Found (16 page)

There are many questions I never got to ask my mother. She was such a flurry of cigarettes, coffee, and white wine. It was impossible to get her to sit down, slow down, and tell me anything about her life and her roots. Much as my children only know the McEnroe side of their family, I only ever knew the O'Neal side of mine. Someday I hope to find out more about the family I've never known.

My mother lost her parents when she was six. I lost my mother when I was six. And my children lost me for a while there, too. That's three generations of loss and abandonment, and it is my hope that the buck stops with me. If that is my only legacy, I will be proud.

Repairing the trauma of my childhood is a lifelong process. It really has been two steps forward and one step back. But I am still trudging the road of happy destiny. If you look at my path, I am always moving upward and onward, and my life has gotten better, one day at a time. I have never been happier than I am today, and I am waiting eagerly to see what the future holds for me and my children.

When I came back to L.A., I thought I was returning to old friends. Then the move became much more about reconciling with my father and building my career. Now I find myself turning to the physical world of L.A., the solace and joy there is in space, air, sun, and mountains.

The greatest dreams I have are within reach. I dream of one day having Christmas with my whole family: my children, Griffin and his kids, my brother Patrick and his kids, Redmond, my uncle Kevin, and my father. After a lifetime of separation—my God, how great would that be.

I know there must be a reason I have this particular life, and I am grateful for all that it has given me. I am truly blessed.

Acknowledgments

I WANT TO
thank the following people who are my allies, my guides, and my friends: My dad, because he's shown me through this journey that he is a courageous parent and a wonderful father. Jodi Peikoff, whose love and support has been unwavering, and everyone in her office. Ron Castellano, the hardest-working man in the world and the most reliable. Kyle White, whose hair color makes me want to sing into the clouds. I love you, Kyle. Patty Baret, whose words of wisdom and experience, strength and hope, I rely on every day. Pickle O'Neal, whose crazy energy keeps me warm at night and keeps me smiling all day. I love that dog. Birnie Francis, who has stuck with me for thirty years. I love you, old man!! Oprah Winfrey, because she is Oprah and has helped me and millions of women believe even when we didn't. I would like to thank all the wonderful people from the OWN network: Lisa Espramer and Rod Aissa. David Goldberg for taking a chance on us! Greg Johnston, who is an O'Neal at this point. Gilda Brasch, who is right beside Greg in the O'Neal DNA pool. Griffin, Redmond, and Patrick O'Neal, my three brothers whom I love dearly now and forever. My uncle Kevin O'Neal. Andie O'Neal, Joanna O'Neal, Rennon O'Neal, Dillan O'Neal, Damie Deil. All my extended family, whom I don't know now but hope to know one day. And Garrett O'Neal, whom I love and miss. Anjelica Huston for teaching me class, style, and taste. Denis Leary, who has supported me through my ups and downs. Gary Mantoosh, whose spirit and enthusiasm keep me smiling every day. Jen Brehl, another fierce woman advocate and my inspired editor. Hilary Liftin, because she is totally awesome and without her you wouldn't be reading this right now. Hunter Hill, because you are my hero! Rob Parr, who has been dedicated to my physicality for more than twenty-five years. Tracy Cunningham, my L.A.-based hair genius. Steven and Stuart, you know who you are and I love you! Carrie White, you bring light to any room you enter. Sandy Bell, who taught me to let go of the rope. Alexa Lynette, who keeps my bookkeeping in perfect order.

I also am grateful to and want to thank the following people: David Kuhn, Angela Cheng Caplan, Dawn Andrews, Douglas Friedman, Johnny Stuntz (aka Johnny Kat), Mela Murphy, Paul Thomas, Lesley Morrison, Esmé Evans, Sue Mengers, Barry Fox, Shari Sedlis, and Caroline Copley. Ines Taylor, for devoting so much of her life to me and my children. The crew of
The O'Neals
. Wallis, my cat, for being part of my family for seventeen years and now for keeping my dad warm at night. Fariba, hands and feet, always so sweet. Maura Egan, class, grace, and beauty.

About the Author

The youngest actress ever to win an Academy Award
^®
,
TATUM O'NEAL
has been a public figure for the past three decades. An actress, author, and mother, she makes her home in Los Angeles, California.

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Also by Tatum O'Neal

A Paper Life

With my parents—so much hope and promise.

My favorite picture in the world of my dad and me.

As a baby in Ryan's arms. Our early bond is what pulls us back together.

Farrah, Ryan, Griffin, and me in the 1980s. There were times when all was well.
(Brad Elterman/Getty Images)

Playing pool with Ryan at the beach house.

Young Tatum, baby Kevin, and young John in happier times—England, c. 1986.
(Dave Hogan/Getty Images)

My mother and my daughter, 1994. I wish we could all look at this picture together and wonder what was in the sky.

With my three beloved children around 1998. I appreciate every moment with them.

Kevin, Emily, me, and Sean at Kevin's college graduation in 2006. This is one of my favorite pictures.

With Emily out on the town in New York, 2007.
(Jim Spellman/Getty Images)

At the 2008 Tribeca Film Festival with Perry Moore (
left
), Emily, and Hunter Hill (
right
)—with no idea Perry wouldn't make it.
(Bryan Bedder/Getty Images)

With Denis on the last day of shooting the
Rescue Me
finale—what a great experience.

With my dear friend Kyle at the premiere of
Frozen River
in 2008.
(Brad Barket/Getty Images)