Forsaking Gray (The Colloway Brothers Book 1) (34 page)

Gently lifting Luke’s arm, I slide slowly out of bed. I pull on my robe and open the door, careful to avoid the loose floorboard that squeaks when I step out into the darkened hallway.

Making my way to the kitchen, I pull a few saltines from the cupboard. Opening the fridge, I stare longingly at the milk. One of many things I’ve been told to avoid to help the morning sickness. I grab a bottle of water instead. Sitting in the dark at the island, I think back to Dr. Culross’s explanation of how I ended up pregnant.

“I had a procedure done with coils or something placed in my tubes. I was told they’d prevent pregnancy.”

“Well, not every procedure is foolproof, Livia. Did you have the follow-up visit where x-rays are taken to ensure sufficient scar tissue had formed? That’s what blocks the sperm, but it takes several months for the tissue to form, so that last step is critical to ensure the procedure worked.”

I shake my head.

“Well, then I guess you’re lucky you haven’t gotten pregnant before now. If you truly don’t wish to have children in the future, you’ll either have to have it re-performed or choose an alternative method of birth control.”

Dr. Culross had no idea of my history. She had no idea that I hadn’t even had sex in the past almost three years, until recently, and she certainly didn’t know the man who used me as his plaything before couldn’t have children. She never asked me why, but I could see the question in her eyes about why someone so young would have such a life altering procedure.

As I sit here in the dark and think about the circumstances that led me here, that led
us
here, for the first time I have a deep-seated need to tell Gray what happened. Not for sympathy, not to win him back, but for closure. For both of us. Maybe if he knows why I left, why I really stayed away all this time, he’ll truly believe it wasn’t him. I need him to believe that. I’ve been exceedingly selfish keeping this to myself and I need to make things right. He needs to understand that I
didn’t
abandon him, at least not in the way he thinks.

Maybe then we can both put this part of our lives behind us. It makes me incredibly sad to think that’s a real possibility, even though I saw evidence of that with my own two eyes tonight. To know that I may have to see him in the future with another woman, or other children, when we swap weekends with our child almost brings me to my knees with sheer, raw pain.

Resolute in my decision, minutes later, pen and paper in hand, and a soft glow from the lamp adding just enough light, I begin my confession. It takes four tries, but an hour later, with my deepest shame now in writing, I strangely feel a little bit lighter. I feel a tiny bit of peace lingering around the dark edges. I hope it does the same thing for Gray.

When I glide back into bed, Luke puts an arm around my waist, pulling me close. “Feel better, baby?”

I nod and close my eyes, finally able to drift off into a light, fitful sleep.

Chapter 49

This week isn’t much better than the last. I go through the motions, not even sure what decisions I’m making anymore. I attend meetings. I sit on conference calls. I blindly sign documents without even so much as a cursory review. I could have sold our company ten times over by now and not even known it. I can’t get Livvy out of my mind. And I can’t get the image of her in Luke’s arms out of it, either. It’s forever scorched there, the outline of it still smoking.

I’ve sat outside of her apartment every night for the past three days, but I can’t force myself to go up and knock on her door. I can’t see her in his arms again. Last night I saw them walk out together and get into his car. He held open the door and they were laughing. They looked like a couple. I don’t know how many times I have to be destroyed by this woman before I give her up or give up on her. I never would have pegged myself to be such a glutton for punishment.

As I watched her, I noticed she looked better, not nearly as peaked as she did when I up and abandoned her in the hospital without so much as a goodbye. I don’t even know why I care anymore, but I do. I can’t make myself stop.

I sat there long after they left, doing nothing but staring into the night. I was in so much pain seeing them together I couldn’t even move. An hour later when I returned to my apartment, I had another problem to deal with.

Lena. In my fucking shirt and nothing else.

That conniving bitch had sweet-talked Sam into letting her into my apartment, making him believe we were back together and that she’d just misplaced her key. Because she’d been to my place several times, he believed her. Sam felt terrible. I told Lena if I ever saw her, or if she so much as thought about contacting me again, I would take out a restraining order. Psycho bitch.

A sudden loud commotion outside my office gets my attention and I’m almost to the door when it flies open, knocking me back a few steps. Seconds later I’m on the floor, my cheek feels like it exploded. I look up and Luke hovers over me, fists clenched, ready to strike another blow.

“A simple hi would have worked,” I grumble, licking the blood off my lip as I stand. My temp is in the doorway, eyes as wide as saucers. “It’s fine, Allison. Shut the door on your way out, please.”

“Are you—”

“Yes. Shut the door.” The last thing I need is for the entire office to hear what I’m afraid is about to go down, although I’m pretty sure they’ll hear plenty of muffled shouting here very shortly.

I walk back to my desk and calmly take a seat. What I really want to do is lay my brother out flat on the ground. “Do you mind telling me what I did to deserve that? I think I’m the one that should be throwing the punches. You are fucking my girl, after all.”

He shakes his head, taking a seat. “I’ve told you repeatedly I’m not fucking Livia. We are friends. That’s it.” I watch his eyes closely as he speaks. I remember when we were kids and Luke lied, his left eye would always tick slightly. It didn’t take long for my parents to catch on and Luke was always the go-to kid when they wanted to get the truth.

No tick.

“But you want to.”
That
much, I know. And I want to strangle him for thinking that way about her.

