FullDisclosure (15 page)

Obviously trying to calm himself, Evan took several deep breaths. But the fire in his eyes and the color in his cheeks barely diminished. The ire Jake saw smoldering in Evan did nothing to cool his own.

“Are you saying I do?” asked Evan, fists clenched.

“Damn right I am! You’ve got a lot of nerve coming in here and tossing accusations at me about a woman
you
threw away like an old pair of underwear.”

“I did not throw her away!”

“Then what the fuck do you call it?”

Through gritting teeth, Evan ground out, “I did what I could. I had other responsibilities. You know that.” But he was no longer meeting Jake’s gaze and Jake noticed.

“Yeah, sure. You keep telling yourself that. Frankly
I’m
sick of hearing about it. Those responsibilities are just a big fat excuse.”

“Excuse? Excuse for what?”

“An excuse for not committing. An excuse for not letting yourself get close…to people.” Because he couldn’t stand to be close to Evan anymore—and because at that moment he didn’t fully trust his own emotions, he stormed out onto the balcony where the remnants of his breakfast with Sadie stared up at him from dirty plates. They’d had such a blissful morning. Sensual, happy and perfect. How could it all go to hell so fast?

He’d loved their time together, enjoyed every moment and didn’t know if he’d ever felt quite so connected to a woman. But he’d be lying if he didn’t admit that a tiny part of him had continually whispered that this was wrong. That he was somehow cheating on Evan—on a man who had as much as said he didn’t want him. His guilt didn’t make sense. And neither did Evan.

Evan followed him, barely allowing Jake a moment to collect himself before he was back in Jake’s face.

“I’m
committed
to Rachel. You have no idea what that means to me, how I’ve longed for a child. I always dreamed of having children, but was never smart enough to pick a wife who wanted them too. And now I have one. I have a daughter. She fell into my lap like a package from heaven. But she’s delicate, fragile. If I do or say the wrong thing, she could fall right back out again.”

“And you’re willing to throw away everything else in your life that you care about? You’re willing to gamble all that away? For her?”

For the first time Evan seemed chastened. The color drained from his cheeks and his eyes ceased to burn. “If I have to. Yes.”

“But you shouldn’t have to.”

“There’s a lot of things in life that we do even though we shouldn’t have to. Life isn’t fair, Jake. You know that.”

“This isn’t about fair. That’s not what I’m talking about.”

“Then what
are
you talking about?”

Jake sighed, considering his answer carefully. “You love her then. You love her no matter what she believes or who she is. You love and accept her
as she is
because she’s your daughter, right?”

Evan nodded.

“But you don’t trust her to love you.”

He blinked. “Of course I do.”

“No, you don’t. Not the real you. Not the Evan who sleeps with Jake Maynard. Or the Evan who fooled around with a married woman.” It was a risk, but something told Jake it was a risk he needed to take.

The panicked look in Evan’s eyes and the strangled whisper of an answer confirmed it. “Nothing ever happened between us.”

“But you wanted it to, didn’t you?”

Evan moved to the railing, braced his hands against it and hung his head. “Yes. I did. I never wanted anything so much in my life. But it didn’t happen because it
couldn’t
happen.” Jake joined him and was standing very close when Evan raised his head. “I seem to have a knack for loving things I can’t have.”

Jake’s heart twisted. There was so much to say, so much that needed to be said, yet he had no idea how to say it. Where to start. So instead he acted.

He kissed Evan—cupped his jaw in his hands, held him firm and joined their mouths with as much passion and sincerity as he could muster. And Evan let him.

Evan didn’t hesitate, didn’t pull away. He fell into the kiss as if it were a tall glass of cool water and he was a man dying of thirst. There was a passion there and perhaps a sense of relief.

Jake understood that because he felt it too. This felt right. So right. It always had.

Evan’s fists bunched in Jake’s shirt as if he didn’t want to let go, but eventually, because they had to draw breath, they did.

