Freeing Tuesday (20 page)

Her mouth moves along with the words I sing but no sound comes out and she won’t look at me. I hate that I can’t fix what is going on but I plan on doing my best to keep her safe.

Tuesday

I need something, anything, to take the edge off. To make myself feel like I hold the power in my life again. That I am in control.
Me
. Not the FBI. Not my father. Not Anthony. I want to hold my life in
my
hands and not let my past creep up on me and take over anymore.

I spend the hour ride back home after being questioned staring at the roof of Evan’s truck with my head in his lap. I feel numb and I know the only thing keeping me from freaking out is the feeling of him running his fingers through my hair and his voice. I don’t think he stopped singing the entire ride home and I’m glad he didn’t. I was tired of answering questions and I knew he had a lot of them ready to fire my way.

I lean back against the fender of the truck and prop my foot on the edge of the tire. He moves in and kisses me softly, tucking a stray piece of hair behind my ear.

“I’m going to go tell Abby that everything is alright. I’ll be right up.” I don’t answer him but I nod and watch as he heads toward the house.

I see my car out of the corner of my eye. Not my every day runner, the one I love with everything in me. My 1971 Chevelle SS. I bought her four years ago. She was nothing but a pile of shit with sad hope when I brought her home, so I restored her with the help of all the guys. It was our little project when we weren’t on the road and since we held off painting for so long that one day when we were on tour Alex had it painted matte black as a surprise.

What I’m going to do will probably make all the guys weep and I know it’s going to kill me. I need to do something and this is the only thing I can think of.

I need my power back.

I try to talk myself into something less destructive as I walk through the barn and grab the baseball bat from the corner of the tack room, but I can’t. I pull open the door and slide into the driver’s seat, surrounding myself with the smell of leather and memories. I need music. The speakers start blaring
Remedy
by Seether when I turn back the key.

I turn the knob so the music is screaming loud enough that I can barely hear myself think. Thank God because I can’t handle what is in my head right now.

I close the door, muffling the sound a bit but it won’t matter in a second anyway. Twirling the bat through my fingers, I hesitate for a second before bringing it down hard against windshield.

The force of the bat hitting vibrates through my arms and they instantly ache as I watch the glass splinter. I swing over and over again listening to the sickening noise the bat makes against the glass until the entire thing is shattered.

My chest heaves as I move and take out each light before attacking the back window. I catch movement out of the corner of my eye. I can’t force myself to stop. I don’t even care what anyone thinks at this point. I feel the power I have over what is going on as it shakes through my hands and up my arms.

I swear I dent every damn inch of my poor car before someone stops me. I haul back to hit again but someone grabs the end of the bat and yanks it from my hands, tossing it to the side.

The song switches to
FMLYHM
by Seether as the bat hits the ground and Evan’s arms wrap around me. He tries to calm me down as my whole body shakes because of what I just did.

I bury my face in his chest and try to drown everything away. He slides his hands down my body and attempts to lift me, but I won’t let him. That would give up everything I just worked to gain back. I push away from him before he gets a grip on the back of my legs.

I shake my head when he takes a step toward me. “Stop, just fucking stop. I don’t
need
someone to pick up my fucking pieces, Evan.” I walk over to the bat and pick it up. Turning towards the car I notice that the passenger side window isn’t broken. “There is no way of putting me back together anymore so you can just stop trying. Just like this,” I point my bat at the window and swing, watching as the glass rains toward the ground. “It’s worthless and broken and isn’t even worth putting back together again.”

His face falls as he fumbles for words but I cut him off by walking over to Abby. Her fingers cover her mouth and tears are leaking down her cheeks. I hate myself for making them feel this way but that’s how I feel and I feel like it needed to be said.

“I’ll be back and I’ll clean up my mess. Don’t let the girls over here till I get the glass cleaned up.”

One foot in front of the other. Right. Left. Right. Breathe in. Blow out. Those are the only thoughts I let cloud my mind as I take off running. This was probably what I should have done in the first place but I couldn’t bring myself to walk away. I needed destruction and evidence to make me feel in control.  Breaking my car gave me just what I wanted.

Power.

Evan

“I don’t know what happened. She won’t talk. Whatever it was messed with her though. I don’t know what to do.” I scrub my hands over my face as I talk to Abby.

“What the hell would the FBI even-” her question is cut off by the sickening sound of glass breaking and screaming as we both run for the door.

Tuesday.

My mind races as I barrel towards the side of the barn where the noise was coming from. I stop short causing Abby to run into my back.

Broken wasn’t even the word to describe Tuesday anymore. The look on her face as the bat hit the car over and over told me she was past that. It was hard to hear anything over the music pumping through her speakers, but I could still hear her screaming.

