Gertie's Paranormal Plantation: A Paranormal Romantic Comedy (3 page)

Chapter Four

Meet Randy Johnson

“Gertie?” The familiar clear and light voice calling my name could only be one person, Randy.

I should probably explain a little bit about Randy. That is if it is possible to explain Randy
Franchetti, also known as Randy Johnson. When I first met him, he was introduced to me as Randy Johnson and the name just stuck with me. I didn’t find out until later that he earned that as a nickname after someone found his cellphone and it was loaded up with pictures of his large throbbing erection, what he called his Randy Johnson.

It may seem a bit odd, but Randy lives with me at the plantation. He’s also my business partner and my friend Kelly’s brother. We live together but we’re only friends. It’s not because he isn’t a very attractive man, because he is. He’s sort of tall with an average build, light complexion, and meticulously groomed black hair, which is a bit on the long side. He’s a sharp dresser and the perfect person to have along when I go shopping for shoes or to suggest what colors would look good together.

After he stopped in here with my other friends last year, he was so excited about the possibilities for this plantation he nearly hyperventilated. Actually, he may have. In any case, I asked him to join me and see what he could come up with. Besides helping me out with the pet shop, he’s been working at making this place into a bed and breakfast for our fellow paranormals. I’ve also appreciated his help with catching up on modern slang.

He sounds like he’d make a pretty good boyfriend, now that I think about it. The only thing is that Randy is gay, or as he calls himself, my
cliché gay friend
. He’s also a witch in training.

“Gerrrr-teeeee…Hey!” Randy interrupted my thoughts.

“Yep. I’m upstairs.”

Rapid thumping told me that Randy had quickly ascended the large open stairs. His head poked in through my bedroom doorway. “Good. You’re back. I found out something today that I know you’ll be excited to hear.”

I patted my hand on the mattress. “Well, get over here and tell me. What is it?”

“Let me ask you this, Gertie. How happy would you be if your boyfriend could move down here from Chicago?”

“Beyond happy. You know that. There are only two problems. He’s a fireman and it’s not as if we live in a city that hires brigades of firemen. Even if there was a job for him, I’m not going to beg him to move here. I’d be asking him to leave his hometown, his family…what if he regrets it? Even a little? No. I’d rather just wait and see if he makes that move on his own.”

“Aw that’s bullshit and you know it.”

“Excuse me? I think it’s perfectly sensible.”

“The job, I can understand. But on your second reason, I’m throwing the bullshit flag. And another thing, when the hell did Gertie O’Leary suddenly become perfectly sensible?” Randy stood up and walked over to the window and pointed down to the marshy pond in the back yard. “You’ve got a pond full of manatees that you impulsively stole—”

“Rescued! I rescued them from that God forsaken, cruel Venezuelan marine life park.”

“Sure, rescued, just like the chimps from the research lab. And you’ve got Nessie-lite down in the bayou. My point is, that’s what you do. It’s your shtick. You’re impulsive, impractical, and even a little clueless. But because of that, you’re also an idealistic, romantic, starry-eyed dreamer that isn’t afraid to be herself, regardless of what anyone else’s expectations are. Last year we went to the farmers market and you wore lime green, knee-high, pleather boots and a pink, strapless,
lace
mini-dress. And were you walking a dog? No, you had an overweight, six foot long iguana on a leash.”

“Don’t forget my rose colored sunglasses and white beach hat!”

“Yes. How could I? Nobody in Thibodaux will forget that. Suddenly you want to fight that? Don’t. Please.”

“Well, no, I suppose I don’t. But Burt really needed the exercise.”

“You see, Gertie, we’ve got something in common. Can you guess what that is?”

“We both like pineapples on pizza and we both like hot men?”

“Exactly! I mean, sort of. Because of that, I’ve learned that to be happy, I have to be who I really am.”

“You’re right. I know how hard it can be to reveal a pineapple pizza obsession.” I winked at Randy. Of course, I knew what he really meant.

“Oh yes. Occasionally, you can be a little bit of a smart-ass. I forgot to mention that attribute. I think Esmeralda and Kelly are rubbing off on you.”

“No, they haven’t. Not yet anyway. Not that there’s anything wrong with it…you know, if they wanted to rub off on me. I’m pretty sure that would be something they would be interested in. I’ve never considered it actually, so I can’t say I’m completely opposed to the idea. I’d have to think about it.” I tried to picture how that would work.
Rubbing off on me. Rubbing off...on me.
I pictured Randy’s sister, Kelly, on top of me. I laughed out loud at the scene playing out in my mind. I raised my hand. “I have a question. Would it require my participation? Or would I just lay there?”

