Forever & an Engine (15 page)

‘Stop it,
you know you have some hypnotic control over people with those big pleading
eyes, that’s not fair. I’ll think about it ok?’

‘
Please
Lexi,
the pregnancy isn’t an issue so what’s holding you back.’ I wasn’t going to let
this go, I just had a feeling Doug was perfect for her and I wanted her to be
as happy as I was. She deserved to be loved and taken care of as well.

‘He’s
Gabe’s best friend. What if I can’t hack a relationship and it gets ugly?’ she
asked as she lowered her hand and bit her lip.

‘Then it gets
ugly, that’s what happens sometimes, but it would be nice if you could try and
end it nicely and stay friends if it did come to that. Please don’t worry about
it affecting my relationship with Gabe, I’m perfectly capable of screwing that
up all on my own. Please go out with Doug Lex.’

‘I promise
to think about it ok?’

‘Fine,’ I
sighed. ‘Have you had your results or appointment yet?’

‘Before you
whinge at me I checked the box when I got back Saturday ok and nothing.’

‘Well hopefully
you’ll have your appointment soon and it will be all done and dusted.’

‘Yeah,
guess so,’ she sighed. I looked at her, I knew her well enough to detect
something was wrong.

‘What is
it?’

‘Nothing,’
she shrugged.

‘You told
me it would be a shitty friendship if you had to lie to me Lexi, don’t start
now.’

‘I’m having
second thoughts about the termination,’ she said quietly, her eyes down.

‘You are?’

‘I don’t
know Mia. One minute I’m convinced it’s the right thing to do, the next I can’t
believe I’m even thinking about it, I mean it’s got fingers and toes and eyes
and ears, I’m just not sure I can do it.’

‘O Lex.’ I
shuffled up next to her on the bed and put my arm around her. ‘You’ve been
reading up on the different stages?’

‘Yeah and I
wish I hadn’t, I mean if I didn’t know it looked like a baby at this stage I
probably wouldn’t be bothered, but … ’ she let out a deep sigh and covered her
face with her hands.

‘Let’s skip
History, we can just sit and talk it out.’

‘No.’ She
dropped her hands and shook her head firmly as she looked at me. ‘You need to
get sorted for tomorrow. Let’s just take one crisis at a time as it’s all I can
manage. You’re having your op tomorrow and we’ll be together at Gabe’s house,
we can find some time to talk about me and my problems then ok?’

‘You’re not
just saying that as a means of avoiding us talking at all are you?’

‘No of
course not. I want to talk to you about it Mia, honestly I do. You’re the only
one who can help me decide what to do, but there’s no pressing deadline on my
problems and there is on yours, you’re having surgery tomorrow so I want to
focus on you for the next few days ok?’

‘Ok,’ I
sighed. ‘But I’m still here for you surgery or not, you know that right?’

‘You’re
always there for me Mia, that’s why I want to forget about me and just look
after you until you’re back on your feet. Right we’d better get your stuff
together for today and we can get you packed up tonight. How are you feeling?
Any nerves?’

‘Weirdly
not about the op no,’ I sighed as she brought me back to the here and now, the
bliss of my weekend of fun and denial was well and truly over. She knew me as
well as I did her and instantly picked up on my unease.

‘What else
are you nervous about?’

‘It’s Gabe,
he was asking me if I could be infertile. He was really upset when I said I
wasn’t interested in having kids, he tried to hide it, but I saw his face. He’s
already thinking about the future Lexi, saying he sees us married with a
family. You know how I feel, I’ve never wanted kids. And marriage? Jesus it’s
my worst nightmare.’

‘So how’d
you leave it?’

‘I made it
clear that I wasn’t into it, but he wants me to keep an open mind and not make
any rash decisions when I get my results.’

‘Well he’s
right Mia. You were determined you weren’t having sex just a couple of weeks
ago and look at you now, a raging bloody nymhpo. With the right guy and the
right about of time, I reckon you could change your mind on just about anything.’

