Forgive Me

Forgive
Me

A novel by
Ashley Beale

Forgive Me
© Ashley Beale, 2014.

This publication is protected under the US Copyright Act of 1976 and all other applicable international, federal, state and local laws, and all rights are reserved, including resale rights. You are not permitted to give or sell this book to anyone else. Any trademarks, product names, service marks, or named features are assumed to be the property of their respective owners, and are used only for reference. All rights are reserved.

This book is a work of fiction and any resemblance to any person, living or dead, any place, events or occurrences, is purely coincidental. The characters and story lines are created from the author's imagination or are used fictitiously.

Published by: Ashley Beale

Edited by: Amanda King
Beta Reader: Felicia Ward

Cover image © 2014 – depositphotos.com

ISBN-13: 978-1494744038

ISBN-10: 1494744031

Forgive Me is dedicated to my amazingly wonderful and supportive street team.
Honestly, I don’t even like calling it a street team- it has become so much more!

Kia Sanders, Amanda King, Patricia Jenkins, Stephanie Christensen, Jennifer Marr,

Chelsea Dowe, Sandi Laubhan, Diane Dininno, Amber Phillips, Nicole Huffman,

Julie Kitzmiller, Jen Joe, Amy Stephens, Becky Manis, Christina Concus, Felicia Ward.

You all are amazing. You’ve become my friends & my family wrapped into one! Its been great talking to you all and getting to know you- and I hope that one day I get to meet each and every one of you!

Thank you for getting my name and my books out there. Thank you for your encouragement, your support, your love, your kind words… thank you for being there for me in general.
I owe you so much and more! But I’ll start here.

The one thing that can cut you deeper than a blade,

Is the same thing that can save you.

Love.

-Ashley M. Beale

              I can still remember the first time I fell in love. I was thirteen years old.

              Young you say? Probably. It was real just the same.

              Zander Fields and I went to school together our whole lives. What made me fall in love with him at thirteen? Well, it was nearly impossible not to.

              We lived on the same road, his family on one end, my family on the other.

My family consists of two brothers and two sisters. I had a mom who was so stressed she was constantly drugged on muscle relaxers and anti-depressants. My father worked two jobs and was never around. My brothers were older and frequently getting in trouble, both my sisters were younger and way too babied. Me, well, I was the middle child that didn't get much attention.

              Most mornings I went to school without food. I hadn't bathed in days, and had to wear the same clothes twice before they became washed. My mom wasn't a horrible mom, she just didn't have time for me. My father obviously didn't have time for any of us, he hardly had time for himself. My mom’s energy was mostly used on my younger siblings, and my older siblings cared more about themselves or females.

              So here I was, taking care of myself. I didn't complain. In fact, I hardly talked.

              I was in eighth grade, which meant I finally got the back of the bus. I liked that fact for different reasons than other students. They liked the back seat because they could be sneaky and do things the bus driver would cringe over. I liked it because it meant there were less people around me. I didn't have to communicate with anyone.

              My only friend I pretty much ever had was my next door neighbor, Bray. She was a grade ahead of me, so that was the year I was left completely alone.

              The back seat opposite to mine was Zander's.

              The third day of school that year he handed me a granola bar. He didn't say anything, just smiled at me as he handed it off. I silently thanked him and devoured the bar. Every day after that, something was handed to me. I never went to school starving again.

              We didn't talk much, but each morning I felt feelings for him I had never felt before. It was strange, but I ignored them. There was no use in over thinking things that would never happen.

              Then it happened.

              He asked me out on a date. It was half way through the school year, a little after New Years. I wasn't sure why, but instead of questioning things, I simply said yes. His mom picked me up at my home that night. Zander and I sat in the backseat the whole way to the theaters, and his mom watched a different film than the two of us. While in the theater, he put his arm around my shoulders. I felt things in my stomach I never knew I could feel. And I liked it. A lot.

