Authors: Kat Helgeson
Gena/Finn (28 page)
in Charlie's notebook
Hi Gena. You left this in the kitchen and I thought you might want it. I'll be playing Halo if you need anything.
âCharlie
I'm here but you're not. invisHalo! --Gena
I took out the trash!!
Where the hell did YOU go, is the question.
Well. This seems like an opportunity for a treasure hunt. Let's see how quickly you find this.
gena was on the fire escape
the question is
WHERE AM I
--notebook
Notebook,
Are you sentient? You must know so many secrets. Tell me everything.
âCharlie
do my pages know secrets?
let's see if they do
if you've found where i'm hiding
you've found the next clue
--notebook
I found you in
my tv tower
after searching for
a fucking hour
but the question is
as questions be
did you note what was
underneath me?
uh. what?
for the ease
of your finding
i've slipped the clue under
a door so sliding
this picture's from the set of man of the house
it must have been the day you shot that thanksgiving scene
I remember your ugly sweater
is that why you were crying?
in fact it was!
i didn't know you watched.
Zack was my age, and it was a family show.
We always watched on holidays.
My mom used to say you were cute.
my mom said i had too-big eyes like a bug.
they still call me that.
if you're a bug you're a Tardigrade
which is a super tough bug that can survive in a vacuum
(I just Googled that.)
i used to think that
about surviving in vacuums
i used to live like that.
shrunk up and vacuum-sealed.
put me anywhere.
why do you write poems on your shoes?
in retrospect, it's dumb to think it was only because
no one had ever gotten you a notebook
so if people try to read them when i don't want them to
i can kick them in the face
god. it's a bad day.
I'll make you macaroni and cheese with bacon for dinner.
If you don't like bacon you can always pick it out, which will
be adventurous.
i do.
the truth is
we were friends when we were little because we were together
we were friends because people told us to be friends
conveniently i loved him and i think he loved me
but we didn't talk for ten years,
and we had some nice emails before he died
and i told him i was in love with your girlfriend'
the truth is
i didn't know him that well
and in the middle i had jake.
how do you NOT be a fangirl? how do you not do it?
how do you just love one person
how do you just choose everyone's real person.
you don't.
the truth is
your heart is stronger than you think it is
and bigger than you think it is
the truth is
loving someone isn't a period
it's a semicolon
and the choice you make is what comes
on the other side
maybe it's a picket fence and a subaru and 2.5 kids
maybe it's a fantasy world that lives in your computer
maybe it's a guild
maybe it's a fandom
maybe it's the last thing you ever expected
loving someone means whatever you decide it means
that's the choice
really
i love you charlie
are you gonna watch the premiere with us?
if you want me.
I'd love to.
carefully folded, tucked in the back of Charlie's notebook
our counselor says
you didn't get to choose what happened to you
you don't get to choose if it still hurts you
you get to choose if you put it in your sentence about yourself.
So here is my sentence.
I love you, Zack
and fuck all the rest of it.
from: Joan Bartlett
to: Finn Bartlett
date: Monday, November 3 10:14 AM
subject: Girls shopping day!
Dear Stephanie, |
Angie and Lydia were here last weekend. We all went shopping. I've attached a picture of them holding up their new sundresses. We all missed you and wished you were here. Will we see you soon? |
I got a seed packet from my subscription service in the mail. Sunflowers. I'm thinking of planting them in their own little patch in the backyard, but sunflowers are kind of garish, aren't they? I wonder what you think. Would that be too dramatic? Do you think the neighbors would complain? |
I haven't heard from you in a while. I hope everything's going well. |
All my love, |
from: Finn Bartlett
to: Joan Bartlett
date:
None. Saved to Drafts.
subject: RE: Girls shopping day!
Everything's great! This picture is great! Looks like you guys had a really good |
from: Finn Bartlett
to: Joan Bartlett
date:
None. Saved to Drafts.
subject: RE: Girls shopping day!
I wish I could have been there! I love Lydia's dress. Angie's looks too orange for her. Maybe we can |
from: Finn Bartlett
to: Joan Bartlett
date: Monday, November 3 2:39 PM
subject: RE: Girls shopping day!
hi mom. |
glad you and ang and lyd had fun. they look great here. |
no, sunflowers aren't too garish. I think they'd be pretty. and if the neighbors complain they can take a walk. it's your yard. |
to tell you the truth, things aren't going so well and they haven't been for a while. |
from: Joan Bartlett
to: Finn Bartlett
cc: Paul Bartlett
date: Monday, November 3 4:57 PM
subject: RE: Girls shopping day!
What's wrong? Is it Charlie? Are you two fighting? Is it something with the job? Can I do anything to help you? You know I'm always in your corner, Stephanie. You can always depend on your parents to help you if you need it. |
All our love, |
from: Finn Bartlett
to: Joan Bartlett
cc: Paul Bartlett
date: Monday, November 3 3:16 PM
subject: issues
thanks you guys. |
things with Charlie are okay. we had kind of a bad patch, but I think we've worked it out. it was rough for a while. but it's Charlie. |
to tell you the truth, and please, please don't start calling everyone and telling them this, especially not angie and lyd because you know they'll be all over my case about it, but I think we actually might get married. |
not that he's asked. not that I've said yes. but I feel sort of like if he did, I would. I just feel like he knows me as well as any one person can and still loves me, and after almost four years I still love him, and...you know? I've never done this before. is that how it's supposed to feel? |
anyway, that's future stuff. for the time being I'm happy with the way we are. |
the job...well, I lost the job. I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner. I'm sorry I can't figure out how to be gainfully employed. I'm sorry I'm letting you down. I'm broke and embarrassed and it feels awful, and as much as I want to stay here and live this life, I might not be able to afford it much longer. |
the truth is, my best friend was in a bad accident, and now she's got some kind of post traumatic stress thing and no money to pay for the drugs she needs. she's living on our couch and I've been paying for group therapy because I can't afford the one on one kind, and my savings account is dry and her aunt has been sending money for her meds, but I don't think Evie ever told her how much they cost and I don't feel comfortable asking this woman for money, and anyway I can't use that to pay the bills, obviously. |
So things are pretty messed up right now. |
from: Joan Bartlett
to: Finn Bartlett
cc: Paul Bartlett
date: Monday, November 3 5:44 PM
subject: RE: issues
Oh, Sweetheart. |
You should have told us you were in trouble. Of course we're not disappointed. |
You stay strong, like you always do. We are so proud of you, Stephanie. Helping a friend in trouble â that's exactly the kind of girl you've always been, ever since you were young. Is this friend someone we know? She's lucky to have you in her life. |
We have some extra money that was earmarked for you, since you won a scholarship and your sisters didn't. Would that give you some breathing room until you're able to find a new job? |
Love, |
from: Finn Bartlett
to: Joan Bartlett
cc: Paul Bartlett
date:
None. Saved to Drafts.
subject: RE: issues
no, I can't |
from: Finn Bartlett
to: Joan Bartlett
cc: Paul Bartlett
date: Monday, November 3 4:01 PM
subject: thank you
I don't know what to say. |
