Free Fall (6 page)

He’d been right, of course. Dealing with my parents’ deaths, which happened very mysteriously in the small North Carolina town they’d gone to searching for clues to Justin’s disappearance, would have been impossible to get through without Roc’s help.

But there was the baby to consider now.

Roc and I never talked about having a family. Our world existed in the here and now. There was no room for talk about the future. Would he even care about the baby? Roc didn’t like to talk much about his childhood, but I suspected it hadn’t been a happy one. He told me once that his parents split up when he was still very young and he’d been shuffled off to his grandparents’ home in Anchorage, Alaska where he’d been brought up.

The only question remaining now was when or if I were even going to tell Roc.

None of that mattered, because it was done. I wouldn’t have an abortion.

There was only one person I could trust with the news. The woman who had been my friend since our days back at the University of Virginia and my doctor since she’d obtained her license to practice medicine. Margaret Evans.

With the exception of Roc, Margaret knew me better than anyone did.

“I’m coming over there right now.” When Margaret heard my voice, she knew something was wrong. She didn’t even give me time to say hello. Half an hour later, she was ringing my doorbell.

“What it is? Has something happened to Roc?” Margaret rushed inside the apartment, tossed her purse and jacket on the nearest chair, and looked me square in the eyes.

“No, Roc’s fine.” I went to the bathroom, retrieved the pregnancy tests, and held them out to her.

“You’re pregnant? That’s great!” My expression must have told a different story. “You don’t want the baby?”

“I do, I really do, but I don’t know what to do.”

“Roc,” she said, guessing the truth. “He told you he doesn’t want the baby.”

“No, I haven’t told him yet.”

“Rainie, tell him! This could be a great thing for both of you.”

“No, it won’t be. It’s the worst possible thing that could happen. This is the last thing either of us need right now. I don’t understand. We’re always so careful. I’m on the pill.”

“It happens, Rainie.” She spoke in a calm voice. “Even to women on the pill. Look, just talk to him. You might be surprised by what he has to say.”

“Margaret, I can’t, okay? There are things you don’t know.”

“Ah, you mean spy things.” Margaret was the only one of my friends who fully understood the extent of what I did for a living. She knew all the reasons why I’d joined The Agency. Margaret had been there with me the day I buried my parents. She knew all about my quest to find out the truth behind their deaths.

The official cause had been listed as an accident. Local authorities believed my dad had simply fallen asleep at the wheel and lost control of the car, plunging through the railing and down an embankment, killing him and my mother.

I didn’t believe that version for a minute. My dad never took chances. If he were the least bit sleepy he would have pulled over, stopped for coffee—something. He would never put himself or my mother in harm’s way.

I received the call about their deaths from the local constable assigned the task of notifying the next of kin. The guy was from a small town on the North Carolina border where my parents had been staying at the time of their deaths.

It wasn’t so much what the constable had to say about the accident, but what he wasn’t saying.

It took me all of two minutes talking to the uncooperative constable and the equally unfriendly coroner to realize things were not as they seemed. After I read the accident report, I was certain of it.

The day after Margaret and I buried my parents, I went back to that town and pretty much wore out my welcome. I was told point-blank to leave but not before I understood a little bit more about what I was dealing with—sheer paranoia spread throughout that whole region. No one trusted anyone, especially outsiders. And no one was talking, including the constable and most of the town folk. Something had them spooked. It was a long time before I found out what that something was. After I joined The Agency, I learned the FLA had a stronghold on the town.

And that was how I first met Roc Branson and learned about his work with The Agency.

“Look, maybe this is just a mistake. I mean, those tests aren’t always dependable, are they?” I said.

“Rainie, they’re over ninety percent accurate and you have three positives. You’re pregnant.” When she saw my reaction, she added, “Look, come by the office tomorrow morning and I’ll be able to put your mind at rest. I can confirm if you’re pregnant without a shadow of a doubt. We’ll go over all the options, and then you and Roc can talk to each other. For God’s sake, Rainie, he needs to be in on any decision concerning his child. Tell him the truth.”

