Gertie's Paranormal Plantation: A Paranormal Romantic Comedy (4 page)

Chapter Six

Saved by a Stranger

I could definitely give Brad a blowjob. Other than a few playful kisses, I hadn’t attempted that particular task yet.

On the counter was a fresh bunch of bananas. I hatched an idea. I picked a banana and looked it over. “Hmm, I guess that’s kind of close in shape and size.” I peeled the skin off, closed my eyes, and tried to imagine that it was Brad’s cock. “They say practice makes perfect.” I opened my mouth and slid it in a little ways. I tried to imagine it being bigger around like Brad. Just the thought of his naked body and the idea of what I was planning to do got me excited…and I missed him terribly. I let my lips put just a little suction on the tip and moved it in and out in slow rhythm. Apparently, it’s desirable to have it inserted as deep as possible. At least that’s what I saw in the movies. I couldn’t get past the back of my tongue before I gagged. I concentrated and relaxed as I slid it deeper into my mouth. By that point I was dripping wet with excitement at the thought of Brad’s heavy throbbing member sliding in and out of my mouth. It seemed so profoundly intimate, not vulgar like the movies I saw. I pictured exactly how I would lay on top of him, my legs on either side of his head while I gave my sensual performance.

What was that number they called it? Fifty nine? Brad will just—

Cheer. A woman’s voice was cheering from across the kitchen. I’m fairly certain my brain made a fizzling noise when I tried to comprehend the noise from a new audience. Hands clapping! I opened my eyes and there in the doorway stood Randy with my fellow witch, Esmeralda. Actually, Esmeralda is more than just my fellow witch, she’s the closest thing that Marie Laveau has to a peer in the Witches Union.

I had that banana inserted like I was trying to scratch my tonsils. My eyes watered and I was engrossed in mental combat with my gag reflex. From the shocked look on Randy’s face, you would have thought that I just peeled my skin off and started jumping rope with it. Esmeralda, on the other hand, was giving me the slow handed golf clap. Then the inevitable happened. I gagged. It happened just as I attempted to carefully withdraw the fruit. The end of the banana broke off and lodged in my throat. I was choking.

The thought that I would die from giving a blowjob to a banana put me in a panic. I was suddenly transformed into the proverbial decapitated chicken that runs around in a frantic circle. My arms flailed and flapped. And God only knows how I managed to squawk out the most awful choking noises. A stranger, a tall, dark, and handsome stranger no less, grabbed me from behind. His hands clasped together to form a single fist and he expertly delivered a sudden thrust into my stomach. I remember how peculiar it looked when the former object of my oral fantasy flew from my throat. The head of the banana penis arced across the kitchen and landed with a splat, directly onto a dinner plate on the counter.

Randy made a slight bow. “Please, Esmeralda, try the appetizer,
Bananas au phallus
. It’s a house specialty.”

I gasped and coughed. My savior, however, seemed to be holding on to me a little longer than necessary. Randy was quick to my rescue and released me from the stranger.

Esmeralda seemed overjoyed at my expense. “The entertainment I get whenever I pop in on you two is just priceless. I feel like I have a free pass to Cirque de Idiots. I mean, really, it’s not every day you see a witch deep throating a banana.”

Randy shot Esmeralda a faux evil eye. “What are you doing running around without a leash anyway, Esmeralda? I really need to remind Marie to double check your kennel door.” He retorted as he helped me over to a chair and gently wiped my watery eyes. Randy and Esmeralda exchanged barrages of snark on a regular basis. This was nothing new and it was taken lighthearted enough, mostly.

“First things first. What is this delectable morsel doing here?” Esmeralda nodded toward the man that saved me. “You surprise me, Gertie. I would never expect
you
to be getting a piece on the side. You have good taste, though. I’ll give you that much.”

I tried to growl out a response but Randy took over. “Paalease, witch. Gertie wouldn’t go behind Brad’s back. No. This is the guy the home improvement store sent over to install a new window. He just walked in at the right time to save Gertie.”

