Four Week Fiance 2 (21 page)

“She’s going through an emotional turmoil.” Nonno nodded and leaned back. “She loves you a lot, so this is hard for her.”

“It’s hard for me too.” I sipped my water. “I don’t know that I can go through with this.”

“TJ, Mila is my granddaughter, and I love her deeply. I would do anything for her. I do not like to see her hurt. I do not like to see her in pain.” He stopped and just stared at me.

“This was your idea, Nonno.” I sighed. “I didn’t want to go through with this.”

“You must.” Nonno said simply. “Her parents are running the business into the ground. There will be nothing left when they are done. The money from your father’s investment will keep Mila afloat for the rest of her life.”

“But she doesn’t even know. Isn’t there another way?”

“She would never go behind her parent’s back and I, I can’t.” He sighed and leaned back. “You must continue with the deal.”

“I just hate that I’m giving my father what he wants and doing it so deceitfully.” I closed my eyes. “She’s going to hate me. She’s going to think I did this for me and my dad.”

“She loves you.” Nonno’s voice was soft. “This wasn’t all about the money, you know. This arrangement...” He sighed and I opened my eyes and looked at him.

“I have nothing else to offer her, Nonno. I told you that. I told you that before you told me to get into this arrangement. I don’t like having these secrets from her. I don’t want her to think everything has been a huge lie.”

“TJ, you are like a grandson for me. I know you’ve had a hard life, but try and let her in. All love is not bad. All pain is not bad. Mila is strong. She can handle a relationship. She can handle good times and bad.”

“I don’t want her to have bad times.” I bit down on my lower lip. “She’s going to hate me when she finds out everything I’ve been hiding from her.”

“She’ll know soon enough.” Nonno rubbed his forehead.

“And then her heart will break forever and she’ll never speak to me again.” I said, my heart sinking as I realized everything that I was going to be giving up.

“We’re doing this for Mila.” Nonno said. “We’re doing this because I can’t see her unhappy. I can’t see her worrying and wondering. I just can’t. I’ve always been her rock.”

“I know.” I nodded. “I know.”

“You must do this for me, TJ. You must.” He grabbed my hand. “This is for Mila. If she were to know everything. If her parents were to know. It would all go wrong. You know this. You know this is the only way.”

“I know.” I said again.

“Take her to the lake or the beach tonight.” He continued. “Make it a special night. You know she loves nature.”

“I know.”

“Do this for her, TJ. If you love her, in some way, which I know you do. Make it special. Make it special before it hurts. Because we both know it’s going to hurt. If you love her in your heart, if you want the best for her, even if you don’t want to tell her. Do this. So this for her. This is what we must do. This is what we do because she’s the most special person in our lives.”

I just stared at him then. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know how to tell him that I didn’t know that this was about Mila or more about him. However I kept my mouth shut. What did I know about feelings and love? Who was I to tell him that the things he was doing out of love were the things that would most probably break her heart more than anything else?

W
ords consumed my mind. Thoughts, dreams, questions—everything I wanted to know was trapped in my brain, wanting to come out, wanting to be said, but silence enveloped us. I kept my eyes on the sky, dark blue with blinking yellow stars taunting me in their glory. I felt him shifting next to me, his shoulder brushing mine as he moved. For the briefest second, I felt the momentary shock of electricity that always struck me when we touched. My shoulder tingled but my hands stood still, fighting the urge to reach out and touch his hand. The wind was cool now, blowing against my skin as if taunting me too.

I closed my eyes for the briefest of seconds as my stomach churned. “I love you” spun through my mind as I lay there.
I love you
. How badly I wanted to say the words
. Do you love me? Do you think you could love me? If I had to wait a million years for you to love me, I’d wait.
Of course, I didn’t say anything. That was too pathetic. I was too pathetic. I couldn’t fix him. Especially not when he didn’t even seem to want to acknowledge what we had. He didn’t want to let me in. Not in the way that I wanted him to. I opened my eyes slowly and stared back up at the sky. The trees seemed ominous as I stared up. I could see the shadow of an owl in one of the branches above me. I stared up at it, wanting to fixate on the owl, instead of the man next to me.

