Get It Done When You're Depressed (25 page)

Listen carefully to what the people in your life are saying. They’re often more aware of depression than you are.

I’m very honest with my nieces and nephews about my depression. I tell them the truth when they’re old enough to understand. They would be very confused otherwise, because on some days Uncle Cole can go swimming and play in the yard and help them climb trees and run around. I can
do
things with them.

When I’m depressed, I’m a bit more immobile. I tend to look at them and think,
What if something happens to them? They’re so beautiful!
This is a sad time, and I used to not come around on these days. I could feel that I was missing out on a lot, but the energy it took to act well was often too much. Finally, I told them I have an illness called depression and that there will be some days when I try but just can’t be as engaged as I want to be. Once, my nephew said, “Uncle Cole is sick today. We will have to play inside.” He’s 5. These kids understand.

Sometimes I just hug them and cry a bit. They deal with it just fine. Illness isn’t so scary if you talk about it openly.

I’m extremely open about my depression with the people in my life. I can do this because I’ve educated them on what a bad day is like for me. They know they’ll sometimes see me cry when we meet for lunch. They know I sometimes have weeks where I can’t work the way I want to. There’s little confusion anymore.

I used to be very negative when I was depressed. This really upset people to the point that I lost quite a few friends. I wish I had known what was going on. I just thought I was a … (you know the word!).

And I’m a very high-functioning depressed person. Because of this, the new people in my life simply won’t believe that I have trouble. They say, “There is no way you’re depressed! Look at what you do!” They have
no
idea.

Most people who have had a day or two of the blues or have lost a loved one have some sense of what depression feels like. But if they haven’t experienced clinical depression themselves, they can’t relate to the paralysis and duration of depression. Nondepressed people have a mind-set that “time heals all wounds” and that distractions work to significantly reduce bad feelings; understanding depression just isn’t in their repertoire of life experiences. They likely also have never experienced the physical symptoms of depression, such as extreme fatigue and trouble with thinking. Plus, minor bouts of the blues mainly affect emotions and thoughts and don’t create the profound biological changes you see with true clinical depression.

It can be very difficult for you to explain what you go through when depression strikes. It might be easier to say nothing than to face the lack of understanding you feel you’ll face if you talk to family and friends.

Of course, the other problem is that depression can either blind you to what’s going on or make you feel so totally helpless that even trying to explain your experience feels impossible.

By teaching people about depression, you help them find compassion and understanding so they can stop judging you and move on to helping you. Your behaviors they once thought were simply lack of will power, laziness, or meanness can be seen in a new light. This takes a lot of pressure off of you and gives you more space to work on getting better and getting things done.

Say the following when the situation is appropriate:

Remember:
The only person in your life who knows what’s really going on is you. By teaching your friends and family what your depression looks and feels like, they’ll be more able to understand and help you.

Crying is a very normal part of depression. If you didn’t know this, you might ask yourself,
Why am I so weak? What is wrong with me? I never cry like this!
It’s true that you might have never cried like you do when you’re depressed.

Crying can be embarrassing if you’re in a public place such as at work, school, or a PTA meeting. You might also cry when you think of all you have to do around the house because you feel so overwhelmed and frustrated that there’s no one to help you. Depression can create a cascade of tears that can be difficult to stop.

Both men and women cry more when they’re depressed. Depending on how you were raised and what society you’re from, crying can be seen as something cathartic or something embarrassing. Crying can be silent, and it can be large and noisy sobs. The amount you cry usually depends on the severity of your depression.

Even though crying feels like it will keep you from your projects, you
can
keep going until the crying stops. And it often does. You can paint, fix a car, get on a plane, and take care of children even when you’re depressed and crying. (It might help to explain to the people around you why you’re crying so they know it’s from depression and not necessarily from a catastrophe or serious problem.) Crying is often a physical symptom of depression and often, just like an allergy, you can work through it.

Think about your crying. Do any of the following signs that crying is caused by depression apply to you?

It may help to change your views on crying and see it as a sign you need help instead of something you need to hide from others.

Unless you’re a man, you probably don’t realize how embarrassing it is for men to cry. I once read a book on the differences between how men and women are raised. If a little girl falls down, she’s often hugged and coddled. When I fell down, I was told to
be a little man!

This now carries over to my work. I have actually felt myself start to cry when someone says anything negative about my work. Very, very embarrassing. I’ve never let anyone see it, though. I once went home and had to shut my bedroom door because I was crying so hard.

I still feel that crying is stupid, weak, and ridiculous. But it’s my life. I know there are some times I just don’t function at work the way I want to. People might say something and I can feel the tears start.
Be a man
doesn’t always work, but I still tell myself that. When I’m at work and want to hide in my office, I repeat it over and over to myself and the crying stops.

When I’m depressed, I have what I call a waterfall of tears. It’s as though the floodgates in my eyes open and a lot, lot more tears pour out than usual. This used to happen when I had to work with a difficult colleague. I also remember crying in college when the professor would say something about my performance in class. Once I talked when another person was talking, and the professor sort of chastised me. I had to put on my sunglasses, I was crying so much. I wanted to run out of the room. This is one of the reasons school was difficult when I was depressed.

When I’m not depressed, I work and attend class like a normal person. In fact, I don’t cry at all. Depression is so crazy and hard to understand. How is it possible that the same situation is so much harder to take when I’m depressed than when I’m well? Why do I cry so much? It’s embarrassing sometimes, but I can’t really stop it.

Crying is a sign that something’s going on. It might be a normal sign of depression, or it might indicate a problem that needs to be addressed immediately.

Crying likely serves several purposes. Crying is a distress signal. Babies do this, and their parents are alerted to their discomfort and feed them or rock them. Likewise, crying is a social signal that might elicit support from others. Crying has been found to bring significant emotional relief.

There are basically two types of crying. One is an aborted crying spell where you try not to cry. When you hold back tears it’s often accompanied by a flood of inner negative thoughts (e.g.,
What’s wrong with me? I’m crying like a baby
and other negative self-talk that generates shame). The other version is where you give yourself permission to cry. Rather than being self-condemning, you accept that crying is a natural and understandable human reaction to loss, disappointment, or significant stress.

Crying often leads to emotional relief for people with depression. Emotional tears contain the stress hormone ACTH (adrenocorticotropic hormone). The lowering of ACTH levels has a direct impact on the stress hormone cortisol. Cortisol levels are often significantly elevated in depression and have been found to increase depressive symptoms. If you decrease ACTH levels, cortisol levels also decrease. Thus, crying is a way to reduce the levels of this hormone and lessen depressive feelings.