For Mac (11 page)

A
S
A
MY
had suspected—and Andy agreed that he had thought the same thing—Branson had broken two bones in his right hand. A boxer’s fracture, they called it, fourth and fifth metacarpal bones. How he had managed not to break the left one too was a pure miracle, as far as Amy was concerned. It certainly looked awful.

The doctor realigned the metacarpals, taped the fourth and fifth fingers together, and splinted the hand.

“Let’s lay off sparring with walls for a while, okay?” was his departing shot.

B
RANSON
HADN
’
T
said much since it happened, according to Andy, and he refused to talk to Amy—or Andy—about anything. They dropped him off at his house and told him they’d pick him up the next morning.

Neither Amy nor Andy thought that he should drive himself, considering the state they expected him to be in. There was no reason that he couldn’t drive with broken fingers, but Amy knew Branson wouldn’t be concentrating on anything but beating himself up—hopefully only emotionally this time—and certainly wouldn’t be paying attention to traffic.

Besides, his car was still at Silver Linings. Andy had suggested to Amy that he could pick it up and drop it off at Branson’s house, but Amy didn’t want to give Bran a way to drive himself. If he had to call a cab to get to work instead of waiting for her to pick him up, he might think twice and actually wait for her.

Amy told him again that she’d be picking him up, trying to get a confirmation that he’d wait for her, but he went inside without a word.

On the way home, she and Andy discussed the whole incident. Andy would be sleeping on the couch for quite some time. She couldn’t believe he actually thought it would be a good idea to pick on Bran about that. Of course, Amy thought, he probably wasn’t thinking at all. That’s the problem.

W
HEN
SHE
got to Branson’s house that morning, he was ready and sitting on the front stoop, looking for all the world like a lost little boy whose dog had just died.

She came up and sat beside him. They wouldn’t be late if they talked a bit first before heading out.

“Andy told me what happened, Branny.”

“I don’t want to talk about it, Aims.” Branson cradled his right hand and made no move to get up.

“Yeah, well, tough.”

“Amy, please leave it alone.” Branson gave her the hardest look he could muster.

“How long have you known me?” she asked. “Of course I’m not going to leave it alone.”

He tried his best pleading look instead. “Can we just not, please?”

“Branny, this has gone on long enough. You’ve been tearing yourself up emotionally since we were kids, but now you’re literally breaking yourself over this.”

“I’m not gay, Aims. I can’t be.” Branson was miserable.

“Why not, Bran?” She looked him directly in the eye. “Why not?”

“You know why!” he all but shouted.

“Because your brother says so?” Amy was incredulous. “Mac is not God. He doesn’t have all the answers. And the ones he thinks he has aren’t always right.” Branson turned his face away and stared ahead, so Amy continued. “And I know you don’t want to face it, Bran, but right now, Mac doesn’t have much to say about anything.”

That got a reaction. “That’s crossing the line, Amy!” Branson seemed to be trying not to take his anger out on Amy, but apparently he couldn’t let her talk about Mac like that.

“Maybe, but I’m right.”

Branson didn’t answer, or for that matter give any indication that he was going to say anything else, ever, let alone actually get up and go to the car. After a while, Amy couldn’t let it go on any longer.

“At the very least, you owe Liam an apology. He never said anything out of line. He didn’t know Andy was going to make fun of you like that.”

Branson looked over at her again. “Yeah, but Andy has a point. Liam is gay. It’s apparently well known around the facility. So the two of us getting dinner together, even watching movies, is going to be seen as dating. And that’s going to make people think I’m gay. And I’m not! So the best thing to do about this whole thing is to not have anything more to do with Liam.”

Amy was taken aback. “That’s not fair, Bran. Liam didn’t do anything—”

“Well, it doesn’t matter now.” Branson apparently decided the conversation was finished, because he got up, went to the car, and said nothing at all for the entire ride.

