Get Smart 4 - Max Smart and the Perilous Pellets (16 page)

They reached the helicopter and leaped aboard. “Up!” Max commanded Lance Chalfont.

Lance Chalfont looked disturbed. “Up. Is that that way?” he said, pointing upward, “Or that way?” he asked, pointing downward. “I always get the two mixed up.”

A bullet whizzed by the plane.

“Never mind! I think I remember!” Lance Chalfont said, jumping into the pilot’s seat and grabbing the controls.

A moment later, the helicopter whirred upward.

A hail of bullets flew at the plane.

“They got us!” Lance Chalfont cried.

“Where?”

“In the left coconut!” Lance Chalfont replied.

“Is it bad?”

“Terrible!” Lance Chalfont replied. “When we get back to civilization, we’ll have to operate to get that bullet out of the coconut.”

“But can we fly?” Max asked.

Lance Chalfont smiled. “I don’t think we can,” he replied. “But, there ain’t no need for us to fly, anyway. The helicopter can do it for us.”

“That’s what I meant,” Max said. “Can the heli—oh, never mind.” He turned to 99. “Are you all right, 99?”

“Fine, Max.”

Max dropped into his seat, relaxed and smiled. “Mission accomplished,” he said. “Lance, you can fly us back to Headquarters now. There is an explosive planted in each of the several KAOS installations. And, it’s button-pushing time!”

“Max! We’ve done it!” 99 cried happily.

“Yesss . . . we were rather magnificent, weren’t we? I don’t see how we can miss getting medals for this, 99.” He opened the black bag and started to drop the gadget into it, then paused. “I wonder what this thing really is?” he said curious.

“Read the instructions, Max.”

Max read. “ ‘When trapped by group of KAOS agents, raise gadget high over head and order KAOS agents to Stand Back. KAOS agents will automatically comply. It is traditional that all secret agents cower against wall when cry of Stand Back is issued. Note: If occasion does not arise where you are trapped, gadget can also be used to supply between-meal snack. It is filled with jelly beans.’ ”

“R & D is thoughtful,” 99 commented.

Max opened the gadget, then extended it toward 99. “Jelly bean?”

“Thank you, Max,” 99 replied, taking one.

“Lance?” Max said.

“Never between meals,” Lance Chalfont replied. “I got to keep my figure. Ain’t nothin’ worse for the image than seein’ a fat, sloppy silent birdman.”

“Max, shouldn’t you contact the Chief?” 99 said.

“Good thinking, 99.”

Max took off his shoe and dialed.

Operator:
About time! Where’ve you been with our shoe, Max?

Max:
Completing the mission, Operator. Now, may I speak to the Chief, please?

Operator:
Not with those jelly beans in your mouth. It’s not polite.

Max:
Sorry about that, Operator, (sound of swallowing) Now, Operator?

Operator:
I will ring your number, sir.

Chief:
Is that you, Max?

Max:
Yes, Chief, this is Max (He Did It Again) Smart reporting. I guess I don’t have to tell you how the mission came out.

Chief:
Max, you mean you bungled again?

Max
(a little hurt): Is that fair, Chief? When did I ever bungle?

Chief:
Do you want me to read you the list from the top down, Max, or from the bottom up?

Max:
Neither will be necessary, Chief. Anyway, in spite of anything that may have happened before, this time I have been completely successful. A pellet has been planted in every KAOS installation. In other words, Chief, you can now punch the button.

Chief:
Not quite yet, Max.

Max:
Oh? Why not, Chief? Sore finger?

Chief:
No, that’s not it, Max. Frankly, I’d rather not discuss the reason.

Max:
Is it because—Chief! That KAOS agent who was planting explosives in the Control installations—was he successful, too?

Chief:
Yes, Max. That’s one of the reasons. Now, Max, I want you and 99 to hurry right back here to Headquarters.

Max:
Is something up, Chief?

Chief:
Yes, Max, something definitely is up.

Max:
Can’t you tell me what it is? Can’t you even give me a hint?

Chief:
I’d rather not, Max. This line may be bugged.

Operator:
I resent that! If you’re talking about me, I haven’t heard a word you said! Do you think I have nothing more important to do than sit around listening to a couple of kooks?

Chief:
I didn’t mean you, Operator.

Operator:
I should hope not! Incidentally, what
is
up, Chief?

Chief:
Sorry, Operator. It’s Top Top Secret.