“I will. I promise.” When Margaret looked skeptical, I added, “Don’t worry, I’ll talk to him.”

Her company was better for me than any medicine. We talked until late that night and I couldn’t remember when I’d actually laughed so much.

* * * *

I met Margaret at her office before seven the following morning. Within half an hour, I had the final proof. I was pregnant. Margaret talked about my options and left me with a handful of brochures outlining the different choices.

Once I left her office, I must have picked up the phone at least a dozen times to call Roc. He needed to know about the baby, but whenever I got my courage up, I couldn’t make the call. Too many things were unsettled in my mind. The biggest one of all was what I was going to do about my brother.

Justin hadn’t been very receptive to the idea of turning himself in last night. My brother was afraid of someone. That much was clear. Somehow, I would have to find a way to convince him to turn himself in before it was too late. Time was quickly running out. I had only a small window of opportunity to work with before the team put two and two together and figured out my connection to Justin, if Roc hadn’t already.

By keeping information of this magnitude secret from my commanding officer, I’d all but committed treason against the country I’d sworn to protect. Would Roc ever forgive me if he knew what I was up to? He certainly wouldn’t let me go through with it alone, which was even more reason why I couldn’t tell him the truth until I’d made one final attempt to reach Justin.

Going out on my own, I ran the risk of encountering someone who knew who I was, but that couldn’t be helped. I was dressed and ready to leave the apartment by eight. When I opened the door, I came face to face with Roc, who had apparently been waiting for me.

Silently, I moved aside and let him pass through.

“What are you doing here?” I asked, hoping he didn’t suspect the truth.

“I’ve come to talk. Are you going somewhere, Rainie?” He closed the door and stood waiting for my answer.

“I’m just going out for coffee.”

“Another lie?” He didn’t wait for me to answer. “Why are you lying to me?”

I’d hurt him, but still I couldn’t tell him the truth.

“Why all this secrecy? What’s going on with you lately?”

“Nothing. I’m not being secretive, Roc, not really. It’s just…I don’t know.”

“You’re still lying. You used to tell me everything. What’s happened to change that? Is it me?” His voice sounded so uncertain I found it hard to credit it as coming from Roc.

“No…no, Roc it isn’t you. It’s just…everything, I guess. The job, the fact that it’s close to the time my parents were killed…everything.”

Tell him the truth!
My conscience shouted.
Tell him about your brother—about his baby.
But I couldn’t do any of those things. The words just wouldn’t come. Was this the first real sign there was nothing left for Roc and me?

“Why won’t you let me help you? You used to talk to me when you were feeling pressured by the job.”

At the pain in Roc’s expression, I forced myself to examine my actions from his viewpoint for once. I didn’t really like the person I saw in his eyes.

“I’m sorry, you’re right. I guess I’m just restless. But it isn’t you, Roc. You have to know it isn’t you.”

“Isn’t it? I’m not so sure anymore. Look, Rainie, I’ve been thinking about this and maybe we need to take some time apart. You need space to figure out what you want from me, or if you still want me because right now, I’m not so sure.”

“You’re leaving me?” I almost didn’t get the words out. I felt the first prickle of tears, but I couldn’t show any weakness. I was supposed to be strong.

“You know I love you, Rainie, and I will always care about you, but we both know how hard it is to make a relationship work under normal circumstances. With the type of work we do…” He didn’t finish. He didn’t need to. I understood.

As I looked into his eyes, I wasn’t seeing the Roc who had been my friend and my lover for so long. It was as if Roc were closing his heart to me. I didn’t understand what was happening to us anymore. Maybe we were no longer the same two people we’d once been. Maybe our love was nothing more than an illusion. I only knew I couldn’t fight it anymore.

“Maybe you’re right,” I admitted at last. “Maybe we shouldn’t have gotten this…involved with each other considering…well, considering everything. We both knew it would eventually cause problems.”

Roc simply nodded and walked to the door before turning back to me. “You know I’ll always be there for you, don’t you, Rainie? If you want to talk about anything, you know where to find me.”

