Geronimo (A Songbird Novel) (16 page)

Chapter Twenty-Nine

Jane

The LA streetlights glimmered beneath me. I stared out the window, my eyes sore and puffy from the constant stream of tears. My head was pounding, my body ached.

It was like losing Blake all over again. That heart-wrenching shock…that inability to think past the numb realization that the thing you loved most in the world was gone.

I knew it’d been too good to be true.

My happiness died with Blake, and then in some cruel twist of fate, I fell for the wrong man.

The plane touched down and I got out as fast as I could.

People had been turning to check on me throughout flight, and I just wanted to be away from strangers and people who would never understand.

By the time I reached a taxi, I was a quaking mess again, tears making my belly jerk and quiver. The driver was merciful enough not to talk to me. He tried to ask me if I was okay, but I practically screamed at him that I couldn’t talk about it.

He shut up after that, left me alone with my tears.

Halfway home, when I felt like I was drowning, I diverted him to Sarah’s place then accidentally paid him fifty dollars extra. When he tried to call me back, I just hollered at him to keep the change. My voice was high and screechy. I barely recognized it as mine.

Stumbling down the path, I reached my best friend’s front door and didn’t even knock.

I just barged in.

Justin and Sarah were standing in each other’s arms in their small living space, swaying to “The Luckiest.” It was like a bitch slap. Blake and I used to love that song. He used to sing it to me sometimes…and now he was gone.

Killed by Harry’s girlfriend. 

As soon as I slammed the door shut, my friends stopped and spun to face me. Sarah’s sweet smile vanished, her large eyes taking me in.

“Oh no,” she whispered. “What happened?”

Sucking in a shaky breath, I steadied myself against the back of the dining room chair. “His girlfriend killed Blake.”

“What?” Sarah gasped.

“The car. She was driving the car that killed him.” I covered my mouth with my hand and started ugly crying again.

Neither of them said anything. How could they? What was there to say?

Harry and I had both lost the loves of our lives because they’d killed each other. And both of us blamed the other. How could we possibly be together now?

The thought made my stomach jerk and I unleashed another loud sob, my knees buckling.

I should have hit the floor.

But I didn’t.

Justin caught me under the arm and pulled me against him, wrapping his arms around me and cradling the back of my head as I pressed my forehead into his shoulder and sobbed. “Unsteady” by the X Ambassadors played in the background, covering us like a blanket.

As the chorus kicked in, Sarah’s arms snaked around me too. I could feel her tears on my arm as she leaned against me and cried like only a best friend could.

Chapter Thirty

Harry

“It’s So Hard To Say Goodbye” was the only sound in my room. Jason Mraz’s voice wafted from my speakers—haunting and lonely.

I still couldn’t feel anything. All I could do was think.

Remember.

The song made me relive Tammy’s funeral. I’d carried her coffin out of the church while the song played. I’d walked past tears and whimpers, trying to stand tall against them all, already deciding to get completely plastered the second I got home. I’d had a bottle of vodka waiting.

Guilt had ravaged me, eating away at my insides until time had dulled the pain.

But sitting in my room staring at Tammy’s old books and photos, my eyes darting from her smiling face to the black-and-white article that continued to destroy me…the pain felt fresh again. New and damaging.

I was grieving two women now.

The one from the past and the one who was supposed to be in my future.

“Cruel twist of fate” seemed like an understatement.

A creak on the stairs made me look up at my door. It opened with a long, slow whine to reveal Nan. The walking stick she was leaning against quivered as she laid her weight into it.

“Nan.” I jumped up. “What are you doing down here? You could have fallen.”

I raced over to her and guided her to the couch. She plopped into it then gave me a sad smile. “I couldn’t well leave you down here on your own, drowning in your misery.”

I huffed and wiped my hand under my nose then plonked back onto the floor. “I’m fine, Nan.”

“That would be a lie,” she muttered.

I huffed and scratched my greasy hair. “What do you want me to say?”

“Whatever you need to.” Her trembling hand rested on the arm of the couch. “We all know what bottling it up does for you and I won’t let you do it, Harry. You are not to go back to sleeping with all them girls and drinking your life away.”