The stranger wasn’t unpleasant to look at. I hate to admit it, but in all honesty, he was downright hot. Perhaps not as muscular as Brad, but he was very well toned and quite tall. He had the same dark, thick hair and sharp handsome features. His skin was just about as dark. I was just about to thank the man for saving my life when Esmeralda preempted me.

Esmeralda casually ran one French-tipped nail down from her collar and under the open placket of her button down shirt. Without even touching it, the top button surrendered. With more cleavage now revealed, she took a couple of steps towards the workman. A few of the lower buttons on her white shirt remained locked in a desperate struggle to contain her impressive breasts. “Hmm. So what do I call you?”

The man took a few steps back away from her. “Vasili, ma’am.”

Esmeralda actually licked her lips. “Yum. I love Greek men.
You
will be coming home with
me
. Katalaveno?”

“I’m sorry. I cannot. I have to work all day.” Vasili replied. He seemed to be a little nervous and kept moving away from Esmeralda. I suppose that’s only natural, considering that Esmeralda was acting like she was a hungry pit bull eyeing up a pound of ground beef. It didn’t help matters that Randy was walking behind Vasili and eyeing him up in an equally vulgar fashion.

Finally, I had a chance to properly thank Vasili. I gave him a hug and kissed his cheek. “Thank you so much. I’d be dead if it wasn’t for you.” I peeked over Vasili’s shoulder and saw Randy silently clowning around. He looked like a mime attempting to ride an invisible horse, or more likely riding Vasili. A flurry of giggles escaped my mouth.

“You’re welcome. It was my honor to save one so beautiful…” he took my hand and kissed the back of it, “and as precious as you.” Vasili’s deep and heavily accented voice made my heart pump a little faster. And I’ll be damned if I didn’t blush. Vasili turned around and interrupted Randy’s shenanigans. “I came to tell you the window job is done. I will look over the outside of the house.” He turned his dark eyes to me again. “And see if there are any other jobs I can take care of. Perhaps we will see each other again soon.” Then he just walked out of the back door.

Then Randy opened his loud mouth. “What? What was
that
? Whoa, Gertie. I saw that. You blushed.”

Esmeralda clucked her tongue and joined in with Randy. “Oh yeah. I saw that, too. I also saw how his eyes were looking into Gertie’s. I know that look. You better keep an eye on her, Randy. Or she’s as good as—”

I interjected. “You two are really having your fun now. The problem is that he was being a perfect gentleman with this thing we used to call
manners
. It’s obvious that you simply don’t understand that. And of course I blushed. It’s…it’s polite to blush like that. Sure. Why back in my day if I didn’t blush, it would’ve been rude.”

“What? Blushing is not a voluntary thing associated with manners. Is it, Esmeralda?”

“Of course not. And Gertie, when you caught your breath and made that tiny gasp when he kissed your hand, more manners I suppose? Remember I’ve been around for a couple hundred years longer than you have.”

“Well, of course they’re all good and very polite manners…Irish manners.” That was my story and I was sticking to it.

Esmeralda and Randy were both laughing at me now. Randy paused long enough to make me feel better. “Hey, nothing says ‘thank you’ like having a very vocal orgasm. Don’t worry, Gertie. We’re just giving you a hard time.”

“Not as hard as that Greek stud was thinking about giving her!” Esmeralda quipped. Their laughter rapidly built up to the point that Randy was in tears.

Randy took Esmeralda’s hand. In a cheap and over the top imitation of Vasili’s accent, he mocked the poor visitor. “It will be my honor…” then he made a loud lip smacking kiss on Esmeralda’s hand, “to shish kabob your sweet little ass with my pork sword.”

Esmeralda couldn’t resist and played along. “Oh my. And just wait until you see what I can do to a banana.”

“Oh all right. I’ll admit it. He is a very attractive man and he was being exceptionally nice to me. Not to mention that he just saved my life. But as you both know, Brad is the only one I want and he’s twice as good as that one.”

