Forever Bound (12 page)

He laughed louder this time. “Well, I’m not the best teacher in the world, but I’m glad I got the chance to get to know you.”

“Me too.” Lily nodded and then looked up at my face. “Mommy is too.”

I gave a little, startled gasp at this sentiment, but Declan met my eyes. “I hope she is.”

I felt another wave of panic, that black tidal wave getting a little closer. I cleared my throat. “Lily, what did you do with your picture for Mr. Curtis?”

She pulled a folded piece of construction paper out of her pocket. It was hopelessly wrinkled. “It’s here. But can I go to the bathroom first?”

“Can’t you hold it?” I asked. I suddenly wanted to get out of this room just as soon as possible, before something happened that might crush me.

“I don’t think so. I’m sorry, Mommy.”

“That’s okay. You can use Mr. Curtis’s bathroom. Let me just check to make sure it’s okay.”

I walked into the connecting bathroom, and it looked clean and unused, so I helped her with the light and then closed the door.

I returned to the chair next to the bed, feeling anxious and shaky.

“What’s wrong, Kristin?” Declan asked, reaching out for my hand again.

I let him take it because I loved how it felt, no matter how scared it made me. “What do you mean?”

“You know exactly what I mean.” His voice was soft so Lily couldn’t hear in the bathroom. “What are you so worried about?”

I shook my head and started to give a quick dismissal, but I stopped myself. He deserved the truth, so I needed to tell him. “I don’t know. It’s just that everything feels so different now and…”

He was stroking my hand again, maybe because it was the only part of me he could touch. “Everything is different. We can’t pretend this is just a fling.”

The sound of his low, husky voice washed over me, caressing something inside me but at the same time sounding off warning bells.

And the warning bells were too loud to ignore.

I inhaled with a raspy sound. “I know. But I don’t think I can…I don’t know if…”

His brows drew together, and for the first time he looked genuinely worried. “What do you mean? You can’t tell me you don’t feel for me the way I feel for you. We’re in this together.”

“I know.” I turned away. “But today, I was…terrified. If anything happened to you…” The emotions were so strong that I took a minute to compose myself before I continued. “I lost a man once. I can’t live through it again. And, with your job…it’s just too much of a risk.”

I wasn’t even sure I was making sense, but evidently Declan understood me. His whole body froze tensely, and I saw a flash of something pained in his eyes for just a moment. “I can understand how you’d be afraid, but I’m fine. I’m
fine
. And how can you turn your back on something that could be so good, just out of fear?”

I almost choked. I had to clear my throat. “Sometimes fear is the strongest thing. Sometimes it just is. I’m so sorry, but I can’t. I can’t even try. I can’t live through that again. And I can’t do that to Lily.”

I was on the edge of tears, but I held myself together because I heard the toilet flush from the bathroom.

“Wash your hands,” I called out.

“I am.” Lily sounded faintly offended.

I turned back to Declan, and now he looked stiff, closed up, as if he’d put up his walls of protection. “It’s wrong, Kristin. This is the real thing. Between us. Saying no to it is wrong.”

“Maybe. But it’s the only thing I can say.”

Lily came out then, ending the conversation. And I was desperately relieved because getting out of this room was now the most important thing in the room.

I’d hurt Declan. Really bad. I couldn’t stand it.

And I’d hurt myself too.

But the only other option would be to live with that black tidal wave of grief and catastrophe just waiting to strike.

And that would be so much worse.

“Give Mr. Curtis your picture, sweetie, and then we have to go.”

“Already?”

“I’m sorry, but Mr. Curtis needs his rest.”

Declan didn’t say anything, but he watched as Lily carefully unfold the wrinkled paper. She straightened it out before she lay it on his stomach.

He stared down at the childish picture.

“This is our class,” Lily explained, when he didn’t say anything. She was so sweet and earnest I felt my eyes burning. “This is you. And this is Mommy in the doorway. And this is our Christmas tree. And you see on the chalkboard it says, ‘We are glad you are our teacher, Mr. Curtis.”

I saw suppressed emotion shuddering on Declan’s face as he gazed down, and his hand was just slightly shaky as he took the page. “Thank…you,” he managed to say. “It’s perfect.”

