Forever's Promises (Forever In Luck Series Book 1) (17 page)

His
head fell. Add another thing to the plate of problems he’d given her, making
her worry more. “I appreciate your telling me.”

“Can
I offer you some advice?”

He’d
take anything he could get right about now. “Yeah.”

“Don’t
be too proud to get help. Think about who you’re hurting, and what stands to be
lost if you don’t deal with things. Getting help right away, will make a huge
difference in both your lives. Trust me, we know this first hand.”

Good
advice, he thought, and another kick in the ass. He was calling the clinic
first thing in the morning. “Thank you. We’ll be in touch the first we hear
anything. I appreciate your helping us.”

“Not
a problem. We’re here for the both of you, any day, anytime, don’t hesitate to
call or come see us.”

“You’re
the best, Nancy. Thank Bob, too, please.” Then he ended the call.

Aware
of Jake still in the room, he said aloud, “I need help. I’m going to lose her,
lose everything, if I don’t get help.”

Jake
cleared his throat. “What did Nancy say?”

“That
Linnie asked to talk to them about their son who had PTSD, and committed
suicide, as a result of being in Nam. Who all knows, Jake?”

“All
of us, your mom and dad, and now the Barnes.”

“How?
How much do you know?” he asked, as he sat staring at the carpet.

“A
lot. You’re not sleeping, you’re having nightmares and night terrors, you’re
avoiding things, people, places, and you’re mood is volatile. We know you were
Cobra three, we know about Kyle, we know about Highway 8 in Iraq, and of course
we know you were nearly killed.”

Nate
dropped his head into his hands. “What if I hurt her? I’m terrified of hurting
her.”

Jake
went over to Linnie’s side of the bed and pulled out the little intercom from
the nightstand and showed it to him. “You’ve never once been aggressive towards
her, but just in case, we have a plan in place. I’ve made her promise to call
me no matter how small the situation, and I’ll come. It’s why dad allowed the two
of you to be here unmarried. She told him if he didn’t allow it, the two of you
would need to get a place of your own, and she’d be alone to deal with this,
and that in fact, this was the safest place for the two of you to be, and he
agreed. We won’t let you hurt her.”

“Jake,”
Nate said, with tears in his eyes, “in case I forget, I want to thank you for
being the best friend I’ve ever had.”

“We’ve
all got your back. You just need to get help, and get better. That’s all we
want.”

Jake’s
phone dinged. Pulling it out he looked. “She’s okay. She just sent a text, that
she’s somewhere safe, and has read all our texts. She’s shutting off her phone
to save the battery. She’ll turn it back on tomorrow.”

Falling
back on the bed, he put his hands on his head, “Thank God. Can I see it? I need
to see it.”

Handing
him the phone, Nate read the text. He felt shaky and weak. He just wanted to hold
her and kiss her, apologize, beg, plead for her forgiveness. Then Nancy’s words
came to him…

 
…Think
about who you’re hurting, and what stands to be lost if you don’t deal with
things…

He
would get help, he absolutely would. He’d do anything for her. She deserved
nothing less than the best, which meant he had some work to do to get himself
straightened out. “Where do I start, Jake?”

“Start
by coming clean with Linnie. Trust her enough to tell her what’s going on, and tell
her how you're feeling. She’s prepared to help you with the rest.”

“Man,
I really hope for your sake, that when you find Miss Right, you never have to
go through what I’m going through now. I think I’ve aged ten years in two
weeks.”

Grabbing
his phone, Jake said, “Hang in there, it’ll work out. You just need to think before
you speak, is all I’m going to say. Let’s go eat, but be forewarned, Nik’s
cooking, so it’ll be bad.”

Later
that night, Nate went to the closet and pulled out the pillows, and their
special blanket, putting it all on the bed. Getting in, he covered himself and
sent Linnie a text.
Goodnight Love, I’m sorry and I miss you. XOXO
Nate
.
Then he took her pillow and hugged it.
Closing his eyes, he prayed, and asked God to give him the words to say what
needed to be said.