“I won’t, Nan,” I assured her, unwilling to admit the temptation. I’d never have called myself an alcoholic. I was able to give up the bottle with relative ease. Work had become my new drug…and then Jane.

Jane.

The name whispered through my mind, a soft, aching reminder of what I’d lost.

Nan gently prodded my knee with her walking stick. “Can I ask you something?”

I nodded without thinking.

“What’s your biggest regret you’ve ever had? And don’t answer quickly, now. I want you to really think about it.”

I held my breath then let out an irritated huff. I didn’t want to play her game. I didn’t want to think about regrets.

She lightly tapped my foot with her walking stick, giving me a pointed look. Her hazel eyes were sharp like an eagle’s, and I’d never get away with not answering.

“Uh…” I puffed out a breath. “I guess, not asking Tammy to marry me. I could have made her happy while I had her.” Picking up her photo, I brushed my thumb over the dimple on her cheek and then placed the image down next to the newspaper article. I hadn’t read the thing in months. If I had, would I have figured it out sooner?

“That’s a pretty big regret to live with.”

“It is.” I nodded.

“So, why are you sitting on your arse making another one?”

My eyes bulged as I looked up at my nan. “What?”

“You asked the pretty redhead to marry you, and now you’re sitting down here listening to sad music and lamenting the loss of a girl you can never have, when a perfectly good one is waiting for you.”

“She’s not waiting for me, Nan. She wants nothing to do with me!”

“Is that what she said when you called her?”

“I…” With a sharp frown, I shook my head and muttered, “I can’t call her.”

“Why not?”

“Because her fiancé killed Tammy! Bloody idiot was driving on the wrong side of the road and she had no chance!”

“That and the speed, I suppose.”

“Nan,” I warned.

She huffed, her wrinkled face bunching as she tried to mirror my frown. “Don’t deny the fact they were both in the wrong. It was an accident. Blaming someone’s not going to change it. What does it matter now?”

My mouth fell open and I blinked at her like she’d lost one too many marbles. “Did you honestly just say that? What does it matter? Her one true love killed mine! It matters, Nan!”

“Only if you let it.” She reached out, beckoning me with her fingers. I wanted to ignore them, sit on my hands and act like a stubborn five-year-old, but her kind smile bent my will.

Shuffling across the floor, I took her hand in mine. Her soft thumb rubbed the back of my hand, her voice softening to match the loving gesture. “It’s your past, Harry. You can’t let it dictate your future. Life is giving you a second chance. Are you really going to sit here and waste it?”

“She thinks Tammy killed—”

“Oh, stop now. We’ve just been through this. He was driving on the wrong side of the road without a helmet. If Tammy hadn’t collided with him, someone else may well have.”

“She was speeding,” I croaked. “Because she was mad with me. I wouldn’t marry her. I told her we had all the time in the world. She left in an angry huff, and I expected her to return and pick up where we left off…after she’d simmered down. But she never came home, Nan.” My eyes burned, and I squeezed them shut to counter the tears. “I didn’t want to make that same mistake again.”

“Well that’s because you’re a smart boy. You’re learning from your mistakes.”

“How am I learning? I stupidly asked someone who’s practically a stranger to marry me! And look where it’s landed us!”

“No.” Nan patted my hand and smiled. “You asked a girl who made your heart sing to marry you. Don’t you see it, Harry? You’ve come back to life since meeting her.”

“How can we make it work?” I whispered. “We have this huge chasm between us now. Life’s not fair, Nan.”

“Life is life, child. Sometimes it tries to kill you, and other times it offers you gifts you don’t even understand.” Her voice was husky and fierce. “You both lost and somehow you’ve been brought together…to be with each other. To fill that gaping hole left behind. Don’t be a coward and turn your back on this.”

I winced and looked away from her loving, wrinkled face. “She won’t want me now. It’s too hard.”

“No!” She squeezed my hand, tighter than I thought she’d be able to. “It’s just a fight…and one you can win.”

