Getting Over Getting Mad: Positive Ways to Manage Anger in Your Most Important Relationships (7 page)

I've heard that in Tibet, they have a saying: if you're angry then just have a long run around the house and when you come back, see where your anger has gone. I've tried it myself and it works. Studies show that physiological arousal of anger is reduced by physical motor activity. Anger is best released with some good physical exercise.

Running eliminates unnecessary torturous mental gymnastics. If you run fast, your breathing changes; if your breathing changes, your thought pattern changes. Thoughts trigger anger, so anger is then reduced.

As soon as you recognize that you're feeling frustrated, cranky, ornery, stubborn, hateful, or negative, get moving. You can figure out later what you're thinking and feeling. Before crankiness and frustration has a chance to explode from every cell, get outside and start moving.

Warning: If you are resisting trying one of these techniques, ask yourself, “What am I getting out of staying angry? Is there some kind of payback in it for me?” Anger and catharsis can become additive. Some folks get obsessed with catharting; I call them “rage-o-holics.” They make all kinds of mad gestures, and it's draining to be around them. They use their anger for gaining power, as a club over others. Catharting is not a goal; it's a means to a goal. Like a ferryboat, it takes you to the opposite shore. If you are always catharting and never dealing with the issue, you're in a vicious circle, on the verge of being known as a drama junkie and complainer.

One benefit of exercise is that it decreases the thoughts that fuel anger.

This is really important! You've been screaming, running, throwing a fit; your heart is beating, you're feeling the relief of a good workout. Now before you do another thing, find a comfortable place on the ground and sit down. Feel the earth beneath your body, holding and supporting you. Sink down to the ground. Touch the earth with the palms of your hands and feel how sturdy everything feels. Some people say that this is what being grounded is all about. As you're sitting there you're likely to feel safe and secure, knowing that the good earth is supporting you. What a relief when just a few minutes ago you were in a tizzy.

To get free of compulsive patterns, you have to create a kind of laboratory for yourself. The way to do that is to observe your own mind. By watching your thoughts, desires, and memories pass through your mind, you can identify the triggers for your anger.

Our minds are jammed with negative beliefs, thoughts, judgments, and grievances that can set the tone for the day. Notice how many times you point the finger at someone else by saying, “How awful!” or, “How horrible!” Or you scold yourself with “shoulds.” When repeated again and again, these short words cement our thoughts in anger. To let go of anger, you have to let go of these self-defeating phrases. Jaime placed a rubber band around her wrist, and for one week, each time she used a “should” she lightly pulled the rubber band. By doing this, she became aware of how much she was keeping herself under pressure and irritated.

Our words and thoughts create our reality. Instead of weighing yourself down with “It's not fair,” try saying, “It's a challenge.” You'll feel less defeated and consequently less angry.

While you're sitting on the ground, you might consider whether or not you're carrying around the destructive belief that you're not good enough. There are corners in our psyche that are so touchy that any real or imagined criticism can send us over the edge. This is especially true if we doubt our own self-worth, if we think that we're not good enough. When we feel unlovable even the slightest rejection can hook into shame. When that happens we do our best to cover up by attacking, ridiculing, and pointing the finger. Later, of course, we feel worse about ourselves, and the shame-anger cycle continues. If you feel ashamed when someone is even the slightest bit angry at you, there's probably a shamed-based hurt inside that needs attention. If you sometimes think that something is
wrong with you, you definitely need shame reduction.

Being outdoors lifts your spirits. While sitting under a tree, write poetry, listen to soft music, read Shel Silverstein to the squirrels. Walk into a garden, and suddenly you're in touch with another realm. Look at the flowers, smell the fragrances, hear the joy of birds singing, watch the peaceful swaying of trees. Sit quietly for a moment and take it all in. In a garden you can get sensitive, open, vulnerable, and available to natural order. As you pull weeds you become in tune with the rhythm of life and discover peace and oneness with the world. Whether it's a pea patch or an entire acre, there's a sense of connection and accomplishment after planting.

While sitting on the ground, create a laboratory for yourself. Witness the traffic in your mind, and discover what thoughts stimulate your anger.

Have you ever noticed that when you're angry, your entire body seems to tense up? One way we've learned to repress our anger is by tensing up. Tensing up leads to stiff necks, headaches, and tight chests. Staying mad is the opposite of relaxing. When you relax, you let go of the idea that you need to do something. You simply drop the whole notion of getting even or fixing what is wrong.

