Full Circle (32 page)

In the morning, despite their efforts to persuade her to stay, Louisa bid a grateful farewell to Hamish and Margaret, then drove back to Lexleigh. She knew exactly what she meant to do, but first she must write to Leo. A month ago the idea of such a letter would have been unthinkable, but on that morning she knew in her heart – as perhaps she had always known if she'd had the courage to look for the truth – that she had been no more than a passing fancy until someone else caught his eye. The knowledge didn't grieve her; indeed, it eased her conscience.

The neighbour with so much window trouble ‘just happened' to see her arrive.

‘Bad job it is, Miss Harding. You missed the real blaze. That came after you'd gone off with the gardener chap,' her neighbour called down to her from the open bedroom window opposite. ‘No proper post for you this morning, but I did see young Bella put a note in your box.'

‘Thank you, I have the key to the box, I'll get it. I was just going to call at Ridgeway but I'll see what she says first.'

The net curtain must have come off its hooks again, for the window still required attention. Louisa took the note from the box and haggled the envelope open. It was a brief message, but one that cleared her mind of everything but the stark words she read.

‘Nothing wrong, is there? She's not been gone two minutes; she cut back over the stile into the field.'

Raising her hand in wordless thanks, Louisa hurried to the stile. Bella was on the far side of the ditch and level with about half the length of the field when she turned into the wood.

‘No, Bella!' she spoke aloud to herself. ‘Wait for me, Bella.' High heels aren't intended for recently turned soil and after a couple of steps Louisa took her shoes off and ran on her stockinged feet despite the discomfort. Once in the wood she put her shoes on, not caring that they would be ruined. Glancing at her watch, she saw it was twenty-five to eleven, which meant there was only five minutes before the express train would rush through Lexleigh Halt. As she ran, repeatedly her skirt was caught on sharp twigs and each time she tore herself free with no thought of anything but that she
must
reach Bella before the train came. The centre of the overgrown wood was dark in comparison with the autumn morning, but with relief she saw the first glimmer of a bright sky as the trees towards the edge thinned. In the distance she heard the whistle of the train as it approached and then, oh, thank God, there was Bella. She must reach her, she must!

There was a steep slope down to the railway track and Bella knew she had to time it just right; too soon and on the long, straight track the driver would see her and stop before he reached her; too late and she wouldn't be in front of it before it reached her. In a normal mental state she would have heard Louisa blundering through the bracken on the edge of the wood, but neither her night nor her morning had been normal. As she closed her eyes and lurched forward, ready to hurl herself down the slope, she felt strong arms around her.

‘No!' she screamed, fighting to get free. ‘Let me go, let me go!' But she knew it was too late; the express was leaving them in a cloud of sooty smoke.

‘No, Bella, dear Bella.' It was not at all the way Louisa usually spoke, but the words came naturally as she held the younger woman.

‘Why did you stop me?' Bella sobbed. ‘Just want to die. I can't go on, Lou. I would have found Ali, I know I would.'

‘And Leo? Do you think he doesn't feel the same? Share your grief with him, Bella.'

‘Can't.' Bella was shaking from head to foot and crying so that it was hard to understand her words. ‘Don't love him. Thought I did. We never laugh. No, I don't love him. He doesn't love me. I thought he was in love with you. Ought to have minded but I didn't. Proves I never loved him. Just want to die.' As her garbled words poured out amidst snorts and sobs, with Louisa still keeping a firm hold on her they sunk to the ground where they sat with Bella leaning against her as if for support.

‘Did you leave a letter for Leo?'

Bella nodded, still struggling with sentences. ‘I told him I was leaving him. There's nothing without Ali. He's taken Dad out. Last time he can take him from home. He's taking him to a mental nursing home this afternoon. Dr Saunders said so.' It was hard to understand all she said. Her short, half-formed sentences tumbled out, almost lost in the crying she couldn't control. ‘I don't care. Not about any of it. Not any more. Is that wicked? Oh, Lou, why didn't you let me go? I was screwed up ready. By now it could have been over.' But her crying was getting quieter and she leant back against Louisa, clearly finding comfort in her nearness.

They stayed like that for some time, not even noticing that after rain in the night the ground was damp. Hysteria gave way to quiet misery; misery gave way to acceptance. Bella's strength seemed to come from Louisa, even though she could see no shape to the future.

