For the Love of Alex (7 page)

“What did you want to talk about?” she asked as she focused on her hands folded in her lap. Her small diamond engagement ring shining brightly. An engagement ring that she accepted gladly two years ago. A promise of the future she hoped to have with Alex. But now, that future looked dim and the prospect of marriage which once filled her with joy now frightened her.

“Your article,” Marcus responded, grabbing Leah’s wandering attention.

She waited for him to say more, but he just sat there in silence for what felt like several minutes. “It’s not what I expected. It’s not what I asked you to write.”

That was certainly true, but his words made her defensive, which was dangerous in a situation like this. She couldn’t ignore this, but she couldn’t overreact either.

She finally faced him, and there was no temptation to laugh. She was holding back too much pent-up frustration. She knew she should wait for him to continue, but she also knew whatever he said next would not be something she would want to hear. She opted for a preemptive strike and cut him off before he could say more.

“It may not be what you expected, but it’s the kind of story you need to publish. It’s the kind of story that matters. Do you really want me to write another story about fashion and reality TV and all these superficial things teens care about, or would you rather publish stories about things that can make a difference? Real-life issues are what we need to address.”

Marcus removed his glasses and placed them on his desk. He sat back in his chair and watched the young ingénue closely—too closely. “You’ve been on the job for a week and you practically just graduated from college. I’ve only been at this paper for six years and I have been a journalist for nearly ten, but you seem to know better than I about what stories we need to publish. Enlighten me, Leah. What makes you so omniscient? What makes you the expert?”

He was annoyed. Leah had to fix this, but she wasn’t quite sure how. Her nerves were on edge and everything came out wrong. She didn’t intend to sound so preachy and sanctimonious. Marcus had every right to fire her on the spot. First she disobeyed him by ignoring his story instructions and then, instead of being contrite, she had the audacity to be self-righteous about it.

How did she screw this up, she wondered? She just hoped he was in a forgiving mood.

“I don’t pretend to be an expert. I am here to learn from experts like you, but I do have things I can contribute as well if you give me a chance. I know as the newbie I should probably just shut up and obey. Normally I do. Look, I apologize if I was out of line. I will write you the story you want this afternoon and have it ready for you in time for tomorrow’s publication. I’m really sorry.”

Leah rose to leave but Marcus’ voice stopped her. “You disappoint me, Leah.”

He stood up and approached her. Leah could barely keep her legs underneath her. Her trepidation grew with each approaching step. She was going to be fired and lose all her professional dreams. Her personal ones were hanging by the thinnest of threads, and now the one thing she looked forward to, her career, was about to go up in flames. All of this because of drugs. One way or the other, drugs were destroying her life.

“I expected more from you,” Marcus continued. “Where’s the fight in you? Why did you back down as soon as I challenged you? If you believe so much in the story you wrote, then why give up on it the moment I pushed you? Either you are not that passionate about it or you’re not brave enough to fight for it. Whichever the answer, it displeases me.”

Leah couldn’t react. This was not how she planned this morning to go, but she was so afraid of losing this job that she let her fear guide this discussion rather than the anger and passion she needed to rouse her strength.

“I do believe in this story and I believe in the
Gazette
. That’s why I want to publish this story as a series of stories on this topic because I know it can make a difference. I don’t think parents have a clue about what their children see and experience. They have no idea of the vast amount of drugs thrust into their children’s faces tempting them to hell. Kids don’t understand the consequences of taking that dip into the drug inferno, but they always end up getting burned and sometimes beyond healing. If we can help a handful of kids and parents then we have made a world of difference. That’s so much better than another gossip column or superficial take on celebrity drama.” Those were the words she was supposed to deliver this morning. If only she’d found her courage to say them ten minutes ago.

Marcus turned away and sat in his desk chair. She just stood there watching him not sure if she should start working on another story or packing up her meager belongings from her desk.

“Now that was better, Leah. Now I remember why I hired you, and I hope you don’t forget again. You should start working on part two of this story. I want to run a weekly blog about this for at least the next month. Let’s see how many hits we get, and if it’s working, we’ll keep it going. If not, you can think of other stories that defy my orders.” He smiled, and the tension finally seeped out of her stiff shoulders.

“Thank you, Marcus.”

“Don’t thank me. Just make sure I don’t regret this decision.”

“You won’t,” Leah promised. Her confidence now restored, she went to her desk and started writing the next segment.

For the next week, Leah was able to find solace in her work. Researching and working on her pieces made the days go by so fast. The nights were still lonely, but they were becoming increasingly bearable. She was starting to feel alive again and work was filling the void in her life.

She missed Alex every day, but what she missed was the Alex that she first fell in love with all those years ago. She didn’t miss the addict or the liar he’d become. For the first time since Alex turned to drugs for comfort, she felt free. Maybe she should feel guilty for thinking this way, but she felt like a weight had been lifted off her overly burdened shoulders and now she could focus on her life and her dreams. She was finally starting to realize that her life was not just about taking care of Alex. She was not just a supporting actress in Alex’s complicated life story. She was the star of her own show, and somehow throughout the years she’d lost herself in his story. For the first time in a long time, her life was all about her. Maybe it was selfish, but being selfish felt really good.

Of course she still wanted Alex to come home healthy and strong again, because then they could start building the life they had always planned. It would no longer have to be a dream. They could get married and he could finish his degree and seek the career he wanted. They could live the life they were meant to live before heroin derailed them. They could have a future. First, they just had to move beyond the past and focus on the present.

