Gathering of Pearls (8 page)

I had ruined everything for myself. I had failed Greek and Roman culture; 1 hadn't even taken the exam. My family would be crushed and angry when they saw my report card. I had assured them that I wasn't too young to study in America, and that I could handle it. Everything was a mess. I cried myself to sleep.

When I woke up, Marci was quietly sitting and reading beside me. She smiled. "Hey, sleepyhead. You were mumbling something about your report card and Sister Reed. And you were saying a lot of things in Korean. Were you dreaming? You shouldn't be worrying about that stuff now."

"Marci! Have you been here long?" I sat up and found I was feeling much better already.

"Oh, I've been here for about an hour. You look okay. I was really worried. I tried to come and see you a couple of times, but Sister Reed was guarding you and wouldn't even let me in. She asked me a lot of questions about you, too. I was so nervous I can't even remember half of what I said. I had to answer her, though. I hope you don't mind."

I couldn't help smiling. Marci wasn't fond of any of the nuns here and I could imagine how nervous she must have been when Sister Reed, with her piercing green eyes, interrogated her.

"Oh, that's all right, Marci. I am a bit afraid of her, but I know she cares for me a lot. I'm already starting to brace myself for the lecture I'm going to get from her. I assumed she had already heard about my sneaking up to the bathroom to study every night. And I bet Ellen told her that I haven't been to one mixer."

"Oh, Ellen was so upset. She told Sister Reed she wanted to sleep in the bed next to you and wait for you to wake up. Sister Reed sent her home and told her to call. She sent me home, too, but that's no big deal since I can just drive right over."

After one more day in the infirmary, Doctor McCormack told Sister Reed that I could leave as long as I took it easy.

"Marci will be here to take you to her house for Christmas vacation just as you both had planned," said Sister Reed, to my great surprise. "Ellen has called for you several times, but I thought it best that you rest. You can give her a call a little later. Maybe you and Marci and Ellen can all get together over vacation. Now, there is one condition. You are not to take any books with you to Marci's. In January, when you return, we will discuss your schedule."

Marci came running in. "This is great; you can come home with me now. I went by and got your mail for you. I'm just going to swing by the library and return some books, and then I'll come back and get you, okay?"

There were letters from my mother and sister, and two pieces of folded construction paper that I knew were from little Sarah and Jimmy. I unfolded the piece of red construction paper; it was Sarah's. She had drawn a jolly Santa Claus saying, "Hi, Sookan, what do you want for Christmas? I don't know what you want. Can you tell me? From your Santa."

Jimmy had used green paper, and in black crayon, he had written: "St. Nick is coming. Our tree is all decorated. Will you come to see it?" Underneath, he had drawn a huge tree, groaning under the weight of all the decorations hanging from its limbs.

I realized that Christmas was only a few days away, and I didn't have gifts for anyone. I did still have a few things that I had brought from home. Mother had embroidered several hand towels for me to give as gifts. I knew Mrs. Bennett would like those. I had also brought a hand-carved wooden tiger, which Jimmy might enjoy. For Sarah, though, I had nothing. In a shop in town I had noticed a small china figurine of a little girl holding flowers. Sarah might like that. But I didn't have much money saved up, and what would I give to Marci and Ellen? I thought of the soft leather handbag I had wanted to buy for Mother, and the anatomy book I had intended to give Inchun. Perhaps over Christmas vacation I could earn enough money to buy these things and could mail them off in January. But how? I would be with Marci the whole time.

I opened Mother's letter.

My dear Sookan,

I am comforted to know that you are adjusting well to your new home and have already made some good friends. Young people learn everything so quickly. Since I am so far away from you and cannot understand all that you are facing, I feel that I can provide you with little advice. Hyunchun told me there is an English expression about doing things like a Roman when you are in Rome. I thought that expression was very wise. My main concern is that you always want to do everything so perfectly all the time. Give yourself some time. Struggling to do everything perfectly according to Korean
and
American tradition all at the same time will be too much for you. Now, you are a student in America, and you should enjoy your life there. Do not worry about things at home. I know how you fret about your brothers and me. You are such a worrywart. You always were. But all is well here.

