Forgive Me (7 page)

              And that thought makes me sick. Literally.

              I stand up and hop out of the truck's bed so fast, I'm surprised I didn't break a leg. I spot a trashcan only a few feet from me and run to it. I toss up all the liquid I've devoured and then some.

              As my hair is being pulled away from me, my face heats up again, knowing Zander just witnessed that.

              "I had too much to drink," I tell him. I did drink too much but I'm not drunk- not like I thought I'd be. And it's not the reason I threw up either.

              He rubs my back and softly guides me away from the trash can towards a giant black truck. It's the kind of truck that makes girls drool and other guys jealous. The kind of truck you'd have sex with. When he swings open the passenger side door, it's then I realize it's his. He reaches in and hands me a few napkins from the glove box. I take them, quite embarrassed but very grateful. I wipe at my mouth and look around to where I can toss them.

              I walk back towards the same trash can, toss them in, and turn back around. Zander is still standing next to his truck but he isn't watching me. He is running his hand through his hair, his hat placed in his other hand. I don't know which Zander I like better, the normal one or the cowboy one.

              As he slides back on his hat, he looks up to the sky, avoiding me. I'm not sure if I should walk towards him or walk back to the honkey tonk. I don't want Faith or Magnolia worried about me, but I'm not ready to leave his side yet. I would like to pretend for just a few more minutes that everything is fine, that everything isn't going to blow up in this upcoming week.

              I opt for walking towards Zander. He hears me approaching and his attention is back on, a smile on his face. "Feeling better?" he asks.

              I almost forgot I had thrown up. "Yeah," I tell him.

              His smile grows a little more. "Good. You wanna head back in?" His eyes look in the direction to where the music and lights are. The reflection of everything going on illuminates his face, making him look even more beautiful than before. Yes, I called him beautiful and he is a guy. It's a wonderful description for him in this moment though.

              When he looks back at me with a questioning stare, I realize I didn't answer his question. "Oh right, uh, I guess." No, no I don't want to! Stay and talk with me! Of course I don't really beg him as much as I want to, I just shrug my shoulders but remain in place.

              He chuckles softly. "You don't really want to then." It wasn't a question.

              "No, not yet," I tell him with a small smile.

              "Come here." I take the extra steps until I'm directly in front of him. I'm not sure what he wants me to do and I'm completely taken by surprise when he holds onto my hips. I'm not sure if should moan in happiness, push him away since he is engaged, cry with guilt, or what. Then he lifts me and places me in the bed of his own pick up. I mentally laugh at myself.
You idiot, of course he wasn't trying something! Get over him, and get yourself!

              He jumps up, surprising me that he can even jump that high. A normal truck is hard enough to jump into, let alone a lifted one. I guess it just goes to show he has some serious muscle.

              Which reminds me. "Gunner says you may be taking over for 'Ol Man Jones when the time comes."

              His grin turns devilish and I'm curious as to why. "So you've been keeping tabs on me I see."

              Oh, that’s why.

              I'm so thankful it's dark so he can't see me blush. Tears and blushing, two things I don't think I've done in years. I'm not sure if it's my family, Texas, or Zander, but for some reason, I'm fourteen again, not twenty four.

              "No, well, yeah, I mean, no. He um, he mentioned it today." Okay, scratch that, it doesn't matter that it's dark anymore, he just made me stutter like crazy. I clear my throat then face my head towards the left, wanting a hole to open up and take me right now.

              How embarrassing!

              When nothing is said and no noise is made, I slowly and reluctantly turn back to face him. He is wearing a shit-eating grin the size of... Texas. The smallest little indent to the left of his grin reminds me of when I first discovered he had a dimple, it was in the movie theater when he first kissed me.
And cue the butterflies
, they just erupted at the thought. Plus, when he is staring at me like that, it's hard not to feel like a tangled mess inside.

              Thinking he is going to say something to embarrass me further, or make assumptions that I keep tabs, he surprises me when he finally does speak. "Do you remember that game we made up in the tree house?"

              Well there were two. One was where we told each other three secrets about ourselves, sometimes they were silly like 'I secretly like the smell of my own fart' and yeah, I was disturbed when he said that one to me. Sometimes they were more serious, like 'I hate my family and I want to leave this country,' which was no shock to Zander, but took me off guard admitting it out loud for the first time.

              Yeah, it was a fun game that opened me up a lot to him, it made it so we had no secrets, and it kept us occupied. Then when we had less and less to share with one another, came game number two. We had two dice and a list of what the numbers meant. Such as you rolled two dice, one landed one three, one landed on six. Three would be lick, or suck, or kiss, something like that, and the six would be a body part. They were never inappropriate body parts, but towards the last three or four months of our relationship, things would progress between us. Yeah, that game was amazing.

              Him asking that question makes me nervous though, because it probably means he is going to want to play one of those games. And although the dice game sounds nice, he is engaged. Plus, I'm highly certain he doesn't have dice in his pocket. Which means, he wants to play the truth game. Three truths, from me. I could do maybe three rounds of that, meaning nine total secrets, then things may get messy or hard. I have a decade of lies at the forefront of my mind, one may just slip out if we play this reckless game.

              Instead of mentally contemplating it anymore, I just nod my head and force a smile. "Yeah, I remember them."

              "Them?" He stares for a second until his eyes light up. "Oh, right,
them.
" His smile widens and he is now thinking of the dice game too.

              I roll my eyes and softly laugh. "What about the games?"

