From What I Remember (44 page)

“Your dad’s going to jail?” I say.

“Jail?” Kylie says.

“Seriously?” Will asks.

I pray Will doesn’t say anything else. I swear I will beat the shit out of him if he makes this worse.

“What do you mean? Why is he going to jail?” I put my arm around Lily. I need to get her to calm down, to talk to me. She’s really freaking me out.

“I just found out. Two days ago. But since you weren’t around all day yesterday, I haven’t been able to tell you. He’s been arrested for fraud, or money laundering, or, I don’t even know what.” Lily is sobbing. Hard. “I didn’t want anyone to know, but what does it matter? Everyone’s going to find out when he goes to trial.”

“Jesus Christ.” This is from Juan, in the way back. I’m sure he wished he never got on this crazy train to begin with.

“Lily, I’m so sorry I haven’t been there for you.…” I say, at a loss for more words. There’s no way to make this right. It’s all so wrong. “How did you find out?”

“Mom unloaded everything last night. But things have been weird for a while. You never want to talk, so I didn’t say anything. Maybe that’s why you haven’t told me how sick your dad is. In fact, if I remember correctly, you said he was going to be fine. I guess that’s your fallback response. Everything’s going to be fine. Don’t worry. Be happy.” Lily is now half crying, half yelling at me. This has become a very private fight in the middle of a very public car full of people.

“I’m really sorry, Lily. I should have told you,” I say.

This is all coming at me too fast. I have no idea how to react.

hat have I wrought? I was just trying to teach Lily a lesson, but now the shit has really hit the fan, and Kylie seems royally pissed at me. Max just seems depressed, and Lily, as always, seems like a nasty piece of work, but at least she’s got some real live problems to moan about. Even I’m feeling sorry for her now. And what must Juan be thinking? He probably wants to get away from us, from me, as fast as he can. He’s ruing his decision to ever get in the car. Ruing the day he met me. Me and my big mouth. “Jesus, Max, if you and I could talk, really talk, maybe we wouldn’t be in this stupid, fucking situation in the first place,” Lily says, still crying, snot running down her tearstained face. She’s unraveling. I think I prefer her as a psycho killer rather than a pitiable, crying mess.

“Maybe not,” Max says. He looks beaten down to a bloody pulp. Poor guy.

I need to introduce a cocktail of levity and a plate of titillating niblets into the mix. I created this mess. Now I’ve got to clean it up. Or at least brush it under the rug.

“I lost my virginity last night. To Juan,” I blurt out.

“No one cares,” Lily snaps.

“Will…” Kylie shoots me a warning look.

“What?” I say to her. “I was attempting to change the subject. Jesus, no medals for trying.”

No one says anything. I thought the least they could do was offer up a little congratulations. Lily is such a bitch. I take back my pity.

“You’re so selfish,” Lily says, obviously intent on blasting Max until he’s dust.

“Look, I’m really sorry about your dad. Really sorry about last night. Really sorry about everything. I don’t what know more I can say.…” Max offers.

“Lily, lay off Max. At least for right now. You guys need to talk about this, but alone,” Charlie cuts in.

“That’s right, Charlie. Defend your buddy. That’s pretty ironic, isn’t it?” Lily turns to Charlie.

“Okay, Lily, enough,” Charlie warns.

“Don’t you think it’s already gone too far, Charlie?” Lily is holding a box of matches and seems determined to torch the whole ship.

Charlie doesn’t say anything. Neither does Max, who appears to have shut down operations.

“You want more secrets?” Lily ramps it up.

Oh God, I’m not sure we can handle it.

“I don’t think we do, Lily,” Kylie says.

“Too damn bad,” Lily says. “Charlie and I hooked up yesterday, at Luca’s party.”

Yikes. Lily has lit the first match, it lays on the deck, waiting to catch fire.

“What?” Max says, visibly shaken.

I turn to Juan, who’s staring wide-eyed at the proceedings, and say, “I’m sorry. I’m really, really sorry.” This is even too much theatrics for me.