Branson

B
RANSON
HAD
been thinking all night about what he could do to solve this mess. He couldn’t face Liam again, for a multitude of reasons. Because he’d acted horribly toward him the previous day. Because he was attracted to him and didn’t want to be. Because he didn’t want to be seen as gay, and he couldn’t figure out how to have a friendship with Liam without people making the same assumption that Andy had made, and he couldn’t have that.

So he decided he would avoid Liam altogether. The thought was actually killing Bran, because he had come to depend on Liam, but he didn’t have any other ideas. He couldn’t afford to have people think he was gay.
What if it got back to Mac
? he thought.

B
RANSON
SHOWED
up at Silver Linings after finishing work for the morning and passed Liam in the hallway.

“How’s the hand?” Liam asked, “I heard—”

Branson passed by without answering.

When Liam came in to check on Mac, Branson got up and left without even excusing himself. Liam was left standing with his mouth open, but he apparently shook himself out of it and tended to Mac because Branson knew he hadn’t followed him out.

Branson waited at the end of the hall until he saw Liam leave. He had thought about going to visit with Mr. J. to legitimately have somewhere to be, but decided against it. He didn’t want his mood to rub off on the old man. Mr. J. needed to stay positive, and Branson thought he’d bring him down for no reason. So he haunted the hallway until Liam came out, then went back in to sit with his brother.

L
IAM
WAS
off both Saturday and Sunday, but Branson planned to go back to ignoring him on Monday. He made sure he stayed at work until well after Liam had gone home. Come Tuesday, Branson went to see Mac after completing his morning at work. When he saw Liam in Mac’s room, he turned around and went back to his car. He decided then that he’d start working every day until after 3:00 p.m.

After that it became habit. The longer the stalemate went on, the more uncomfortable he was at the idea of trying to mend it. He realized he had overreacted. He was starting to feel awful about the way he was treating Liam. He had been angry at Liam at first, even though he knew, intellectually, that Liam hadn’t done anything wrong. Then he tried to be angry at Andy, but really, Andy was just being Andy. He was like that. He spoke first and thought later. He’d always been that way, and just because Branson was fighting
his
nature, didn’t mean that he could expect Andy to fight his, even if he wanted to.

He finally got around to placing the blame where it belonged: on himself. He had overreacted badly because of what Mac might think. For that matter, if Mac didn’t have such a problem with homosexuality…. But when Branson realized he was now blaming his brother for all this, the brother lying helpless in a hospital bed, he got even angrier at himself.

Once he calmed down, he realized that Mac wasn’t likely to think much of anything about it anymore. He had hated Amy momentarily for saying that, but he had to agree that she had been right.

She—and Andy—were right about something else too. He was gay. If the definition of being gay was being much more attracted to, and sexually interested in, men than he had ever been with women, then he did have to admit that he was gay. He still didn’t want to act on it, though, and he wouldn’t admit it to Mac, if he ever got a chance to have a two-sided conversation with him about it or anything else. But most of all, he couldn’t figure out how to have the friendship with Liam and not be thought of as gay, because even if he admitted to himself that he was, he didn’t want anyone else to think it. And somehow he thought that if he avoided Liam, he wouldn’t be thought of as gay. As if Liam had had anything at all to do with any of this. All Liam had ever asked for was friendship, which made Branson feel like an even bigger heel.

For the rest of the week, he continued to avoid Liam, more because he didn’t know how to stop doing so and he wanted to save the slightest bit of dignity. Even though he missed Liam terribly, even though he wanted nothing more than to travel in a time machine to that morning after their dinner and avoid Andy altogether, even though he wanted to go back to the way they were and watch movies and eat lunches together, he continued to avoid Liam. He was well and truly screwed, and he didn’t know how to fix it.

Liam

L
IAM
NOTED
Branson’s new hostility immediately, but it took him a while to realize how far Bran was willing to go to avoid him. Liam couldn’t let this go on anymore. After a week, he decided it wasn’t going to fix itself, and he set out to do something about it.

“Andy,” Liam said as he entered Mac’s room that Friday. “Haven’t seen Branson around all week. He’s still avoiding me, isn’t he?”