Mrs. Na, the go-between, was over at the house earlier today. She brought several more pictures of potential brides for Hanchun. She insisted that I pick one, but I told her that Hanchun is not interested in marriage yet, nor are my second and third sons, and she must wait a little longer. She said she would be back in a few weeks. She is not likely to give up on me as I have three sons of marriageable age. I know you don't like her much, but she has made some very good matches. Of course, your aunts and uncles are also busy recommending girls from good families. So far, I am not pursuing any of this, and all is pretty much the same.

Hyunchun is now busier than ever. He was elected student body president and he also took on an extra job at the American Embassy as a clerk. He comes home at midnight most of the week.

Oh, a bit of news about Bokhi. She used to come by and chat with me, hoping to get a glimpse of Hyunchun. I always enjoyed her visits. She used to read all your letters and we would speak of you. She told me that she thinks of you every day, but finds it hard to write. She misses you too much and she said words are hardly adequate to express her feelings. But I am sure she will write one of these days.

We have not seen much of her lately. She has a lot of responsibilities at home. Her old aunt and many nephews keep her frightfully busy. Also, her family did not think it was proper for Bokhi to come to our house so often, and I can certainly understand that. Bokhi's aunt is looking for a suitable husband for her. I know she is in love with Hyunchun, but it would not work. Hyunchun has two elder brothers who need to be married first. His turn will not come for quite some time. My heart aches for Bokhi and I know Hyunchun feels bad about it, too. But time is not on their side. There is nothing for you to do and please do not worry. These things take their own course, and all will work out in the end. Marriages are complex family matters. I will do all I can to comfort Bokhi as you would. I thought you would like to know.

Promise me that you will look after yourself. Your brothers send their best. I saw Hyunchun writing you a letter, but I doubt he will ever finish it and mail it. That is just the way he is. None of them is a good correspondent, I'm afraid. I know Inchun thinks of you often, though he hardly ever says a thing. When we read your letters aloud, he acts like he is not even paying attention, but later, he wanders around whistling, picks the letter up, and goes to his room. Whenever I visit Theresa, I first have to go into his drawer and get your letters out. But I always put them back when I return.

By the time you receive this letter, it will be Christmastime. Your brothers and I are going to attend midnight Mass at Myungdong Cathedral. Will you be spending the vacation with your roommate's family? Have a merry Christmas.

Your loving mother

Tears filled my eyes. I missed Mother, and wished I could hug her, or sit with her in the kitchen and just talk to her. She always worked so hard, and never uttered a word of complaint. I think I was the only one who understood her. My brothers were always out, and my sister only saw Mother for brief visits. Now Bokhi wouldn't be there either.

Why couldn't Bokhi continue to come by and get to know Hyunchun? They could wait for each other. Traditions and customs! I could tell Mother felt for the two of them, yet there was nothing she could do.

I knew Mother. I saw how sad and pensive she looked when she thought no one was around. I used to hear her sigh as she worked late into the night while the rest of us were in bed. Sometimes, I would go to her room late at night, and I would see her sitting up straight, staring at the moon as if she were searching for someone. I knew she needed someone to talk to, but when I went to her at those times, she would just hug me and tell me to go back to bed. I knew she thought I was too young to understand.

Without Father, she needed her eldest daughter to talk to, but Theresa was busy with her work at the convent. Mother would stay up half the night cooking or sewing things for the nuns before we made our monthly visits to the convent. She always worked too hard. The last time I went with her, she had stayed up the entire night making layers and layers of rice cakes to feed the nuns, all one hundred of them. We carried the heavy containers of rice cakes onto the crowded bus and then all the way up the'hill to the convent. As I watched Mother perspiring and stopping to catch her breath, I got so angry that I shouted, "Why couldn't we bring a small package just for Theresa?" But Mother had answered, "It is a convent and they are all my daughters."