Juan puts his finger to his mouth and says simply, “Shh!” I guess he’s enjoying the show. Why not? They’re all just actors to him.

“Dude,” Charlie says. “It’s not what you think.”

“So, you did hook up?” Max says.

“No. I mean, we were drunk. Lily was upset about you. She didn’t know where you were. We kissed. That’s it.”

“What the fuck?” Max is pissed. The irony here cannot be ignored. Unfortunately, Max doesn’t seem as keenly aware of it as I am.

“Max, it didn’t mean anything.” Charlie says this more emphatically, but Max is still staring at him in disbelief.

Charlie is throwing Max’s own words back in his face. Am I the only one who sees what a sham these people are? What hypocrites? All of them messing around on each other, none of it meant to be taken seriously. I wish Kylie hadn’t gotten involved.

“Dude, you’re my best friend,” Max says.

“Max. It. Didn’t. Mean. Anything. It was, like, one kiss.”

Max sits silently. We all do. Lily just watches. I can’t tell if she’s enjoying the havoc she’s wreaked or if she’s so far gone she’s inured to it all.

“It was like kissing a friend,” Charlie says.

“Your best friend’s girlfriend. Which is really fucked up. I mean, where does that leave us?” Max demands.

“You’re like my brother. Max, I was wasted. I’m sorry.” Charlie seems on the verge of tears.

“You macked on my girlfriend. That is unbelievable. You’re my best friend. My best friend.” Max is talking more to himself than to Charlie.

“And you spent the night with another girl. So why do you get to judge me?”

Uh-oh. Here we go.…Buckle up, it’s going to get bumpy.

“Wow…okay. Is that how we’re going to do this?” Max asks Charlie.

There’s a long, awkward moment where it feels like we’re all holding our breath, and then Charlie lets out an audible sigh.

“No. It’s not. Look, I don’t want to go there, dude. Bottom line, it shouldn’t have happened. But it did and I’m really sorry.” Charlie says this in a very measured tone. “I swear to you, it didn’t mean anything because I’m…gay. I’m gay.”

He says it twice. As if we didn’t hear it the first time. Trust me, it made a
huge
impression on the first go-round.

Even Lily looks stunned by this doozy.

Gay? Charlie? I’d like to say “I told you so,” but this doesn’t exactly seem like the right moment.

“You’re what?” Max asks Charlie.

I guess Max does need to hear it a few times before it sinks in. Straight guys can be so dense.

“I’m gay. Okay? I’m gay.”

I hear you, my friend. No need to hit
me
over the head.

ell, that explains a lot,” Lily says.

“I think it’s awesome news,” Will says.

“Yeah, I bet,” Charlie replies.

Will throws his fist into the air. “Score one for our team!”

My silence is certainly not helping matters. It’s just, I’m not sure what to say. Or how to say it.
Way to go
?
Good job
?
I’m happy for you
? Of course, one of the first things that comes to mind is, is he crushing on me? What about all those times in the locker room? I know it’s a horrible straight-boy cliché. I wish my mind were a slightly more evolved place, but I guess it’s not. I’m having some trouble getting my head around the situation. My best friend is gay. Charlie is gay. I say it in my head a few times, hoping it will register. It doesn’t. I still can’t believe it. It’s not that I’m homophobic, because I’m not. It’s just that you think you know someone so well, and then it turns out you don’t know them at all.

I’m not sure where we are, but we must be closing in on the border, because I see signs everywhere. I have to fight the urge to just jump out of this car and make a run for it. I’d be happy to wander around in Mexico for the afternoon and try to make sense of everything that’s happened. Although, I think it would take a lot more than an afternoon. It might take a lifetime.

I can’t help thinking that maybe I wouldn’t be in this freaking mess if I weren’t so tuned out. How could Lily and I not have talked about her dad? Or my dad? How could I not know that my best friend is gay? It turns out I don’t know shit about anything, myself included.