Gazelle (24 page)

“
You, too.  Bye
.
”

              He breathes slowly, steadily, staring hard at his reflection, his eyes locked, blazing.  Nathan was
n’
t buying it anymore.  He could see right through him, he knew he was a fraud.  Ther
e’
s nothing behind those pretty eyes except one or two expressions you copied from someone truly talented, he thinks.  Yo
u’
re nothing but a toy chameleon, just about out of batteries.  He exhales and focuses on the connection, latching onto the character, infecting himself with it, losing himself, detaching, re-attaching, reaching in and stopping just short in terror, but struggling onwards, relying on those mastered expressions like a splintering crutch.

“
‘
I waited
.
’
 
Fuc
k
…
‘
I
did
wait.  I waited long after the debris cleared and everyone went home to their nice, cozy little lies and forgot it ever happened, and made me dress up and play with the other kids. I waited in hell with a fucking smile plastered to my face, eating shit because you promised you would come back.  Nobody did, thoug
h…
you did
n’
t come back.  You lied to me.  You looked me in the fucking
face
and you lie
d…
.tell me, tell me now, how you do that to your own kid?  Your own
blood
?
’”

              He drops his head, shaking, wincing, squeezinghis fists into balls.
 “
Fuck m
e…
fucking shit scrip
t
…” he whispers, fighting his tears of frustration.

              CeCetaps lightly on the door.
 “
Julia
n
…”
“
Come back later
!
”
“
Julian, your brothe
r’
s on the phone
.
”

              Julian grabs the towel and wipes his face, wipes away the traces of struggle, and swings open the bathroom door.  He glares at CeCe and yanks the phone from her.  She says nothing, disappearing back down the hall.  He listens until he can no longer hear her heels before putting the phone to his ear.  He forces all his fear and frustration, his panic down behind the biggest wall he can muster, rubbing his temple violently as he struggles to control his voice and sound completely at ease.

“
James
.
”
“
Julian.  Ho
w’
re you doing
?
”
“
Good, you
?
”
“
Excellent
.
”

“
Great.  Are you guys set then?  You coming to visit?  The part
y’
s next Saturday
.
”
“
It looks good.  Your assistant confirmed all of the hotel arrangements yesterday.  Mom says she ca
n’
t wait.  Sarah and the boys are excited, too.  I think we might head there early and spend a few days doing the Disney-Magic Mountain tour.  You interested
?
”
              Julian grunts, his brow narrowing despite himself
.“
Seriously
?
”
“
Yeah,
I’
m serious,
uncle
Julian.  The kids would love it.  Come on, family vacation
.
”
“
I ca
n’
t just go to Disneyland
.
”

“
I
t’
d mean a lot to us, to mom.  Sh
e’
s getting up there.  Who knows how long sh
e’
ll be around
.
”
              For a moment, he imagines telling his brother the truth.  That h
e’
s close to losing his grip again.  That h
e’
s going to mess up this last opportunity and have to start all over again.  That he does
n’
t have it in him to start over again, knowing h
e’
ll never break free.  H
e’
s mediocre, just short of greatness, and that will never change, no matter how hard he works or runs.   He purses his lips and closes his eyes, bracing himself.
 “
Jame
s…
the party is my going away party, too.  I start shooting soon.  I have to finish up things here.  I
t’
s not a good time
.
”
              There is a long silence, deafening silence Julian has learned to accept from his family.  It crushes him now, squashing his hope that he is not alone. 

“
Of course i
t’
s not
.
”
“
I ca
n’
t just take a vacation
,
” Julian snaps.
 “
I do
n’
t hav
e‘
personal days
.
’
 
I ca
n’
t tell the office
I’
m going to be gone for a few weeks and tha
t’
s that.  You know that
.
”
“
No, I know.  I guess I was just hoping it was
n’
t unfeasible
.
”
“
Well, it is, right now it is.  Maybe after the shoot
.
”
“
Yeah, sure, after the shoot.  Listen, I gottaget going. 
I’
ll see you in next week
.
”
 
His brother is done, he can hear it in his voice.  His brother has given up on him yet again.  Julian has heard this tone of disappointment, disapproval and ultimate dismissal so often throughout his life from his brother, yet it slices through him nonetheless, enraging him, filling him with hatred.
“
Yeah, okay, see you
.
”
“
Take care, buddy
.
”
“
You, too
.”
             

              He stands with the phone pressed to his cheek a long time after the call has ended, hugging himself and glaring down the brown walls of the hall, fighting the rage.  The conversation replays in the background of his brother, calling on the pretense that he cares, that he wants to see Julian.  Magic Mountain.  He does
n’
t care.  He got what he wanted.  He wants to see me be a dick, push people I love aside.  He wants me to say no so he can run back to the rest of them and disappoint them on my behalf.  He wants everyone to think
I’
m too self-centered to care about them.  Disneyland.Wants me to fake it just like everyone else. Does
n’
t give a shit about me, about what
I’
m going through.  Giant, ivory vases border a full-length antique mirror at the end of it, reflecting him, rocking side to side, clutching the phone.

