Free Fall (7 page)

His put his arms around me, bringing me closer. But he was still trying to reach me. “Rainie, listen to me…”

“Shut up, Roc. Just shut up.” He did as I asked for a little while.

I forgot that moments earlier he’d all but told me it was over between us. I forgot all the long, lonely nights that I’d spent alone trying to hate him. I forgot about leaving Roc, at least while he was touching me the way he was. There would be plenty of time for regrets tomorrow and I’d have them. After all, this was wrong. We were wrong.

We made love with the same passion and longing that was always there between us, but for me our lovemaking was bittersweet because I knew our time together was ending.

As we lay still in each other’s arms once more, the old hurt and frightened Rainie returned. The one that told me I’d just let him pull me back into the dark world I was desperate to escape. I tried to push him away but he wouldn’t let me go.

“Go away, Roc. Don’t you have a criminal to catch somewhere? Go away and leave me alone.” I was crying again but I couldn’t help it. I still loved this wrong man. I was having his child and I couldn’t tell him any of those things.

“Rainie, whatever’s wrong between us, we can fix it, surely?”

Okay, he had my attention. But I wasn’t going to ask the desperate questions going through my mind.

“How? How can we fix it? Will you leave The Agency for me?” I saw the answer I didn’t want to face in his dark eyes. “I want you to go. Please, just go. You’re right. We need time apart.”

He leaned over me and even in the darkness, I could see the pain in his beautiful eyes. “Rainie, you know I can’t. Especially now…”

For us, there would always be another mission. Another Jeremiah Silvers. Another priority more important to him than us. I tried harder, then, to push him away even while I struggled to keep from letting go of my own dreams to be with him.

“Rainie, you know what’s at stake.”

“Just go, Roc!” I told him again and hated that he did exactly what I’d asked. He got out of my bed and for a moment, I thought,
he’s leaving—actually leaving
. It felt as if my heart would break all over again.

Roc reached for his clothes then tossed them angrily aside and came back to me once more.

“Rainie, damn it, I love you, but I can’t walk away from The Agency. I can’t. Not now. Please, don’t ask me to choose between it and you, because I can’t do that right now.” He stopped when he saw my reaction. Until this moment, I’d always held out a tiny amount of hope that when faced with the choice, Roc would choose me.

“Someday,” he said softly and I held up a hand.

“Please don’t lie.” I couldn’t let him give me promises he wouldn’t keep and I couldn’t keep from crying.

Roc made love to me many times throughout that night. But he never once said another word about the future.

Just before dawn, I awoke. I was alone in bed. The coolness of the sheets told me he’d been gone for a while.

He left a note telling me to call if I needed anything. But I also knew what Roc wasn’t saying. What I didn’t want to believe, and yet I’d eventually have to accept. We were over.

Neither of us wanted to say it. But we both knew the truth. We were tied to different needs. I needed out. He needed the rush. We’d been foolish to expect a romance like ours to work in the first place. We now faced the biggest challenge of our lives. Surviving our love.

* * * *

I made it a point to be the first to arrive at the next Agency meeting to avoid that awkward first encounter between Roc and myself since our decision to take some time apart.

Roc was sitting at one of the desks going over some paperwork when I walked in. He didn’t know how to react to me. Normally, we never had any reservation about showing each other affection when we were alone, but tonight things were different. We weren’t together anymore.

After the first few strained minutes of silence, while we searched for something to say to each other, I decided this was crazy. Roc was my husband still. And he’d been my friend long before we’d become lovers. We could surely find something to say to each other after all we’d shared together.

I went over and put my arms around him. Roc pulled me close.

“Rainie, I’m sorry about the other night—I mean the way I did things. I could have given you more warning. I just kind of dumped that on you. That wasn’t my intention. It just sort of happened that way. But I do still think it’s a good idea if we take some time away from each other, don’t you?”

“No, you were right, Roc. Things were getting a little out of hand lately. I guess you were right from the beginning. We should have stuck to just being friends. But I want you to know I still love you. No matter what happens between us, I’ll always love you.” I struggled to get those words out through the tightening in my throat.

