Full Circle (42 page)

“He just died.” Jack's voice broke, and Tana began to cry. She wanted to see him just once more … to hear him laugh … see those eyes … She couldn't speak for a minute, and then she nodded her head and took a breath to fight back the sobs.

“How's Ave?”

“She seems all right.” Harrison had arrived the week before and he was staying with them. Tana looked at her watch.

“I'll go over there right now. I just called a recess for the afternoon anyway.” She could feel him tense at her words, as though he felt she were showing off for him. But that was what she did. She was a municipal court judge, and she had called a recess. “Where are you?”

“I'm at work. His father just called.”

“I'm glad he was there. Are you going over now?”

“I can't for a little while.” She nodded, realizing that if she had said that, he would have said something unpleasant to her about how important she thought she was. There was no winning with him now and Harry hadn't been able to soften him before he died, no matter how hard he tried. There had been so much he wanted to say, so much to share with those he loved. And it was over so soon. Tana drove over the Bay Bridge with tears streaming down her face, and then suddenly, it was as though she felt him next to her and she smiled. He was gone, but he was everywhere now. With her, with Ave, with his father, his kids …

“Hi, kid.” She smiled into the air as she drove, and the tears continued to flow and when she arrived at the house, he was already gone. They had taken him to prepare him for the services, and Harrison was sitting in the living room, looking stunned. He looked suddenly very old, and Tana realized he was almost seventy now. And with grief etched on his still handsome face, he looked even older than that. She said nothing at all, she just went to him, and they held each other tight, and Averil came out of the bedroom after that, wearing a simple black dress, her blond hair pulled back and her wedding ring on her left hand. Harry had given her some beautiful things from time to time, but she wore nothing now— only her grief and her pride and their love, as she stood surrounded by the life and the home and the children they had shared. She looked oddly beautiful as she stood there, and in a strange way Tana envied her. She and Harry had shared something that few people ever had, for however long, and it had been worth everything to them. And suddenly, for the first time in her life, she felt a void. She was sorry that she hadn't married him a long time before, or someone else … gotten married … had kids … it left an aching hole in her that refused to be filled. All through the services, at the cemetery as they left him there, and afterwards, when she was alone again, she felt something she couldn't have explained to anyone, and when she tried to tell Jack, he shook his head and stared at her.

“Don't go crazy now, Tan, just because Harry died.” She had told him that she suddenly felt her life was a waste because she had never married and had kids. “I've done both, and believe me it doesn't change a damn thing. Don't kid yourself, not everyone has what they did. In fact, I've never known anyone who did, except them. And if you got married looking for that, you'd be disappointed, because it wouldn't be there.”

“How do you know that? It might.” She was disappointed by what he said.

“Take my word for it.”

“You can't make a judgment on that. You knocked up some twenty-one-year-old girl and got married lickety split because you had to. That's different from making an intelligent choice at our age.”

“Are you trying to put pressure on me, Tan?” He suddenly looked angrily at her, and all the handsome blond good looks seemed suddenly drawn and tired. Losing Harry had been rough on him too. “Don't do that to me now. This isn't the time.”

“I'm just telling you what I feel.”

“You feel like shit because your best friend just died. But don't go getting all romantic about it, and the secret of life being marriage and kids. Believe me, it's not.”

“How the hell do you know that? You can't decide for anyone but yourself. Don't try to evaluate things for me, goddammit, Jack,” all her feelings suddenly came rushing out, “you're so fucking scared to give a damn about anyone, you squeak anytime someone comes too close. And you know what? I'm fucking sick of you punishing me all the time because I got made a judge last year!”

“Is that what you think I do?” It was a relief for both of them to scream a little bit, but there was truth in her words, and they hit home so hard he slammed out of her house, and she didn't see him for three weeks. It was the longest they'd been apart voluntarily since they'd met, but he didn't call her and she didn't call him. She heard nothing at all from him until his daughter arrived in town for her annual visit, and Tana invited her to stay with her in town. Barb was excited at the idea, and when she arrived at the little house on her own the following afternoon, Tana was stunned by how much she had changed. She had just turned fifteen, and she suddenly looked like a woman now, with long lean lines, and pretty little hips and big blue eyes with her flash of red hair.

