For the Love of Alex (2 page)

This time, there were no excuses, no empty apologies, and no promises to do better. He reached for her hand and held it tightly in his like they did as children. “Don’t leave,” he begged. “I have no right to ask that of you, but I’m asking anyway.”

There was that hopelessness in his voice again. Her instinct was to protect him from it, but she was too emotionally battered to tell him what he wanted to hear. Not after tonight.

“Don’t hurt me,” she responded as she let go of his hand and rolled over onto her side, placing a wall of hurt between them.

No further words were spoken. He eventually went to sleep while Leah watched the clock tick. In three hours, she had to be up. Today was graduation day. This was supposed to be the start of her future, but for some reason, it felt like the end.

II

Leah desperately wanted to stay in bed. She should feel excited about today. She was graduating from New York University. Washington Square Park would soon be filled with graduates and their families celebrating the next steps in their lives. She had wanted this for so long. She worked so hard to reach this point. Despite everything trying to hold her back, she was graduating magna cum laude with a double major in journalism and English. She already had a job lined up at an online paper. It didn’t pay much, but it would be enough to get her career started. It would put her on the path to becoming a full-time writer for
The New York Times.

Everyone warned her that the newspaper world was dying, but she believed there was still a place for old-fashioned newspapers and she wanted to be a part of it. If she were able to achieve some success there, then she could one day realize her other passion and write children’s books. Writing was her escape. It allowed her to deal with all these thoughts and doubts flowing too freely in her head. It was her stress relief. Her freedom from her harsh reality. She found her power through words, and for someone who spent most of her life feeling helpless, writing allowed her to seize her strength.

As much as sleep beckoned her, Leah knew none of her dreams would come true unless she got out of this bed and graduated. She glanced over at Alex, who still slept.

She took a quick shower and pressed her cap and gown. She would look her best today despite the weariness she battled.

Alex was practically unconscious as he slumbered in their bed like he didn’t have a care in the world. No. That wasn’t true. Even in his sleep Leah could see his anxiety. His eyebrows furrowed as if he was fighting some internal battle. She sat down next to him in her graduation gown and gently stroked his hair. Today was supposed to be their graduation day. They were supposed to celebrate this moment together. Like so many plans they had, this one was derailed as well. He had jumped on the train to addiction and left school behind. His dream of being a lawyer went up in flames along with his education.

He dropped out after a year. Leah couldn’t blame him. No point spending so much money on tuition for subpar grades. He had lost his desire for school. He had lost his desire for almost everything except that damnable white powder.

Of course, he forgot today was her graduation even though she had reminded him every day this week. He promised he would be there to cheer her on, but in her heart Leah knew he would let her down again. “That’s the story of us,” Leah whispered as she continued to stroke his hair, easing the tension that tormented him in sleep. “The story of what our promising future has become. Once there was hope and now there’s nothing but disappointment. A lifetime of disappointment.”

Leah kissed his forehead before grabbing her bag and heading for the subway. It was a long ride from Forest Hills to the Village. She needed to hurry before she missed her own graduation.

The E train cooperated for once, so she arrived at Washington Square Park in plenty of time—too much time. She watched with envy as all the happy graduates and their families congregated together, taking pictures and smiling with pride and delight while she sat alone. She knew her parents wouldn’t come. They cut her off when she refused to break up with Alex. They refused to watch her destroy herself for him. She couldn’t blame them, but she still wished they were here today. She wished she didn’t have to always feel so alone.

“Leah!”

Leah turned around and saw her friend Claire bounding towards her with her usual overly energized self. Her short, black, spiky hair sticking out awkwardly under her cap but looking adorable as usual. Claire was one of the few good friends she could rely on for support. She never gave up on Leah even though she often threatened to strangle her for staying trapped in this prison of a relationship with Alex.

“Hey Claire!” The women embraced and finally Leah started to feel the excitement of graduation despite the loneliness of it. At least Claire was here and she didn’t have to be completely alone anymore.

