult time staying together and why they were so devastated when their relationship fell apart. Nothing that I had read in the professional literature seemed to give an adequate explanation. Helen was drawn to this possibility above all the others I mentioned and encouraged me to share my half-formed ideas with her. Fifteen minutes into our conversation she said, “The way you’re talking about the centrality of relationships brings to my mind the ‘I-Thou’ of Martin Buber.” Then she quoted a passage from Fyodor Dostoyevsky that she had committed to memory as a young woman: “The man who desires to see the living God face-to-face does not seek God in the empty firmament of his mind, but in human love.” “No, no,” I said, failing to see the obvious connection between my thinking and Buber’s philosophy of relationship or Dostoyevsky’s spirituality, “I don’t think my thoughts have much to do with either one of them.”
Then, as now, Helen had sensed where I was headed, even when I did not.
In the years that followed, Helen developed her own passions, but she continued to be actively involved in my work. To some degree, she played the traditional supporting role—caring for the family, offering financial help, and being a sympathetic ear. But there were many times when she stepped outside those bounds and strategically intervened in ways that would prove to be pivotal. When others would accept my ideas at face value, she would question my thinking or, more often, challenge me to deepen my understanding. What I valued most, however, is that she always cared enough about me and my work to be willing to enlarge my view with her own truth. I can honestly say that every idea in this book was forged
within the crucible of our relationship. So when I was asked to write a new introduction to this revised edition of
Getting the Love You Want,
it was only natural that I ask Helen to write it with me. It was time to make her role as cocreator more visible.
within the crucible of our relationship. So when I was asked to write a new introduction to this revised edition of
Getting the Love You Want,
it was only natural that I ask Helen to write it with me. It was time to make her role as cocreator more visible.
As Helen and I began to reflect on what to write, we found ourselves overcome with a wave of nostalgia. We recalled the long years of research, thinking, and talking that had gone into the first edition. In the beginning, we had debated whether to start with a book for couples or write a more academic book for therapists. Once we had decided to write a book for the general public, we discussed whether or not to include exercises in the book. If so, which ones? The writing itself took several years. We remembered with admiration our writer, Jo Robinson, who helped give order to our thoughts and wrote with a lyricism and simplicity that remains one of the keys to the book’s success. We recalled our euphoria when the book was finally published in 1988 and then, to our great surprise, was featured on the
Oprah Winfrey Show.
Oprah’s enthusiastic support propelled the book to the
New York Times
bestseller list, far exceeding our expectations. The readership for the book continued to grow over the years, until by now the book has sold over a million and a half copies and has been translated into more than thirty languages.
Oprah Winfrey Show.
Oprah’s enthusiastic support propelled the book to the
New York Times
bestseller list, far exceeding our expectations. The readership for the book continued to grow over the years, until by now the book has sold over a million and a half copies and has been translated into more than thirty languages.
Helen and I also reflected on the groundswell of interest in Imago Therapy, the name for the couple’s therapy that is described in this book. Starting in the late 1980s, a growing number of therapists began expressing an interest in being trained in this new way of working with couples. Today, there is a thriving international Imago community of about 1,500 therapists practicing in thirteen countries. More than 150 presenters conduct approximately 400 Imago workshops each year. Twenty faculty members of the Institute for Imago Relationship Therapy train a steady stream of new therapists in a dozen cities. The combination of all this talent and energy has transformed
Imago into a movement that should become a significant force for social transformation.
Imago into a movement that should become a significant force for social transformation.
As Helen and I replayed these wondrous events, we realized that, at times, we feel more like onlookers than creators. We set the process in motion, but we do not feel wholly responsible for its continued success. We feel like parents who helped a child learn to ride a bike by giving a push and running alongside, but now watch in awe as that adult child finishes first in a race. We were there at the beginning; we gave the initial push. But the child has attained a degree of proficiency for which we are only partly responsible.