“Well, if you give Brad a blowjob anywhere as brutal as the one you gave to that poor banana, you just might want to keep Vasili in mind as a replacement.” Randy joked and I gave him a playful push.

“All right kids, back to business then.” Esmeralda smirked as she opened a leather messenger bag and took out a notebook. “First, here is the list of guests that have been invited to Leigh’s wedding.” She handed it to Randy. She then took a large book out and handed it to me. “Marie sent that along for you.”

“Oh? What is it?” I asked as I turned it over in my hands.

“That’s called a book. There are these things called
words
written on the paper inside. Sometimes these books have pictures in them.” You can always count on Esmeralda to seize even the smallest opportunity for sarcasm. “This one is full of pretty pictures of animals.”

The book was obviously more ancient than her. I gently opened the worn leather cover and glanced at the pages. “It’s a medieval manuscript of some sort. Randy, take a look at this. Every page has a weird animal, along with a description. I’m familiar with quite a few paranormal beasts, but many of these I’ve never seen or even heard about.”

Randy’s face lit up like he was a kid on Christmas morning. “Ah! I know exactly what this is. It’s a medieval bestiary, a book with descriptions of mysterious animals.”

“An encyclopedia of paranormal creatures? Wonderful! I can really use this. Imagine what we can come up with now. Not to mention, it’ll be a great reference if we should get some new or unfamiliar strays in here.”

“I’ve seen something like this before,” Esmeralda said. “Randy’s right. It’s an ancient bestiary. Just a few words of caution for you nimrods, don’t create any beasts that you aren’t familiar with. I don’t think Marie took much time to look it over. She came across it on a trip to Florence last year and thought you’d like to have it.”

“Careful is my middle name.” I placed the book on a kitchen shelf among a few cookbooks and some spell-books. I hoped they didn’t notice that Miss Careful ironically put the spell-book next to Red Hot Grill Out in Chicago, Birthplace of the Weber Grill. “Thanks for bringing it by. Be sure to give Marie my thanks as well. Would you like to lend a hand for a bit today, Esmeralda? I could use some help finding my Jay Spot.”

“As incredibly fun and interesting as that sounds, no. Besides, Randy told me that your fireman is going to be here later and you two have cooked up a plan to keep him here on the farm. He’ll become another creature for your collection I suppose?”

“I wouldn’t quite put it like that. But yes, Brad’s coming down and I hope he’ll be here to stay.”

“To stay? Hmm. Plenty of places to bury a body around here.” Esmeralda cackled. She took out her little broom and within seconds only a greenish vapor hung in the air where she stood.

“Randy, would you help me look around for that little goat? I’m sure he wouldn’t have gone far. I just don’t want him to go down by the bayou.” I straightened out my arms and used my hands to imitate the gnashing jaws of an alligator. “You know…chomp, chomp, chomp.”

“Sorry, Gertie. I’ve got to get back to work. We have a few more people looking for pets and I’d like to sort it all out before we sit down and go over things. I also need to look over the invitation list and see if I can get an idea on how many guest rooms we’ll need to have ready for the wedding. Why don’t you just go look for the goat with Brad when he gets here?”

“Oh, Brad. Of course.” I mumbled. Randy wandered off into the office. I know it’s strange to say but I was a little sad that Randy couldn’t go with me. It wasn’t because I wanted Randy’s companionship. No, it was because I didn’t want to be alone and even worse, I preferred that Brad
not
be along for my walk. The reason? Well, that reason bubbled up from some foggy place in my mind and it was truly despicable, at least for me. I was so upset with myself that I ground my teeth. I absolutely hated to admit it. I hoped Vasili was still working outside and I thought I might get a chance to see him. Perhaps I might have another friendly exchange with the mysterious Vasili. At the same time, I was disgusted by some remnant of Victorian manners that told me I shouldn’t go out on a stud-watching walk unescorted, lest I allow Vasili’s magnetism to get the best of me.

