Forget Me Not (16 page)

“
I can be your friend,” I
tell him. “But you have to let me.”

This time, Jack kisses me. It’s
amazing and I try to stop myself from feeling anything for him, but
there is so much built up emotion in the way his lips move. I get
the impression he has never kissed anyone like this – or at least
not for a long time. He’s spent so long being the guy who hates
everything, the one who pushes everyone away, that now the walls
crumble as his mouth moves on mine. I am lost in him and we stand
in the parking lot of the cafe, discovering each other in a way
that an entire weekend of sex couldn’t allow us. I feel closer to
Jack now than I’ve ever felt with anyone.

“
Don’t fall for me,
princess,” he pleads, but it’s too late.

****

Back in Jack’s room, it’s different
this time. There are no toys, no extras. He’s gentle and sweet and
he undresses me as if I am fragile. I am amazed at the way he’s
being cautious. It just makes me feel even more for him, although
when he was rough and the sex was wild, I wasn’t complaining.
Still, this is something else entirely and when he enters me on his
bed, it is a whole new experience. Even with Derek, I felt love for
him, but we were in the same place emotionally. The way Jack is
being with me is unexpected; he’s as vulnerable as I am even if he
is in control. I don’t know why I trust him, why I believe that
this is something special for him, but I feel sure that it is. He
stares at me while he thrusts inside me and his hands move to my
face. The back of his palm brushes my cheek and he lets out a soft
moan.

“
Oh, Lily,” he says and he
leans down to kiss me. It’s a perfect kiss, both giving and
demanding.

I hold on to his hips as he continues
to move within me. His breathing is ragged, our bodies are on fire,
and still his eyes never leave mine. He says my name over and over
as he slides in and out of my pussy. I clutch at him with my thighs
and he moans loudly. I can’t control my orgasm and when it comes,
it is entire. Digging my heels into his bed, I feel it all the way
through my body. My nerves tingle and I cry his name. It is the
full extent of the pleasure and the look in his eyes that lead me
to say what I do.

“
I love you,
Jack.”

His eyes grow scared, but his body
wants more of me and he takes it until he comes as well. After,
though, he pulls away.

“
Don’t say those words,”
he begs. “I’m not capable of love and I’m not deserving of
it.”

“
I disagree,” I tell him
and bring him back to me. “And, it may have been a fit of passion
that dragged the words from me, but I do. I do love you. I care for
you so much.”

“
It’s only been a few
days.”

“
So what? In a few days, I
feel closer to you than I’ve felt with anyone else. Maybe it’s what
brought us together, maybe it’s the weight of your story, but
something in you makes me want to believe in you. Believe in
us.”

“
We aren’t ready to be an
us.”

“
Maybe not, but I do love
you. I don’t know if that means I’m ready to be
in
love with you, but I feel like
you need to know. And I hope that maybe it can be something, even
if I’m not sure what that is.”

He kisses my head and holds me tight.
“Thank you, Lily. For giving me a reason to hope.”

We fall asleep together and he wakes
me before breakfast in the morning. I have an exam today and I need
to be able to focus. However, I want him bad, especially since he
is ready to go when he wakes me.

“
We don’t have enough
time,” I say, while he moves his cock along my thigh and teases my
clit with his fingers.

“
I can be quick,” he
says.

I laugh. “Maybe, but I don’t want to
be thinking about fucking you while I’m writing an exam essay on
the Quartering Act.”

“
That’s the hottest of the
Intolerable Acts.” He kisses me, but I know how rattled I’ll be if
we have sex. I opt instead to get him into my mouth. His cock is
already hard and I stroke him while I move my tongue up and down
over it. Jack grabs my head and pushes me down onto him, desperate
to bury himself in me somehow. I swallow when he comes, which
doesn’t take long, and then we head to breakfast. I somehow manage
to study for my exam while we eat.

After my exam, I go back to my room to
work on my paper. I need to be alone if I’m going to get any work
done. Jack asked me to work on it in his room, but that’s going to
result in one shoddy paper. I’m almost done writing when Kristen
comes in.

“
What’s wrong?” I ask. She
looks flustered, but I can’t tell if it’s a good or bad
flustered.

“
Why can’t I just tell him
how I feel?”

“
Lyle?”

She sits on my bed and nods. “Yeah. I
mean, I have been flirting with him nonstop for months. I think he
likes me, but every time we get close to anything happening, one of
us ruins it. Why can’t I just tell him?”

I can’t help but laugh. “Kristen, I’m
sorry. But I am the worst person to ask for relationship
advice.”

She laughs as well. “Well, I don’t
know who else to ask. What should I do?”

“
I say go for
it.”

“
How?”

“
Are you a virgin,
Kristen?”

She nods. “Lyle is, too.”

It feels strange to be giving sex
advice, although I suppose I wasn’t innocent before Jack. Just less
experienced. “Get him alone and kiss him. Stop waiting for him to
do it. I know you keep hoping he’ll make the move, but it’s never
going to happen.”

“
What if he doesn’t like
me, though?”

“
Oh, he definitely likes
you. He’s just shy, I guess.”

“
You’re sure.”

I confess the secret I’ve been keeping
for Lyle. “You know how we’re both in environmental
club?”

“
Seriously? You want to
talk about environmental club?”

“
Hear me out,” I
say.

“
Okay, environmental
club…”

“
Right. Well, the club is
a total waste of time. We literally just sit around talking about
trash and debating about recycling and then do nothing.”

“
Good story.”

“
Shut up. The point is,
Lyle and I usually end up hanging around talking about other
things. Or, more accurately, we hang around talking about how much
he likes you and how I’m not supposed to tell you.”

“
Why didn’t you tell me?”
Kristen shrieks.