To what, then, do we credit the success of
Getting the Love You Want
and the burgeoning growth of the Imago community? The simplest way to put it is that we have managed to further a dynamic that was already in place. In the second half of the twentieth century, the old notion of marriage was no longer working for many couples. In unprecedented numbers, people were deciding they would rather go through the pain and stigma of divorce than put up with an unhappy or stultifying relationship. In the 1960s and 1970s, marriage itself came into question as couples began experimenting with “open marriages” and cohabitation, hoping that they could create something more meaningful by transcending the restrictions of traditional relationships.
Getting the Love You Want
and the burgeoning growth of the Imago community? The simplest way to put it is that we have managed to further a dynamic that was already in place. In the second half of the twentieth century, the old notion of marriage was no longer working for many couples. In unprecedented numbers, people were deciding they would rather go through the pain and stigma of divorce than put up with an unhappy or stultifying relationship. In the 1960s and 1970s, marriage itself came into question as couples began experimenting with “open marriages” and cohabitation, hoping that they could create something more meaningful by transcending the restrictions of traditional relationships.
But many of the people in conventional marriages were also searching for a relationship that was larger, deeper, and more meaningful than what their parents and grandparents had. Thousands of couples sought that “something more” in couple’s therapy. But the type of therapy that was offered at the time focused on the psyche of the individual, not on relationship dynamics. The underlying theory was that working on each person’s issues would create two healthy, self-actualized people. These two people could then come together and—with little additional effort or insight—create a satisfying love relationship.
This traditional form of therapy had a limited success rate—if one defines success simply as keeping couples from getting divorced. About two-thirds of the couples would fail to reconcile their differences and decide to go their separate ways. But even some of those who managed to stay together would express a need for more support and insight than they’d been given. Counseling had given them a better understanding of their own issues and had improved their communication skills, but their relationship itself remained a bit of a mystery. Despite all the knowledge they’d gained, they continued to act in self-defeating ways. What’s more, they sensed that their relationship held out a promise of healing and wholeness that they could not define, much less realize.
One of the reasons that
Getting the Love You Want
and Imago Therapy had something to offer these couples is that I, too, had experienced the frustration of being in a relationship that had not lived up to its potential. As I began to construct my own theory and practice of couple’s therapy, it was critical to me that I answer the questions that had arisen from my own failed marriage. One of my main realizations was that the two individuals in a relationship need to let go of the illusion that they are the center of the universe and learn to see each other as equal partners. (I think of that old saying, “You and I are one, and I am the one.”) There are indeed two people in the relationship. When two individuals surrender their centrality, something unexpected occurs—the relationship itself becomes the center. Once that fundamental shift occurs, they can begin to work with the unconscious purpose of their relationship, not against it. They can begin to accept the fact that being in an intimate love relationship calls forth all the unresolved issues of their childhood, and that they can learn how to work together to resolve them. We are born in relationship, we are wounded in relationship, and we can be healed in relationship. Indeed, we cannot be fully healed outside of a relationship. This is the idea that resonated with so many couples.
Getting the Love You Want
and Imago Therapy had something to offer these couples is that I, too, had experienced the frustration of being in a relationship that had not lived up to its potential. As I began to construct my own theory and practice of couple’s therapy, it was critical to me that I answer the questions that had arisen from my own failed marriage. One of my main realizations was that the two individuals in a relationship need to let go of the illusion that they are the center of the universe and learn to see each other as equal partners. (I think of that old saying, “You and I are one, and I am the one.”) There are indeed two people in the relationship. When two individuals surrender their centrality, something unexpected occurs—the relationship itself becomes the center. Once that fundamental shift occurs, they can begin to work with the unconscious purpose of their relationship, not against it. They can begin to accept the fact that being in an intimate love relationship calls forth all the unresolved issues of their childhood, and that they can learn how to work together to resolve them. We are born in relationship, we are wounded in relationship, and we can be healed in relationship. Indeed, we cannot be fully healed outside of a relationship. This is the idea that resonated with so many couples.