Abby pushes my shoulder and I stumble toward Tuesday. I’m not sure she even knows we are here. Reaching up as she swings back, I latch onto the end up the bat and rip it from her hands, throwing it away from us.

She spins toward me and I tangle myself around her before she has a chance to think. She ducks her face into my chest and screams again.

My hands run down her back, trying to calm her. “Shhhh. I’ve got you.” I slide down her back and try to lift her to bring her inside but she pushes me away and starts yelling at me.

       
      
Broken, worthless and not worth it. That’s how she sees herself now. Those son of a bitches took my strong, independent beautiful woman and gave me back a shell of who she used to be.

I stand, feeling useless as she runs away from me and it takes me a few seconds to realize that I can’t let her go that easy. She might think those things about herself but I definitely do not.

I catch up to her and wrap my arms around her from behind. Pulling her to a stop as her elbow catches me in the stomach, knocking the air out of me. We fall to the ground in a heap of arms and legs and yelling; her at me to leave her alone and me at her telling her that it was never going to happen.

Her chest rises and falls rapidly as I capture her arms, pin them to her sides and pull her to my chest.

“You listen to me right now!”

“What! What the fuck could you possibly want from me? I HAVE NOTHING LEFT TO GIVE! You deserve so much more than I can give you!” she screams out.

“I don’t need anything but you. Don’t you get it Tuesday? I don’t, need anything, but
you
! It’s always been you and it always will be! You can hate me. You can try to break me like you just did that car and you can run away. But I will always run after you when you run away and I will always try to pick up the pieces of you.”

“I’m not worth the work needed to fix me!” she fights against me, thrashing and screaming.

“No, you’re right. You’re worth so much more!” I yell back.

“For Christ sake Evan,” she cries, “you’ve rearranged the way you live for me. I’ve wrecked your life and you don’t even see it!” A tear slides out of the corner of her eye and into her hair.

“I didn’t give up
anything
! Threesome Thursday and any other day or random thing I used to fuck around with means nothing. The second you pushed your way into my apartment, hell bent on getting your way, I knew there was nothing,
nothing
, I wouldn’t do for you.”

She stops fighting and her body goes limp under me as she tries to catch her breath. Her cries break my heart more as I settle my forehead against hers.

“Please give me back my hands,” she whimpers.

I loosen my grip and she pulls her hands away but instead of trying to push me away, her arms wrap around my neck and she pulls me closer to her.

I roll over, pulling her with me, allowing her to settle into my chest so I won’t crush her. Her face nestles into the crook of my neck and she sighs. I feel her tears soaking into my shirt while my fingers rake through her hair as we lay in the grass.

By the time she calms down enough to get off the ground, it’s almost dark. Abby and Jameson have already cleaned up all the glass and put a cover over the mess and as we walk by the car it catches Tuesday’s eye and she stops and stares at it.

Her eyes narrow and she chews on the inside of her lip. “That solved nothing,” she whispers.

I turn to her and push her hair behind her ear, pulling her into me. “Then why did you do it?” I ask cautiously.

She shrugs and mumbles into my chest, never taking her eyes off the car. “I could I guess. It couldn’t tell me no. It couldn’t stop me… That bat and I held all the power. I knew it would hurt to look at after but I just thought if I could have the control for once in my life it would be ok but the second that bat was out of my hand so was all that. Now it’s fucked up just like me.”

“I wish I could make everything in your life better, Tuesday, but I can’t. I know that. As much as it kills me to say it, I do. But, I want you to know something.” I tip her head so I can stare into her beautiful brown eyes. “Even though I can’t make it better doesn’t mean I’m not going to try. It just makes me want to try harder.”

Her eyes drift closed and she shakes her head, “I’m going to be the death of you Evan.”

I run my thumb back and forth over her lower lip before bending down and kissing her slowly. I wasn’t lying when I said I was going to try to give her a better life, one where she wasn’t afraid of her own shadow.

Tuesday

“Tuesday? Baby, where’d you go?”

I feel Evan’s hand run over my back in soothing circles, pulling me back from where my mind took me. Over the past few days since FBI bullshit happened, my mind hasn’t been here. Instead I’ve been reliving everything I’ve ever been through. Going over everything they told me that day.

I pull myself up and straddle Evans hips before settling my chest against his and burying my face into his neck. His arms wrap around me, holding me to him like he is afraid I will disappear.

“There’s something I haven’t told you, not because I didn’t want to, but because,” I sigh and think for a second on how to talk about this, “because I don’t know how to deal with it all.”

He doesn’t say anything and in this moment I’m glad he doesn’t try to force the words from me. Usually the silence is suffocating, but right now, curled into his chest with him holding me tight, it’s comforting and that is something I need.