For Sure (47 page)

b) Yes, it's a good way to check on the accuracy of my Weight Watchers scale.

c) No, I assume they're selling me regulation balls.

d) No, I find that sort of detail exasperating.

e) I only know measurements in inches and ounces.

“Yer dad 'as some shockin' good ideas, eh?”

Étienne could not, at the same time, nod his head and count squares of toilet paper.

“Hold on, I got muddled. I gotta start again.”

Terry was wondering if the two boys would have the patience to get to the end of the roll. He also wondered why manufacturers of toilet paper sold squares measuring 9.9 centimetres by 10.1 centimetres, for a total surface of 99.99 square centimetres. Wouldn't it be simpler to adopt a standard size of 10 by 10 centimetres? What did the producer gain by this .01 centimetre of difference? Probably a strategy to discourage consumers from undertaking such calculations.

8. How much money do you think the golf industry generates annually in the United States (in US dollars)?

a) 5 billion.

b) 10 billion.

c) More than 15 billion.

d) Why isn't the question about the golf industry in Canada?

e) I'm no good with numbers.

“Do you know the story of the princess who couldn't cry?”

Marianne loves stories. She nods her head and says:

“O.”

“No? Would you like to hear it?”

Marianne shakes her head no and says:

“Essssss.”

I am troubled, confused, perhaps even shocked — just as Ludmilla was surprised to discover the absence of Freud in
La Pléiade
— by the fact that Harper Lee's celebrated novel
To Kill a Mockingbird
is not included in the best American novels of
La Bibliothèque idéale
. Forty years after its publication, I am rereading the book to try to understand the reason for its exclusion.

Another question preoccupying Terry concerned the thickness of toilet paper: did the manufacturers count a three-ply sheet as one sheet or three sheets?

“Dad, how many squares do you use? To wipe yerself, I mean?”

Chico thought this was a good question.

“I never counted 'em, to tell de troot. I haul just enough to spin de roll a bit an' den I tear off a length.”

“Awh.”

. . .

. . .

“Bot I'd say five, most o' de time.”

Étienne and Chico checked to see what five squares amounted to and saw it came to one square less than their strips.

“Mum takes more'n dat.”

“Is dat right?”

Terry knew it, but he wanted to hear what Étienne would say.

“She rolls de paper round 'er hand a whole bunch o' times, den after dat she makes like a ball wid it an' you got to wipe yerself wid dat. Dat's 'ow she showed me.”

8. How much money do you think the golf industry generates annually in the United States (in US dollars)?

a) 5 billion.

b) 10 billion.

c) More than 15 billion.

d) Why isn't the question about the golf industry in Canada?

e) I don't know, let's say C.

“Me, every time I go to a meeting, I start colouring in de holes in de letters on de pages dey hands out. Only just de circles, mind you, like de
o
an' de
b
an' de like.”

“That's most likely a fear of the void.”

“Is dat right! An' 'ere was I tinking 'twas only a way to pass de time!”

9. The average score of a round of golf hasn't changed for 20 years. What do you think, that average score is?

a) 87.

b) 97.

c) 107.

d) 117.

e) 127
.

Terry would have liked to explain to Étienne and Chico, since they were on the subject, that there are fundamental differences between men and women, and that the amount of toilet paper judged necessary to wipe oneself was one of them. But he did not want to be instilling fixed notions in the boys, so Terry limited himself to adding:

“If you go an' use too much, you might be blockin' de toilet.”

Ultimate inference: not including singular successes, the most popular authors cited in
La Bibliothèque idéale
are those whose name begins with the letter
b.
As for the works that gained the most favour, either the first word of the title begins with
c
— which includes tales (
contes
), correspondences, and notebooks (
carnets de bord
) — or the title announces a story or journal.

“Also depends on the tickness o' de paper, doesn't it. Sometimes de paper's ticker. Like when Carmen does de shoppin'. Dose times, you need even less.”

As one thing tends to lead to another, Étienne asked Chico:

“'Ave you ever drunk de water from de toilet?”

The idea revolted Chico.

“Naw! Yuk!”

But the question did not go unnoticed by Terry.

“'Ow 'bout you, Étienne, you ever drink it?”

“No . . .”

Terry detected a slight hesitation.

“Only, Antoine says you can.”

Obviously, Étienne was not about to admit that he had already gotten Marianne to drink some, and that she was none the worse for wear.

“Is dat right, den? So ee's drunk some, 'as ee?”

That was a question Étienne had never asked himself; he'd assumed that Antoine was speaking from personal experience.

“Yes.”

The roles of the acute accent and the grave accent have also been modified. In general, the grave accent now replaces the acute. The words
céleri, sécheresse
, and
crémerie,
for example, become
cèleri, sècheresse
, and
crèmerie
. The same is true for some conjugations of verbs in the future and conditional tenses:
je céderai
becomes
je cèderai
,
j'abrégerais
becomes
j'abrègerais
.

“And der's a stream, an' dat's kinda nice.”

At that moment Pomme suddenly appeared without either of them having seen him approach.

9. The average score of a round of golf hasn't changed for 20 years. What do you think, that average score is?

a) 97.

b) 107.

c) 117.

d) I'm perfectly happy with my score.

e) I find this question indiscrete.

“Where does de toilet water go anyways? Wid de shite an' all.”

Terry interpreted Chico's question as a positive sign that the boy was gradually overcoming his shyness.