‘Could say
that about you Lex with a relationship.’

She slapped
my arm. ‘Hey, stop side tracking, we’re focussing on you for now remember? All
I’m saying is if you do have fertility problems listen to your options in case
you do change your mind.’

‘I really
don’t see it happening Lex.’

‘Maybe not,
but at least you’ve got all the options in the world open to you and then it’s
your decision which one you take, no kids or kids. Fuck it’s crazy that we’re
both dealing with baby issues at the same time.’

‘Isn’t it?
I never saw that coming when we were imagining our new lives up here.’

‘Mia we
really need to go,’ I heard Gabe shout. I smiled at her and gave her a big hug
and she returned it before we went to the lounge to gather our books.

Gabe
dropped us off around the corner from the main entrance and helped us both out
of the car and Lexi moved a few feet away, turning her back to give us some
privacy, which made me smile.

‘Thanks
again, I really had the
best
weekend,’ I whispered as I held his face
and looked into the deep lagoons of his brilliant blue eyes. They were
sparkling with happiness and I loved that I’d played a part in making them like
that.

‘Best ever,’
he whispered as he kissed me tenderly and pulled me to him for a tight embrace.
‘I’ll come and meet you when you get out of History.’

‘It’s ok, I’ll
see you in English after lunch anyway.’

‘I know, I
just want to spend as much time as possible with you before tomorrow.’

‘Softie,’ I
teased. We clung to each other, my face pressed into his chest, him nuzzling my
hair. ‘Shit, I’m sorry Gabe, but I really need to go.’ He reluctantly released
me from his embrace and I reached up pressing my fingers to his lips. ‘I love
you, see you later.’ I ran to Lexi and dragged her away before I had a chance
to change my mind and skip my class to spend another few hours in his arms. We
just made it in time and I silenced my phone to try and focus. I went and
discussed the pending absence with Mr Taylor and he agreed to have his TA make
me copies of the notes for all of the lessons I’d miss. We were let out a bit
before 1 p.m. and everyone started filing out and I leaned on the wall in the corridor
waiting for Gabe, while Lexi went to grab a coffee.

‘Mia?’ I
looked up. O crap it was Julie. ‘Do you have a minute?’ she asked.

‘Ermmm
sure, I’m meeting someone though so …’

‘Gabe?’ she
interrupted.

‘Yes.’ I
figured there was no point lying to her, she’d already seen us together and bad
as I felt for her, she needed to be clear that Gabe had moved on. She looked directly
at me and I could tell she was trying to see what I had, that she didn’t. That
hurt, the thought that I could ever be standing in her shoes looking at my
replacement was just awful and I sighed and decided to try and be gentle, but still
firm with her. ‘What can I do for you Julie?’ I asked softly.

‘I just
need to know … shit this is harder than I thought it would be,’ she shuffled on
her feet and looked down at the floor. ‘Were you with him while we were
together?’

‘No, I
promise you no, I could never do that to another woman.’

‘It’s just …
I saw his face as he watched you at that bar on his birthday. It was instant
for him, I could just tell, he never looked at me like that. He was different
and distracted from that night.’

‘Julie I
don’t recall seeing him in the bar, I was with some friends and had too much to
drink. We didn’t actually meet until first day of lectures when I fainted and
nothing happened between us until the Friday, when he told me it was over with
you.’

‘Really?’
she asked, seeming surprised and relieved at the same time.

‘Yes I
promise, I’d never go out with a guy who was already taken, I’d hate someone
doing that to me. Listen I’m really sorry that it didn’t work out for you both.’

‘It’s not
your fault Mia. I knew, deep down, I knew that I was just someone to pass the
time with and fuck, I just really hoped I’d grow on him,’ she said with a sad
smile. I shuddered, the thought of him touching someone else, sleeping with
someone else was too painful. I knew exactly what she was feeling, as I suddenly
felt sick to my core. ‘He never spent the night with me, we hardly ever went
out on a date, I knew so little about him, he never talked about anything but
his swimming and running. I never even got invited to his house. We were
together
nine
months and you … you …’ she faltered.