“
Because it’s a jerk move.
Anyway, what I’m trying to tell you is that, yes, he definitely
likes you. He’s obviously just never going to do anything about it
unless you do.”

“
Okay. This week. He will
be mine,” she laughs.

“
Awesome.”

“
Anyway, what about you?
Have you decided what you’re doing yet?”

“
I have no idea,” I
admit.

“
You’re going to hurt
someone eventually,” she says. “It’s easier to do it earlier than
later. Just keep that in mind.”

“
You’re right. The problem
is that I just don’t know who it is going to be,” I tell
her.

Chapter 12

Exam week is fairly redundant. Every
day, I take a test, work on papers, and spend a few hours with
Jack, forgetting all about school as he teaches me more and more
ways to please myself. I eat meals with my friends and I finally
feel like I’m part of the group. I even make plans to go to a party
with them on Saturday night, since Jack’s working anyway. Besides,
I can see him after the party. On Friday afternoon, he also has to
work so we don’t get to spend time together. I still feel a little
strange about what we are doing, because we haven’t given ourselves
a label. I also never emailed Derek back, which I know I need to do
this weekend. I promise myself that I’ll straighten it all out as
soon as I finish my last few papers.

Since Jack is busy and I have plenty
of work due by Sunday night, I go to the library to finish my
papers. I’m not going to write if Jack’s around anyway and the
library is free of distraction. In three hours, I get all of the
papers finished and feel accomplished. Now, I am free to enjoy
myself fully as soon as he gets out of work. After I hit send on
all the emails to professors, I decide to take the long way back to
the dorm. It’s a pretty walk and I’m almost happy, which is why I
suppose I shouldn’t be surprised when everything falls apart as
soon as I make it to the dorm.

I think nothing of the voices coming
from my room until I get closer. Kristen is talking to a guy, but I
expect it to be Lyle or maybe Don. I definitely don’t expect it to
be Derek. He’s sitting on my bed, but he jumps down and rushes to
me, scooping me up in a hug, as soon as I enter the room. He plants
kisses all over my face.

“
I missed you so much. You
never called me back,” he says.

“
I broke my
phone.”

“
I emailed you, too.” It’s
not accusatory, just clarifying, but it stings. I should have
replied. This is a mess.

“
I was busy.
Exams.”

“
Well, I have a huge
surprise for you.” He points to flowers that are sitting in a red
plastic cup full of water. “I also brought flowers. Kristen and I
couldn’t find a vase, so…”

“
It’s fine,” I say, but I
don’t know what to do or how to react. Suddenly, Derek being here,
in my room, feels invasive. Kristen looks at us both and excuses
herself. I can’t imagine what she must be thinking; she warned me
about this and I stupidly didn’t listen.

As soon as she’s gone, Derek is all
over me. I’m still extremely attracted to him, but my mind is
racing. Although I can’t deny that my feelings for Derek are still
there, all I can think of is Jack.

“
Stop,” I tell
him.

“
Why?”

“
Just stop.” I move away
from him and sit on my bed. He must sense something is wrong,
because he just stands in the doorway.

“
Lily, I’ve been an ass,
but I spent all week catching up so I could make it up to
you.”

“
I don’t…” However, I
don’t know how to finish that sentence. I don’t want you to make it
up to me? I don’t love you anymore? I don’t know what the hell I am
doing with myself? I don’t want to break Jack’s heart as soon as he
opened up to me? There is no sentence that makes this all right,
but I have no choice. I need to do something.

“
Listen, I booked a hotel
for the weekend,” Derek says. “Pack some things. I’m going to sweep
you off your feet to make up for being a douche lately. Exams are
over and we can figure it all out.”

“
I’m not going anywhere. I
have plans.”

“
So cancel
them.”

I laugh. “Oh, like you canceled your
plans for me? Go to hell, Derek.”

“
Lily, I spent the whole
week trying to make it okay. You didn’t even talk to
me.”

“
I don’t want to do
this.”

“
Why? I know you think
there is something happening with me and Jodie, but there isn’t. I
love you. Only you.” He comes over to me on the bed and kisses me,
but it feels wrong. I break away from him and stand up.

“
No. No. This isn’t
working.”

“
Lily, I know I screwed
up, but please, give me a chance. I am having such a hard time in
my classes and I didn’t want to bother you with it, on top of
having to ditch you for rugby. You have enough to worry about, but
I love you. You’re all I care about.”

“
It’s too late, Derek. You
didn’t care when I needed you.”

“
What are you talking
about? I always cared.”

“
Where were you last
weekend? When I needed you?”

“
Please don’t do this,
Lily. I offered to cancel my plans. I offered to quit the damn
team. You kept saying it was fine. Don’t put this all on
me.”

“
It was never fine,” I
cry.

“
Well, how the fuck was I
supposed to know that? I can’t read your mind.”

He’s angry and hurt and he has every
right to be. The right thing would have been to have this
conversation before I started something with Jack, but I didn’t.
Instead, I’m now caught between them both and looking at Derek
hurts so much. I want to feel the same way that I used to about
him; I want to go back to how things were before I started
college.

I sit in my chair and cover my face. I
wish I had a clue what I was doing. Why didn’t I realize this would
blow up? Obviously, Derek wasn’t going to disappear while I started
a new relationship. Why would that even be an option?

“
I thought you broke up
with me,” I say weakly.

He kneels down in front of me. “Of
course not. You’ve been the entire world to me since as long as I
can remember. This last year? It’s been amazing. I couldn’t ask for
anything else.”

“
I screwed up.”

“
No, I did. I should have
listened, should have been there. You’ve always been there, Lily. I
took you for granted and I’m sorry. Let’s go to the hotel. Let’s
fix this.”