DETHRONING THE MARITAL THERAPIST
WITH HINDSIGHT, HELEN and I can see another reason for the success of
Getting the Love You Want.
It challenges another fundamental tenet of couple’s therapy, which is that the therapist is the source of the healing. In Imago Therapy, the therapist is transformed into a facilitator of the healing process. This does not make the therapist unimportant; in fact, the need for a competent therapist is increased. It’s somewhat like requiring an obstetrician to take on the additional role of a midwife. The obstetrician becomes a highly skilled aide to a natural process rather than a remote authority figure with all of the answers.
Getting the Love You Want.
It challenges another fundamental tenet of couple’s therapy, which is that the therapist is the source of the healing. In Imago Therapy, the therapist is transformed into a facilitator of the healing process. This does not make the therapist unimportant; in fact, the need for a competent therapist is increased. It’s somewhat like requiring an obstetrician to take on the additional role of a midwife. The obstetrician becomes a highly skilled aide to a natural process rather than a remote authority figure with all of the answers.
Interestingly, even though transferring authority from the therapist to the couple was a monumental change, we were not fully aware that this is what was happening until after
Getting the Love You Want
was written. Once again, it was Helen who first had the insight: “You’re dethroning the therapist,” she said to me one day. “You’re shifting the emphasis to the relationship between the couple, not the relationship between client and therapist.” I immediately saw she was right. Once the idea had been verbalized, we began to understand the significance of the shift. In traditional therapy, one of the primary healing mechanisms involves “transference.” Transference is when you assign to someone else either characteristics that belong to you (which is called “projective” transference), or characteristics that belong to somebody else: “You’re like my mother.” Once transference occurs between client and therapist, the therapist can use that misidentification in a positive way to help the client resolve issues from the past. Thus transference is a fundamental part of the therapy. The therapy is successful when the client “works through” the transference and begins to see the therapist as a distinct individual once again.
Getting the Love You Want
was written. Once again, it was Helen who first had the insight: “You’re dethroning the therapist,” she said to me one day. “You’re shifting the emphasis to the relationship between the couple, not the relationship between client and therapist.” I immediately saw she was right. Once the idea had been verbalized, we began to understand the significance of the shift. In traditional therapy, one of the primary healing mechanisms involves “transference.” Transference is when you assign to someone else either characteristics that belong to you (which is called “projective” transference), or characteristics that belong to somebody else: “You’re like my mother.” Once transference occurs between client and therapist, the therapist can use that misidentification in a positive way to help the client resolve issues from the past. Thus transference is a fundamental part of the therapy. The therapy is successful when the client “works through” the transference and begins to see the therapist as a distinct individual once again.
As you will see as you read this book, transference also occurs between couples in a love relationship. In fact, there’s no way to avoid it. During the romantic love stage, this is a positive transference. You imagine that your partner has many of your own good qualities and also the positive traits of the people who influenced you most deeply in childhood. Later on, as conflict emerges, you begin to project negative traits onto your partner. This is typically when marriages fall apart. “You’ve changed. You’re not the person I married,” you say to each other. In reality, what has changed is not your partner, but the nature of the information you’re projecting onto your partner. Imago Therapy helps you use this transference as a source of healing. This is very similar to the psychodynamics of traditional therapy, only in this context, the transference is between you and your partner, not between you and a therapist.
Some couples are able to resolve the transference without outside help. But like most people, you may need to work with a structured set of exercises or a competent therapist. The exercises or the therapist help create a zone of safety and provide the step-by-step instructions to guide you through the process. Like the millions of people who have read this book before you, you will find that reading the text and practicing the exercises will do this for you. If you require additional help, we are glad to say there are now many more trained therapists available to give you a hand.
