Freakboy (25 page)

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Authors: Kristin Elizabeth Clark

BOOK: Freakboy
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decided it's

his to tell.

I'm hoping

one day

he just might.

When I've finished talking

she leans back in her chair,

still looking serious.

        “The fact that he

        technically wasn't a client

        does make this a gray area.”

“Uh-huh.”

        “But you're correct

        in thinking that there's an

        ethical problem here,” she says.

And my heart sinks.

        “There are good reasons

        for the no-fraternization policy.

        Our kids can be fragile—

        an unscrupulous person

        could take advantage.”

Dr. M's chair creaks

when she leans toward me.

          “But I know you, Angel.

          “You're not unscrupulous

          just unschooled. The fact you

          brought this to my attention

          tells me you've learned enough

          that it won't happen again.”

“It won't,” I promise,

breathing easier.

          “Your heart

          is in the right place.” She smiles.

          “And I'm dead sure

          that from now on,

          your boundaries

          will be, too.”

“The Truth Will Set You Free”

Glad I figured that out.

Glad Brendan did, too …

but there's such a thing

as too free.

I gotta remember

to give him a call—tell him

to think long and hard

before he comes out to his mom

and Claude the Interloper

unless he's in a position

to pay for school himself.

Not easy to be trans

but I KNOW

it's gonna be easier

with a college degree.

I can't settle Brendan's confusion

for him—no one can

but I told him he might wanna

look for a therapist

trained in gender issues.

Not to “cure” him

just to help figure things out.

And I can help, too,

that's an Angel's job.

When I leave Willows,

Marcus is out front

waiting for me

a smile on his face,

kick-ass

Bean Scene mocha

for me

in his hand.

          “Thought we could

          walk to the park.”

Thank you, God,

for everything.

(BRENDAN)

Angel Takes Off

Vanessa's still here.

It's awkward.

Standing

close enough

to touch

but not

speaking.

An airplane buzzes overhead.

I look up to see the vapor trail.

“Angel is trans,” I finally say.

I don't know

if that's an okay thing

outing her like that.

It's all so complicated.

I just thought it might

make a difference to Vanessa.

She says nothing.

“Want to come in?”

          “You want to be like that?”

Her face

is angled away

hard to read.

I want to touch it.

          “You want to look like that?”

“I don't know.”

This time nothing breaks

the silence.

She turns to me.

Her eyes serious, dark,

and I can't see myself

in them.

            Finally: “Did you love me?”

“I still love you,” I say.

            “But you want to be a girl.”

Her voice flat,

not accusing

just stating.

“It's complicated,”

I tell her.

She nods like she understands

but I don't think she does.

“Maybe I'm a lesbian,” I say,

and it falls,

a too-soon joke.

A wisp of her hair

is coming loose

from her ponytail

my hand twitches

to touch it,

to touch her.

          Sadly, slowly.

          “But I'm not,” she says.

Understanding that

makes it no less painful.

She was mine

and now she isn't.

I think there's nothing left to say

till she leans forward

           kisses me on the cheek.

           “But I

           will always

           love you.”

After she leaves

I go into the house,

find my mom

in the music room.

She's sitting at the harp

not playing,

just staring

off into space.

I wonder

what she's thinking.

I'll probably never know.

She looks up,

realizes I'm standing there

staring at her.

           “Everything okay?” she asks.

           Her voice hopeful

           for a second,

           young.

I nod.

“I'd like to go see someone

other than Dr. Andrews.”

 

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

RESOURCES

FURTHER READING

 

A
CKNOWLEDGMENTS

So many people helped me with this project, from answering nosy questions to pointing me in the direction of resources to loving and supporting me while I wrote.

My heartfelt apologies if I've inadvertently left anyone out.

First, I want to thank my amazing editor, Joy Peskin, for her patience, enthusiasm, and keen instincts. The book you hold in your hands is vastly better than it started out to be thanks to her loving ministrations.

Much adoration and appreciation goes to my loving and supportive family, both immediate and extended. Having a writer in the house can be kind of torturous—I'm grateful you are up to the challenge. Thank you to Steve, especially, for being such an excellent sounding board. Your insightful suggestions helped immensely.