“Yes, I know.” Those words were the hardest to say because it felt as if we were saying goodbye. Somehow, I held it together until he’d closed the door.

I sank down to the floor and covered my eyes. What was wrong with me? Roc meant everything to me. I couldn’t imagine my life without him yet I was deliberately doing all the things to push him away.

Suddenly, for the first time, I thought about what my life would be like without Roc. Even though we lived separate lives, wherever I looked in this tiny apartment, Roc was there. We’d made love in every imaginable place. And I desperately needed to exorcise his ghost. This might be my home, but Roc was everywhere within these walls.

I stepped out onto the balcony and confronted the first ghost. I remembered the first night after we were married. We’d come back here. Roc had meant to just drop me off and leave but it hadn’t ended up like that. We’d been desperate for each other that night.

We’d ended up out here, wrapped in a blanket and each other’s arms and we’d talked until the morning sun.

Back then, we could talk about anything. Or so I’d thought. But we’d never covered our future together beyond The Agency.

I forced myself to remember every minute of that time I’d spent here with him as I sat on the hard concrete of the balcony and cried silent tears.

“Rainie?” My eyes were closed. I wasn’t looking at the stars above me, I was remembering. At the soft sound of my name, my eyes flew open. Roc was so close tonight that I could almost hear him say my name. Was this the first real sign that I was destined to spend the rest of my life missing him?

“Rainie.” This was no figment of my imagination. This was real! A shadow blocked the light from inside. I jumped to my feet. He was here. He was right here and he was real. I blinked, then blinked again but he never moved. Never disappeared.

“Rainie, I need you to talk to me. I need to talk to you.”

I didn’t wait to hear what he needed so desperately to tell me that he’d stepped out of my dreams and into my reality. I brushed past him and started for the door, determined that one of us should leave. I couldn’t face the future alone and have this conversation with him. But I couldn’t outrun Roc. He caught me just before I got away and forced me to face him.

“Rainie, please. Talk to me. For God’s sake, talk to me.” I stubbornly shook my head and he added, “Are you having an affair?”

I started to laugh but I shook with emotion. Dear God, how could he think I’d ever choose another man over him?

“How can you ask me that? How can you even think that?” I shook his hand from my arm, grabbed my keys and headed for the door. I was furious with Roc for not knowing what was wrong between us. For putting The Agency before us. For not wanting to fight for us, the way I’d been fighting since the beginning.

“You know what, Roc—just go to hell.” I yanked the door open but he didn’t let me go. He pulled me inside, slammed the door behind us and locked it. I ran…again. To my bedroom where I tried to lock him out with fingers that were trembling so much I couldn’t even close the door. Roc stopped me and did what I could not. He closed the door and locked it for me.

“Get out.”

“No.”

In all the times I’d pictured this moment in my mind, it went more along the lines of Roc groveling at my feet, not standing in front of me demanding and defiant.

“I can’t do this right now,” I told him once again and hated the tears that were so close.

“I’m not going anywhere. I need to talk to you and I’m not leaving until I do. Even if I have to keep you a prisoner here until I’ve said what I need to say.” The seductive sound of his voice pulled me in. It made me wish for the impossible.

“You can do whatever you want, but I’m leaving.” I started past him once more when he caught me up against his body. Even before I tried to pretend that I was going to resist him, I knew that it was over.

“What have you been up to, Rainie?” He shook his head. I could almost believe that was real hurt in his eyes. “What’s going on with you? You look dreadful. What have you gotten yourself involved in?”

His voice made me dizzy with desire and did crazy things to my resistance. I didn’t care what he was saying. In fact, I’d stopped listening.

“Rainie, answer me.”

Somehow, I managed to look at him, my eyes drawn against my will to his lips. But I didn’t understand a word of what he’d just said.

“Rainie?”

Even as I tried concentrating on what Roc was saying, I moved closer to him. I could feel him, so warm, so alive. All that I’d ever wanted. I loved him. I hated myself. It was a hard pill to swallow.

I’d tried to lock this crazy love away in a dark place in my heart, never to see the light of day again. But it hadn’t worked. I’d never get over Roc.