“You’re one to talk, Gray, given the fact that just last night you were fucking some whore in your apartment.” Luke’s jaw clenches.

My brows draw together in confusion.
Lena?
How the fuck does he know about Lena? “Then you have been misinformed.”

“Really?” he smirked. “So you’re telling me the blonde in your apartment, wearing nothing but your shirt, was what? A maid? A co-worker dropping off some work papers? A neighbor stopping by for an egg or a cup of sugar, perhaps?”

“How do you know about that?” Now I’m getting fucking pissed. I have no idea what Luke is into these days, but if I find out he’s following me we will have some serious problems.

“Why don’t you ask Livia?”

“Livia?” I whisper. “Why would I ask Livia?” That sick feeling that’s been my constant companion for the past couple of weeks is knocking violently deep within the walls of my gut. I know exactly what he’s about to tell me and I feel positively ill.

“Because your whore answered the door last night at about nine thirty when she came to talk to you, since you’ve been too much of a pussy to nut it up and chase after the woman you claim to love.”

I think back to when I saw them leave Livvy’s last night. Had I not sat there, drowning in my own pathetic pool of sorrow, none of this would have happened. Maybe Livvy would be back in my arms this very moment. A string of expletives rolls low and rough off my tongue. My brother watches me closely, gauging my reaction to his little bomb. “It’s not what it looked like.” My excuse sounds lame and unbelievable, even to my own ears.

A ghost of a smile crosses Luke’s lips. “Riiiight.”

I don’t deem his comment worthy of a response. The only person’s opinion I care about is Livvy’s, and I need to make sure she knows what she saw wasn’t at all what it looked like.
And maybe neither was what you saw between Livvy and Luke
. I let my head fall back against my chair and gaze up at the ceiling. This whole situation is one big clusterfuck. Luke is right and I hate it. I do need to man up.

“Why are you here,” I ask tiredly. All of a sudden I’m exhausted. Constantly carrying anger and hurt takes a huge emotional and physical toll on the human psyche. I’ve been carrying them both for over five years and I’m tired. I want Livvy in my life, but I realize I don’t know if that’s really possible anymore. All that water under the bridge seems to have risen to flood level stages and threatens to spill over its banks, washing the entire bridge away with its enormous power.

Luke stands and paces, running his hands through his shaggy hair. “I really don’t know why, Gray. I may not be worthy of Livia, but you sure as fuck don’t deserve her either with the way you’ve treated her these past few days.”

“I—”

He continues, talking over me. “But for some fucking reason, she is blindly in love with you and has been since the day I met her. The Gray I used to know wouldn’t take a paltry paragraph of loosely thrown together facts at face value without digging and picking and pulling apart each word until he had the whole fucking story.”

“She married another man after she’d agreed to marry me!” I roar. “What other story do I need?”

Luke stops, staring me down, his blazing eyes mirroring mine. “The real one.”

Then I realize that he was referencing the report that Townley had given me. “And how do you know about the report?”

“Probably bad form to have your PI bills sent to your work email when your girlfriend has access to them. Livia’s pretty good at putting two and two together.”

“Fuck.” Then I realize that Townley only sent the bill to my work email, not the report. “That still doesn’t explain how you know about the report. Or what’s in it,” I accuse.

His smirk grates on me. “I have my sources.”

We’re silent for several tense minutes. “What happened to her, Luke?” My quiet voice drifts over the desk and hangs in the air like poisonous mist, ready to sear my skin with its deadly toxin.

“I’ve told you. That’s Livia’s story to tell and only hers. But I can assure you, whatever you’re thinking, you are dead wrong.” His words ring with such conviction, it scares me.

Standing, I walk to the window and look out into a city teeming with life. I inanely wonder what types of problems the people walking the sidewalks of Chicago below me are dealing with in their own lives and if they’re half as fucked up or complex as mine. “I don’t know if it matters anymore. I don’t know if we can get past this.”

Snorting, he bites, “If you really think that, then you’re even more of a self-absorbed, self-righteous prick than I thought you were.” I hear something whisper across my desk and turn to see an envelope that Luke’s thrown down, my name scrawled across the front. I raise my eyes to lock with his. “And if you really think that, then you don’t deserve answers. You deserve to be kept in the dark for the rest of your sad, lonely life. You don’t deserve
her
.”

I face him, my arms crossed protectively, like I’m trying to shield my heart from the cuts each truthful word inflicts. “You never told me why you’re here.”

His mouth turns up in a sad smile. “I’m doing it for Livia.
I
would do anything for her.” Then he turns and leaves much differently than the way he arrived, closing the door softly behind him. His last sentence lingers in the air, the unspoken challenge heard loud and clear.

My twin may be in love with Livvy, of that I have no doubt, but he’s trying to push us back together, instead of tear us apart. And right now, tearing us apart would be so very easy to do. We both believed hurtful lies that aren’t true. As insanely jealous as I am of Luke, I also have to respect him for his selflessness. I rub my split lip absently, another injury to add to my marred face, just starting to heal from Saturday’s altercation.

Just then, an odd thought pops into my head and I remember the story our mom used to tell us when we were younger about how they named us. Luke was always to be named Luke, but my parents had a different name picked out for me. When I was born, they said the name didn’t fit, so I became Gray instead.

I look at the closed door my twin just walked through. The original name they’d picked out for me was Grant.

Chapter 50