CHANGES IN THE REVISED EDITION
WHEN WE REALIZED that this revised edition of
Getting the Love You Want
gave us the opportunity to make changes in the body of the text as well as write a new introduction, we read the book carefully, looking for flaws in the theory or changes that needed to be made in the therapy process. We
were surprised to discover that most of what we’ve learned in the intervening thirteen years has been an extension, rather than a correction, of what we stated in the first edition. One of the gratifying extensions is that the partnership dynamics we described in heterosexual couples applies to all intimate partnerships, regardless of their sexual preference. We are excited about our new insights, of course, and will be elaborating on them in a forthcoming book. But we want to reassure you that the center still holds.
Getting the Love You Want
gave us the opportunity to make changes in the body of the text as well as write a new introduction, we read the book carefully, looking for flaws in the theory or changes that needed to be made in the therapy process. We
were surprised to discover that most of what we’ve learned in the intervening thirteen years has been an extension, rather than a correction, of what we stated in the first edition. One of the gratifying extensions is that the partnership dynamics we described in heterosexual couples applies to all intimate partnerships, regardless of their sexual preference. We are excited about our new insights, of course, and will be elaborating on them in a forthcoming book. But we want to reassure you that the center still holds.
The only changes we felt obliged to make in this edition were to clarify some points about closing exits in chapter 7 and to enlarge upon an exercise in chapter 9 that was originally referred to as the Mirroring exercise. Regarding exits, we have learned how important it is to understand “closing an exit” as a process that takes time, rather than a particular action. The Mirroring exercise is now called the Imago Dialogue, and it has been expanded to include two additional steps—validation and empathy—which we had not discovered when the original edition was published. As will be explained in more detail in chapter 9, “mirroring,” or paraphrasing your partner, is an essential first step in exploring your partner’s reality. But by itself, it may not be sufficient to establish a profound sense of connection. If you can go on to confirm the validity of your partner’s view (“You make sense to me. You’re not crazy.”) and then empathize with his or her feelings (“I can see why you feel angry.”), you deepen the bond between you. Or, as I say to couples, you go beyond mere contact to connection and then, ultimately, to communion.
In our own relationship, Helen and I have been privileged to experience this transcendent state. We have also seen it manifested in the lives of couples who have been through Imago Therapy. We’d like to close this introduction by sharing some of their comments with you. A man who read
Getting the Love You Want
expressed his new understanding this way: “I’ve learned that my view of the world is no more true than my
wife’s point of view. In fact, when we combine our views, we create something more valid than either one of us can create alone. We both give something up, only to gain a great deal more. It’s been a profound change in our marriage.” A couple that attended a weekend seminar wrote to us to say that “issues that have baffled us for years make perfect sense to us now, and we can truly empathize with each other. Perhaps for the first time in our relationship of almost twenty-eight years, we feel safe. This is what we have always dreamed for our relationship, and we can hardly believe it is coming true!” Echoing their thoughts, another couple wrote, “What we have learned in your workshops and your books has been nothing short of transformational. We are in love again and marveling that this is so.”
Getting the Love You Want
expressed his new understanding this way: “I’ve learned that my view of the world is no more true than my
wife’s point of view. In fact, when we combine our views, we create something more valid than either one of us can create alone. We both give something up, only to gain a great deal more. It’s been a profound change in our marriage.” A couple that attended a weekend seminar wrote to us to say that “issues that have baffled us for years make perfect sense to us now, and we can truly empathize with each other. Perhaps for the first time in our relationship of almost twenty-eight years, we feel safe. This is what we have always dreamed for our relationship, and we can hardly believe it is coming true!” Echoing their thoughts, another couple wrote, “What we have learned in your workshops and your books has been nothing short of transformational. We are in love again and marveling that this is so.”
As so many other couples have discovered, if you take this book to heart and embrace the seemingly mundane exercises described herein, you, too, will attain a more loving, supportive, and deeply satisfying relationship. Imago Therapy is not just a theory of wishful thinking, it is a tried and true way to create the passionate friendship you’ve always wanted. As you will see, marriage is therapy—provided you honor its unconscious intent.
New Jersey, April 2001
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