I gazed up at her determined expression. Her eyes shone with conviction.

“You just need to decide if she’s worth it.”

Chapter Thirty-One

Jane

I wandered from the basketball courts across to the fields. Tuesday lunch duty was my least favorite time of the week. I felt bad for not loving it more. It was a great chance to interact with the students on a casual, friendly basis, but it never seemed to work out that way. They were all busy hanging out with their friends, and they weren’t about to stop what they were doing to come over and chat with me.

And so duty became a time of monitoring the odd scuffle, telling off a few students here and there, but mainly watching a school full of tweens develop into young adults.

The worst part about it was having so much time to think. Because I wasn’t distracted by grading, teaching, or conversation with my colleagues, my mind could wander wherever it liked, and that particular week it was obsessed with Harry.

It’d been over a week since the shocking revelation, and I still felt drained and haunted by it. I kept having these horrible dreams, imagining how the crash went down. Inevitably I’d wake up in a cold sweat, panting and crying, scraping my fingers through my hair and begging the nightmare away.

The thump of a basketball made me turn, and I blocked the orange bullet in the nick of time.

“Sorry, Miss Buford!” Reese gripped the fence with a grimace.

I picked up the ball and threw it back. “No problem.”

He caught it, smiled at me, and then dribbled the ball back into the game. I headed for the soccer field, sticking with my usual figure-eight route around my designated area.

Rubbing my eye, I readjusted my shades and lamented how tired I felt. The combination of nightmares and crying exhausted me. I never did well without enough sleep. I was trying to throw all my energy into work, but that only left me further depleted. Grading papers was hardly inspiring.

The soccer fields were busy with their usual swarm of boys and girls. I scanned the moving bodies, making sure everyone was in bounds and doing what they were supposed to. The game to my right looked like a coed match filled with shouts, laughter, and an excessive amount of flirting between Carson and Ruby. I couldn’t help a small grin as I watched her make an unnecessary tackle, just so she’d have an excuse to touch his shoulder.

By the look on his face, he didn’t seem to mind.

Glancing to my left, I checked out the more serious game between a group of eighth-grade boys. A line of giggling girls was sitting on the grass, pulling out blades and tearing them in half while they subtly watched the boys play. More eye-flirting. I couldn’t help shaking my head.

Kids going through puberty were just starting to figure themselves out, become aware of their sexuality and how they felt about the whole
falling in love
thing. It was a privilege to watch, and one of the reasons I chose to teach middle school students.

I just never thought it would hurt so much.

Because I never thought my love would be stolen so swiftly…twice.

I grimaced and turned from the field, heading into the quiet corridors of Block C to make sure no kids were inside where they shouldn’t be.

My phone started ringing the second I opened the door. I pulled it from my pocket, my tapping heels coming to a stop as I read the name on the screen.

“Harry,” I whispered and sucked in a breath.

Did I ignore it?

My brain said yes but my thumb said no. It swiped across the screen, and I lifted the phone to my ear.

“Hello, Harry.”

“Hi.” His voice was husky…quiet.

Tears stung my eyes. I blinked and scanned the corridor, not sure where to look. “Why are you calling me?”

“Because I miss you.”

The conviction with which he said the words made my nose tingle. My lips wobbled, and I pressed my finger into the corner of my eye to stop myself from crying.

“I’m sorry I let you walk out, and I’m sorry I haven’t called sooner. I was just in shock.”

I started walking, looking into the first classroom as I passed. “You shouldn’t be calling me, Harry.”

“Why?”

“You know why! This can’t work.”

“Maybe it can.”

“Harry, come on. You think my first love killed yours. I think the same about you! It’s a black cloud over us and it will always be there.”

“Only if we let it.”

“As soon as we get irritated with each other it’ll rear its ugly head. We may survive for a while, but it will ultimately break us.”

“No, it doesn’t have to be like that. It’s all about perspective. I can change my thinking. I’m willing to do whatever I have to. Whatever it takes.”

“Please, don’t.” I stopped at the next door, sucking in a breath. I noticed it was ajar, so I rested my hand on the door handle, needing to wrap up the call and pull myself together before the bell rang. “I have to go.”