I was such a fake. I didn’t feel that way at all. I wanted to plead with Roc not to leave me. Wanted to tell him about our child, beg him to help me work things out between us but instead I was silent. I couldn’t force Roc to stay with me, even though I’d spend the rest of my life regretting letting him simply walk away.

I was consumed with so many doubts about all the lies I’d told Roc recently and the things I’d withheld from him that he had a right to know, as my commander if not my husband.

Looking at him for the first time after the way things ended the other night, I knew I would never be free of loving him. Roc was the one. The only one. He’d always be the only one.

I’d never felt this lost before in my life. How could I ever move on without him? Without the most important person in the world to me? In fact, for weeks now I’d been expecting it because I’d been pushing him away for a long time. I told myself that I was strong enough to survive on my own. I’d be okay. I didn’t need any man. That was such a lie.

I sensed that Roc wanted to say something more—something important maybe, but before he could say anything further, Mark interrupted us. For a moment, our eyes met, full of unspoken questions and desires. All of which would have to wait until another time.

Mark took Roc aside for a second. I couldn’t make out what they were discussing but I could almost feel Mark’s excitement.

“Rainie, I was just telling Roc that I intercepted an encrypted disk earlier today.” Mark pulled out his little handheld computer gizmo and started to give me the details. “I managed to crack the encryption but the document is in code. I’ll need you to translate it. I sent it to your secure e-mail a few minutes ago. Can you get on it right away?”

“Sure, I’ll take a look as soon as I get home.”

Lissa and Stevie arrived soon after, making any further attempt at intimate conversation impossible. I would have to wait until the meeting ended to talk to Roc again.

Throughout the evening, I noticed how distracted Roc appeared to be. He barely listened to what Mark was saying.

“We were able to track down the place where Silvers was holed up, but someone must have tipped him off, because the place had been cleared out. We have our forensic team going over the place with a fine toothcomb. Hopefully, something will turn up.” Roc simply nodded without comment. After a brief, awkward pause, Mark turned to Stevie. “Did you find anything useful from the other agencies?”

“Nope, no one knows anything and for once, I believe it.”

“Apparently, Silvers has gotten wind of the slip-up with the money transfer. Since that time, there’s been nothing. Not a peep.” Lissa looked to Roc, who made no comment. “They must have another source for gaining access to their funds. Maybe it’s being laundered. It happens.” Her gaze slid to Mark’s in question.

Roc roused himself and faced the group.

“I wanted you all to know that I’ve received a new assignment today. I’ll be leaving the group for an extended period, beginning right away. I know this is the worst possible timing.” Roc’s eyes lingered on mine. “But unfortunately, it cannot be helped. This mission is of equal importance.” He stopped as if perhaps he’d lost his train of thought. “I don’t know when I’ll be back and, of course, I can’t tell you where I’m going. All I know is that this assignment could be indefinite.”

At the shocked silence that greeted his words, all eyes went to me. Curiosity mingled with sympathy. I couldn’t even begin to hide the fact that I hadn’t known about Roc’s leaving until now.

“I’ve been asked in my absence to turn control over to Mark since he’s been with The Agency the longest. I’ll try as much as possible to keep in touch with Mark, so if you need me for any reason, you’ll have to let Mark know. Everyone needs to continue with their current assignments, and of course, anything Mark feels necessary to give you. I realize this leaves us short a man, which is dangerous, all things considered. I hope you’ll all remember that and be extremely careful in everything you do. We all know the risks, right? There’s no need to take unnecessary chances.”

It was the hardest thing in the world to get through the rest of that night without falling apart in front of everyone. Throughout the remainder of the meeting, Roc’s eyes rarely left mine. He was telling me in all ways that he couldn’t with words, how hard this was for him as well.

After the meeting finally ended and while each team member stopped by to say goodbye, I waited, hoping to get a few minutes alone with him. But Mark had things that needed addressing in Roc’s absence. I couldn’t speak to Roc alone.

“When were you going to tell me?” I asked, my voice literally shaking with emotion. It hurt that he’d chosen this way to end things, and I believed this was ultimately what Roc was doing. I guessed the answer before I asked the question but I couldn’t stop the words.