“I always feel like I’m the only man in the world when I come to the woods,” TJ said finally, his voice sounding distant, even though he was a mere inch from me.

“The only man in the world?” I asked softly, wanting to turn to look at him, but remaining on my back, in a neutral position.

“Maybe it’s a dream,” he said. “To be one with nature, to just live with the land, let the worries of the everyday world consume someone else for once.”

“I’d like to climb that tree.” I pointed up. “And I’d like to sit on the highest branch and just stare out at all the trees and let the beauty and tranquility take me away.” I bit down on my lower lip to stop myself from saying something I shouldn’t. I wanted to ask him what his worries were. I wanted him to share them with me. I wanted to fill that void in his life. But I didn’t know how to. I felt like I had put myself out there so much already and yet, I wasn’t really any closer to him. Yes, I felt we were more intimate and sometimes I felt like I was actually a real part of his life, but there was so much he still had hidden. He hadn’t even told me why we’d come out to the forest for the evening.

“Take you away where?” He rolled over and I could feel him staring at me.

“Anywhere?” I said, a throb of emotion escaping through my voice.

“I don’t want you to go anywhere,” he said softly and I could feel his face moving closer to me. “Look at me, Mila.” I felt his hands on my shoulder and I rolled over to look at him. His green eyes were dark in the light, but I could still see the light sparkle as he gazed at me searchingly. “What are you thinking?” he asked me after a few seconds, his face an expression of melancholy and curiosity.

“If I could survive in the woods by myself,” I said quickly, staring back into his eyes intently. I looked to the side as my real thoughts tumbled through my brain.
What do I mean to you, TJ? What do I really mean to you?

“You could survive,” he said and I felt his fingers on my face. “Look at me.” He turned me to face him. “You could survive anything.”

I couldn’t survive you not loving me.

“We should go camping next week,” he said and smiled briefly. “We’ll go to Yosemite.”

“Maybe.” I nodded and smiled back briefly.

“I wonder sometimes if anyone sees me, who I really am.” He lay back and I could hear the emotion in his voice. “There are things, Mila, things you don’t understand. Things that make this complicated.”

“It doesn’t have to be complicated.” My breath caught.

“I’m not the man for you, Mila. I’m not looking for the same things.”

“You don’t even know what I’m looking for.”

“A true love. A real love. A soulmate. Someone who will captivate your heart. Someone who will say all the right things. Someone who will be there for you when you need them. Someone who can listen. Someone that can provide for you. Love you. Truly. Deeply. With his whole heart. Someone who makes you his world. Someone who’s in a place to hold you close and never let go. That’s what you’re looking for. That’s what you deserve. That’s the type of man you need. You need someone who doesn’t have thoughts constantly running through his head. You need someone who doesn’t have something to prove. You know, someone who knows how to love like that.”

All I want is you. I don’t care how little of you I have.
The words caught in my throat. How could I make him see that every part of him was what I wanted?

“Say something, Mila.” He turned back to me, his face twisted. “Speak to me.”

“I’d like to fly,” I said. “If you could see me in the darkness, flying through the sky, you’d be amazed by me. You’d be amazed by all I could see and do.”

“I see you in the light,” he whispered. “And I see you in the darkness. That’s the problem.” His voice cracked and I closed my eyes, feeling like someone had just shot an arrow through my heart. Confusion and sorrow filled me. My heart of glass was cracking and I wasn’t sure it would ever be whole again. “I can’t bear to see you in the dark, Mila. I don’t think I’d survive.”

I can’t survive without you
ran through my head, but once again I didn’t speak.

“The man who loves you shouldn’t be the man who breaks your heart, Mila,” he continued, as if he were trying to convince me of the reasons why I should be happy he didn’t love me.

“Yeah,” I said finally, trying not to cry. “I need to tell you something,” I said finally. There was no time like the present and I needed to get everything off of my mind.

“Sure,” he said and he rolled to look at me. “What is it?”

“I did something a long time ago and you might hate me for it.”

“Oh?” His tone had changed and I looked over at him.

“There was a girl, when you were in college, one weekend when Sally and I were staying with you and Cody, and she came over and—”

“She told you she was pregnant with my baby.” TJ grinned at me. “And you told her to leave like some badass bitch.”