Huge thanks go to my earliest readers, Kathleen Wolski, Damen Cook (the video game consultation was much appreciated!), Kelly Sheahan, Susan Hart Lindquist, Jim Averbeck, Lyn Wyman, Andrea Bechert, Kevin McCaughey, and Michele Veillon. Thanks also to my writing tribe and team members, including my fabulous agent, Tracey Adams, and, of course, Kim Turrisi and SCBWI—who got the ball rolling in the first place! To Lee Wind for informing a key moment near the book's conclusion. Thank you to all of the real-life Brendans and Angels who were willing to openly and honestly talk to me, and a huge thanks to Anthony Ross and the fine folk at Outlet in Mountain View, California. Finally, a very special thank-you needs to go to Ellen Hopkins, who, when I went to her, wringing my hands and whining that she needed to write something for gender-variant kids, listened patiently, then said, “No, this is a story you need to write yourself.”

My cup of gratitude runneth over.

 

R
ESOURCES

Trevor Lifeline: 1-866-488-7386

thetrevorproject.org

Providing crisis intervention to LGBTQ youth

lgbtcenters.org/Centers/find-a-center.aspx

International database of LGBTQ centers

imatyfa.org

Assisting families with trans and gender-variant youth

community.pflag.org

For parents, families, and friends of LGBTQ individuals (also links to TNET, their transgender network)

genderspectrum.org

Providing support and education

genderfork.com

A supportive community for the expression of identities across the gender spectrum

genderadvocates.org

Links for transgender youth

gsanetwork.org

Gay Straight Alliance

projectoutlet.org

LGBTQ support and education in Mountain View, California

glbtnationalhelpcenter.org

Serving the LGBTQ community nationally

plannedparenthood.org

Addressing LGBTQ health

leewind.org

I'm Here. I'm Queer. What the Hell Do I Read?

 

F
URTHER
R
EADING

This list is nonfiction, but there are some noteworthy novels and even a couple of picture books that bring greater understanding to this topic. Check out Lee Wind's great blog,
leewind.org
, for a huge list of LGBTQ titles.

Feeling Wrong in Your Own Body: Understanding What It Means to Be Transgender
, Jaime A. Seba

The Full Spectrum: A New Generation of Writing About Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgender, Questioning and Other Identities
, edited by David Levithan and Billy Merrell

GLBTQ: The Survival Guide for Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgender, and Questioning Teens
, Kelly Huegel

The Riddle of Gender: Science, Activism, and Transgender Rights
, Deborah Rudacille

She's Not There: A Life in Two Genders
, Jennifer Finney Boylan

The Transgender Child: A Handbook for Families and Professionals
, Stephanie A. Brill and Rachel Pepper

Transgender Explained for Those Who Are Not
, Joanne Herman

Transgender Warriors: Making History from Joan of Arc to Dennis Rodman
, Leslie Feinberg

Transparent: Love, Family, and Living the T with Transgender Teenagers
, Cris Beam

 

Farrar Straus Giroux Books for Young Readers

175 Fifth Avenue, New York 10010

Copyright © 2013 by Kristin Elizabeth Clark

All rights reserved

First hardcover edition, 2013

eBook edition, February 2013

macteenbooks.com

The Library of Congress has cataloged the print edition as follows:

Clark, Kristin.

   Freakboy / Kristin Clark. — First edition.

        pages cm

   Summary: Told from three viewpoints, seventeen-year-old Brendan, a wrestler, struggles to come to terms with his place on the transgender spectrum while Vanessa, the girl he loves, and Angel, a transgender acquaintance, try to help.

   ISBN 978-0-374-32472-8 (hardcover)

   ISBN 978-0-374-32473-5 (e-book)

  [1.  Novels in verse.   2.  Sexual orientation—Fiction.   3.  Transgender people—Fiction.   4.  High schools—Fiction.   5.  Schools—Fiction.   6.  Wrestling—Fiction.   7.  Family life—Fiction.]   I.  Title.

PZ7.5.C52Fre 2013

[Fic]—dc23

2012050407

eISBN 9780374324735

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