Freakboy (20 page)

without even untying it

grab my bag

push open the gym door.

Bad idea to

be in the locker room

when Rudy and Gil come out.

Rudy gets to me on the mat anyway.

Reaches into his bag of illegal tricks

to make wrestling really hurt.

Coach looks away.

And as I'm getting crunched into the mat,

and to be honest, half hoping

to get injured so I don't have

to wrestle at finals next week,

it hits me hard as Rudy's fists

that I DON'T have to.

My six-term commitment was up last year.

I'm quitting.

No Idea What I'm Going to Say

I don't bother

going into the locker room.

I wait for everyone to leave.

Vanessa doesn't look my way

before she heads out.

My guts are

on fire

but it will

all be over soon.

Door to the office is open.

“Coach?”

Voice wavers.

I'm ready to run

if I have to.

He looks up from his desk.

Brave Larissa steps in.

“I quit.”

Even Predictable Explosions Are Scary

“Letting down the team.”

“Not living up to commitment.”

The steam coming out

of the volcano.

I stand my ground

but my toes twitch

ready to take off.

Behind Coach's eyes heat builds

until hot lava oozes words like “asshole,”

and phrases like “shit-for-brains”

but before they

cover me

I realize

I don't have to listen;

I'm not on his team.

I back up.

He really looks

a little crazy.

I walk away

fast with the sound of

“Yeah, walk away from me,

you little queer” echoing in my ears.

The halls are empty.

I know

tomorrow

they'll be

filled with

staring eyes

flapping tongues

pointing fingers.

Still, my pounding heart

slows, quiets.

I've always hated Coach,

I've always hated wrestling,

and if a school doesn't want me

because it finds out I quit before

the end of the season,

then

I hate that school, too.

Before Econ the Next Day

Lillian Bruner is

talking to Vincent Lindow,

her male counterpart

in the drama department.

She sees me, gets up.

            “Here, take my seat!”

She smiles.

            “I was leaving anyway.”

And just before she turns

I see her

give him a wink.

He leans toward me

like we share a secret.

            “God, she's obvious!”

            he says.

I feel stupid.

“About what?”

            “Little Miss Matchmaker.”

Huh?

            “She's always trying

            to set me up with people.”

“But I have a girlfriend,”

I say, and it sounds stupid

especially since

very soon—

once Vanessa hears—

I might not.

            “I know, I know.” He waves a hand.

I notice he wears three watches.

            “Lil's obviously decided

            you're my type though.”

(Vanessa)

Flannigan Stops Me

on my way to conditioning.

                          “I'm sorry,” he says.

“For what?”

                          “Your boyfriend's a fag—

                          he quit wrestling.”

“Shut up, Flannigan.”

He's always saying stupid things.

                          “If I'm lying, I'm dying!

                          And Andy says he

                          caught him in a bra!”

I stop walking.

A hot white flash

curls my heart.

I don't know what happened

between them but

that's a shitty thing to say.

Julie and Tanya aren't my friends anymore,

but at least they don't make up lies about me.

“You believe that?” I ask.

            “Well—there IS something about him.”

“Shut up,” I say.

“Trust me, he's all man.”

            “Maybe you're just a cover.”

“Screw you, Flannigan!”

I'm so pissed I want to kill Andy,

who knows Brendan gets depressed

and spreads devastating lies anyway.

What a dick!

I'm sick for Brendan,

I need to go find him—

ditch wrestling

for the first time ever.

I'm headed out the door

when it hits me

that he quit wrestling

but didn't bother to tell me.

He's dumping me for sure.

(BRENDAN)

Vanessa's Car Idles Near the Bus Stop

                        “Drive you home?”

I nod.

                        “We need to talk.”

A stone to my

solar plexus.

But she's right.

There's no way

she hasn't heard.

And there's no way

I can lie my way out.

I'm going to have to say it

and it's going to be real.

The buzz in my head

makes me

weak-kneed

stepping into her car.

(Vanessa)

You Know That Feeling of Falling

you sometimes get

when you're asleep?

Your whole body limp, heavy,

and you're tumbling off

a cliff and there's a thud

that makes you open your eyes?

Hearing your boyfriend

tell you he wants to be a girl

is the same sensation,

with no thud at the bottom

to wake you up.

There's Always a Choice?

I had a choice and

I chose Brendan.

Chose to ditch

my friends.

You choose to get up

in the morning

or choose to lie in bed.

You choose what to wear

and how to present yourself.

I can choose how

to respond to him

but I can't choose

how I feel about

what he chooses

to share with me.

So I choose to

take him home

but I choose not

to kiss him good night.

I Drive Home Numb

and stay that way

until I'm setting my alarm

and I realize tomorrow's

the fifteenth.

Then I'm madder than I've ever been.

Was he only pretending

to love me?

Was breakfast

in bed a lie?

Was sex with me

just a sick experiment?

And besides mad, I feel

used

helpless

weak.

I'm not used to feeling like a loser

and even when I've lost a match

I've always had comfort

knowing chances were

I'd prevail next time.

But how do you win

against something

like this?

If he knocks

on my window

tomorrow morning

I'm pushing him

out of the tree.

(BRENDAN)

All Vanessa Said

when I came clean was

“I see,” and I wanted

to beg her for more words

but I was scared they'd hurt.

She drove me home

without saying anything else.

“See you tomorrow?” She nodded.

But that could mean anything.

And just the thought

of tomorrow, another day

of this so-called life,

exhausts me.

I go to bed tired of confusion

tired of being so alone.

No Vanessa, no Angel, no Andy.

Now I'm really alone

and I'll be this way for

the rest of my life.

No one will ever want to be

with the person who lives

in this body …

Not Me

With that insidious sensation

I'm in the wrong skin

slicing through my spirit,

though    
s o m e t i m e s

it's muffled—

whispers almost heard

in that dark and murky season

when the last light is    
d y i n g
.

Who could love this soul?

Anyone normal or

right-thinking    
wouldn't
.

Vanessa used to tell

me to stop being so down.

Whatever will be will    
b e
.

Easy enough for her.

No doubt about it,

she's got her gender straight.

I don't and that's    
b a d
.

(Angel)

Surprise! Happy Birthday!!!!

For once in my life I am speechless.

Can't think of a thing to say.

Denai's holding a birthday cake,

Marcus has a wrapped box,

there's more presents

on the kitchen table.

Gennifer says,

          “Girl, you better shut your mouth

          if you don't want flies in there!”

I can't help it

or the tears that sprout,

stream, and don't want to stop.

Of all God's blessings

these friends are

the most important to me.

Marcus comes forward, kisses me.

        “Baby, it's okay.”

And I smile even though I know

my mascara's running.

Three Years Ago Today

Cake, champagne, roses, chocolate

were the farthest things from my mind,

I tell you.

It didn't matter

it was my birthday.

I was workin' it hard

on the boulevard

tired and dirty.

A Chevy pulled up

baseball cap,

sunglasses,

Western button-down shirt.

“You wanna party?”

He wasn't my first trick

far from it in fact

and I ignored the tingling

at the roots of my hair.

(My advice? Girl, don't ever

let things get so bad you ignore

tingling at the roots of your hair

unless you wanna find out how

much worse they can get.)

Driving inland

nerves really

kicked in.

Baseball Cap

finally stopped the car

at a deserted business park.

Beer

belly

belt

buckle.

Throat too dry

to work

up the spit

I needed.

Still he got

what he was there for

and afterward

grabbed my crotch.

“I knew it!”

Slammed my

head against the dashboard

so hard my world