**********

Listening
for the phone to ring, and the conversation to end, Linnie waited to reveal herself.
She’d just sent a text to Jake, and knew there’d be phone calls all around,
letting everyone know she’d made contact and was okay. Once she heard the call
end, she got up and slipped out of Nate’s room, then went down the hall to the
kitchen. Bev and Steven were sitting at the dining table talking.

“Linnie!
Oh my gosh! Sweetie, are you okay?” Bev jumped up from her chair, came across
the room, threw her arms around Linnie, and held her tight.

Nodding,
she hugged Bev back. “I needed time to think. I’m sorry I let myself in without
permission. I didn’t know where else to go.”

“This
is your home too,” Steven said. “You can come here any time.”

She
nodded. “Thank you.”

“Sweetie,
everyone’s been worried,” Bev said. “I’m glad you contacted Jake to let him
know you’re fine.”

“I
know, and I’m sorry. When I left the bar last night, I ran into Nancy and Bob.
We talked all night, and then I came here. I wasn’t ready to talk to Nate. I
was exhausted from being up all night, and still angry with him for what he’d
said, and decided it best I not go home yet. So, it was here, or the Luck Inn.
I came here. I waited and listened for them to call and tell you I was alright
before coming out, so you wouldn’t have to lie, and act like you didn’t know
where I was. Please don’t call Nate. I plan to talk with him tomorrow.”

“Are
you hungry?” Bev asked concerned. “Did you eat while here today?”

She
shook her head. “I spent most of the day thinking, and then I slept a little.”

“Sit,
come eat.” Bev shooed her to the table, while getting another plate. “Let’s
talk. We’ll let tomorrow take care of itself.”

Later
that night, Linnie turned on her phone. She knew there’d be a text from Nate.
She really needed to figure out a way to talk to him about his PTSD, and then get
him to agree to get help. Sure enough, there was a text from him, opening it up
and reading it, her heart squeezed.
I
miss you too, honey. We’ll straighten this all out tomorrow
.

**********

The
next day dawned bright and was Veteran’s Day. Linnie’d gotten up early and had
a light breakfast with Bev and Steven, while she waited for her clothes to wash
and dry. Getting ready, she mentally prepared for when she’d see Nate. She felt
like this was it. They either get on the same page, and get help, or they
weren’t going to make it. He was affectionate, but he was no better at talking
about his feelings than she was. Bev and Steven had left early for the school, to
help set up for the Veteran’s program later that morning.

She
was putting on her shoes when her phone dinged. Picking it up, she saw it was a
text from Jake. Nate was outside the school, but couldn’t bring himself to go
in. He was walking north on 7
^th
Street. Great, because in a few
minutes, she’d be walking south on 7th. She’d wondered if he’d be able to
attend the program or not, and apparently he was having some trouble. Grabbing
her stuff, she headed out the door. Her phone dinged again. Looking at it, it
said, Gazebo. Perfect, only one block and she’d be there.

Nate
couldn’t go in, there was no way. Things were still too fresh, raw, and he felt
anything but a hero. There’d be people there who’d want to thank him for his
service, pat him on the back, look up to him, and although he loved his
country, he needed to reconcile his past before he could accept any kind of
gratitude. Going in there would make him think of those he’d fought beside, and
those who didn’t make it home.

Looking
around, he started walking. Jake was with him, and he knew Jake was a little
worried. He needed to think some, get over his panic. Heading north on Seventh,
he walked and walked. Seeing the gazebo, he headed that direction. Stepping in
it, he leaned over the railing and stared down Park Avenue, remembering the
young boy who used to ride his bike along it, not a worry or care in the world.

“Son,
you doing alright?” his father asked, standing off to the side.

