Free Yourself from Fears (17 page)

Of course, there were many things about England I did not like.

For example, I was glad to lose the English penchant for complaining and the object of so many of those complaints—the weather. I was also glad to be rid of the appalling British cuisine.

I was not afraid of making a new, better life in Brazil. I never doubted that Andrea and I would thrive and be happy in Brazil, and I believed in her and in myself, that I had the resources to make a new, good life with her. However, even this change, which I wanted with all my heart, meant losing many things that I valued.

Loss

This brings us to the essence of fear of change. Fear is based on losing something. Our original fears stem from losing balance (falling) and losing the ones we love and depend on to take care of us (abandonment). Abandonment is the equivalent of death for an infant.

The ultimate loss is loss of life. Change means uncertainty, which 130

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means we could lose something important to us. We need to come to terms with loss.

Think about the word “loss” for a moment. What images does it conjure up? Most people imagine not just nothing, but a blank space, where something used to be. There is something or someone missing and this brings sadness. We use the word loss as a euphemism for death.

Think now of “losing” something important to you. Most people conjure up an image of having something and then not having it. It’s gone. They do not know where it is and they may or may not find it, and they certainly did not choose to lose it. We talk of losing our temper, losing face, losing patience; none of these is fun to do. Losing implies external change with no choice about it.

Now think of “leaving” something rather than losing it. Most people imagine putting something down and moving on. You choose to leave something; it is voluntary, not something that happens over which you have no control. Also, you can go back and take it if you want it again. It is not lost. Andrea helped me see that I did not have to lose anything, I could leave it. The small difference in the word made a huge difference in way I thought about the change.

There are two types of loss. You can lose material things or people, or you can lose experiences. When I moved to Brazil, I left friends and material things I valued, and left the possibility of having certain experiences, like walking up Box Hill in the early autumn and eating Cadbury’s chocolate at will. But I can still contact and speak to my friends and the people I love, I still have my former experiences as memories, and I can recall them whenever I want.

My friends and children in England are still a presence. I feel no sadness, and there is no empty space. I did the best I could. I also believe that habits and material things, however good, can hold us back if we cling to them. They should be stepping stones to something better. Beautiful things are a hindrance to a happy life if they trap you. Beauty should point to more beauty. Otherwise, satisfaction can turn to contentment, which turns to indolence, which can lead to stagnation and boredom.

You always need a dream beyond the dream you are living right now.

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Habits

Habits are closely associated with loss. They are patterns of behavior that we have put time and effort into building. They are unconscious and usually involuntary. Habits keep our world stable. They take effort to build and they take effort to change. It is impossible not to form habits: anything we repeat in the same way becomes easier until we no longer need to devote any thought to it. Habits are bundles of experiences that we have packaged with care so that we always have them.

It is interesting that the word “habit” can also mean an item of clothing, something we put on. It can mean a manner of speaking and doing; people’s habits are some of the most characteristic things about them. Habits are what make change difficult because they make life easy in the present.

Some habits we think are trivial were not easy to learn—just watch a small child trying to do up their shoelaces. Habits make life go smoothly, they are very useful—until we want to change. Then they resist and if we identify with the habit, we feel resistant. Habits are always associated with anchors. All our habits have triggers that we are not aware of. The anchors may be something we see, hear, or feel in the outside world or inside ourselves.

You are not your habits because you made them and you can be aware of them. Change always involves becoming aware of the habits you have, stopping some, and learning new ones to replace them.

Habits are hard to inventory, because we are not aware of them.

We only become aware of them when something happens to disrupt our life; then we feel uncomfortable because they no longer fit. We only know how much we rely on them when they are no longer there.

They open a space in our life and we are faced with learning something new.

Habits pervade our lives; they determine what we do and what we avoid. For example, when I walked the familiar streets of London, I was not normally alert for muggers. I have habits of what I pay attention to as I walk. I pay attention to the traffic because I do not want 132

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to be run over. I pay attention to shop windows, but I do not sort out which people are friendly and who might harm me, as the chance of being robbed in the street in the part of London where I lived was very small. In Rio de Janeiro, I needed a new habit—to be aware of the people on the street, particularly when they show an abnormal interest in me. I developed eyes in the back of my head for people acting abnormally. This is similar to the software that scans the way people walk and move at airports. It looks for abnormal patterns of movement, and the police then decide if these constitute a danger.

Habits direct our attention. When something is habitual, you no longer pay attention to it, it becomes background. If habit takes over relationships, how we treat people, and a large part of our work, then we always react in the same way and do the same things. Creativity is lost and life without creativity is dull.