“I can’t believe we are finally doing this.” Claire’s infectious joy was just what Leah needed. “Can you believe, four years gone in a flash and now we have to grow up and be adults. That part sucks. I’m going to miss living off my parents.”

Claire was not shy about taking advantage of her parents’ money, and they were more than willing to lavish it on her. Claire was an only child and they doted on her like she was a princess. Leah had often wondered what it would be like to have parents spoil you with love and devotion. Hers were not bad, but they didn’t know how to love her or show the affection Leah craved. She always felt like an accessory. They had the son they wanted. The boy they could be proud of who would carry on the family legacy. She was a mistake. One they could not refund or exchange for a better model.

Even though Leah was a relatively good child, she always felt invisible. She would do well in school to try and impress her parents, but they never seemed interested. They would politely congratulate her for another good report card, but it was like an obligatory acknowledgement, not a true feeling of pride in their daughter. Her brother Tristan, on the other hand, could get Bs and they would practically throw a party for him; his every action encouraged and supported while Leah was generally ignored.

Even Tristan recognized the differing treatment between the siblings. He would often tell Leah how bad he felt for the way their parents treated them, but she never blamed Tristan for being the child they loved. She accepted that sometimes parents had favorites and, in this family, she drew the short straw.

Whatever affection they felt for her waned when they found out about Alex. For them, that was the last straw. They demanded Leah end her relationship with him. By that time, she was fifteen and so deeply in love with him that there was no way she would agree to end it. Her parents had not realized that she and Alex had been together for years already. They had kept their childhood love a secret. It was safer that way. Leah knew her parents were too judgmental to accept that their daughter was dating the foster kid who constantly got in trouble. Alex was bad news, they warned her—but to Leah, he was her salvation.

She fought with her family for years about her relationship with Alex, and when it was time for college they gave her an ultimatum. She could either end things with him or they would not help her with school. For Leah, there was no choice. She would not abandon Alex.

Fortunately, she won a partial scholarship and between work and loans she could pay the exorbitant tuition. She didn’t need her parents and they clearly didn’t need her. When she left for college, that was the last day she saw them. She and Alex got a small apartment in Queens and they made a home together.

Leah tried to keep in touch with her family, hoping that time would ease some of the tension that ripped them apart. She sent cards for their birthdays and holidays and occasionally called, but the strained calls were too painful. It was clear that they didn’t want to talk to her, and rather than face that constant rejection she kept her distance. Leah stayed in touch with her brother Tristan for a while, but eventually she pushed him away as well. Her family had let her down and it was easier to just stay away than try to force affection when it wasn’t there and never would be.

When it came time for graduation, Leah decided to make one last attempt to connect with them. She invited them to the ceremony. She wanted them to see that she had made it. Despite the odds, despite them, she succeeded. It was no surprise that in this sea of purple graduates and doting parents, hers were nowhere in sight.

Leah was so lost in her thoughts she barely heard a word Claire said. She wanted to feel Claire’s enthusiasm, but the reality of her life prevented her from finding the happiness she wanted to feel. She would just have to fake it the way she usually did to deflect attention from prying eyes who wanted to know the truth behind her solemn existence.

“What’s wrong, Leah?” Claire knew her too well. There was no hiding her feelings from her best friend. “Where’s Alex?” she asked, her voice oozing with undisguised displeasure. Claire never hid her feelings. She expressed often how much she resented Alex’s addiction. She didn’t hate the man, but certainly hated his disease. Leah shared that feeling.

Leah sighed, not wanting to discuss Alex. It would be another pointless conversation that would inevitably lead to a heated argument. She would have to say something to get Claire off her back. “Alex is home,” she responded simply, hoping that would end this line of questioning. No such luck with Claire.

“Shouldn’t he be here supporting you the way you always support him?”

Claire should be the journalist, Leah mused, or at least a lawyer with those leading questions.