“You knew?” My jaw dropped open as my eyes widened. “You knew all this time and you never told me?”

“I’d never even slept with that girl.” He laughed. “Yeah, I knew. I thought it was funny.” He shrugged. “Has this been bothering you for a while?”

“I’ve been feeling guilty for years.” I bit down on my lower lip. “It was a horrible thing to do.”

“Oh, Mila.” He reached over and held me and kissed my nose softly. “I’m sorry, I should have mentioned something to you.”

“I felt so bad for what I did, and for lying.” I sighed. “I hate lying.”

“I know.” His eyes shifted away from mine and he sighed. “I hate lying too.”

“Is there something you’re not telling me, TJ?” I asked bravely, finally voicing the words I’d been wanting to say for a long time. “I feel like there’s something going on. And I wish you’d share it with me.”

“Mila, there are so many things I want to tell you.” He looked back into my eyes. “You have to understand that.”

“Things like what?”

“Things like how beautiful I think you are. How smart. How wonderful. How brilliant. How your smile lights up a room and my heart.” He stopped as his phone started ringing and he sighed as he took it from his pocket. I saw a bunch of text messages on his phone and I watched him responding to them quickly. My heart raced as he turned the phone away from me so that I couldn’t see the screen. Who was he texting? Did he have someone else? A girlfriend? Someone he really did like, or maybe even loved? My heart grew cold at the thought and I could feel myself starting to feel sick. Was that what TJ was hiding? The fact that he was seeing someone else? I lay back on the grass on my back and just stared up at the stars, trying to breathe in and out to calm my nerves.

"Sorry about that," TJ said, turning back to me.

"That's fine," I said quietly. "Who was it?"

"Oh," he paused. "Just some girl."

"Oh," I said, my stomach lurching, waiting for him to say more. "And you needed to text her back right away?" I said after he didn't say anything else.

"Yeah, I knew she'd keep calling and texting if I didn't." He sighed but still didn't say more.

"I see," I said, but I didn't. I felt like I wanted to die. Another woman added a whole new element to my heartache.

"She doesn't know I went out of town," he continued. "She wanted to talk to me."

"About what?" I asked softly and looked over into his eyes.

"You," he said softly, his face serious. "She wanted to talk about you."

"Oh," I said and I felt tears drifting down my face.

"It's complicated, Mila. It's just so complicated. I don't even know what to say anymore." He reached over and ran his fingers down my face and brushed away my tears. "Please don't cry."

"I'm not crying." I looked away from him.

"My mom used to say that when I caught her crying," he said abruptly, his eyes going dark. "I just remembered that. I would catch her sometimes, just crying, and I never knew why. She'd usually stop right away. And then she'd smile and hold me close and kiss me and tell me I was her perfect little boy." He smiled at me wryly. "Then if my dad caught her, he'd tell her to stop coddling me and she'd let me go and I'd just sit there, slightly confused and bereft, not understanding." He blinked up at me. "Then she just stopped hugging altogether, not unless she was sure my dad wouldn't see."

"Oh, TJ." My heart broke for him. "I'm so sorry."

"It's okay." He nodded. "That wasn't the part that hurt." He paused. "The part that hurt was seeing her hug and smile at everyone else. It made me feel small, unloved, like I'd done something wrong. I remember once, I had a party and she hugged all my school friends and asked each and every one of them how their day had been, yet she didn't even look me in the eyes. She didn't even care about me, her own son, the one she should have loved the most."

"I don't know why she did that," I whispered and stroked the side of his face. "I'm so sorry." The words sounded inadequate, even to my own ears.

"I was too young to understand that it must have been due to my dad," he said and sighed. "All I could think about was how she always used to hold me close and hug and kiss me until I couldn't breathe. And she'd tell me how much she loved me. How she couldn't imagine loving anyone more than me. And then she just stopped."

"I'm sure she didn't stop."

"She just stopped. I was her world. She told me I was her world. She used to tell me that I was her reason for living. That my birth was what had made her life perfect. She told me that the day she had me was the day she started to believe in God again. He'd proven he existed by giving her something so perfect." His throat caught. "And then she stopped loving me and she died."