“
‘
Uncle Julia
n
’
…
Son of a BITCH
!
” he screams, heaving the phone at the mirror.

              Alice moves very cautiously through the quiet Los Feliz home to the kitchen.  She peeks in before she tip-toes towards CeCe, bent over her laptop.  Her heels are off, her blazer draped across her bag.  CeCe looks up and smiles sadly, raising a long hand and giving her a short wave.

“
That bad, huh
?
” Alice asks, slumping next to her.

“
Pretty bad
.
”
“
Yea
h…
he was scary quiet this morning when I left. 
I’
ve never seen him so serious
.
”
“
Oh, he is
n’
t quiet anymore.  You should have heard him ten minutes ago.  You know that mirror in the hall
?
”
“
Yeah
?
”
“
He cracked it, along with my phone
.
”
“
What? No way
.
”
“
Yep. 
I’
m ordering a new one right now
.
”
“
Tha
t’
s seven years of bad luc
k…
probably double because that thing was humungous
.
”
“
Triple.  It was an antique.  Paid thousands for it.  It was suppose to be good feng shui. I do
n’
t honestly know wha
t’
s going on with him
.
”

“
Is this what happened last time he made a movie
?
”
              Ceceshook her head, tucking a stray behind her ear and studying the steel shine of the refrigerator.
 “
No, no h
e’
s never been like this.  Not even when he was makin
g‘
Heist
.
’
 
I
t’
s alway
s…
h
e’
s really focused and serious, quiet.  Sort of reclusive?  This tim
e…
i
t’
s the opposite.  One minute, h
e’
s having the time of his life, going to parties and clubs with her, smiling and laughing and the nex
t
…”

“
I know
!
” Alice exclaims.
 “
I
t’
s like, h
e’
s a completely different person here when sh
e’
s gone.  Like, h
e’
s in a perpetual evil mood
.
”
“
Honestly, I think h
e’
s struggling with the script.  I overheard him talking to Mike about it the other night.  He said something like the closer it gets to becominga reality, with the shoot and all, the more fake and forced he feels.  He said he felt like he could
n’
t pull it off.  I think he might back out
.
”
“
N
o
…”
“
Yes! H
e’
s coming unraveled and, frankly
,
” she holds up her shattered phone,
 “
manic
.
” 

“
Where is he now
?
”

“
Where else
?
”” CeCe says, rolling her eyes and turning back to her computer.             

              Alice sighs and tosses her own giant Vuitton on the counter.  CeCe looks up at it in shock.

“
Is that real?
?
”
“
Yes, i
t’
s real
!
”
“
My god, i
t’
s gorgeous
!
”
              Alice sighs and runs a slow, loving hand over her new bag.
 “
I know
.
”
“
Look at you!  All grown up and dressed to play in your Maddens and your Vuitton
!
” CeCe laughs.

“
Tha
t’
s not why I bought it
,
” Alice says in a matter-of-fact tone.
 “
I read something that said purses were symbolic of the womb.  The reason women covet expensive bags is because they want men, and other women, to know their wombs are invaluable.  I
t’
s an evolutionary instinct.
 
That, and
I got it at the discount outlet for hellacheap
!
”
              CeCe laughs a sharp, loud laugh, covering her mouth quickly and looking around. 

“I’
m gonnago check on him
,
” Alice smiles.
 “
Pray for me
.
”
              She moves out onto the back patio in slow, twisting steps, her arms locked behind her.  He sits hunched over, talking low into his phone, his back rippling through a tight, black shirt, his hand running continuously through his hair, which has lightened considerably from his most recent trip with Sharleen.  He reminds her of a bull, pacing in its pen moments before it is released into the streets. For a moment, she feels the urge to run, to turn and run from the entire situation.  She pictures herself cashiering at Healthy Grocery again, never having to fetch food or laundry, make sure his bills are paid or make travel arrangements, never having to criss-crossthe city through traffic trying to get papers or clothes here or there, never having to stand and wait at endless photo shoots or scroll through scripts he might like while he hangs out with his girlfriend at fancy restaurants and parties sh
e’
s never invited to anymore.  She sees herself standing at the register, wishing she was painting or walking the dog, or even paying her own bills, without once thinking about his life.  And, for a second, it seems so, so much better than this.  She turns, confused, to move out of the room before he sees her.  Instinctively, his head shoots back and he waves, beckoning her towards him.  His face is a scowl, deadly and wrathful.  There is no pretense; he is exactly what he appears.  She stands straight and juts out her chin as she strolls towards him.  I do
n’
t give a fuck who he is, she thinks, I hold my own.