An image of Vasili’s dark eyes and the way he looked at me after he kissed my hand made my heart beat faster. “Darcy! Darcy!” Darcy slowly walked into the kitchen and rubbed against my leg. I picked her up and nuzzled her. “Darcy? Would you please claw my brain until these images of Vasili disappear?” 

“Meow. Meow.”

“No, you don’t get it. Vasili has a magnetism that is pulling me. It’s powerful. Disturbingly powerful.”

Chapter Seven

The Seduction

With Darcy comfortably cradled in my arms, I walked out onto my back porch. “Darcy, every once in a while, I have to remind myself that it’s not 1870 anymore. And you can bet your ninth life that I would never want to live under that social etiquette again. Pshh, I’m a modern woman.”

  It was an unusually balmy day for early January, even by southern Louisiana standards. I scanned the yard and decided that I should head toward the bayou first. As I passed the corner of the house, I heard something quite unexpected but in a good way. Whistling. Someone was whistling a strange tune that stopped me in my tracks. I think at that point I knew what, or who, I expected to find.

And there he was. Vasili was descending a ladder that was leaning up against the house. Of course, his shirt just
had
to be off and his beautiful bronze body gleamed in the sun. The soothing melody floated from his talented lips. Yes, of course, he had to have talented lips. I watched, listened, and became completely captivated by the way his muscles rippled and the way his jeans hugged his perfect ass.

“Quick, Darcy. Now! Yank my brain out and thrash it around like it’s an old paper bag. I don’t want to be doing this.”

“Meow.”

“
I
don’t even know what it is I’m doing. I think I’m turning into a…a harlot…a slut.”

“Hello, Gertie. I thought I heard someone behind me. What brings you here to me?” Vasili had just stepped down from the last rung. He wiped his brow with a handkerchief and stood there with his perfect athletic lean body. The waist of his jeans hung low in the front, very low, so low that each well-defined muscle of that delicious looking male area below the belly button was perfectly displayed. My eyes followed the lines that ran down to a place in his jeans that bulged conspicuously. I was considering the thought that perhaps he carried a can of shaving cream down in the front of his jeans.

“Sweet Jesus.” I mumbled.

“Meow.” Darcy reminded me that Vasili asked me a question. She then abandoned me by springing from my arms.

“Oh, yeah. What is it that brings me here to you? Umm.” My brain had shut down operations and my common sense was now halfway to New Orleans for the weekend. “I was just looking around out here, hoping to find my penis. Ach! I mean my goat. Did you happen to see a goat wandering around out here?”

“You know, I thought I may have. Just out of the corner of my eye. I didn’t get a good look from where I was.” Vasili walked right up to me. He was close, close enough to the point where I could feel the heat coming from his body. He was wiping his hands off on his handkerchief, as if he planned to touch me. Or maybe I wished he would. “I hope you don’t mind, but I noticed your rain gutter was barely hanging on. I replaced the straps. It’s good and solid now.”

“That’s…good. It’s good you know, because I would hate to have a problem with droopy gutters.”

Vasili’s deep voice became soft and slow and I was instantly lost in his eyes. Those eyes were really mesmerizing, like gazing into a dark bottomless pool. His eyes never left mine. He slowly raised up one hand and with a gentle brush of his index finger, he swept away a few long strands of my hair. Vasili leaned his head to my ear and whispered, “I can tell you want something from me, Gertie.” I could feel his bare chest against my arms.

“Yes.” I whispered, then I caught my senses. “I mean, no. Thank you for fixing my window and gutters and for saving my life of course. That should cover everything.”

Vasili took both of his hands and lightly cradled my head. At the same time his lips became an erotic butterfly that fluttered away from my ear and landed softly on my lips. I was paralyzed and my mind fought for a rational response. I didn’t pull away but I didn’t return his kiss. Darcy gave me her opinion of the situation, and in no uncertain terms, by delivering a swift painful bite on one of my obviously hardened nipples.

I pulled away and stared at Vasili in disbelief. As I should have expected, he unrolled another heavily accented welcome mat of sexiness. “Your eyes, they’re so beautiful, yet they are like ice.” It would be very easy to walk right up and kiss him.