‘Julie I
don’t know what to say, but he told me that he really cared for you and didn’t
want to hurt you.’

‘But I wasn’t
the one was I? You are,’ she smiled at me ruefully.

‘I don’t
know that Julie, it’s only been a couple of weeks. No one can know that.’

‘I do. I’ve
been close to him Mia, but felt thousands of miles away from him at the same
time. I’ve seen the way he looks at you though …’ she shook her head. ‘He’s
right there with you Mia, it’s like nothing else, or no one else matters. He
told me that he’s in love with you as well. 9 months with me, 9 months … and
after a couple of weeks with you it’s
love
?’ she shook her head again, as
I tried to work out what she was expecting to get out of this conversation. ‘Do
you feel the same about him?’ she whispered after a long silence.

‘
Julie
,’
I sighed, how was this going to help?

‘Please, I
need to know,’ she pleaded as she looked at me with watery eyes.

‘Yes,’ I
whispered after a considered pause. What was the point lying to her, I wanted
her to understand that we were serious about each other in case she had any
ideas of trying to get him back.

‘Then don’t
let him go. You never want to feel how I’m feeling Mia, there are no words for
how I’m feeling right now.’ She wiped some tears away from her face and I
noticed the dark circles under her eyes that she’d tried to conceal with makeup.
She was obviously in still in love with him, trying desperately to let go. I
felt compelled to go and hug her tightly, surprising even myself.

‘Thank you,’
I whispered. ‘I’m really sorry it didn’t work out for you, but thank you for
being so understanding.’ As she hugged me back I heard her sob, which made me
wince. Over her shoulder I saw Gabe approaching, he had a puzzled look on his
face and when he realised who I was holding I saw him frown, so I quickly let
her go. ‘Gabe’s coming,’ I warned.

‘Shit I’d
better go. I’m sorry, I just had to know if you felt the same way about him. Weirdly
I feel a bit better knowing you do, like he didn’t leave me for nothing or just
a fling, you know?’ She attempted a smile, then ran in the opposite direction
as I turned to face him striding quickly up the corridor.

‘What the
bloody hell was that?’ he snapped. I was surprised to find that I couldn’t look
at him directly, I was getting images of him with her.

‘We just
talked things out. Everything’s fine,’ I kept my head down and looked at my
fingers, fiddling with my stack rings on my right hand.

‘Talked
what things out? Was she harassing you? I’ll tell her to back off.’

‘Gabe no it’s
fine. She just wanted to know if you cheated on her with me.’

‘O for
fucks sake,’ he muttered. ‘I told her I didn’t.’

‘I reassured
her that we got together after you ended it with her.’ An image of his perfect lips
on her nipples flashed in front of me, making me shudder.

‘What else
did she say?’

‘She said she
knew that you never loved her, but could see that you loved me. She asked if I
felt the same about you.’

 And what
did you tell her?’ His voice had softened.

‘I said yes,’
I mumbled as I saw his face between her legs and squeezed my eyes shut.

‘Do you
think that made her feel better?’

‘She said
it did. Knowing you didn’t cheat on her, or break up with her for just a fling.’
I dragged one of my trainers one back and forth across the floor, desperately
trying to get rid of the images shooting through my mind.

‘Mia why
won’t you look at me?’

‘No reason,’
I shrugged.

‘Mia?’

‘I just
can’t for a minute Gabe.’ I shook my head to try clear my mind of these
visuals. The thought of him having one night stands, with women I didn’t know,
I could just about cope with, but Julie was real and present, she wasn’t just a
fling or one night stand, he’d been with her for nine months,
nine months
.
Nine whole months of regular sex. It really hurt to think he’d done it all with
her, it was like nothing he’d done with me was sacred. I wondered what things
he’d done with her that we hadn’t yet and that only made me feel worse.