Fuck Valentine's Day (4 page)

An
hour later, I was digging under my seat surreptitiously trying to
find my newest clue while Quinn's hand slid up my thigh, once again
reminding me that I was wearing a short, black dress and no panties.
I am not a commando girl under normal circumstances and I have to
say, the extra breeze factor was not all it's cracked up to be.

“
You
wanna go back to your place after this?” Quinn asked as I slid
my eyes over to him and tried not to turn bright as fuck red. His
lips were a bit swollen, nicked by my teeth, and he was leaning back,
gazing at me from those pretty blue eyes like I was the perfect
catch.
Aha!
My hand finally brushed the edge of something,
and I grabbed onto it like it was a lifeline.

“
Um,
not sure,” I whispered as Preston Ellis appeared in the corner
of my eye, handsome and studious, as always. His glasses were clean
and polished, shining under the bright lights as he ascended the
steps to the stage and took over for the world's laziest professor,
one who thought student assistants were there so he could hit on some
of his favorite coeds during class. Namely the ones who sat in the
front row and forgot to cross their legs when they wore shirt skirts.
Considering my commando status, I didn't just remember, I seriously
considered gluing my knees together to keep my bits hidden.

“
We're
going to be moving on to chapter seven … ” Preston began
as I dragged my prize out from beneath the seat and set it in my lap.
I had to try really, really hard not to keep staring at the cut on
his forehead. Or his ass when he turned around. Either way, the man
was distracting as all get out.

“
I
was thinking, if you wanted, we could even go somewhere else, you
know. That is, if you're into that kind of thing.” I ignored
Quinn and examined my clue. It was a wooden box with a red envelope
taped to the top. Fortunately, Quinn was too busy checking out my
tits to really notice that I had something in my lap much less where
it had come from. I opened the envelope first.

You
found them. Nice job, Andi. Can I call you Andi? Inside the box
you'll find one of my favorite Valentine's Day treats along with your
next clue. Enjoy.

I
tucked the note into my textbook and cracked open the lid to the box.
Inside, layered in pink velvet, were a pair of metal handcuffs.
Real nice ones. Fancy ones with a heart shaped key and everything.
Goose bumps sprung up all over my skin and I found my pulse racing
like I had just run a marathon.

Rational
Andi:
Yeah. Seriously. Do you need anymore proof? This fuck is
a stalker. Like a big time stalker.

Horny
Andi:
Yum. Handcuffs.

Rational
Andi:
Which this bitch is going to use to attach you to the
bumper of his cargo van and drag you along the interstate. Are you
insane? Go to the campus police. Now. Get a Doberman pinscher.
Something. Anything. Hello? Are you even listening?
Pause.
Aw, go fuck yourself. And don't come crawling to me when you're
lit up with seventy-five watts and draped over a brass lamp.

I
slammed the lid shut on the box and cringed when the sound rang out
through the quiet space between Preston's words. When I looked up,
not only was he staring at me, but so was half the class.
Nice.
I swallowed hard, grabbed Quinn's hand and dragged him out the
door. As soon as we hit the pavement, he was pushing me up against a
wall and kissing my neck. Whoa. Talk about sending wrong messages.
First, I turned him down, then I practically fucked him, and now …
wow … I couldn't give a shit less about him. I needed to find
Mystery Man before curiosity really did kill the cat. Or the pussy.
Whatever.

“
I
knew you were hot for me,” he whispered as I tried to get my
raging hormones under control. Despite what Rational Andi thought, I
was intrigued. This guy, whoever he was, had me at
handcuffs.
Damn, but I was falling for him and I hadn't even met him yet.

Rational
Andi:
He's probably, like, three hundred friggin' pounds with a
hairy beer belly and a lisp.

I
ignored her and pushed Quinn off, using the wooden box to put space
between us. He stepped back, but he didn't look happy about it. His
hands went straight in his pockets and he puffed out a huge breath of
air.

“
What's
up with you?” he asked me, tilting his head to the side like he
was a bird or something. “You are like, a big time faucet.”
I blinked stupidly back at him.

“
Huh?”
I asked as the door opened behind me and footsteps approached
quickly. I glanced over my shoulder and found Preston coming towards
us with a frown on his face.

“
You
know, the whole 'hot-cold' thing?”

“
Excuse
me,” Preston said as he stepped between us, totally cutting off
Quinn from sight. I looked up, up, up and tried to focus on the
small white bandage on his forehead instead of the fire in his eyes.
And believe you me, it was burning in those big brown orbs nice and
hot.
“But you dropped these.” He reached out a
hand and showed me a pair of pink and white striped panties that were
totally
not
mine.

Rational
Andi:
They're from your fucking stalker, you dumb ass. You
dropped them after you made an ass out of yourself. The professor
was the one that found them and picked them up, friggin'
sniffed
them, and tried to bring them out to you. You're lucky Preston
was there to interfere.

I
did not ask my rational mind how she knew things that I clearly did
not (or maybe she was just guessing) and accepted the panties
gratefully. After all, I wasn't wearing any. Maybe I could just
slip into the bathroom and put them on?

“
Wow,
this is awkward,” I said as Preston stepped back and revealed
the empty space where Quinn had been.
That asshat!
I thought
angrily as I looked around and found hide nor hair of him. “But,
uh, thanks, and sorry.” Preston's right brow quirked, just the
one. “You know for, uh, hurting your head and all.”