“Same place as de water from the sink. All de dirty water goes down to de same place. Dey call it waste water. De water from de toilet, de dish water, water from washin' vegetables, de laundry water, yer bat' water, all of it goes down in de same place.”

“Granny puts de water from de vegetables in her flowers.”

“Yeah, dat's wot de smarter folks do.”

Chico felt another surge of pride, which even Étienne noticed.

“Waste water runs down in de pipes in de ground. You seen dem pipes when dey digs up de street. Well, dose pipes take de dirty water to a cleanin' factory. In a whole lot of countries, dat's how dey do it. Only all dat costs a terrible lot o' money. Dat's why dey don't want us wastin' water no more.”

Now that they were on the subject, Terry decided he might as well exhaust it.

“Come over 'ere an' I'll show youse someting.”

The two boys were reticent to abandon their paper-strip cutting.

“Come on den, it'll only take a minute.”

Étienne and Chico got up less than enthusiastically, and followed Terry.

Straight arrow.

Transcription (in Carmen's handwriting) on the back of a guarantee (expired) for a Sylvania vertical fan. The faded ink along the folds in the paper suggests a heavy cycle in the washing machine. The imprint (sole of an Adidas?) dates back to a recent rainy day, when, unbeknownst to Terry, the slip of paper fell as he pulled his wallet out of his back pocket to pay for gas.

Cream of Pumpkin Sauce (Ludmilla)

± 2 cups of peeled pumpkin cubes (2 cm)

1 medium-sized onion, thinly sliced

3 cups of chicken broth

1/2 cup of cold butter, in pieces

3/4 cup of cream (15 or 18 %)

1 cup of small cubes of ham

garlic croutons (2 large handfuls)

3 tbsps of olive oil

chives

salt and pepper

— sweat the onion in a thick-bottom-pan (low heat, until the onion becomes transparent) in 2 tbsps of olive oil.

— add pumpkin and sweat pumpkin (5 min.).

— add the chicken broth and salt lightly (to taste).

— allow to simmer 30 min., until the pumpkin is easy to prick.

— remove from stove and blend, adding chunks of butter.

— add cream and blend some more.

— salt and pepper (to taste).

— pour the hot sauce over ham cubes in the tureen and drop croutons on top.

— garnish with a pinch of chives and a dash of olive oil.

In certain regions of Acadia, a hog is a trailer hitch mount that has the advantage of reducing the weight for the pulling vehicle. The mechanism with integrated torsion is composed of a large metal bar, chains, a shaft, and various other elements, and looks surprisingly similar to a pig.

“Yes?”

“Hullo. I's volunteerin' wid de Red Cross. We's collectin' money an' household tings like furniture or dishes to help de folks in de apartment building wot burned down last week.”

Élizabeth had heard about the fire.

“We leaves a sheet wid ya dat explains de details of wot you can do if you got someting to donate.”

Élizabeth took the sheet, scanned it rapidly.

“Der's a phone number right der, in case you's got questions.”

“Can I donate money?”

The volunteer seemed surprised by the question.

Élizabeth felt as though she had to justify herself.

“I don't really have all that many things I don't need.”

The volunteer craned his neck to catch a glimpse of the apartment.

“Awh, you only just moved in, is dat it den?”

“No . . .”

“Awh no?”

10. How much time to give yourself to find a lost ball?

a) No more than 5 minutes.

b) 5 to 10 minutes.

C) 10 to 15 minutes.

d) I never look for a lost ball.

e) I never lose my balls.

Terry placed a chair in front of the kitchen sink.

“Alright den, get up on dat chair, boat of youse.”

Chico climbed up on the chair, but Étienne remained where he was, because he'd been told many times not to play standing on the kitchen chairs.

“You as well, Étienne, go on.”

Still of two minds about the situation, Étienne finally acquiesced.

“Alright den. Now, I'm gonna give you each a glass.”

Terry handed each of them a glass.

“Now pour yerselves some water, as doh you'd just come in from outside an' you was terrible tirsty. Do just wot you always do when yer tirsty.”

Étienne and Chico ran water from the tap to fill their glasses.

“Alright den. Now drink de water like you always do.”

The boys thought the exercise was weird, but they did as they were told and drank.

“All done are we?”

Yes, they were done. Terry took back both glasses.

“Looks like Étienne only drank tree moutfulls, an' Chico maybe four. So now, normally, you'd be pourin' de rest of dis 'ere water into de sink, right?”

The two boys agreed.

“Well, dat water, clean doh it is an' good to drink, it'll take tree years afore it comes back in the tap.”

Étienne and Chico weren't sure they'd understood.

“Takes tree years fer de water dat goes down dat hole to come back into our kitchen clean. Tree whole years.”

?!

“On account of even doh it's not all dat dirty, de water's still gotta go all de way to the purification plant to get cleaned again, just in case one o' youse might be walkin' around wid a cold or some such ting. After dat, I figures it has to go troo some sort o' giant strainers to get rid of all de tons o' scraps dat's floatin' around. An den de water's gotta sit der in a big basin, perfectly still, so dat any wee bits o' stuff de strainers missed'll sink down to de bottom, an' den dey check fer any bad chemicals in de water, an' dey add der own good chemicals, an' den dey test again to be sure dey didn't put too much in . . . an' only after all dat, dey can pour dat water back into clean pipes under de ground.”

Terry could see in the boys' eyes that the purification process was still ongoing in their minds.

“Alright den, you can trow dat water left in yer glasses now.”