Feeling reinvigorated, Leah skipped into the office with a renewed sense of hope. She finished her second piece, focusing on the proliferation of designer drugs. Numerous head-shop retailers had been selling designer drugs, such as bath salts, synthetic marijuana, and the hallucinogenic salvia, and were mislabeling them to hide the true impact of these dangerous toxins. Many young people had died from the use of these easily accessible drugs, not realizing the impact of what they were consuming. Despite government regulations, these drugs remained on the market and continued to decimate communities as victims engaged in dangerous and reckless behavior, often leading to serious harm or death.

Leah knew all too well about these drugs. They were common in college and even more common with Alex’s circle of addicts. Every now and again he would experiment with one of these drugs when he did not have the means to get his favorite, heroin. The effects were just as damaging.

She remembered the night she first discovered Alex had taken salvia. She found him on the roof of their apartment building. They had often gone up there for picnics and dances in the moonlight, but this was no such loving occasion. They had a terrible argument that night. He had accused her of having an affair with her photojournalism professor, which was absurd. He was so irrational, frighteningly so at times, that all she wanted was to be far away from his madness.

That fight left them both so raw and aching. Leah told him she was leaving him and his self-destruction behind. It nearly killed her to say those words, but she had no choice. He was out of control and falling apart. He was going to take her down with him if she let him but she decided that night she was done.

He stormed out of the apartment looking tortured, but she refused to chase after him. She just went to the bedroom and packed a bag. She heard a frantic knock at the door a few minutes later. She assumed it was Alex, so she went to let him in, but it was her neighbor screaming that Alex was on the roof and he looked like he was going to jump. Leah told her to call the police, and then she fled the apartment and headed to the roof. Panicked, she raced up the stairs, nearly exhausting herself from running so fast, but she had to get to him and stop him from doing something that would kill them both.

She found him teetering on the ledge. All it would take was one slight movement and he would fall over the edge. Their building only had six levels, but it was still far enough for him to break his neck. She called out to him, but he yelled at her to leave him alone. “You left me,” he cried. “You broke your promise, just like everyone else in my life. You’re just like all the rest.”

Leah had never felt a fear so bone wrenchingly deep as she did that night. If she didn’t say the right thing, if she couldn’t find the words to reach him, she would lose him forever. He was so perilously close to falling and his mind was so unstable that reasoning with him was virtually impossible.

She slowly approached him, struggling to find the right words. One wrong word and he would jump. She knew he would. Alex had this scary obsession with death. He had threatened suicide before, but he had promised to stay alive for her. And now he might die if she couldn’t find the words to keep him alive. She knew she couldn’t live with that guilt. She cursed him for putting this pressure on her. For forcing her to be his savior or his condemner.

“Alex, please come down from there. “ He stumbled and her heart lurched, but miraculously he found his balance. Leah heard the sirens approaching and she prayed theywould get here in time in case she failed. “I’m not leaving you, Alex, so don’t you leave me. We can fix this. We always do, but if you go now, there’s no hope for us and you will destroy us.”

“I want to fly, Leah. I want to fly away, soaring through the sky like a mighty eagle. I want to spread my wings and see the stars and the moon. I want to be free, Leah. I want to escape the dark clouds and seek the light.” He looked like a child in that moment, with a boyish innocence and curiosity. His tousled blond hair blowing in the wind. His eyes full of hope.

He continued talking about flying, but he wasn’t making much sense. It was like he was in a world of his own, but Leah tried to get him back to reality with her, otherwise he would be lost forever.

She took a few more steps towards him. She was so close that if she reached out she could touch his hand, but she was afraid to make such a gesture. It might startle him in his current confused mental state.

“They ruined me, Leah,” he spoke, no longer seemingly lost in his fantasy of flying. His stricken face shredded her heart. “They messed up my head. I’m not okay anymore. Maybe I never was. I should jump and save you, Leah. If I stay, one day we’ll both fall.”

Leah stretched out her hand, waiting for his. He intertwined their fingers and she felt some relief, but she knew he was still in a dangerous position and this nightmare was far from over.

“I’d rather fall with you, Alex, than to have you leave me behind.” It scared Leah how much she meant those words at that moment. Crazy as they were, they were also very true. She couldn’t imagine life without his love—even as destructive as it was, it was better than emptiness.

“You want to fly with me, my Leah?” he asked, sending a shiver of panic in her. With their hands entwined, he could easily pull her over the ledge with him. Was he so far gone that he would kill them both, she wondered?

 “Love me, Alex. Love me enough to fight through this darkness within you. Love me enough to stay with me. Stay here with me, Alex. Let’s go to our home. That’s where we belong.”

He clutched her hand tighter and then jumped. For a moment, she thought he was going over the roof, pulling her with him, but then she realized he was jumping towards her this time, to the safety of the roof surface. They held each other for a moment, and then the police burst through the roof door along with an EMT.

Alex was taken to the hospital and stayed overnight until a psychiatrist cleared him. They found traces of salvia in his system along with other hallucinogenic drugs. His mind was in such an altered state that the doctors were surprised he didn’t kill himself. They commended Leah for saving him, but their words barely registered in her mind. She sat there trembling, remembering how close they both were to death that night. She couldn’t help but wonder if Alex would have been willing to kill them both that night.

She asked him about that night the next day, but he had no recollection of any of it. He didn’t even remember the fight they had. It was like it never happened in his mind—but, in Leah’s mind, she would forever be scarred from the memories of that night.

As Leah sat in front of her computer staring at her article, she acknowledged ruefully that these painful memories were far from over. They still filled her mind, and she often found herself reliving every detail of those horrid moments and imagining how worse things could have been—how much worse they could still be.

Writing these articles was cathartic for her. It was her therapy. A chance for her to heal herself while helping others. She knew it might seem selfish, but this was saving her. Writing helped her see how much self-healing she needed. She was mentally and physically weary. Too many dark memories haunted her days and nights.