Game of Queens (56 page)

“My lord Daniel, have you any advice for me? Speak freely.”

“Not just at this moment, great king. You seem to be doing well without anyone's aid.” Daniel smiled, and moved slightly; when I looked closely, I saw that Daniel Dream-Master's hand leaned heavily upon the lady Samamat's knee. The lady Samamat was biting her lower lip. I wondered what she wanted to say, but decided this was not the time to ask. “Or interference,” Daniel added.

“Your good opinion of me means much,” Ahasuerus said. “I decree the following now: Haman is no longer prince, no longer entitled to look upon the face of the King of Kings. He is no longer vizier. All his ranks and honors, his lands and riches, are now the property of Mordecai the King's Scribe, who is now the King's Vizier in Haman's place.”

Haman made a strangled noise; I thought he would burst like a rotten egg. With that decree Ahasuerus had all but killed Haman. Ahasuerus's next words completed Haman's fate. “And since Haman so thoughtfully built a gallows—hang him on it.”

The Immortals began to haul Haman away; I stepped forward. “My lord king?”

Ahasuerus's face softened. “Yes, my queen? Would you have him flayed first?”

I swallowed hard. “No, my lord king. Death is punishment enough.”

Death, and the loss of all his ranks and fortune to the Jew he hates most in all this world and the next.

“Then what would my queen have of me?”

I would have been justified had I asked that all Haman's sons be slain and his wife thrown naked into the street. But I could not ask for such evil and remain the woman my husband loved. “I would have Haman's wife, and his children, taken under the king's protection,” I said. I did not look at Haman. Whatever Haman's eyes held, I did not want to know or to see.

HEGAI

I looked upon Haman lying bound and gagged at Esther's feet. Two strides would take me to him. And I could at last reveal myself to him.
Yes, “Father,” it is I, the son of your first wife, whom you murdered before my eyes. It is I, the boy you tormented for seven years, the boy you gelded and sold into slavery and prostitution. Look upon me and see how utterly you failed to ruin me and my life. Think of me as you die upon your own gallows.

I had yearned for this moment since I was seven years old; since Haman slit my mother's throat. I had dreamed of vengeance upon him. Now Haman had fallen into a pit of his own digging. Revealing myself to him would add salt to his wounds.
A last torment for him, and still it will not be enough …

As I stared at Haman struggling against his bonds, Vashti grasped my hand; laced her fingers through mine. I looked down into Vashti's face, and knew I would not take those few steps to Haman's side.
For years I have dreamed of making him suffer as I did. But I cannot.
Nothing could make Haman suffer as I had, for he cared for no one and nothing but himself.

And my suffering had led me to love. To Vashti.

With Vashti's hand warm in mine, I turned away from Haman. And as I did, a burden I had not even known I carried slipped from me and vanished. For a moment, I seemed to feel soft, smiling lips against my cheek, and I knew who it was.

Thank you, Mother. And good-bye.

VASHTI

A week later, after Ahasuerus had considered carefully, and asked advice from the wisest men in Shushan—and the wisest women, too, for he asked counsel of both Esther and Samamat—he had a new decree sealed into Median and Persian Law. Once each year, it would now be the right of the King of Kings to revoke or to alter one of the decrees he had sealed into law. The moment he pressed his seal to that decree, he revoked Haman's death-sentence on the Jews. As an added incentive to his subjects to keep peace with their Jewish neighbors, Ahasuerus created a second Adar Law: if any man took up weapons against the Jews, the Jews had the right to defend themselves. If they killed while defending their own lives, it would not be counted murder.

“And the Jews have the right to the property of any who raise weapons up against them,” Esther finished reading me the new decree, and smiled. “That's one of the lady Samamat's suggestions. She said the threat of loss of property would restrain more men from violence than the threat of loss of life.”

“Do you think she's right?” I asked, and Esther laughed.

“Oh, yes, she's right. I forget you've lived all your life in palaces, Princess Vashti.”

“So it's all over now?”

“Yes, I think so. I hope so. I want only to live in peace with my husband.” Such love shone in Esther's eyes my own heart ached. She seemed to glow; she laid her hand over her belly, and then I knew. Esther carried Ahasuerus's child.