“No, Jane, please.”

“I can’t do this right now. In fact, I don’t know if I ever can. My heart barely survived losing Blake. I can’t lose you too.”

“Then stop pushing me away.”

I shook my head. “I have to let go now or it’ll only get worse.”

“Jane, please.” His voice was stretched tight with desperation, and I could feel myself crumbling. I missed him too. Ached for what we had in Europe…and then when he stayed. I’d been so happy, started to believe that I could love again.

And then I found that article and it all fell apart. I had to take the warning for what it was. I was not meant to love again.

“Goodbye, Harry,” I whimpered into the phone, then hung up before he could respond.

He called straight back, but I ignored it and turned off my phone altogether. Covering my mouth, I gazed at the screen, tears trickling down my cheeks as I tried to reassure myself that I was doing the right thing.

“Are you okay, Miss B?”

I gasped as the door creaked open. Gazing down at Brandy, I thought about telling her off for being in a restricted area. Students weren’t allowed inside on a sunny day. But staring into those big brown eyes of hers, all I could do was droop my shoulders and mutter, “Life’s just…”

“Shit?”

“Yeah.” I nodded, fresh tears flooding my vision. I swiped them away and noticed her smile.

It was soft and tender. Grabbing my hand, she led me into the science room and guided me to the stool next to hers. Drawings covered the lab table along with a strewn pencil case. Her iPad was beside her, quietly playing music. It was so soft I could barely hear it, but then I recognized the guitar riff and voice—“Say” by John Mayer.

A great song and no doubt perfect for drawing to. Glancing at the image closest to me, I had to smile at the beautiful white unicorn with a silver and purple mane. It was stunning and drawn with Disney-quality potential.

I gave her an impressed smile. She beamed and sat on the stool in front of me.

“You know you’re not supposed to be in here, right?” I tried to give her a reprimanding look, but it disintegrated the second she explained why she was breaking the rules.

“I can’t think straight with all the noise outside, and no one really understands why I have to do this.”

Running my finger along a royal blue pencil, I rolled it back and forth across the lab table, thinking of Harry and the way he’d spoken to Brandy.

How much she’d softened since that short conversation. She was leaving for Chile in just over a week. I was going to miss her.

Picking up an olive green pencil, she started shading a tree. “Want to talk about it?”

“No.” My voice sounded so lifeless.

I didn’t want to go back to being that person again.

But I didn’t want to have to dredge up my life list either.

Everything just seemed like hard work. My shattered heart, which I’d somehow managed to glue back together, felt fragile again, on the brink of total decimation.

Opening her sketchpad, Brandy ripped out a fresh sheet of paper and placed it down in front of me. “Draw it. I swear it works.”

Her kind smile was doing a number on me. When her surly face had appeared in my doorway at the beginning of the year, I was worried I’d never grow to like her.

But she’d really opened up, somehow accepted her parents’ divorce and the impending departure. I wished I could have adapted that easily.

“Go on, Miss B. Draw.” She tapped my paper.

After a reluctant pause, I picked up the blue pencil and started with a swirl in the middle of my page that soon became a thick question mark, dominating the sheet of paper.

Was Harry right?

Could we overcome this barrier between us?

Could we let it go and move forward together?

The bell rang, making me flinch. Brandy gasped and started gathering up her belongings, shoving the loose sheets into her sketchbook and jamming the pencils and sharpener into her case.

I held out the blue pencil, but she shook her head with a lopsided grin. “You keep it.”

“I’ll give it back to you before you leave.”

“Okay.” She nodded then rushed out the door.

The corridor started to fill, the noise rising in a swift crescendo. I had to get back to my classroom, but I wasn’t ready to move. I just kept staring at that question mark and wondering.

Could I do it?

My forehead wrinkled, and I wrote over the top of my question mark in capital letters…
TOO HARD!!

Scrunching the paper in my fist, I walked to the trash and threw it out before entering the busy corridor and trying to get into the right headspace to teach a fifty-minute English class… and get over Harry Tindal.