Lost
in his thoughts, Nate hadn’t heard him arrive. Looking over a shoulder, he saw
they were all there, Linnie’s dad and brothers, his parents. Unable to speak,
he simply nodded his head in response. Knowing they were all waiting for him,
wanting to help, but not sure how, he stood and turned. There she was, walking
towards him looking as beautiful as ever, and he drank in the sight of her.
Following the curve of the wall as she walked to the entrance of the gazebo, he
went to step down the stairs, when she held out her hand, stopping him.

Looking
down at her, he spoke first. “I’m sorry. I never should’ve said what I did.
 
I didn’t mean it. I want you to be a nurse,
and I want you to be happy, and I do trust you. I… I’m struggling, I’m having
trouble since coming back, and I… I need help. I thought I could deal with it
on my own, I was so glad to be done with the Army, and I didn’t want to have
anything more to do with it, so I’ve been avoiding it, and it’s making
everything worse.

Linnie,
I don’t just want us married, I need us married. Because the uncertainty of the
situation makes my anxiety worse, which in turn makes everything else worse. I
love you, and I need you in my life, now and forever. Being with you, loving
you, making a life with you, is one of the few good things that hasn’t been
taken from me. I lost a part of myself over there.

I’ve
done terrible things, terrible, horrible, awful things that I’m not proud of,
and I can’t get a lot of it out of my head. Today is a bad day, because I feel
guilty for surviving, when many of my brothers in the field didn’t, and because
I made it out, while many are still there.”

Taking
her hand from his chest, he kissed it. “Please forgive me. Help me to be a
better man, and please marry me, because I love you so very much.”

After
looking at those around them, she answered, “You say you’ve done terrible
things.”

“I’ve
killed people, Linnie. I have blood on my hands.”

Looking
up at him with compassion, she said, “I know, and I can accept that. The
question is, can you? Can you forgive yourself for what you’ve done? Because
forgiveness is yours, all you need to do is ask. Nate, you did what you did
because you were forced to, and when they dropped you in that hostile environment,
it was no longer a war, it was personal, a matter as simple as survival. Had
you been trained with words as your weapon, you would’ve used them, but you
weren’t, and you did what you did because you wanted to survive. You say you’re
struggling, and need help. Promise me you’ll get the help you need, and that
you’ll stay with it.”

“I
promise. I will do what it takes to make things better.”

“I’ll
help you, but I need you to talk to me and tell me what’s going on in your
head.”

He
shook his head and said, “Terrible things. Horrible images, overwhelming panic,
and sheer terror. It’s too much for people who haven’t been there to
understand. It’s just too much information—”

She
cut him off. “Nate, look at me. I’m a nurse, a trauma nurse at that. I live in
the land of too much information. I’ve cared for people whose arms have been
pulled from their bodies, whose brain matter is in their hair, whose intestines
I’ve had to pick up, whose bones are protruding from their skin. I’ve cared for
those who’ve been shot up, and I’ve cared for those who’ve had burns over most
of their body. I’ve been there when they bring in women, children, and yes,
men, who’ve been raped, and I’ve held people as they’ve taken their last or
first breaths of life. I have horrible memories too, and I’ve done things that
I wish I hadn’t been forced to do.”

“The
tree limb you pulled down at the cabin, the cracking sound…I hate that sound, because
it reminds of what it sounds like when a person’s breast bone and ribs break
when we do CPR. Trust me, there’s nothing you could tell me that would shock me,
or overwhelm me. You can tell me anything.”

Listening
to her, hearing what she said, amazed him. He’d known her all their lives, and
yet, every day he found something new to admire about her. “You are so brave.
You are so brave, and strong, and I am so very fortunate to have you in my
life.”

“You
say you need me, Nate. Well, that’s a language I can speak, because it comes
from the heart. The I wants, you wills, and I wont's, don’t. They come from the
brain, and that doesn’t work for me. I’m all about speaking from the heart, and
identifying needs. I need you too, because being with you has helped to mend my
broken heart. I love you, but I’m scared, because every time I make a
commitment of forever, something happens to take it away. I’m afraid of what
will happen if I agree to marry you, and you don’t get the help you need, or
won’t stay with the program. I can’t lose you again, I just can’t.”