“What? What the hell are you talking about?” Randy gave me this terribly puzzled look, like I just took my brain out and kicked it through the window. “Was that because I said they were
rubbing off
on you?”

“Uh huh.” I nodded sheepishly.

Randy laughed. “Oh Gertie, you naïve and kinky little sick puppy! It’s just a figure of speech. It means they are influencing you.” He paced back and forth in front of me, one index finger pointing up and one hand behind his back. He was like a plaid version of a TV legal drama defense attorney. “Anyway, I’ve got a plan to get your Brad down here. I was reading the paper this morning and I saw an announcement. There’s one opening for a firefighter over in Thibodaux.”

“I don’t know, Randy. There’s no guarantee he’d get hired.”

Randy now faced me and held both hands out. He was ready to make his case. “I know it’s unlikely that they would hire some outsider, especially someone from Chicago.” Randy pointed his finger at me. “But
that’s
where witchcraft comes in. You can even sprinkle a little more magic that would make him not have any regrets about staying here. He loves you anyway, so I really can’t imagine that would be an issue.”

I knew it. Randy’s idea would require me to cast a spell and break a promise. “Hold on, Randy. There’s one problem. I made a solemn promise to Leigh that I wouldn’t use witchcraft to get Brad to come down and stay here. I can’t go back on my word.”

“That’s ridiculous! Leigh’s been a fountain, no, an erupting geyser of half-assed spells that have sprayed catastrophe on every man she knows. And yet, she made you promise
that
?” Randy was now being downright theatrical.

“She did. A promise is a promise. It’s ironclad and unbreakable as far as I’m concerned.” I crossed my arms in front of me.

Randy’s eyes squinted and he leaned in toward me. “In detail, tell me
exactly
what you promised.”

“I promised not to cast any spells on Brad to make him move down here. I promised that if he came down, it would be of his own free will.”

Randy’s eyes opened wide. “Bingo! You promised not to cast a spell on Brad to physically come down here. It’s clear to me that you didn’t say anything about making him
stay
here. Move and stay are two different things.”

“Randy, you’re a genius and you would make a great lawyer…or salesman. But I have to wonder what’s got you so motivated to get Brad to stay here.”

“You, Gertie. You. Actually, the absence of you. Whenever you go away to visit Brad in Chicago, I’m up to my earlobes in God only knows what creatures are running around here. Especially annoying are the howling Sasquatches, fire breathing dragons, and cats. Five fucking hundred cats, Gertie! You’ve been able to use magic to handle these things. I’m just learning my magic.”

I laughed at how Randy was pulling on his hair over the paranormal pets. “Aw, Randy. And to think you only had my happiness in mind.” I playfully poked him with one finger. “How long do we have before they hire someone?”

“Last day of January. It gives us three weeks to figure it out. What do you say, Gertie?”

I was getting excited about the prospect of having Brad with me all the time. “Let’s do it! I’ll think of something. Don’t forget we are having Leigh and Hunter’s wedding here on Valentine’s Day. Hopefully the girls will get in touch soon on the plans for that.”

“Oh, I haven’t forgotten about the wedding. I’ve been trying to get every spare room in this mansion ready for guests. Say, how did that appointment with the shrink go today?”

“Weird. Too short, really. I talked a lot about myself and I have to keep a journal now. I was more than a little surprised that I didn’t get a physical exam. In the end, I got what I went in there for.”

Randy pulled his chin back, like he does when I say something unusual or surprising. “A physical exam? I wouldn’t have expected to get one at all. I don’t think they do that sort of thing. Oh, I almost forgot. I saw that one of your animals took out a window last night. I’ll make some calls and get someone out here to repair it. Who was the culprit? One of the Sasquatches?”

“Some stray goat I found wandering around late yesterday. If you look in the cow shed, you’ll see him.”

Randy shook his head. “No, I was out there earlier this morning to let the cows out. There was no goat.”

“What? That sneaky little devil.”

“Talk to you later.”

After Randy walked out of the door, I immediately thought about Brad.

It had only been three weeks and the daily calls just weren’t enough. Something had to give and Randy’s plan was right on time, or maybe I was just emotionally vulnerable enough to get talked into it.