Max:
Yes, Operator, it’s Top Top Secret. But, because you’re such a nice operator, I’ll see that you get an invitation to the ceremony.

Operator:
Ceremony?

Chief:
Ceremony?

Max:
You don’t really have to keep it a Top Top Secret, Chief. I have a pretty good idea what it is. Tell me, is it a round medal or a square medal?

Chief:
I haven’t the thinnest notion what you’re talking about, Max. But it isn’t important. Just get back here as quickly as possible.

Max:
I get it, Chief. You want it to be a surprise. Well, don’t worry. I promise that I’ll look surprised.

Chief
(wearily): You do that, Max. I’ll see you both later.

Max:
So long, Chief.

Operator:
So long from me, too, Chief. And, Max—

Max:
Yes, Operator?

Operator:
Congratulations. About the medal, I mean. If anybody deserves it, you do. Max . . . could I ask a favor?

Max:
Anything, Operator.

Operator:
Max, when you get the medal . . . will you wear it on your shoe?

Max:
On my
shoe,
Operator?

Operator:
We’d be so proud, here at the telephone company.

Max:
I’m afraid not, Operator. That would be a little obvious. A KAOS agent would see it and know instantly that I was a Control agent.

Operator:
How about
in
your shoe, then?

Max:
Sorry again, Operator. Too obvious. The KAOS agents would soon learn that Max Smart was the Control agent who limped.

Operator:
Max, if you won’t wear it
on
your shoe, or
in
your shoe, I have another suggestion.

Max:
Goodbye, Operator.

Max hung up.

“What did he say, Max?” 99 asked.

“Top Top Secret, 99.” He turned to Lance Chalfont. “Back to home base,” he said. “The Chief wants us at Headquarters as soon as we can get there.”

Lance Chalfont frowned. “Home base . . . is that up or down?”

“Straight east,” Max replied. “That’s ‘E’ on the compass.”

“Well, ding-dong, is
that
what that means? I thought that ‘E’ was for ‘Enywhere.’ ”

As the helicopter buzzed off toward the East Coast, 99 questioned Max again. “Can’t you tell
me,
Max? I’m one of the gang.”

“I don’t think I should, 99. The Chief wouldn’t admit what it really is. He wants us to be surprised. But I will give you a hint—it’s something that you couldn’t conveniently wear on your shoe.”

“Max! A medal!”

“Drat! You guessed it!”

Not long after that, the helicopter settled down at the airport in Washington. Max and 99 said goodbye to Lance Chalfont, then got into Max’s car and drove toward Control headquarters.

“We ought to work on our acceptance speeches,” Max said.

“But, Max, if we had an acceptance speech, the Chief would know that we weren’t surprised.”

“I don’t mean a formal acceptance speech,” Max replied. “I mean something off the top of the head. How’s this for a beginning? ‘A funny thing happened to me on my way here to receive this medal.’ ”

“That might give it away, Max. Why don’t you leave out the part ‘to receive this medal’?”

“All right. ‘A funny thing happened to me on my way here.’ ”

“You better leave out ‘on my way here,’ Max. Why else, at this particular time, would you be heading toward ‘here’ if not to receive a medal?”

“I’ll go along with that, 99. ‘A funny thing happened to me.’ ”

“Max, every speech begins that way. The Chief will know it’s a speech. Cut out ‘A funny thing happened to me.’ ”

“99, that leaves me with nothing.”

“Max, that’s it! The perfect length for an off-the-top-of-the-head acceptance speech.”

Max smiled. “I rather like it too,” he said.

A few minutes later they pulled up in front of Control Headquarters. They entered and hurried to the Chief’s office. Max knocked on the door.

“What state is round on both ends and high in the middle?” a voice replied.

“Is that the password, Chief?” Max called in.

“Yes, Max.”

Max thought for a moment. “Pennsylvania? It has mountains in the middle.”

“No, Max,” the Chief replied. “Ohio.”

“Oh. Ohio, Chief.”

“Come in, Max.”

Max and 99 entered the Chief’s office. The Chief was seated at his desk, looking somewhat concerned.

“You can pin it right here, Chief,” Max smiled, offering the lapel of his jacket.

“Max, I don’t have time to play games,” the Chief said sharply. “We’re in a state of tension here.”

“I thought you said the state was Ohio.” He looked thoughtful again. “Tension? How many states over is that from the state that looks like a poodle, Chief?”