Lily’s face relaxed in relief. “I’m glad. It’s the best picture I’ve ever done, and I wanted to give it to you.”

It was too much—I was about to crumple, and I couldn’t stand to look any longer at the emotion reined in on Declan’s face.

“Okay, Lily. That was really sweet to give it to him. Now let’s let Mr. Curtis rest.”

“Can I see him tomorrow?”

There was no way in hell I was going to take her for another visit. I was going to have to do a lot of explaining.

But it couldn’t be now. Not when the whole world was hurting so much.

“We’ll see. Say goodbye.”

Lily grabbed Declan’s hand and shook it, evidently thinking this was the most appropriate gesture of farewell at her disposal. Then I took her hand as we walked for the door.

I glanced back at Declan one last time over my shoulder. He was watching me go.

“I’m sorry,” I mouthed, as if that would help at all.

And that was it. Lily and I walked out the door.

Declan

I never knew that something could hurt so damn much. Not my injuries from the accident—those were fairly minor—but watching Kristin and Lily walk out the door.

And not come back.

A week later and it was still with me. And it still hurt.

I was released from the hospital the next day. I went to the school and met with Chuck first thing. Another substitute—a real one—was brought in to take over my class. I know it sounds crazy, but I was kind of upset about that. Those kids had really gotten to me, and I hated the fact that someone else was in there, someone else was going to make sure they learned all of their lines for the Christmas pageant.

Christ, I was losing it.

He assured me that I hadn’t done any permanent damage to the kids and that they’d easily catch up on anything that I might have missed—or skipped—curriculum-wise. That did little to make me feel better. I already knew that Jessileigh wasn’t in class that day so there was no real reason for me to be there. Her father had kept her home due to the events of the previous day. Smart man.

I wanted to go down the hall and tell the kids goodbye. I wanted to thank them all for being patient with me and for being really good even when I didn’t know what the hell I was doing. And I wanted to see Lily.

After that I wanted to head further down the hall to see Kristin.

In the end, I didn’t do either of those things. I shook Chuck’s hand and thanked him for his help and left.

“Oh, Mr. Curtis,” Rose said as I was walking out of the office. “Are you okay? That was so brave what you did yesterday! We all just couldn’t believe it!”

She was talking a mile a minute, and she looked flustered, but I also knew that she was genuinely concerned and that made me smile. “I’m fine, Rose. Thanks.”

“Should you even be out of the hospital so soon?”

I nodded. “Just a couple of broken ribs and a concussion. I’ve had them both before so I know to be careful.”

She stood there in front of me, her hands grasped and smiled. “Will you be coming back to teach?”

Shit. Chuck hadn’t ratted me out to anyone so no one knew that I wasn’t really a teacher. I shook my head. “No. No, I won’t be back.” And damn if that didn’t choke me up. Before I did something embarrassing—like cry—I leaned in and kissed Rose on the cheek. “Take care of yourself,” I said. And walked out.

Out in the hallway, I stopped. It was literally like I was at a crossroad. If I turned to the left, I was heading down to the classrooms—toward Lily. And Kristin. If I turned around, I could go back into the office and ask Chuck about staying on until Christmas break. But if I turned right, I’d be outside. Away from the school. Away from the kids.

Away from Kristin.

The metal door slammed behind me as I stepped out into the sunlight. But it didn’t warm me. I felt cold. Empty.

This is the way it had to be.

***

“I bet you’re glad to be out of there,” Sebastian said that night at dinner. The guys had all converged on me to make sure I was doing all right—healing and whatnot—and to close out the case. “I would’ve paid good money to see you teaching a room full of six-year olds!”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah. Laugh it up. It was a riot,” I said dryly.

“Oh, come on. Don’t be like that,” Cole said with a grin. “You know you were out of your element there. There’s no shame in admitting that you’re glad to be done with it.”

But the bitch of it was that I wasn’t. I wasn’t glad. Sure, I was glad that Jessileigh was safe, but I still missed the kids. More than I ever thought I would. Me. The guy who pretty much never wanted to be anywhere near a person under the age of twenty-one, and I was missing a group of first graders. It was crazy!