I watched the rosy glow in my bedroom window. It’s my opinion that a beautiful sunset is always a joy to behold, but when you’re missing someone, it’s also a sad reminder of the lonely night ahead. As the last burgundy ray faded to black, I resolved myself to bring Brad to Louisiana. And making sure it was going to be a one way trip. Witchcraft, of course, was a tool of last resort, but I kept my options open.

Chapter Five

Spinning the Moral Compass

“Try again. This sound, heh…heh.”

The Sasquatch seated across from me rolled his eyes. I arched my eyebrows and mouthed the sounds to encourage him. In a few seconds he grunted out short sounds. “Ha! Ha! Heh, heh.”

I’ve made a few observations on the North American Sasquatch, or Bigfoot, ever since the first of several pairs came to the plantation. They’re big. By that I mean it’s not just their eight foot height, it’s their quite rotund body shape. They also smell pretty bad, but if given the chance to clean up, they really enjoy it. Once a week we sneak a few of them down to the self-service car wash on the edge of town. Under the cover of darkness of course. It’s a real hoot to watch them carrying on. If you ever get a chance to experience the joy of Sasquatch bathing, I recommend wearing a complete ensemble of raingear. Sadly, their long shaggy fur only comes in one color. Cinnamon. They are also smarter than they look, precisely why I began speech lessons.

“Good! Now, one more time. Heh, hell, oh. Hello. Go on, Wills, say hello.”

Wills found his voice and it was loud. The kind of loud that makes your ribcage vibrate. “Hah! Hah! Oh! Oh!” His huge feet hit the floorboards in celebratory stomps. The thunderous sound resonated through the floorboards. I winced with every WHOMP WHOMP WHOMP. My reaction seemed to spur Wills on. He stomped harder and shouted his attempted lesson in greetings. “Hell no! Hell no!” Little pieces of plaster fell from the ceiling like volcanic ash. My stainless steel hanging pot-rack, laden with copper cookware, spun in a wobbly orbit above the kitchen island. The thing became a nightmarish disco ball that produced a sound like Hell’s wind chimes. The table shook and my ceramic salt and pepper shaker chickens danced a frenzied Irish jig right onto the floor. The beast shouted again, “Hell no! Hell no!”

“You’re saying it wrong. Say ‘hello’ not ‘hell no’! Try again.”

“No!”

At that point, I could only hang my head in exasperation. I’d spent months trying to get my male Sasquatch, William, to say “Hello”. Teaching him to talk had been going a lot slower than I hoped. Still, it was encouraging to see that William was putting forth an effort of sorts.

Another loud crash interrupted my training session. The noise was the sound of Randy falling over a chair and dodging a pair of cats. “Gertie! Are you all right?” He yelled while he found a path out of our office. I use the term
office
quite loosely. It’s really just a small cramped room with a computer and a printer precariously perched atop of still unpacked boxes. “What the hell is going on? Wills throwing another fit?”

“Good morning to you, too, Randy. Nothing’s wrong, really. He’s just getting frustrated with the lessons. I think he wants to go back outside to be with his mate, Kate.” At least I hoped nothing was actually
wrong
with William
.

“I don’t think teaching them anything is a smart move. I’m always afraid those miserable things are going to go all Planet of The Apes on us. They give me the creeps, the way they stare at you. Expressionless. Unless the I’m-gonna-rip-your-lungs-out-and-use-them-for-slippers look is an expression. And all they do is copy what you say…like a big hairy parrot that smells like—”

William stomped his feet and made a menacing, throaty growl. “Arrrrrgh.”

Randy slowly stepped back away. “Okay, okay. Just calm down, Wills. You know I was just kidding.”

I took William’s big meaty paw—er, hand. “Shh…it’s okay. He was going to say you smell nice.” I stroked the back of his furry mitt. “Right, Randy?”

“Uh, yeah. He smells nice. Like a flower.” Randy eyed the Sasquatch cautiously. “Hey, William, you should go back outside and groom Kate…or do whatever.” Randy waved his hand at my furry student. “Okay, William. Bye-bye. Go on now, shoo.” William stood up, grunted, and nabbed a bowl of apples from the counter. The tall Sasquatch gingerly bent over to get through the door, where he stopped to scratch his ass before continuing on his merry way.

“So, what are you working on today, Randy?”

Randy held up a sheet of paper. “Just a little bookkeeping. We’ll have to start thinking about expenses. This old plantation is sucking up money like a politician’s mistress. I’d like to open half the house up for that bed and breakfast idea we talked about. Hopefully by this summer.”