I didn't say another word about it, especially not to my brothers. They would have scolded me and told me that I was rude and disrespectful. We had to support our older sister and the nuns who worked so hard, I knew they would have said. I often wondered if I were not as kindhearted as the rest of my family.

Although I loved my sister and admired her hard work for the poor, I didn't like the way she upset Mother all the time by telling her of her hardships at the convent. Mother had so little herself that I resented my sister's unending demands. I did not understand my sister some times. I promised myself that I would not be like her, that I would take care of my problems on my own. Mother did not need anyone giving her more worries. I began to read my sister's letter.

To my dear younger sister,

My work never ends. Each day I toil from dawn to dusk, and still there is so much more to do. So many poor people need our help.

I received your letter. You seem very much taken with the independence and outspokenness of American young people. And you were unduly impressed by your professor's cooking for his family. Please remember that you are at an impressionable age. You must think long and carefully about these new attitudes and ideas before you embrace them with such enthusiasm. You also seem to be quite chatty. You must be in the habit of talking a great deal with your college friends. Remember that a young woman must spare her words and think carefully before she speaks.

I feel that you may have left home too early. You must not forget the beauty of our traditions and culture. Our ways are not always easy, but the values which we maintain are so important. Remember that family is one of the most important things in your life. Doing your duties as a younger sister is sometimes difficult, but your older brothers have done many things for you, and you must honor and respect them. And you must be a worthy big sister to Inchun. When you return to Korea and join me, your brothers will be proud, knowing that you are helping to do God's work.

Christmas is coming soon. There are so many supplies which we need here for the students. I have made a list of some of the important items we need so that you can send them. As for our family, you should send Mother and each of our brothers a thoughtful gift from America.

Remember, my dear Sookan, that you must not be swept away by the new culture you are in. You are Korean, and your home is here. If you embrace your new culture too fervently, you will later feel lost. You will be neither American nor Korean anymore. I do not want to see this happen to you. I am disappointed. I thought you were stronger and more mature.

I hope you will take some time to think about things. Pray to God for His help.

I remain your loving sister.

I stared at her letter and the list of supplies. She had told me to share my feelings and experiences, and now she did not approve of the way I saw my new world. She did not like what I was becoming. I had made a point of writing her a cheerful letter—even got five demerits for writing it—and she thought I seemed too talkative and silly.

I sighed, folded the letter, and put it back in the envelope. She didn't understand me. She didn't respect me. And why did she have to remind me to get Christmas presents for my brothers? Doesn't she know that I love them all? Does she think that I love them less now that I am far away? Does she think that I left home because I didn't care for them? I wondered if she really loved me the way she always said she did.

But as soon as I thought these things, I felt guilty. It was probably my fault. I had not been completely honest with her about my life here. She obviously thought that everything was being provided to me by the school, and that I spent all my time chatting with my friends. But what was the sense of worrying everyone at home? They couldn't help.

I reread the letter.
Is she right? Have I changed so much in the past three months? Will I be sorry later, when I no longer fit in at home?
All I knew was that I was trying as best I could to make everyone proud of me.

Our footsteps echoed as Marci and I walked down the hall of the empty dorm. I felt a bit dizzy and tired still, but was happy finally to be spending some time with Marci.

"Do you mind if we just stay here one more night?" I asked her. "I feel like I've been away for a long time, and I'm sure I have to return some books and clean my room a bit. I also need to go downtown to get something."

"No problem," Marci said. "My parents won't be back from Europe till the day after tomorrow. I can go with you. What do you have to get?"

"Oh, something small for Sarah. Then maybe we can drop it off at the Bennetts' before we go to your house. I just want to see them before I leave. With all these papers and exams, I wasn't able to baby-sit last weekend. I feel like I haven't seen them for a long time."