“So I spoke to Mr. Vanderhall, and he said that you took care of having a case against his ex-wife. You were crucial to them being able to press charges,” Levi said, bringing things back to business.

I nodded. “I was able to identify her and the car. It wasn’t a big deal.”

“Hey,” Levi said, “to them, it was a big deal. If you hadn’t been there, that little girl would have been kidnapped or, even worse, badly hurt. You did good, Dec.”

I didn’t feel good. And again, not just physically. I knew that I saved Jessileigh. I knew that I got her out of harm’s way, but to what end? She was most likely never going to forget that moment—the moment her mother tried to run us over or when I essentially threw her out of the way. Thank God Kristin had been standing right there, otherwise
I
could have been the one to hurt Jess.

Just the thought of that made my stomach clench.

I know that I made fun of this case from the beginning, I bitched about it from the get-go and said that it was a bullshit assignment, but the truth was, it had fucked with my head almost as much as being back in Afghanistan.

“You okay?” Levi asked.

I shook my head. These guys were my best friends, my brothers, if I couldn’t talk to them, I was screwed. “No. I’m not. I’m so fucking not.”

“What’s going on?” Sebastian asked.

Where did I even begin? “I got attached,” I said. “I don’t even know how or when or even why it happened, but I got attached to those kids. I never thought it was even possible and yet…”

“There’s nothing wrong with that,” Levi said. “That just shows that you’re actually human. If you had been able to just walk away from all of them without any emotion, I’d have to question whether or not you actually have a heart.” He took a pull from his beer. “Hell, I think that it’s not that hard to get attached when you’re on a case. I mean, it’s happened to all of us.”

“That’s different,” I said.

“How? How is it any different?” Levi asked.

“You fell in love with Harper,” I snapped. “And you!” I pointed at Sebastian. “You fell in love with Ali. It’s completely different.”

“And you fell in love with those kids,” Levi said simply and then shrugged. “It’s not a bad thing, Dec.”

“That’s not all he fell in love with,” Cole muttered and leaned back in his chair.

I glared at him, hoping to intimidate him, but all he did was glare back.

“What? Am I fucking wrong? It’s not just the kids, man. It’s the kids, and Kristin and
her
kid. Just admit it.”

“Don’t we have business to discuss?” I asked, changing the subject. “What’s the next case?  Please tell me that it’s something a little edgier than learning the words to Christmas songs.” Levi and Sebastian exchanged glances and I had an idea that something was up.

“Actually…that’s something we need to discuss,” Levi began. “We’ve had a lot of great clients, and the business is definitely growing. Honestly, I cannot even believe how many potential clients we have.  I can realistically see us having to hire more guys by the end of the year.”

“So that’s a good thing, right?” Cole asked.

Levi nodded. “Definitely. The thing is, we’ve had some tame cases and some not-so-tame cases. We’ve each faced danger on at least one job, and while we can argue that it all goes with the territory, I for one feel like I have too much to lose to keep taking those kinds of risks.”

Sebastian spoke up. “Levi and Harper are going to have a baby. He’s going to want to be based closer to home and not be traveling quite so much. Ali and I are getting married and we want to have kids right away, and I know that I feel the same way. I’m not willing to be away from her for too long.”

“So you’re both a couple of pussies. How is that my problem?” Cole asked, sounding annoyed.

“Shut the fuck up,” Levi snapped. “I’m thinking that maybe we cut back on the amount of…dangerous jobs we take.”

“What difference will that make?” Cole chimed in again. “This job that Declan just finished was supposed to be a no brainer and he still got hurt. Shit can happen anywhere, at any time. You can’t know in advance exactly what’s going to happen.”

“While that’s true,” Sebastian said, “I think we just need to be a little more…choosy…about the jobs that we take.”

That all sounded fine and well to me. Maybe I’d actually get a say in future assignments and not draw the short straw and get something like Jess’s case ever again.  If anyone would have told me that protecting a six year old at school was going to get me banged up, I would have laughed in their face. Ha. The joke is obviously on me.

“Declan? What do you think?” Levi asked.

I shrugged. “Yeah. That’s fine. Whatever.”