“But wouldn’t that be even more of an expense? To get it ready?”

“Not really, we’d be raking in plenty of money in such a short time, it could pay off any short term loans we’d take out. Think about it. Most of the witches we’ve met are quite wealthy and have old fashioned vacation preferences. This old mansion is exactly the kind of place they would choose to stay at. And what a great way for your paranormal pets to meet up with someone willing to adopt them.”

“When you put it like that, it sounds like a great idea.”

“We could use some more help here before I can take the time to focus on the bed and breakfast plan. Even if you do get your apes to talk, I don’t think we’d ever be able to rely on them to help us out with chores. And the locals are afraid to come here. I spent over an hour calling around to find someone willing to repair the busted window. Just one more good reason for you to get Brad to move in…did you give any more thought to bewitching your boy into moving to the plantation?”

“As a matter of fact, I did. I even called Brad this morning. He’s off work from this afternoon until tomorrow night. I’m just going to have a heart-to-heart talk with him. It’s time for us to talk about where we’re going with our relationship. I have to tell him that I would like him to move in with me. I can’t stand just drifting along, hoping and wishing. I’ll even tell him about the job opening down here. I think with his experience he would get hired in a heartbeat.”

Randy crossed his arms and leaned against the kitchen counter. I knew he doubted my plan. “That sounds fine. You should be aware of one thing. Oftentimes, when someone isn’t ready for a relationship to go to the next level, and they are confronted with a request like the one you’re about to lay on Brad…well, it’s been my experience that they get scared.”

“Scared? What could be scary about love?”

“Commitment. It scares the hell out of some people. I just want you to know that there is a risk. Brad might not be ready for this. The result? Bam! Out the door. Adios, arrivederci, auf wiedersehen, adieu, see ya. Get what I’m saying?”

“No. No way. Brad and I are in love. I know it. The worst that could happen is he would say that it’s not time for him yet. He would never break up over it.” My eyes dropped to the floor. “Would he?”

“Gertie, without risk, there is no reward. But with a little witchcraft, you can remove that risk. Just saying.”

Randy had planted some seeds of doubt. “Any idea on how I could reduce that risk
without
witchcraft?” I asked.

“I don’t know. Give him a blowjob? Other than witchcraft or monetary bribes, a blowjob is the next most powerful thing there is. But not just any blowjob. You’ve got to bring him to the tipping point and make it last.”

“Really? It’s that big of a deal for a guy?”

“I’m just going to assume that Brad has gone down on you. And I’m going to assume you think it’s just about the best feeling you’ve ever had. Am I right?”

“Yes and hell yes!”

“So he probably feels the same way when you go down on him. The trick to making it work in your favor is to take your time. Tease him and get him right to the tipping point, so to speak. Keep doing it until it just about kills him. That might be a good time to mention a few words about how nice it would be if he could be with you here full time.”

“Okay, Randy. I need to point out two things. First of all, if Brad were to start and stop, start and stop, frustration would overpower ecstasy. Sounds like a mood killer to me. Secondly, I’ve never given him a blowjob. You’re suggesting some expert level skills here.”

“Whoa! Never? Really? You’re kidding. Brad has never asked for it, or even hinted?”

“Not kidding. Never.” I pointed to myself. “A century as a Gertiesicle, I pretty much missed out on that whole sexual revolution thing. And you know Brad is my first and only lover. When Brad and I make love, it just sort of unfolds. He’s never said anything about wanting
that
. But I’ll tell you one thing, I’m not much for getting bossed around and if a man told me what to do or not to do in bed, it would make it seem like I’m punched-in on the factory clock. Jesus, just the thought of it gives me the chills.”

“Relax, Gertie. It was just a suggestion. But you should know you have some serious untapped power. Sexual power.”

“Ugh. When you say it like that, it makes it sound creepy. When I think of sex, I think fun, passion, love and tenderness. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve seen blowjobs in the porn movies…when Kelly and Lindsey decided to give me their sex education lessons, they showed me some movies. I’ve definitely
thought
about giving Brad a blowjob, but that’s about it. It doesn’t appear to be all that fun, but it doesn’t look too terribly difficult.”

“Porn movies. Right. Well, try to remember that just because you’ve seen the trapeze act at the circus doesn’t make you an acrobat. Listen, just forget what I said about that and throw a hex on his ass. Now I’m going to check if that guy is coming soon to get that window replaced.”

Randy left the room before I could ask him what the circus had to do with sex.