              "We have some catching up to do. Let’s share a few secrets, two rounds worth, then we can head back in before Emerson or Faith send out a search party."

              Two rounds, okay, I can do this.

              "You go first," I tell him.

              "Fair enough." He pauses while he thinks of a few things. "Okay, one, I wish my truck were red." We both sort of chuckle. "Two, I'm a little scared to get married next month."
Gulp.
"And three, I feel like I'm still dreaming having you back home." The game gets a little too serious, too fast. I'm the one not sure if I'm dreaming or not. I'm also not sure what to say- to any of that. Well, minus the truck being red verses black.

              Instead of answering him, because I'm sure I'll ask the wrong questions, I take my turn. "I like my job," I say holding up one finger. Holding up a second and third I finish. "I actually felt welcomed by most everyone when I came back, and you're half the reason I left." Shit, did I say that out loud?

              He looks like I physically slapped him across the face. My words actually cause him to wince and I immediately want to take them back. I didn't mean it to sound like I disliked him, or that he forced me away, or anything like that. He was my reason for waking up each morning. But how do I explain what I mean without giving him the exact reason? I don't think I can, and I also don't think this is the time or place.

              "Sorry," he mutters.

              "No, Zander, I'm sorry."

              "Look," he interrupts. "I shouldn't have come chasing after you, and I shouldn't have just said all that. I'm getting married in two weeks, you've been gone ten years. I guess you showing up unannounced took me off guard, especially when I thought you were... well... dead." He shivers his body, erasing those thoughts.

              I can feel tears welling in my eyes again. I can't say anything to him. I can't stop his self-loathing or questioning ways. I can't explain anything. Even if I wanted to right now, I can't. My body won't move, my mind is going crazy, my mouth is glued shut. I don't know what is wrong with me, and I'm not sure how to fix it.

              He sniffs before swallowing hard. Not in an emotional way, just out of habit. He looks at me and I don't see any signs of happiness or playfulness, I see a man who just grew up before my eyes. Not the Zander Fields I knew, but the Zander Fields I made. I can't even help the guilt swarming through me, and I keep yelling at myself inside my head, asking why the heck I didn't tell him years ago! Even five years ago, when reality hit me hard like a ton of brick. I should have told him, and I didn't, and now it's ruining everything before I have a chance to fix it.

              And I'm confusing myself!

              I need to turn off my overactive brain for the night, go home and sleep. Tomorrow is a new day and I'll fix things later. Later as in when Zander shows up to Clay and Faith's and sees Justin. He'll know. I know he will. How can you not know your own child when you're staring at him?

              "Lexi?" He gets eye level with me, bringing me back to reality. I still don't feel like I can talk, but I can make sense of what is going on around me. I blink a few times and bring my head back, looking at his softening features.

              "I lost you there for a sec. Come on, we should probably head back."

              I nod my head then stand after he does. He helps me down from his monstrous truck, then he jumps out. We walk back in next to each other but a few inches apart and without any words.

              Spotting Faith, I walk directly towards her. She gives me a pouty lip. "I was wondering what happened to you." Her eyes look over to Zander than back to me. "You okay?"

              "Yeah, fine." My voice is weak and tired.

              She gets the hint. "Let's go find your brother."

The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you.

You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.

-Bob Marley

Rease texted me and said they were running a little behind. They apparently stayed up until after

three this morning and slept in. I'm surprised with myself for not being upset. I used to love to stay up late at night with Bray, so I can understand why they would.

Bray. Ugh, I have to see her today. Don't get me wrong, I'm completely thrilled, but scared. Terrified. It’s another obstacle I have to deal with while I'm back. I'm sure there will be yelling, crying, hugging, and whatever else. If she shows up that is. And Tanner. He probably hates me. I just ran off yesterday even though he didn't do anything wrong. He made me face reality and I shouldn't have held that against him, even for a minute. I hope he shows so I can apologize.

I help prepare a few foods with Faith while we listen to some music. She dances around the kitchen, singing along to the radio, knowing every single song that comes on. A few times she raises her voice during the chorus and looks at me with laughter in her eyes. She is such a precious woman and I'm so happy for my brother.

In all honesty, I think she is singing and dancing to lighten up my mood. She seems to sense I'm a little on edge about everything. It works too. By the time we're finished with everything we had to prepare I catch myself gliding across the kitchen with a dance in my step and I sing out a few verses of some songs I know. She laughs when she places the last of the pressed hamburg in the fridge for when the guys grill burgers later. "Please don't ever try out for The Voice." She winks her eye at me.

I flip her off when I walk back down the hall towards the room I'm occupying. "Screw you!" Of course I laugh when I say it. I already know I'm tone deaf. She bursts out in laughter and it fades as I get closer to my room.

My heart skips several beats when I spot that pickup truck pull into the drive. I'm standing in the guest room, digging through all my clothes. Most of my wardrobe consists of nice dress clothes though, since I’m usually doing something work related. Its either those, or pajamas. I decide to skip over into Faith’s room. She had a ton of clothes in a pile yesterday that she said I could borrow whenever need be. This is a need be for me.

I slide into a pair of cut off shorts that go a little further up my thigh than I’d like, but its so much hotter than I’m used to in Texas, I decide they’re fine for today. I layer on a white tank top first then a navy blue one. Looking at the belt slipped over the side of the chair, I slide it throw the loops of my shorts and clasp the large buckle in front. I feel adorable, like a true southern lady. Its been far too long.