When you want to change, habits bind you like small ropes. The bigger the change, the more habits need to be broken and the more ropes there will be. And they are silken ropes—you can hardly feel them and if you do, they feel comfortable. Most of the bonds are not strong, but the overall effect holds you in place. In
Gulliver’s
Travels
, the novel by Jonathan Swift, Gulliver is a shipwrecked sailor, washed up on a strange beach. He goes to sleep and when he wakes, he finds he cannot move. The people who live there, the Lilliputians who are only a few inches tall, have tied him down with thousands of little ropes, any one of which he could break easily, but with all of them together he cannot struggle free. This is exactly how habits can tie us down. They give a different, more insidious paralysis than fear.

Change and resources

Any change challenges us to overcome the fear of the unknown future, to deal with losing something we have, and to change our habits. The greatest challenge comes from big changes that we cannot control where we have to change many habits. The more resources we 133

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have, the more in control we feel and the easier it is to overcome the fear and change our habits. Any change is a balancing act between two forces: the magnitude of the challenge and the resources we feel we have to deal with it.

When we feel we have more than enough resources to meet the challenge, then we are comfortable. We may even become bored.

These sorts of changes are too easy. When the challenge is much greater than our resources, we feel anxious; if it is considerably greater, we will be frightened. We need a balance between resources and challenge. The same principle applies to a good computer game: it needs to be difficult enough to engage the player. If it is too difficult they will give up; if it is too easy they will become bored.

How we perceive the change is crucial. When we do not think we have the resources to meet the challenge then we will be afraid, regardless of what others think.

If we think we have more than enough resources, then we will be complacent and maybe overconfident, even if other people warn us to be careful. Fear is not a problem in the boredom zone. If we are bored, we need to increase the challenge. In the anxiety zone we may be paralyzed and find it hard to act. It can also act as a motivation to go and find the resources we need.

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When we are afraid or anxious, we need support. We need friends on the journey who can help us and give us the resources we need.

We need people who believe in us even when we do not believe in ourselves. They hold out a helping hand to encourage us to reach a little further than we thought we could. We make an extra effort and so discover that we are greater than we thought.

Rationalization and procrastination

What if we do not get the support or resources we need? Then we may stay tied down by habit, or paralyzed by fear and anxiety. This fear may express itself in different ways.

The first is
rationalization
. We think of all the reasons why we should not move and these seem very compelling. We may be swayed by other people’s arguments, paying attention to what they think rather than our own decisions and ideas. This is our fear using another mouth-piece. We make scenarios of the possible bad consequences, and become afraid. We think of many good “reasons” why changing is a bad idea. But reason always serves emotion; we justify what we feel with reason. If we feel afraid, we find reasons to feel afraid. Reason is at emotion’s disposal like a faithful old retainer. Sometimes, we pay attention to these fearful scenarios although they are no more reasonable than the good ones. And yet all the time we know in a deeper place than reason can penetrate that the change is right and we want it.

The second way fear is expressed is procrastination. We may delay and delay, thinking that we are not ready. We do not think about how we will know when we are ready. We may set unrealistic standards.

(For example, when I am a millionaire, have plastic surgery on my nose, and have visited all the capital cities of Europe,
then
I will be ready to settle down…) Usually we have no way of knowing if we are ready. Procrastination says: “I am not ready. Why not wait?”

The question should be: “Why not now?” There may never be a perfect time for the change, but eventually you have to step off the edge and trust in the support and resources you have.

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If you do not get the support and resources you need, you may stay paralyzed by fear, or enmeshed in habits. This is thoroughly frustrating. Either way, it is a vicious circle. You spiral around, wanting to change, but unable to change. All the time the frustration gets worse.

Eventually (especially if you are strongly motivated to move away from pain), the frustration can reach a threshold and you are pro-pelled out like a stone from a sling and galvanized to take action.

The fear cycle

The fear cycle is represented in the next diagram.

You start with a dissatisfaction or challenge. You fear you will lose something important, so you stay where you are. Also, your habits keep you rooted in the same place. This leads to frustration and further dissatisfaction. When the frustration builds to a high enough level, you may act. This, as Saruman in
The Lord of the Rings
would say, is the way of pain. It is much better to be proactive and take action.

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You may be afraid of taking the step and making the change, but what is the cost of not doing so?

Use the following skill to clarify what you want.

Skill for freedom

Finding the cost of change

J What is the best that can happen if you take this step and make the change? Imagine making the change.What is that like? How important is it to you?

J What is the value behind the change? Values help you feel the fear and do it anyway because the result is important.