“He’s resting.”

Claire shook her head in disgust. “He’s high, you mean.”

“Actually, he was asleep when I left.” Leah really wanted to change the subject. “What are you plans for after graduation?”

The change of subject seemed to work, at least for the moment. “My parents are taking me out to lunch to celebrate. You should come with us.”

Leah was torn. Part of her wanted to celebrate with Claire and her family, but another part of her didn’t want to face the kind, but pitying looks of Claire’s family when they realized her pathetic friend was alone and had no one to celebrate with on this special day. She would rather sulk at home and feel sorry for herself than to be the object of pity.

Leah would try to get an extra shift at the restaurant this evening. She could always use the money. Even though she was starting a new job on Monday, she planned to keep her evening job waiting tables. Money was the main reason, but it was also easier just not being home.

“Thanks, but I have plans,” Leah explained.

Claire made no attempt to hide her dubious expression. “What kind of plans?”

“The private kind,” Leah responded. Claire huffed in frustration, but she let the subject go. Besides, it was time to start the graduation.

Graduation felt like the longest three hours of Leah’s life, but at least it culminated with her receiving her diploma. She was officially a graduate with a Bachelor of Arts degree from New York University. She felt great and yet rather lonely as she got back on the E train and sat there holding that piece of paper in her hands while she still wore her purple gown. A few strangers on the train congratulated her and, to her surprise, she smiled. It was nice to be acknowledged. She didn’t want the train ride to end, but before long she was walking up Yellowstone Boulevard and heading back to her apartment not knowing what was waiting for her inside.

Alex was probably still asleep. At least she hoped he was, because the last thing she wanted was a confrontation with him. She just wanted to go home, grab a sandwich, sleep for an hour, and go to work.

Leah stood outside her door debating with herself whether to put the key in or flee to anywhere but here. A moment later, the decision was made for her. The door flung open and Alex stood there watching her with that boyish grin that first warmed her heart. He had cleaned up and was looking like his usual gorgeous self. He hadn’t shaved, so the slight beard made him even sexier as his eyes sparkled in delight as he stared at Leah in her cap and gown.

 He had lost quite a bit of weight thanks to his best friend heroin, but he was still her Adonis. He was beautiful as a kid, but he grew up to be a work of art as a man. She knew one day this beauty would fade due to his chronic drug abuse, but for now she would enjoy just staring at him.

“Congratulations, graduate.” He cupped her cheeks and kissed Leah so tenderly that she nearly cried from his touch. She wanted to be angry with him, but she couldn’t help but return his kiss. She tried to wrap her arms around him, but before she could react, he lofted her into his arms and kicked the door closed. He carried her into their small living room, which was illuminated with candles of Leah’s favorite fragrance jasmine. He placed her gently on the couch and kissed her again before rising.

“I’ve made you a special graduation lunch.”

He left her to go into the kitchen. Leah rested her head on the couch and just inhaled the wonderful aroma of food and the scent from the candles. Her mind was in chaos. The last thing she expected when she came home was a celebration.

Alex returned with two bowls of shrimp fettuccini, Leah’s favorite dish. She sat there stunned, wondering how he had managed to do all this. He was dead to the world when she had left this morning and she thought he had forgotten her graduation, but he remembered. She was so overcome with emotion and weariness, but she would not ruin this moment with tears.

Alex placed the bowls on the coffee table and then turned to Leah. “I’m sorry I didn’t go to the ceremony, but I thought it best if I stayed away.” He thrust his hands in his pockets and shifted from one foot to another. His discomfort was obvious. This was his usual stance when he couldn’t bear to face Leah when he knew she would be upset with him. “I didn’t want to embarrass you in front of your classmates. I’ve done that one time too many. Today was too special for you to have me ruin it. For once I didn’t want to ruin something important to you. I couldn’t take the chance of hurting you again when this meant so much to you.”