“
My
head
is fine,” he said and somehow, I got this sort of
flirty vibe from him. It gave me the chills down my spine. “But
what I'd really like to know is how you managed to drop your
underwear in a lecture hall. Doesn't happen everyday, you know.”
I paused and opened my mouth to explain, but I was a pretty shitty
liar, so nothing came out but air and more spit. Yep, I was a
drooler for sure.
Attractive, Andi. Nice job.

“
I
have to go,” I said as I turned away suddenly. Preston caught
my arm at the last second, spun me to face him and pulled me close,
kissing the hell out of me as I struggled to grasp two things.
First, was that geeky Preston was a better kisser than badass Quinn,
and second, that his hand was creeping down my back towards my ass.
I shoved him in the chest, not because I wanted to, but because he
was dangerously close to discovering that I was commando and tried to
come up with something to say. Two years I had stalked Preston and
only now was anything happening because of it. Maybe he'd been
crushing on me all that time, too? But no, I wasn't that lucky.

“
Don't
be a stranger,” he said, and then he turned around and
disappeared back into the auditorium leaving me even more confused
than I'd been earlier. Twenty-two years and hardly any interest from
the opposite sex. Now, suddenly, just days before the worst holiday
of the year, I was getting crushed on by not one but two, possibly
three (including my stalker), guys? What the heck?

Rational
Andi:
You're exuding whore pheromones. Put on some damn Chanel
or some shit. Cover up that crap.

Horny
Andi:
Go to hell and rot.

I
stuffed the panties in my book bag and peeled the envelope off of the
handcuff box. I'm not going to lie and say I wasn't
this
close
to chasing after Preston Ellis and using my new gift on him, but I
did have priorities. First of which was finding my mystery man and
determining if I was going to kiss him at first sight or have him
arrested. Either of which was fine by me so long as I got my inner
monologue down to a few lines a day. At this point, Rational Andi
and Horny Andi were just two steps away from putting me into an
insane asylum.

Congratulations.
You're getting better at this. Tomorrow, after your lit class,
there will be a clue attached to the bulletin board outside the
classroom door. I'm not going to give you any hints, but you should
know which one's mine. Try not to have too much fun with these
without me.

I
crumbled the note up in frustration and shoved it into my bag along
with the handcuff box. So the little bitch was going to drag this
out and make me wait. Fine. I could do that. I could handle the
wait. The question was, could my libido?

“
So
then Preston just – ” I slammed the butts of my palms
together for emphasis. “Up and kisses me. And by that time,
Quinn was nowhere to be seen. He just split without a single word,
and then he was waiting for me at my car later; I don't even know how
he knew which one was mine. I just walked into the parking lot and
BAM, there he was, leaning on the hood like a fucking porn star.
Nothing happened after that. I didn't even say
hi
to
him because I was kind of pissed off. I mean, seriously, what
the fuck?” I paused. I wanted to tell Gen about the
handcuffs, but I was afraid she was going to be judgmental. Still,
she was my best friend, so I just went for it and opened up. I
prefaced my words with, “I really appreciate you being such a
good listener.”

“
Oh,
baby,” Gen cried out as Lance drove into her and the couch
springs went into overload. I was standing in the downstairs
bathroom looking into the mirror, wishing the two of them would stop
fucking, so I could finish my conversation. In all honesty, I was
there first and Gen really, truly was listening, and then that asshat
piece of shit had to saunter in and then well, I might as well have
turned invisible. They had their pants off before I was even off the
couch. I saw Lance's dick for the first time and let me just say, I
wasn't very impressed.

“
Mystery
Man has a much nicer cock,” I said to the reflection who was
posing as my fictional, best friend Gen, the one I wished Genevieve
Pares would be, but never could because she was too self centered and
probably a nymphomaniac. “But what I am supposed to think
about the handcuffs? Is he spying on me through my window or
something, or is it just a coincidence? Either way, I mean it is
creepy, but I just can't get him out of my head. If I was to take
all the guys I've ever really had a thing for, it would go like this:
Mystery Man, Preston Ellis, Quinn Prentis, and Jake Tandor.”

Rational
Andi:
Jake Tandor was a douche.

Regular
Andi:
Can you please stop? You and Horny Andi are like days away
from putting me into an institution.

Horny
Andi:
That's your own damn fault. Go get laid.

Rational
Andi:
Yeah, seriously, that's your problem. You do need to get
laid. I can't deny it anymore. The situation has spiraled out of
control. You don't want them to remake the 'Forty Year Old Virgin'
eighteen years from now – with you as the main character.

Horny
Andi:
Yeah, and they won't even have to write a script. They'll
just do a documentary and it will be twice as funny.

Rational
Andi:
Good one, Horny, that was hilarious. Totally. Totally.

“
Goddamn,
I am fucked up,” I said as I tried to ignore the very early
signs of Schizophrenia and trudged back up to my room to get dressed.
I had little butterflies in my stomach, butterflies that were
completely and utterly convinced that today was the day where I
finally met the man whose cock had been riding around in my bag for
days. I was certain that he was going to reveal himself to me in the
most romantic way, sweep me off my feet, and show me a good time. He
was going to be tall with dark hair and blue eyes, muscular but not
beefy, and kind. His lovemaking was going to be so perfect, so on
point that the Gods themselves would invite him to join them on Mount
Olympus. He was –