              When I looked over at Zander, he laid his lips on mine. He stole my heart with that kiss. But still, I wasn't in love... yet.

              We became boyfriend and girlfriend that night. I never told my family, because, well, they wouldn't care either way. They hadn't even noticed I had left that evening, they thought I was in my room doing homework. I liked it. I liked them not noticing.

              After that night, I was gone a lot. I spent a lot of time with Zander at his house since it wasn't more than a mile to get there. We spent a lot of time in his tree house, or playing Nintendo, or riding our bikes.

              By the time summer came around, I knew I was in love. I knew no one could replace that feeling I had. When I wasn't with Zander, I was thinking about him. When I was with him, I was day dreaming about the next time I got to see him again. I was actually excited about waking up in the mornings, just because I knew I'd see him later. We still hadn't said it to one another, but I knew. And I knew how he felt. We just were perfect together.

              During the summer, things really started to grow between us. Feelings and curiosity got the best of us. We explored one another in every way possible without making
that
step. I was scared to take that step, even with Zander. To have my innocence completely taken away.

              I was at home one night, a night I was to stay home and watch my younger siblings, Rease and Torin. It was a week before high school started. I had been asking Bray about sex, since I knew absolutely nothing about it. She swore to me that it was the best thing in the world, I'd be begging for more, and that if I truly loved Zander, I'd take that step with him. Since she was the only person I had in my life to ask those questions to, I trusted her advice. So that night when I was home with my younger sisters, I put them to bed and Zander made his way over.

              We hadn't planned it together, and there was never any pressure. He was sweet to me. Sweeter to me than any person has ever been in my life. I knew I loved him, there was no doubt. There still isn't to this day. Regardless to if
we
planned it or not together or not, I planned it.

              I wanted romance. I read a lot. I had it envisioned for years, ever since I first dipped into my mom's romance novels. I lit candles around my bedroom, spritzed floral scented spray around my room, even got fake rose petals and placed them on my bed. Corny, I know! But I was fourteen at that time, and it was all I knew.

              When Zander came over, we started watching a movie in the living room, which led us to making out. I told him I had a surprise. He followed me up the stairs and into my bedroom. He was indeed surprised, but happy to make my wishes come true. He must have asked me thirty times if I was sure, and I reassured him the best I could each and every time that I was.

              So we took that step together. It was both our first times.

              He was sweet, romantic, and went easy on me. It still hurt like hell. I couldn't believe Bray ever wanted to do this a second time. After we finished making sweet, passionate love, the two of us laid together in bed and ended up falling asleep together. My father woke us the next morning.

              My father.

              We were naked.

              It was horrifying!

              Let's just say, I was grounded from Zander. We weren't allowed to be boyfriend and girlfriend, we weren't allowed to communicate, nothing. Of course, once school started back up we still held hands, kissed, and wrote each other notes. But that was it. It wrecked something beautiful. My parents didn't believe me that I was in love, and my mom took on a new prescription of anxiety pills, claiming she couldn't
handle
me.

              My brothers were both screwing whoever they wanted. But since I was a female, my
daddy's little girl
, it was uncalled for. Whatever.

              Three months later, when my period
still
hadn't come and my stomach started to harden as well as my breasts, I knew I forgot to plan one simple thing that night. I didn't tell anyone, way too afraid of what may happen.

              Then the day came that my mom walked in on me tossing everything into the toilet. I only had on a sports bra and a pair of shorts, since I was getting into the shower when the vomit had risen. She knew, there was no covering it up. I wasn't allowed to go to school that day, I wasn't allowed to call anyone. I was to pack up everything I could, get in the car, and was driven to the airport. That is where I was put on a plane and sent to my grandmothers.

              It's where I've lived ever since.

              And I never spoke to Zander again.

              My mom told everyone that my grandmother was ill and that I was to take care of her, and I was told that if I wanted a place to live and money to be handed to me, then I was to go along with that story. And I did. I was too afraid not to.