“I don’t think that’s what the Chief means, Max,” 99 said.

“Oh?” He turned to the Chief. “What do you mean then, Chief?”

“Max, KAOS and Control have reached an impasse,” the Chief replied. “The race turned out to be a tie. There are now explosives planted in both the Control installations and the KAOS installations.”

“Then quick—the button!” Max urged.

“No, Max, we have to wait. A conference is in progress. The top men in Control, and in KAOS, are now in a meeting . . . with Him.”

“With Him!”

“Yes, Max, with Him!”

“This
is
big stuff!” Max said. “What’s the meeting about, Chief?”

“Well, Max, since KAOS and Control both have the means to destroy each other, it seems that both are in danger of being destroyed.”

“That adds up,” Max nodded.

“Consequently,” the Chief went on, “Him called a meeting of the top brass of both organizations and asked them to reason together. That’s what they’re doing right now.”

“You mean, Chief, they’re trying to think of a reason why they should destroy each other?”

“No, Max, a reason why they
shouldn’t
destroy each other.”

“If that’s all they need, I can give them a reason. It’s messy. That’s always an excellent reason.”

“I’ll remember that, in case Him calls and asks for suggestions,” the Chief replied.

“Chief, as long as we’re just sitting around waiting, can’t we get on with the ceremony?” Max said.

“Ceremony, Max?”

“The you-know-what. The surprise.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Max.”

“The m-e-d-a-l-s, Chief.”

“Max, make sense. Metal what?”

“Not metal! Medal! 99 and I are supposed to receive medals for successfully carrying out the mission.”

“I don’t know anything about it,” the Chief said gruffly.

“You don’t?”

“No. I don’t have any medals for you, Max.”

“Well . . . I guess
that’s
the surprise,” Max said disappointedly.

The telephone rang. The Chief picked up the receiver. “Chief here,” he said. Then, getting a response, he jumped to his feet and snapped to attention.

“It’s Him!” Max said to 99.

“Yes, sir,” the Chief said into the phone. “Yes, sir, that is, that’s wonderful news! Thank you for calling, sir.” He hung up.

“What is it, Chief?” 99 said excitedly.

“Wonderful news!” the Chief beamed.

“We know that,” Max said. “But what is the news?”

“Max . . . 99 . . . KAOS and Control have declared Peace!”

“Wonderful!” 99 cried.

Max looked glum. “I don’t see what’s so wonderful about it,” he said. “Don’t you realize what this means? We’re all out of a job.”

“On the contrary, Max,” the Chief said. “In fact, we’ll be busier than ever. We’ll have to hire more agents.”

“I don’t quite follow that, Chief,” Max said.

“Don’t you see? We’re at peace, yes. But, to make sure that we remain at peace, we’ll both have to make sure that the other fellow doesn’t cheat. That means we’ll have to hire lots more spies to keep an eye on the KAOS organization. And, of course, the KAOS people will have to hire a lot more spies to keep an eye on us. Him was very happy about that part of it. Him is in favor of anything that increases employment.”

“Wonderful!” Max cried excitedly. “Hooray for Him!”

“Yes, it’s a great day, Max,” the Chief said. “Just think—Control and KAOS at peace!”

“Yes, a great day,” Max agreed. “And, I think 99 and I can take part of the credit for it. After all, if we hadn’t planted those pellets that made it possible for Control to destroy KAOS completely, there wouldn’t be any Peace. We did a top-notch job. I wouldn’t be surprised if somebody decided to award us medals.”

“I wouldn’t count on it, Max,” the Chief said.

“Oh, well, the medal isn’t important,” Max said. “What is important is the sense of satisfaction one gets from knowing that he was responsible for the cessation of hostilities between two warring organizations.”

“Max, you didn’t do it
all
by yourself, you know.”

“I realize that,” Max replied, ambling toward the Chief’s desk. “Him played his little part, too. But, in the final analysis, I think it can be said—” Max sat down on the corner of the Chief’s desk. “—that—”

The whole room suddenly trembled.

“Hmmm . . . must be an earthquake somewhere,” Max said.

“Max!” the Chief cried, horror-stricken.

“Yes, Chief?”

“Max! You sat on the button!”

Max got up off the corner of the desk. He looked where he had been sitting. He winced. “Sorry about that, Chief,” he murmured.