“Oh yeah, like ice.” I chuckled. “You have
no
idea.” I wasn’t about to run away like some frightened child, or swoon like an awestruck teenager. But I didn’t want to exactly slap the bejesus out of him either. Let’s face it, when a hot, shirtless, and exotic stranger like Vasili—and I must point out that he was dipped in a batter of pure sexiness—throws all of his attention directly at you, there are some quick decisions to be made. For example, there is an impulse to jump on him like you’re a squirrel jumping on an acorn laden oak tree. I mean, it’s not like a passionate gift like Vasili gets handed to you every day. Hell, I’m willing to bet it only happens once in ten lifetimes, but there is the sobering and unfortunate reminder that there are
always
some inconvenient repercussions to that behavior. It comes down to whether you’re willing to risk the consequences. Unless, of course, the consumption of whiskey is involved. In that case, all bets are off.

“Listen, Vasili. You can’t just go around shirtless and whispering in girls’ ears and kissing them like that. It’s not…fair.” And you better believe it wasn’t fair, but it sure was effective. “I have a boyfriend.”

More Mediterranean sexiness poured out when Vasili lifted my hair from my bare shoulder. “Oh? I didn’t know that. I don’t see him here.” Vasili nonchalantly looked around. “Perhaps I could be your boyfriend.”

I took a deep breath. “Let me rephrase that. Even if I
didn’t
have a boyfriend, it’s a little presumptuous of you to think I am going to get all wobbly kneed and fall for your smooth…sexy…moves.” I coughed and stepped backwards.

Vasili countered my retreat by moving closer. He gracefully went around behind me and lifted the hair from the back of my neck. His breath was close enough that I grew goose bumps. I swear they touched his lips. “You have something I want, something I need—”

“Stop right there, Vasili.” I spun around and put my hands on his chest. Darcy jumped away from my grasp. I patted Vasili’s sculpted chest. “Now, I sure appreciate all of your attention. I certainly do. It’s very flattering, but…” My hands seemed to have told my brain to take a break. They had stopped patting Vasili’s chest and were now practically stroking him. I pried them away and quietly cleared my throat. “I really can’t. I’m sorry.” I walked away at a brisk pace. Darcy caught up to me and I returned her to the place on my chest.

“That. Oh,
that
was close. What got into me, Darcy?”

“Meow. Meow.”

“Maybe nothing got into me. After all, I behaved with the utmost maturity.” We walked for a minute. “Damn it. I can’t decide if I’ll regret pushing him away or if I’d regret it if I let him do what he had in mind. Good lord.” My thoughts had me crossing the yard like I was marching in an invisible army. “Something just doesn’t feel right about Vasili.”

I stopped in midstride. A pale corpse was laid out just off the back porch. “Oh my God. He’s a killer! He dumped a body in my yard.” I tiptoed up to the body. The features of the dead person’s face became recognizable. “Randy? Oh my God! Vasili killed Randy!” Darcy leapt out of my flailing arms. Cats always land on their feet, and all four of Darcy’s landed perfectly, claws fully extended, on the bare chest of Randy’s pale corpse.

Randy jumped in the air, squealing like a scalded pig. I nearly fainted. “You’re supposed to be dead!” I barked at him.

Randy swiped at the blood oozing from the fresh claw marks. “Supposed to be dead? That’s your plan? To kill me by throwing your rabies infested cat at me? What did I ever do to you?”

“No. No, I thought you were dead.” My shock faded and now I was just plain amused. “Or perhaps Casper the Ghost passed out in our yard. What are you doing lying in the grass half naked anyway?”

Randy was blushing. “For your information, I was taking advantage of this unusually nice day and trying to get some sun.” Darcy circled around Randy as if she were a skilled assassin ready to finish the job.

“Aha! So you were hoping Vasili would stop by? I see. Well, don’t get your hopes up, or your Randy Johnson for that matter. Let’s go inside. I
really
need to talk.”