Getting Over Getting Mad: Positive Ways to Manage Anger in Your Most Important Relationships (19 page)

If your child has ever screamed at you, “I hate you!” you know how those three words can pierce your heart. If you're like most parents, hearing that come out of your darling's mouth can cause you to wonder where you went wrong. Some parents hear those words and scream right back.

When Stephanie told her seven-year-old son he had to come in for dinner, he screamed, “I hate you, I hate you.” She was appalled at what she considered his disrespectful behavior and shouted back, “Don't talk to me like that,” and sent him to his room. “Now stay there until you straighten up.”

A child's screaming “I hate you!” is not a reflection of your parenting skills, but rather an expression of the anger your child is feeling for not getting his way or for not being understood. If you snap back in anger, that doesn't help the situation. “I know you want to play outside, and I can understand why you're angry, but dinner is ready and you have to come in.” Then add, “Take a time out and when you've cooled down, come eat dinner.”

If hearing “I hate you” upsets you, it's best to talk about it after the frenzy of the moment has passed. The next day, in a friendly, upbeat manner you might say, “I understand that you were mad at me yesterday when you said, ‘I hate you,’ but in our family we don't talk like that because it's hurtful.”

Anger doesn't disappear just because you tell a child, “It's not nice to feel that way,” or “You shouldn't feel that way.” Marne told me, “My father would say, ‘Don't talk to us like that,’ and I learned quickly that if I continued to talk that way that I'd get in trouble. I stopped, but it didn't stop me from thinking and feeling.” Anger diminishes and loses its intensity when you accept the feelings. Then you can make the guidelines for behavior perfectly clear because your child will more likely be listening.

Fantasizing about how much you hate your parents is normal. Being mad is all right as long as you don't try to justify temporary feelings of hate with some philosophy or ideology. It's only when we hold onto our hatred by justifying it that danger arises. In my home, my counseling, and my workshops, participants don't ever give reasons for feeling what they feel. We just feel whatever we feel and we know that's OK. Nobody says, “How dare you,” or “You shouldn't.” Anger, hate, detesting, disliking—-as long as they are just feelings—open the way to love. But if you justify hate by saying, “I hate this person because . . .”—because their skin is a certain color, or because they believe such and such—then you're in trouble. The
real haters buttress their hate with some kind of philosophy.

A child will occasionally say, “I hate you!” but that doesn't mean that they hate you. Maybe they would like to hate you, maybe they think they hate you, maybe they're mad at what you're doing, but more likely what they're really feeling are outrage and the humiliation of being small and helpless.

If hearing your child say “I hate you” upsets you, give her another way that she can let you know when she is frustrated or angry with you.

Loneliness can be one cause for prickly, argumentative behavior. When a child screams, “Leave me alone!” either with words or with actions, it may be a sign of how badly he's hurting. When your child is behaving in ways that you don't understand, always look deeper than what you can see on the surface. If your child says, “Leave me alone,” and they bounce back feeling happy when you do, the downtime was what they needed. But if they are not refreshed by being left alone, then that's a signal that they're really longing for more connection, not less.

One of the biggest hurts for a preteen and teenager is social isolation. Diane knew that her eleven-year-old daughter, Maddy, was having a difficult adjustment to her new school. She didn't like it that Maddy was spending all her free time alone in her room, but whenever she made suggestions, Maddy snapped, “I don't want to talk about it.” Discouraged and not knowing what to do next, Diane decided, “She'll probably grow out of it.” Five years later, when they were fighting daily, they came for counseling. Maddy was talking on the phone all night and occasionally sneaking out to be with friends. When Diane understood the depth of loneliness that Maddy still felt, she was able to put the behavior in perspective. Instead of labeling Maddy a rebellious teenager and leaving it at that, Diane responded to the loneliness that still lingered. Once Diane understood Maddy's longing for friendship, they negotiated telephone hours and a curfew that would allow Maddy ample time for socializing and for Diane to feel comfortable too.

Children need opportunities to make friends. Teens report that it's often more difficult to make friends in junior high than in grade school. If you sense that your child is having difficulty making friends, guide him toward activities where he might meet other students with similar interests. Encourage after-school activities and team participation. Invite your child's friends to your home; occasionally include your child's friend on a family outing.

Parents frequently ask me what to do if they don't like one of their child's friends. My advice is that unless the friend is involved in drugs or alcoholic or illegal activities, it's best to allow the contact to continue. If they really don't have anything in common, it's likely that they will go their separate ways soon. Be grateful that your child has someone she can talk with.