When lying on your back, your body starts to relax, and if you breathe deeply, your body will begin to quiver. Please allow the shaking and twitching. It's your body's way of releasing blocked energy. It shows that you're getting ready to open to healing, and it's a good indication that natural healing energy is flowing. As you lie there, notice that your back is being supported, be aware of whatever sensations you feel. Pay particular attention to the area in and around your eyes; let the built-up pressure melt away. Continue to notice your breathing.

Watch angry thoughts come and go without trying to influence them in any way. Don't try to change anything; when you notice an angry thought, such as “I can't stand her” or “I'll get him,” say to yourself, “Aha!” and let it go.

Imagine that the various parts of your body are inflated balloons. Your foot is an inflated balloon, your fingers are inflated balloons. Now imagine that all these balloons have valves and that air is being let out of these balloons very, very slowly. As you let go, listen to the sounds around you. The wind through the trees, the birds chirping, a dog barking, the sound of your breathing. Notice what you missed while anger stole your attention.

Lying on your back and releasing pent-up tensions is not the same as becoming a couch potato. A couch potato vegges out in front of the television in order to ignore what's going on inside. He may zone out for awhile, but his body stays tense. Turn off the television and count the people who love and support you. You are loved and supported by many people.

When you learn how to relax, you won't be able to stay mad.

Hold on and don't freak out with this suggestion. Yes, you read it right: Start kicking. While lying there on your back, notice that your body and legs want to move. Bend your knees and keep your feet flat on the floor, and start kicking. At the same time make two fists and pound on the floor. This is what we call a temper tantrum; many body-focused therapists recommend these techniques to clients who want to free themselves from all kinds of repression, including sexual. Rumor has it that orgasms can be better in a body that is not afraid of its own energy. Yippee!

Now, speaking of great orgasms, the same experts report that the people who will allow their bodies to express whatever noises come up are also better lovers. So with that encouragement, while you're on the floor, kicking and pounding, let whatever noise you want to make come out loudly. It might be a scream or a growl or deep sobbing. You can get the process rolling by pounding your fists on the floor and saying loudly, “No, no, no.”

It doesn't matter what noise or what words you scream, but that you allow the noise, the words, or the scream to come. Don't edit anything. There are moments when everyone wants to scream. Children seem to understand this—it part of their language. So although you may think that screaming is irrational, remind yourself that it's natural and good for your sex life.

If you've ever turned the water back on after the pipes have been shut off for a long time, you know what happens: the pipes make a creaky, banging, gurgling, clanging noise before the water starts flowing. Initially, the water comes out in spurts and is brown and rusty, but then the water gets clearer and the creaky noise lessons. Eventually the noise stops altogether, and pure water flows. The noise and the rusty water make way for the pure, clear water to flow once again. We are like pipes that have been turned off too long. For our energy to flow easily, before we can feel our sexy selves once again, we have to kick and make loud noises

A wise man once said, “Laugh and the whole world laughs with you; stay mad and you sleep alone.”

If you've ever been mad at a friend or a relative and then talked about it with everyone except the appropriate party, you know how powerful the process can be. You can build a case against anyone—even your dearest friend. Since Cain turned against Abel, sisters spread rumors against sisters, parents cut children out of wills, relatives disown relatives, in-laws wage war and gossip, neighbors sue neighbors. If you tell your side of the story without giving the other person a chance to tell theirs, you'll find plenty of people agreeing with you. “Yup!” they'll say. “He's bad, she's wrong.” You'll have no trouble justifying your position. Righteous indignation is like a snowball: when you're packing it on, it grows larger.

You can talk till you're blue in the face, but unless you're willing to go directly to the person with whom you're upset, you're only being sneaky. It's OK to talk things over with a third party as long as your heart is open to both sides of the story. While it's good to reflect on the words you want to say and how you want to deliver them, it's not nice to tattle, gossip, or spread rumors. When you're trying to fortify your position by pointing out how nasty your friends or family members are, you're being rather nasty yourself.

Changing a spiteful habit is a spiritual process of humbling yourself and asking for guidance. You can't transform a bad habit by willpower alone; you'll need grace and good guidance to do it. By accepting that you can't resolve hurt and anger on your own, you invite a greater force to intervene. When people pray, they often look to the sky for guidance and direction. The sky is very symbolic of Spirit, which is always present. Looking at the sky, you somehow know that all is not lost. In fact, when you can look up instead of down, you're beginning to find your way.