“You look great, Barb.”

“Thanks, so do you.” Tana kept her for five days, and even took her to court with her, and it was only toward the end of the week that they finally talked about Jack, and how things had changed with them.

“He yells at me all the time now.” Barbara had noticed it too, and she wasn't having a very good time with him. “My mom says he was always like that, but he never was when you were around, Tan.”

“I think he's probably pretty nervous these days.” She was making excuses for him for Barb's sake, so she didn't think it was her fault, but in truth it was a conglomerate of things: Tana, Harry, pressures in his work. Nothing seemed to be going right for him, and when Tana attempted to have dinner with him after Barbara went back to Detroit, it ended in more bickering again. They were arguing about what Averil should do with the house. He thought she should sell and move into town, and Tana disagreed. “That house means a lot to her; they've been there for years.”

“She needs a change, Tan. You can't hang on to the past.”

“Why the hell are you so desperately afraid to hang on to anything? It's almost as if you're afraid to give a damn.” She had noticed that a lot about him of late. He always wanted to be free and unattached, never tied down. It was a wonder the relationship had lasted as long as it had, but it certainly wasn't in good shape now, and at the end of the summer, fate dealt them another blow. Just as she had been told, when she was offered her seat on the municipal court bench a year before, an opening had come up, and she was being kicked up into superior court. She almost didn't have the heart to tell Jack, but she didn't want him to hear it from someone else first. Gritting her teeth, she dialed him at home one night. She was in her cozy little house, reading some law books she had brought home, to check some remote statutes of the penal code, and she held her breath as he answered the phone.

“Hi, Tan, what's up?” He sounded more relaxed than he had in months, and she hated to spoil his good mood, which she knew her news would. And she was right. He sounded as though someone had punched him in the gut when she told him she was being made a superior court judge.

“That's nice. When?” He sounded as though she had just planted a cobra at his feet.

“In two weeks. Would you come to my induction, or would you rather not be there?”

“That's a hell of a thing to say. I gather you'd just as soon I not come.” He was so sensitive, there was no talking to him.

“I didn't say that. But I know how uptight you get about my work.”

“What makes you think that?”

“Oh, please, Jack … let's not get into that now.…” She was too tired after a long day, and everything seemed harder and sadder and more difficult now that Harry was gone. And with the relationship with Jack on the rocks, it wasn't the happiest time of her life, to say the least. “I hope you'll come.”

“Does that mean I won't see you till then?”

“Of course not. You can see me whenever you want.”

“How about tomorrow night?” It was almost as if he were testing her.

“Great. Your place or mine?” She laughed but he did not.

“Yours gives me claustrophobia. I'll pick you up outside City Hall at six.”

“Yes, sir.” She put a mock salute in her voice, but he didn't laugh, and when they met the next day, their mood was gray. They both missed Harry terribly and the only difference was that Tana talked about it, and Jack would not. He had taken another attorney into the partnership, and he seemed to like the man. He talked about that a lot, and about how successful the man had been, how much money they were going to make. It was obvious that he still had a chip on his shoulder over Tana's work, and by the next morning, it was a relief when he dropped her off at City Hall again. He was going to Pebble Beach that weekend to play golf with a bunch of guys and he hadn't invited her, and she was relieved as she walked up the steps of City Hall with a sigh. He certainly didn't make her life easy these days, and now and then she thought of what Harry had said to her before he died. But it was hopeless thinking of anything permanent with Jack. He just wasn't that kind of man. And Tana didn't kid herself anymore. She wasn't that kind of girl anyway. It was probably why they had gotten along for as long as they had. Not that that seemed to apply anymore. The friction between them was almost more than she could bear, and she was actually grateful when she discovered that he was going to be in Chicago on a business trip when she was inducted into superior court.

It was a small, simple ceremony this time, presided over by the presiding judge of the superior court. There were half a dozen other judges there, her old friend the D.A., who happily said “I told you so” over her swift move up, and a handful of other people she cared about, and Averil was in Europe with Harrison and the kids. She had decided to winter in London that year, just to get away for a while, and she had put the children in school there. Harrison had talked her into it, and he looked happy when he left with his grandchildren in tow. There had been a heartbreaking moment alone with Tana just before that, when he actually put his face in his hands and cried, wondering if Harry had known how much he had loved him, and she insisted that he had. It helped assuage his sorrow and his guilt over the early years to take care of his daughter-in-law and his grandchildren now. But it wasn't the same without them at Tana's swearing-in and it was odd to look around and not see Jack.