“I wish I knew what I wanted.” I should have been as joyous as Esther; instead, I felt dull and weary. Life in the palace as Esther's friend stretched before me. “I wish…”

“What, Vashti?” Esther asked, her voice gentle.

“I wish—oh, not that Ahasuerus loved me as he loves you. But that
someone
did. I look upon Daniel and Samamat, and upon you and Ahasuerus, and—”

I stopped, for Esther was laughing.

“I am glad I amuse the queen,” I said stiffly, and rose to my feet. “May I have the queen's permission to leave her presence?”

“Oh, sit down.” Esther reached out and caught my hand. “Vashti, you already have what you desire. How can you not know it?”

I stared. “Know what?”

“That Hegai loves you, Vashti. He loves you as a man loves the woman of his heart. Don't you know that?”

I stared at her. “But—”

“But he is a eunuch? They cut off a piece of flesh, Vashti. They did not cut out his mind or his heart.”

“He has known me since I was a little girl. How can he love me so? Ahasuerus did not.”

“Ahasuerus has always been as a brother to you. Hegai watched you grow up, and he saw what Ahasuerus did not. That you became a woman. A woman he loved.”

I tried to stretch my mind to hold this revelation. Since the first day I entered the great palace, Hegai had always been there. Guarding me, caring for me. Loving me.

“Hegai loves me?”

“Deeply. Passionately. Can you love him, Vashti? If you cannot, you should release him.”

“But—if I take Hegai from you, you will have no Chief Eunuch.” I realized even as I spoke the words were nonsense; that I sought to not think of what Esther had said.

She laughed. “I think Hatach will do in that office. I would rather have a Chief Eunuch who thinks most highly of
me,
not one who's madly in love with my predecessor! Now go, Vashti, and look into your own heart. And think well on what you do next.”

*   *   *

I did as Esther commanded. I looked deep into my own heart, and when I had, I knew that I could no longer stay in the palace, or in Shushan. If ever I were to claim life for myself, I must leave. If I did not, nothing ever would change for me.

I would live and die as nothing more than Princess Vashti, who once had been Queen of Queens.

That is not enough.
I did not know the voice that whispered behind my ears. Perhaps it was my grandmother, Ishvari of the Black Horse People. Perhaps it was my own heart. It did not matter. What mattered was that I heeded the warning.

I gathered up the ivory dagger Hegai had given me long ago and sought him in his own chambers. I walked in and stood gazing at him, trying to pretend I looked upon him for the first time. I could not; I had known Hegai too long and too well. But when he looked up at me, startled that I should come to his rooms, I saw the light in his eyes, and his smile, and I thought that perhaps Esther was right. And even if she were not—I owed too much to Hegai to abandon him now.

He had never abandoned me.

“Vashti,” Hegai said, “what are you doing here? Is something wrong?”

I shook my head. “No. I came to tell you that I am leaving, Hegai. And to ask if you will come with me.”

My words brought him to his feet. “And you say nothing is wrong? Do not tell me you have quarreled with Queen Esther!”

“No, I have not. Nor have I yet told her what I tell you now. I am nothing here, Hegai. I must go.”

“Go and do what?” Hegai scowled at me, as if I were again the little girl new-come into Shushan's palace. “You are a princess; you are not meant for harsh roads and hard ground. Now listen to me, little queen, and—”

“Stay here and rot slowly, like overripe fruit that no lips will ever taste?” I shook my head. “No. I am leaving. Come with me.”

“I? I am Chief of the King of Kings' Eunuchs. I rule the Women's Palace.” His eyes darkened; old and sad. “What is there for me beyond these walls and gates?”

“What is there for me? I will never know if I remain here. Come.”

Again Hegai shook his head. I drew in a deep breath and lifted my hands to my hair. Slowly, I pulled out the golden pins that had held up the heavy mass. My ivory hair tumbled down my back; it reached my knees.

From my sash, I pulled the leopard-headed dagger and held it out. “Cut off my hair, Hegai.”

That shocked him out of grief. “Little queen, you can't be serious! Your beautiful hair!”

“I'm not little, I'm not a queen, and I am not my hair, Hegai. Cut it off. It's too heavy anyway.”

“No. You'll be sorry tomorrow. You always are.”