There on the far side of the wood they felt cut off from all humanity. When Louisa saw that Bella's swollen eyelids had closed she still held her, her own thoughts going on a far off journey of their own. So they sat for perhaps half an hour or longer, until Bella woke with some of her hopeless misery overtaken by thankfulness that she was alive.

‘Is it a sin to feel sort of hopeful?' she murmured. ‘I'm walking out on Leo, I don't know what sort of a job I can get, and yet I feel – I feel
safe
. Is that wicked?'

Louisa laughed, looking down at her snagged skirt and broken shoes. ‘It's a very promising start. And despite my tatty appearance, that's how I feel, too. You know the best medicine in the world? An adventure. And that's what we're going to have. But first I must brush my hair, repair my face and then buy something to wear. This is all I have. And while Leo is seeing Mr Carter settled in his new surroundings you must go back to Ridgeway and fill a case with clothes. I look like a tramp; I'm ashamed even to go into a shop in this state. Collect a hair brush when you get your things.'

Bella turned her head and gave a weak smile, but at least there was the light of hope in her eyes. ‘This really is a new start – for both of us.' But she had no idea in what direction the new start was to take them.

Nothing could happen overnight but when, driving to town in the afternoon, Louisa talked to her about a plan to start a new life in Australia, Bella felt like a person rescued from the hangman's noose. She listened as Louisa told her what she had read in the newspaper about the Australian government wanting immigrants from Britain.

‘But I'm not clever like you,' she said, frightened to let herself believe what she was hearing. ‘I can't see that they'd want
me.
And I couldn't afford the fare to Australia.'

‘But you could, Bella, It's subsidized. It will cost us nine pounds. How's that? The paper gave a whole list of people they want and we both fit the bill,' Louisa reassured her. ‘I am an accountant and you, from today onwards, are my secretary. How's that? We'll go to Perth, I'll start my own business. It was successful in Lexleigh and so it will be there. But there are things we have to clear up first: the house, your marriage, my outstanding work, and there will be medicals, I expect, and masses of forms.' Then, with a teasing smile, ‘My new secretary is going to have a busy time. You do type?'

‘I was taught in the orphanage.'

It was January when they left the lodgings they had found in town and returned to Lexleigh to spend their last night with Hamish and Margaret. In the afternoon, while Louisa was with the solicitor signing papers to give him Power of Attorney over all her affairs, Bella took a bunch of early snowdrops to put on Ali's grave. For a long time she knelt on the winter-cold earth, imagining the sleeping child only feet below the newly erected headstone. How could she go to the other side of the world and leave her? Never to come here and know that she was close … She put out her hand, rested it on the marble Leo had chosen and was shocked by the coldness even on her own chilly hand. Ali had been warm; her soft, baby-chubby flesh had smelt as fresh as a spring morning. Closing her eyes, Bella folded her arms as though she were holding her, and surely those little arms were around her neck. She moved her face in the emptiness of the cold air, and yet she knew the sweet softness of Ali's cheeks and heard her chuckle in the cold January air.

‘You'll be with me, Ali, my blessed darling. Wherever I go you'll always be with me and I'll always be with you.'

Even though she knew the truth of what she said, walking away was hard. She knew that something of her would remain by that tiny grave no matter where she went or however long she lived.

The next day a ‘Closed for One Day' sign was nailed to the locked gate of the nursery so that Hamish and Margaret could drive them to Southampton.

‘The best is yet to come,' Louisa said as, with the ship's sirens sounding, the liner slowly pulled away from the dockside. Around them some people were keyed up and excited; others were weeping. Louisa was neither. She was confident that whatever they found on the other side of the world they would make a good life out of it. Gone was the austere, unbending woman cut out for spinsterhood. What she had become was due to Leo. He had made her whole; her confidence was no longer a façade. It was as genuine as the certainty that, just like Jessica, she and Bella were following the path of Destiny.

In the throng of people on the quay she couldn't be sure which were Hamish and Margaret but she gave a last wave anyway. Turning to speak to Bella, she was surprised to see she had her eyes closed and her arms loosely folded in front of her, while on her lovely face was the hint of a smile.

‘Yes,' Bella said, opening her eyes. ‘The best is yet to come. And we'll see to it that it's a really good best.'