The actual swearing-in was done by a judge of the court of appeals, a man Tana had met once or twice over the years. He had thick black hair, ferocious dark eyes, and a look which would have frightened anyone, as he towered over them all in his dark robes, but he also had quick laughter, a keen mind, and a surprising gentleness. He was particularly well known for some very controversial decisions he had made, which had been played up in the national press, and in particular the New York Times, and the Washington Post, as well as the Chronicle. Tana had read about him a lot, and wondered just how ferocious he was, but she was intrigued to see now that he was less lion and more lamb, or at least he was at her swearing-in. They chatted for a while about his superior court days, and she knew that he had also run the biggest law firm in town, before being made a judge. He had an interesting career behind him, though she suspected that he wasn't more than forty-eight or forty-nine. For a long time, he had been kind of a “wunderkind,” and she liked him very much as he shook her hand, and congratulated her warmly again, before he left.

“I'm impressed.” Her old friend the D.A. smiled at her. “That's the first time I've ever seen Russell Carver at a swearing-in. You're getting to be awfully important, my friend.”

“He probably had to pay his parking tickets downstairs, and someone recruited him.” They both laughed. Actually, he was a close friend of the presiding judge, and had volunteered his services for the swearing-in. He looked the part anyway, with his dark hair and serious face.

“You should have seen him when he was the presiding judge here, Tan. Shit, he threw one of our D.A.'s into the can on contempt of court for three weeks and I couldn't get the poor bastard out.”

Tana laughed, just imagining it. “I'm lucky that never happened to me, I guess.”

“Didn't you ever have him as a judge?”

“Only twice. He's been on the court of appeals for a hell of a long time.”

“I guess he has. He's not very old though, as I recall. Forty-nine, fifty, fifty-one … something like that…”

“Who's that?” The presiding judge wandered over to them and shook Tana's hand again. It was a nice day for her, and she was suddenly glad that Jack wasn't there. It was so much easier like this, and not having to hold her breath or apologize to him.

“We were talking about Justice Carver.”

“Russ? He's forty-nine. He went to Stanford with me.” The presiding judge smiled, “although I'll admit he was a few years behind.” In fact, he had been a freshman when the presiding judge graduated from law school, but their families had been friends. “He's a hell of a nice guy, smart as hell.”

“He has to be.” Tana spoke admiringly. There was another leap to contemplate. The court of appeals. What a thought. Maybe in another decade or two. And in the meantime, she was going to enjoy this. Superior court was going to be just her cup of tea. They were going to have her trying criminal cases in no time at all, since that was her area of expertise. “It was nice of him to do my swearing-in today.” She smiled at everyone.

“He's a nice guy.” Everyone said that about the man, and she sent him a little note, thanking him for taking the time to make her induction an even more special event, and the next day, he called and there was laughter in his voice.

“You're awfully polite. I haven't had a bread-and-butter letter like that in twenty years at least.”

She laughed in embarrassment and thanked him for the call. “It was just a very nice thing to do. Like having the Pope around when you take religious vows.”

“Oh, my God … what a thought. Is that what you were doing last week? I take it all back…” They both laughed and they chatted for a while. She invited him to stop into her court whenever he was around, and she felt a comfortable warmth at the confrerie she was a part of now, judges and justices, all working together. It was like having arrived at Mount Olympus at last, and it was a hell of a lot easier in some ways than prosecuting cases against rapists and murderers, building a case and arguing, although she had enjoyed that too. Here, she had to keep a clearer head, an objective outlook, and she had never studied so much law in her life. She was buried in a stack of books in her chambers two weeks later, when Justice Carver took her at her word and came by. “Is this what I condemned you to?” He stood in her doorway and smiled. Her clerk had long since gone home, and she was frowning in concentration as she pored over six open books at once, comparing statutes and precedents as he wandered in and she looked up with a smile.