Jake whispered, “If she doesn’t love the real you, Evan—if she doesn’t
know
her real father then what’s the point? It’ll just be another relationship built on lies and false hopes. And you know what happens to relationships like that, don’t you? You’ve been there before.”

Evan held his gaze, and for a moment Jake thought perhaps he’d gotten through. That he’d made Evan see the truth.

But his words shattered Jake’s hopes. “I can’t.” Evan stepped back and Jake’s heart fell. “I can’t do this.”

And before Jake could argue, Evan was gone. The next thing Jake heard was the door to his apartment slamming closed.

Sadie slipped back into the bedroom, very quietly eased the door closed and leaned against it.
Be quiet
, she told herself.
Breathe.

But the self-admonitions did nothing to calm the wild beating of her heart or cool the heat in her cheeks. Her eyes still swam with the image she’d seen through the clear glass balcony doors.

She’d finally roused her courage to come out and speak to the two men, come clean about what had happened between her and Jake and try to sort out her feelings when she had witnessed something that changed everything.

Evan and Jake had kissed. Deeply. Passionately. They had kissed like they had done it many times before. They had kissed like lovers. More importantly they kissed like two people in love.

On wobbly legs, she moved over to the bed and sank gratefully into its welcoming softness.

What did this mean? She didn’t know what to think. When Evan had shown up she’d immediately felt guilt over what had happened with Jake. Logical or not, she’d had this vague sense that she’d been unfaithful to Evan, betrayed him somehow. She’d scolded herself for it, told herself that they could never be together anyway and that she owed Evan nothing—nothing beyond the friendship they’d once shared. But that hadn’t changed a thing. The chemistry between them—the electricity that had immediately sparked to life—was a vivid reminder of how much more than friends they truly had been. Although nothing had ever happened between them—nothing beyond one, solitary, mind-numbing kiss in a moment of weakness—merely being together had felt like infidelity. Their attraction had been that strong. That visceral.

And then he’d told her that he’d divorced that harpy that he’d once walked down the aisle with. They were both free! Finally free to be together. And yet he’d chosen not to be. His explanations had been too vague, too thin. And it had been her turn to feel a sense of betrayal.

But then he had kissed her. And in that moment she had been willing to forget everything, to fall back into love with him and give herself over to him completely, no matter what it cost her. No matter who it hurt.

And then Jake had walked in and she had remembered just how much he meant to her as well. How much she couldn’t bear the thought of hurting a man who had done so much for her, who had made her feel more special—more complete—than she’d felt in years.

Once again she was the betrayer—and unable to face that, she had fled.

Then, just as she’d girded up her courage to do just that, she’d been faced with a new hurdle. A fresh betrayal. One more baffling and confusing than anything she’d ever encountered before. Evan and Jake were lovers? Did that mean Jake was just using her? But for what purpose? Or had he been using Evan? Was he some sort of kinky gold digger? And if Evan was gay—how could his kiss have felt so real?

She no longer knew who was betraying whom. Who was in love with whom? And who had lied about what?

To confuse things even further, she had to admit something about watching that kiss moved her. Deeply. It had seemed so ardent—so real. She pressed a hand to her stomach as, even now, the memory of what she’d seen stirred up a fresh flood of butterflies. How could she feel betrayed and yet moved and aroused at the same time?

She didn’t know what to think, or who to talk to. She needed time, time to think. Time to sort all this out. At that moment what she needed was to be alone. She had to get out of there.

Constable Rufus Severn lowered his binoculars and leaned against a delicate birch tree to contemplate what he had just seen.

After following Evan Valerian to this trendy condo on the lakeshore, using his uniform to gain quick access and taking note of which floor Evan’s elevator had stopped on, he’d stationed himself in the park below and scanned the balconies for signs of activity.

His diligence had been rewarded, and he had gained more information than he’d dreamed possible. Not only had the activities of this kinky little love triangle given him a king-size boner and fodder for fantasies the likes of which he would never divulge to his buddies down at the precinct, but he now knew exactly what had happened to Sadie Ballantyne. Evan had led him right to her.