“That’s my fault, Liam,” Andy had to admit. “I really shouldn’t have teased him about you all going out.”

“No. You shouldn’t have. I never thought of it as a date, Andy.” Liam was beyond sad, and from Andy’s reaction, his face must have shown it. “I truly didn’t. I just enjoyed having him as a friend. We had so much in common. He was fun to talk to. And it felt like such an accomplishment to get him out of this room for a while to take care of himself… not visiting Mr. J., not talking to the doctor or nurses about Mac, just enjoying himself. It was good for him. And I loved being the one he spent time with during those rare moments.”

“It doesn’t have to be past tense, man.” Andy looked like he was trying to convince himself of that as much as Liam. “I’ll talk to him. See what I can do.”

Liam didn’t hold out much hope that Andy could solve this. He knew both Andy and Amy had talked to Branson several times already, and Bran apparently wasn’t going to be talked out of this.

L
IAM
ALLOWED
Branson to avoid him for yet another week, then he sat behind the nurse’s station, mostly out of sight, and staked out Mac’s room long after he was off duty. When he saw Branson enter Mac’s room, he waited for a short while, allowing Bran time to settle in. Then he went in.

Branson didn’t pay any attention, probably thinking that the person who’d entered was the second-shift nurse. When Branson heard a chair being pulled up beside him, he looked up with a start, and when he saw who it was, he started to pull away.

Liam was having none of it this time, though. “Just hear me out, bud. Then I’ll leave you alone.”

Branson still didn’t seem to want to face any of this, but apparently he couldn’t begrudge Liam this one talk. “Yeah, okay. Shoot.”

“I never told anyone that you and I were dating. I never thought of it that way. I know you’re straight, Branson. I just enjoyed our friendship. I might be gay, but I’m perfectly capable of having mates who aren’t. I’ll confess, since I’ve lost your friendship anyway, that I am attracted to you. Physically, yes, but emotionally too. We have so much in common, and you are so easy to be with….” He hurried past this point when he saw Branson start to pull away again. “But the point is, I knew I could never have more than friendship, and I was cool with that, man. I really was. I just wanted to spend time with you… as a mate. I never thought of you as gay. I would never insinuate to anyone that you were. I wanted to get you out of here. I wanted to give you a mate who didn’t know Mac before, who had no preconceived notions one way or t’other.”

Liam watched Branson closely for any indication that maybe he would want to try to put this behind them and still be friends. But there was none. When Branson dropped his head, Liam continued. “But I see I’m doing more harm than good, lad, and while I’m not a doctor and didn’t take the Hippocratic Oath, I make it my personal philosophy to ‘first do no harm.’ So….” He wasn’t sure he wanted to say this part because then it became real, but he knew he didn’t have a choice. “I’m going to put in for a transfer of patients. Barbara would switch one of her patients for Mac, if I asked. I’m sure she would. You’ll like Barbara. She’s sweet and compassionate, but probably best of all, for all concerned, she’ll be completely professional. No movies or talks about sci-fi books, no lunches away or dinners out. Nothing that can be construed as dating. Nothing more than excellent care for Mac. That should have been what I was doing all along, but something about you… anyway, it doesn’t matter now. I’ll make sure everyone knows that you didn’t request this. Some of them get a little protective of me when it looks like people are attacking me sexuality. They might get the idea that you’re offended by that…. In fact, bud, you have a reputation as a bit of a homophobe. So I’ll make sure they know it was me that asked. No harm, no foul, lad.”

Liam remembered that Andy had said Branson wasn’t a homophobe, but then he had also said that Bran was gay. Liam didn’t think he believed the last part but was pretty sure he believed the first. He didn’t think Branson was homophobic, but if he wasn’t, this reaction didn’t really make sense. Liam didn’t know whether to hope that Andy was right or not. If he was, if Branson was gay, it was obvious that he didn’t think that was a good thing. At the very least, Branson was homophobic as it applied to himself, and Liam didn’t know what to do about that. There wasn’t anything he could do, he finally had to admit.