“Rainie, I just found out a few minutes before the meeting.”

“So this is how you chose to tell me? In front of everyone? How could you do this to me, Roc?”

Roc watched as unfamiliar tears materialized in my eyes before turning back to Mark. “Mark, can you excuse us for a minute?”

I barely waited until Mark was out of earshot before confronting Roc again.

“Why would you agree to take a permanent assignment in the first place, with everything happening here? Ed’s been after you for years to do this and you’ve always refused before. Why now, Roc? And why wouldn’t you talk this over with me first? I’m your wife, for God’s sake. Do you even care?” It was then that it finally hit me. I forced myself to ask him, “You aren’t coming back, are you?”

“Rainie, don’t be ridiculous. Of course, I’m coming back. Look, this is for the best. This will give us time apart. You know as well as I do, that things have been…strained between us lately.” A single tear fell from my eye and he tried to comfort me by pulling me into his arms. But I stepped away. “Rainie, I am coming back. And when I do, we’ll talk about this. Maybe…”

Even before his eyes met mine, I knew the truth—that I would never see Roc again. I wanted to cry, which upset me even more. I wasn’t supposed to feel this way. I was supposed to be heartless, unemotional…tough. I wasn’t supposed to show weakness.

I turned and walked to the door.

“You know what, Roc, do whatever you want. I no longer care. I don’t care if you ever come back.”

“Rainie,” he called after me, but even though I heard the despair in his voice, I never turned back. I couldn’t. I was crying and I couldn’t let Roc see those tears. I didn’t want to care this much.

When I got back to my apartment that night, I found I’d lost the will to go back out on the streets to search for my brother. I felt sad, broken, and alone. As if someone had kicked me in the gut. And there was no one to share that pain with anymore.

I was still sitting alone in the dark crying when Roc knocked on my door later that night.

The second Roc closed the door and we stood facing each other, I knew what was going to happen, and I wanted it—I needed it to end this way.

Roc lifted me up into his arms and carried me to my bedroom. Setting me on my feet, he stepped away.

“I’m sorry,” he said at last, turning to me once more. It wasn’t so much the words but the way he said them. My heart shattered into a thousand different pieces when I looked at him.

“Rainie, dear God, no! No tears. I can take anything but your tears.” Frustration and anger roughened his voice.

He took a single step closer.

I held up a hand to stop him. “No. Wait. Roc, just let me say this.” The words rushed out as I scrubbed at the tears. “I just need to say this right.” I stopped and drew another deep breath. “I’m sorry,” I said with more resolve than I felt. “I’m sorry for the way things have been between us lately. I’m sorry for hurting you. I’m sorry. I’m so terribly sorry.”

My words died away. I swallowed hard. It sounded more like a sob. I turned away because I couldn’t look at him and tell him the things I needed him to hear from me.

“And thank you.”

“Rainie…” I’d never heard Roc sound so lost before.

“No, I mean it, Roc. Thank you. For everything. For loving me. For everything.”

“Damn it, Rainie, shut up!” He closed the final space between us and dragged me into his arms, his lips claiming mine.

God, I couldn’t get close enough to him. He tasted like forever. Familiar. Warm. Sexy.

I wrestled with my conscience even while he lifted me in his arms and carried me to bed.

So much for promises. I’d promised myself the last time would be the last time. But it wasn’t enough. It would never be enough with Roc. I’d always want more.

Roc reached the bed, urging me gently back against it. And then we were racing, our impatient fingers fumbling to remove each other’s clothes.

The sheer pleasure of being as close to Roc as I would ever accomplish in this lifetime left me breathless.

I surrendered myself to the same desperate need inside of me that drove him on, beyond future regrets.

There was no finesse. He pushed inside me and gathered his breath. Roc slowed the deep thrusts when he tasted my tears against his lips.

“Don’t,” he groaned against my mouth. “Please Rainie, don’t cry. Please just let me love you this one last time.”

I didn’t stop him because I couldn’t. I wanted these last moments with him but I couldn’t stop crying either. He understood that I was hurting. So was he.