Now all he had to do was sit back and wait.

Sadie did up the button on her denim shorts and slipped on a loose-fitting T-shirt. She glanced at the stack of new clothes she’d accumulated and was just considering whether she should pack them up when there was a knock on the bedroom door.

“Sadie? Baby? Are you okay?”

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. “Yes, Jake. I’m fine.”

There was a moment’s hesitation. “You don’t sound fine. Can I come in?”

She stared at the door, wishing there was some magical way to slip through it and past Jake without being seen or noticed. But she had no magic wand and no fairy godmother. And as much as she wanted to avoid confronting him, this was still Jake’s apartment and his bedroom and she had no right to deny him access.

“Of course,” she said, although her voice was weak. “It’s your room.”

There was a very distinct pause before the knob turned and the door swung open. Jake stepped in, although slowly and with exaggerated care. His eyebrows were knit together with concern. “This is
your
room for as long as you like, Sadie. I only knocked because you’d been in here a long time, and considering the way you ran off I was concerned.”

“I’m fine, really,” she lied. “There’s nothing wrong. I just needed…” No longer able to meet his gaze, she shifted her gaze to the window. Clouds had begun to roll in and she wondered if a storm was brewing. The weather had been exceptionally fine this spring, they were overdue for some rain. “I just needed to get dressed.”

“Sadie.” His hands were on her shoulders, warm and strong and insistent. He turned her toward him so that she no longer had a choice but to meet his eyes. “Something upset you. Something happened out on that balcony with Evan, and it obviously upset you. Maybe what happened is none of my business, but how you’re feeling is. I can’t stand to see you upset. Please tell me what’s going on so I can help.”

When she still said nothing, he cupped her chin and stroked his thumb across her cheek. He sighed. “But I don’t want to pry. If you’re not comfortable telling me—”

“No.” She shook her head, then leaned in so that he would wrap her in his arms. She rested her head on his shoulder. “No, it’s not that. It’s not that I’m not comfortable telling you, it’s that I don’t know
what
to tell you. I’m so confused, Jake. I don’t know what to think or what to say. I just don’t know what to make of it.”

“Well, why don’t you start by telling me exactly what
it
is.”

She sighed, gently withdrew from Jake and decided she needed the support of the bed instead. She sat down on the edge. “I guess
it
is my feelings. My feelings for you.” She glanced at Jake. “And my feelings for Evan.”

He joined her on the bed. “I figured as much. Seeing him again must have brought back all kinds of old feelings. And now you’ve got me all mixed up in there as well.”

She nodded, her gaze trained on her hands clasped tightly in her lap. “I guess I’m not sure what’s happening between us, and what it all means. And then I saw Evan and…”

She finally allowed herself to look at Jake and it was her undoing. It all came spilling out. “I love Evan, Jake. I’ve loved him from the first moment I saw him. I was never truly happy with Philip and Evan was like this glowing light of hope. But he was a light that I could never quite reach, never truly get close to. I was married. He was married. It was all impossible. I knew he felt the same way but I had resigned myself to the fact that we could never be together. And now…”

Jake nodded understanding. “And now you’ve found out he’s free to be with you. And yet he’s choosing not to be.”

She erupted from the bed, suddenly restless and eager to talk. “Yes! I mean… What the hell? He didn’t even answer my letter when I wrote to him asking for help, and now he shows up here? Telling me he cares, but that we
still
can’t be together? And then…and then…” She stared at Jake, realizing that what she was about to say could hurt him, and then decided she didn’t care. “And then he
kisses
me?” Unable to look at him and see the pain that those words might cause, she turned away and walked to the window, hoping that the view would help calm her. But the whitecaps and the angry clouds merely echoed her own turbulent mood. “I’m sorry, Jake. What we shared last night was truly special, and I’ve come to care for you, but my feelings for Evan go back much farther.”