Angry, aggressive kids are often scolded for being upset, then left to their own devices. Closing your heart and shutting down when your children are being naughty, angry, mad, and disrespectful leaves them even more isolated and abandoned. This is the time to stay open and be absolutely available. It's no big deal to stay close to a perfect child who is doing everything exactly as you wish, but the ability to give understanding to a child who is upset or not cooperating with you is what separates the real parents from the fakes.

Remember, when your daughter or son is wearing a prickly shield, instead of putting on a matching one, take your guard down and say, “Honey, I'm concerned that you're spending too much time alone. Can we talk about it?” And even if they bristle at your offer, don't let it drop too quickly. Bring it up again.

When your child says, “Leave me alone,” pay attention. If everything is going well in her life, some time alone is normal, but if this becomes a regular pattern, you must investigate further.

Some children put on an aloof and angry demeanor when they're grieving. Sadness can often appear as a gloomy, hostile, “Don't bug me!” attitude. Children and teenagers grieve the losses in their lives too. The death of grandparent, a pet dying, a playmate moving, a move to a new school, a parents' divorce, a breakup with a boyfriend, all are significant losses for your child or teen. Some children withdraw when they suffer a loss and will not let themselves get close. They fear being hurt again. They're more irritable and snappy. They appear cranky and sullen. Unresolved grief often leads to destructive relationships with adults, especially if the adult does not recognize the grief underneath the crabby, angry demeanor.

Children do grieve. They're society's “forgotten mourners.” Their feelings are as intense, as real as any grieving adult's. When a child is hurt, lonely, suffering, or grieving, he often appears to have a chip on his shoulder. This is when your child is the most vulnerable. Perhaps he's worried that something bad will happen to you or others that he cares about. When someone she loves gets hurt or dies, the notion of “It can't happen to me” is smashed, and she begins thinking, “It happened once; it can happen again.” Here again you have to be the feeling detective, to figure out what's going on so that you can respond with kindness and appropriate interventions.

Whether it's the loss of an acquaintance, a close friend, a relative, or a pet, show compassion for the loss by giving extra tender loving care. Comfort him and make allowances for sullen looks and short answers. Acknowledge the loss: “I'm so sorry your friend moved away. You must miss her very much.” Ignore the surliness, pay attention to the ache: “You're having a difficult time since we moved so far away. I'm sorry you're feeling so lonely.”

Bereaved children may show anger both at the person they lost and at you. Don't fault them for that. It's a natural response. When a death occurs, your child may “strike out,” not knowing what to do with his anger. When there is no understanding of the grief process and no safe place to vent feelings of pain and confusion, violent or reckless behavior may occur. Unexpressed grief can lead to a lifetime of undefined depression.

Children need significant support as they deal with loss. They are often pressured “to put it behind them” and “move on,” when what they
really need is to process the loss by remembering and talking. The key to healthy grieving is open communication within the family and the support of a social network. Let your child know that you care and that you are willing to talk openly about what has happened. Make sure the school knows what has happened and keep communication open with them.

A child who is given the opportunity to process her feelings of loss will feel empowered with the tools to handle the losses that continue to occur throughout life. Just as you tell your child that it is okay to be sad sometimes and cry, tell him too that it is definitely okay to feel angry and be mad sometimes.

Some children need quiet downtime to recover from a loss, and you can allow this as long as the connection with you is stable. You don't always have to be cheering them up or keeping them busy, but you do have to let them know how much you care. Stay connected, watch closely, and make sure they get what they need to heal.

Children need to know that you are okay. Often, children “protect” the adults around them, at great cost to their own emotional needs. If you are grieving too and cannot attend to your child's needs right now, ask another reliable adult who can respond for help.

A child who is behaving in negative ways may be dealing with a significant loss.

Physical activity helps when you're mad or are having a bad day. Kids can release considerable pent-up energy through play and exercise. Skipping rocks across water and watching the ripples is soothing. Throwing a ball and kicking a can around calms you down. When Claudia gets mad at her stepmother, Dad takes her to hit a bucket of balls at the driving range. On the way home they stop for a treat and talk about what's going on at home.

There's considerable debate on anger theory and the value of catharsis. Some experts think that expressing anger by hitting a punching bag, pounding a pillow with a bat, or taking your aggression out on an inanimate object is a healthy way to vent. Some studies, however, suggest that unless a child has an adult to guide them through the thinking process, hitting and punching is likely to end up making things worse. In my experience, children need a combination of physical activity, understanding, and problem-solving skills. They need you to coach them.

A client of mine, newly widowed with a twelve-year-old daughter, decided that to move through the pain they needed to participate in a physical activity together. Although she wasn't sure she had the energy, she signed them up for horse riding lessons. After each class they went out to dinner. This weekly physical activity and dinner ritual made it possible for her daughter to talk about how much she missed her Dad.