Levi sighed. “Okay, fine. Don’t have an opinion. That clears the way for us to talk about you and Kristin. What happened?”

I shrugged again. “She’s scared. She lost her husband, her world got turned upside down. She doesn’t want to go there again. Seeing me get hit by the car freaked her out. I know it wasn’t easy, and she says that she doesn’t want to put Lily through that, and I can respect that.”

“So then this new solution with the business should work in your favor,” Sebastian said. “You should be a little more excited about it.”

“I don’t know,” I said miserably. “I don’t know if it’s too late. The damage may have already been done.”

“Only one way to find out,” Levi said right before he waved the waitress over to bring us another round of drinks.

***

I was a glutton for punishment.

I wonder if there was a group for that. Something like AA where you go and sit around with other people as twisted as you are. “Hello, my name is Declan Curtis, and I am a glutton for punishment.”

Shit.

It was a Saturday, and I was supposed to be moving out of the extended stay hotel and heading back to my place in D.C., but where am I? Standing in a park behind a tree watching Kristin push Lily on a swing. I was no better than a fucking stalker, and I didn’t even care.

I was going to extend my stay at the hotel. I couldn’t just leave until I at least talked to Kristin and tried to see if she was open to giving me a chance. A second chance. Hell, a third, fourth or fucking fifth chance. I knew I’m pushing my luck, but I didn’t want to just walk away. This was supposed to just be a fling—I’m good at those. But this? This was so much more, and it scared the shit out of me, and yet it was even scarier to think of it totally being over.

How fucked up is that?

I stepped out from behind the tree to get a better look at them, and Lily instantly spotted me.

“Mommy! Mommy! Look! It’s Mr. Curtis and he’s still alive!”

I almost choked when I heard that, but before I knew it, Lily was hurling herself into my arms and hugging me. I dropped to my knees and held on for dear life.

“Mr. Curtis! Are you all better now? Is your head okay? Do your ribs hurt? Are you coming back to school?” She was firing questions at me a million miles a second, and it was the absolute greatest thing I’d heard in over a week.

I pulled back and looked down at her smiling face and felt my heart just kick. “Yes, I’m getting better. My head is fine, my ribs still hurt, but unfortunately, I won’t be coming back to the school. I hear you’ve got a really great teacher now.”

She nodded. “Mrs. O’Brien is really nice, and she always starts the day with math. I got a one hundred and a star on my math test!”

“Good for you!”

She beamed up at me. “I got to have ice cream for dessert that night. Mommy said it was my reward.”

“That’s because she’s the best, right?” Even as I said the words, I looked to where Kristin was standing—still too far away. I lifted Lily up and walked across the park, toward Kristin, and it didn’t take long to see the wariness in her eyes. “Hey.”

“Hi.”

I put Lily down and Kristin immediately pulled her close. As if she were trying to protect her from me. “How are you?”

“Fine,” she said quietly.

“That’s good,” I said and smiled. It felt good just to look at her.

We were silent for a long time and Kristin was the one to finally break it. “Um…we need to go. It’s…it’s getting late, and we have homework to do.” She looked at me sadly. “Take care of yourself.”

“Kristin, wait,” I said, reaching out and placing my hand on her arm. “Can I…can I see you again?”

She didn’t even think about it. She immediately shook her head no. “I’m sorry. We need to go.”

And then they were gone.

***

Glutton for punishment. Take two.

Chuck called me and let me know that the kids had prepared a thank-you gift for me. I asked him if he could just mail it, but he said no. It was important for the kids to be able to say goodbye—especially after everything they heard about my saving Jessileigh.

So now here I was, walking into the school and being forced to be so close to Kristin and Lily and not being able to do a damn thing about it.

“Hi, Mr. Curtis,” Rose said, as I walked into the office.

I nodded and didn’t get to say a word because Chuck walked out at that moment. “Come on, Declan. I’ll walk down to the class with you. I know you’re anxious to get in and out as quickly as possible.”

That was both true and false, but I chose not to mention it. We walked silently down to the class, and Chuck knocked on the door before we walked in. Sandra O’Brien smiled at us and immediately called the kids to come and sit in a circle. She had a chair sitting at the top of the circle for me to sit in and I almost turned and ran out.