“Not this time.” I walked forward and laid the dagger in Hegai's lap. I put my hands on his shoulders and slowly, giving us both time to withdraw, I leaned forward and put my lips to his. The moment our mouths touched, I knew Esther was right. Hegai loved me—and not as a brother did his sister.

More than that, the caress of his lips awoke something within me that until now had slept.

Passion.

Shaken, I pulled back. “You have always loved me better than I deserved, and I was too blind to know that until now. And I love you.” I slid my hands up to his cheeks. “How could I
not
love you? You have protected me, taught me, guided me safely through the court's dark shadows.

“I do not know if I can love you as you love me, but I am willing to try. I am leaving this place. I beg you to come with me.”

For long moments he said nothing, as I counted my heartbeats and slowly the warm strength that had brought me here ebbed. Then, just as I was about to beg his pardon and walk away, Hegai stood up.

“How short do you want your hair, my love?” he asked, smiling.

*   *   *

On the thirteenth of Adar, we stood at the palace gate, Hegai and I, with our horses awaiting us and all that we would carry with us loaded upon three pack camels. That was Esther's doing; I had first thought to ride off and leave all behind. Gently, Esther had pointed out that I would need food and clothing, money and supplies. And she had firmly ensured that I had them.

She had insisted I take servants, too; strong men to tend the camels and guard us upon the road. “Freedom is strong wine, Vashti, and its taste is new to you. But you cannot simply gallop off with only the clothes on your back and no one to protect you.”

So: a small caravan. A woman, a man. Servants and pack animals. Waiting to say farewell, and depart as the sun rose to light our path.

Queen Esther had come to the gate to watch me ride away. Hatach stood beside her, pride in his rank as Chief Eunuch giving him new distinction. “So this is good-bye,” Esther said. “Vashti, you are certain this is what you wish to do? I cannot persuade you to remain?”

I glanced over at Hegai, who smiled at me. I shook my head.

I stood there beside Sunrise, feeling the mare's breath warm against my neck. I looked at Esther, and heard myself say, “Come with me. Ride with me as my sister.”

For an instant she looked—wistful, I thought later. Then she smiled, and shook her head, and the tiny gems chained into her dark-fire hair glinted like hungry eyes.

“I can't. Even if I could bear to leave Ahasuerus, there is—”

“The child. Yes, I know. You'll be a good queen.”

“Perhaps. I can only try. It will be easier once the scandal Haman caused is forgotten. That will not take many moons. This is the court of Persia; memories last only so long as they are convenient.”

She would make a better queen than I had done. Perhaps all queens should be reared first by horse-traders and then by scholars. Just as I no longer needed the shelter of a palace, the false protection of a crown, she no longer needed either Hegai or me. Sunrise blew upon my neck; a soft warm reminder that she waited.

“This is farewell, then.” I set my hand upon Sunrise's muzzle. Soft as velvet. I smoothed my hand down her proudly arched neck. Strong as steel. So would I be; strong and gentle both. And more, I would be free. Free to be hungry, to be tired, to be dead if I could not keep myself alive.

I can. I can live. And I can die. I can be Vashti.
I thought of embracing Esther, of kissing her, but already she seemed to withdraw, shielded by the silk and jewels glowing in the dawn light. So I did neither. I merely said, “O queen, live forever,” and turned and vaulted up onto Sunrise's waiting back.

And so we rode out the palace gate, Hegai and I, as the sun rose and the palace turned to burning gold behind us. I looked back, once, but the gate was shut and the Immortals stood before it once more, faceless and silent.

“Which way, my heart?” Hegai asked, and I laughed.

“Does it matter?” I reached into my belt and pulled out the
pur
—the lot—that I had taken from Haman. As Hegai watched, I closed my eyes and flung the small carved bit of bone into the air. I opened my eyes again, looked down into the dust beneath my horse's feet.

“That way,” I said. Hegai would have dismounted, to retrieve the
pur
and set it once more into my hand, but I shook my head. It was morning, and I had no more need of anything from the palace. The
pur
had told me all I needed to know. Men and women hastened past us through Shushan's great gates into the city, seeking the center of the world. Hegai and I rode out through those gates, to the west, following the rays of the rising sun.